next?

[trippi1432]

Hi Jane, haven't posted in a while, but I've been keeping up with your thread. I'm so happy to read that you are getting stronger...you will be able to "face up" to him this weekend. He should be the one who can't look you in the eye because he know's he is wrong.

 

Keep working on you hun, keep your focus on the things that are important....and he is not in that equation anymore.

 

Three weeks, ex banished to absolute NC land....it has been a wonderful peace and I am getting my focus back. Yes, it's hard when you have children to do that, but you do what you have to do to heal and move on.

 

And, Gunny is very right on the fact that men can take some things as "hope". When dealing with a man that wants his cake and eat it to, you have to stand up to him, look him in the eye and let him know with certainty that his life with you is over. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Be prepared and do what you need to do to protect both you and your daughter's emotional well-being.

 

Hugs to you, hang in there....you are a strong woman!!

[nobmagnet]

well done jane!

 

welcome to the world of possiblilities!! Its exciting.

 

A word to the caution if i may? Lowly has been dumped and has been pastering me and looking for support for some bazar reason. Obviously he isnt going to get any from me, however even tho I laughed in side at the time (and still do) it does play on your mind. Make sure he (when it happens and it will) doesnt just expect you to be there??

 

 

well done

 

Nobby xxxxx

[FeelingLonely98]

Jane - I got some goosebumps rewading your posts. I am extremely happy for you. You sound like you are now where I was 3 & 1/2 to 4 months ago. Do not turn back no matter WHAT you do. Do NOT let him back into your life. You WILL get your footing back and be on better more solid ground than ever.

 

Good advice from Gunny that you DO need to look him in the eye. Let him know that you are 100% , ... no 1000% percent certain of what you are doing.

 

My STBXW (only 13 days and I can XW!!!) does not come around or contact me or anything. I guess I am the lucky one, eh? PRobably when her 18 yo BF dumps her she will try to squirm back.

 

Anyway, GOOD JOB Jane. We are happy for you!!!!!!!!!

[floridapad]

Jane

 

YOU ROCK!!! I know its been tough and still is, but as FL98 inferred, to go back and read your old posts compared to the recent ones is night and day.

 

Stay Strong and you will continue to heal. The good days will continue to become more and more frequent. All of this growth came from YOU. Nice!

[FeelingLonely98]

How have your meetings with him been the last few days?

[JaneDoe35]

Hi Jane, haven't posted in a while, but I've been keeping up with your thread. I'm so happy to read that you are getting stronger...you will be able to "face up" to him this weekend. He should be the one who can't look you in the eye because he know's he is wrong.

 

Keep working on you hun, keep your focus on the things that are important....and he is not in that equation anymore.

 

Three weeks, ex banished to absolute NC land....it has been a wonderful peace and I am getting my focus back. Yes, it's hard when you have children to do that, but you do what you have to do to heal and move on.

 

And, Gunny is very right on the fact that men can take some things as "hope". When dealing with a man that wants his cake and eat it to, you have to stand up to him, look him in the eye and let him know with certainty that his life with you is over. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Be prepared and do what you need to do to protect both you and your daughter's emotional well-being.

 

Hugs to you, hang in there....you are a strong woman!!

 

Hi Trippi - I am so glad you are finally experiencing some PEACE. It is a wonderful feeling.

 

He is due to arrive in 30 minutes and I am going to try and be even stronger and look at him. It will be hard as it still hurts, but I will give it my best shot.

 

He does need to know that there is no going back from this now. He made his choice and I don't want to be a part of his new life.

 

Thankyou so much for posting, all this support makes me feel that I can cope with anything that comes my way!

 

JDx

[JaneDoe35]

well done jane!

 

welcome to the world of possiblilities!! Its exciting.

 

A word to the caution if i may? Lowly has been dumped and has been pastering me and looking for support for some bazar reason. Obviously he isnt going to get any from me, however even tho I laughed in side at the time (and still do) it does play on your mind. Make sure he (when it happens and it will) doesnt just expect you to be there??

 

 

well done

 

Nobby xxxxx

 

Thanks Nobby - I am excited by the possibilities and I can even accept that I may not meet another man that I want to be with.

 

You are right about me needing to be prepared for if my husband falls is a heap. If he asks me for help I will refer him to the nearest psychologist. Not my problem.

 

Keep strong Nob.

 

JDx

[JaneDoe35]

Jane

 

YOU ROCK!!! I know its been tough and still is, but as FL98 inferred, to go back and read your old posts compared to the recent ones is night and day.

 

Stay Strong and you will continue to heal. The good days will continue to become more and more frequent. All of this growth came from YOU. Nice!

 

 

Hey FP, thanks for the vote of confidence. You are right, it is still tough but I am improving every day.

 

I also went back and read my thread, I found it enjoyable. It didn't make me upset. Just pleased to see how far I have come.

 

Take care & good luck - it sound like your wife is going through some major internal crisis. Will be interesting to see how she comes out the other side......

 

JDx

[JaneDoe35]

Jane - I got some goosebumps rewading your posts. I am extremely happy for you. You sound like you are now where I was 3 & 1/2 to 4 months ago. Do not turn back no matter WHAT you do. Do NOT let him back into your life. You WILL get your footing back and be on better more solid ground than ever.

 

Good advice from Gunny that you DO need to look him in the eye. Let him know that you are 100% , ... no 1000% percent certain of what you are doing.

 

My STBXW (only 13 days and I can XW!!!) does not come around or contact me or anything. I guess I am the lucky one, eh? PRobably when her 18 yo BF dumps her she will try to squirm back.

 

Anyway, GOOD JOB Jane. We are happy for you!!!!!!!!!

 

Hi FL98 - I am so determined to heal. The incredible support I receive here is helping me so much.

 

In some ways you are lucky that your wife doesn't come around. But that doesn't mean this journey has been easy for you!!!

 

I knew you would recover. You were so focused. I hope she doesn't bother you when it ends with the 18 year old, but you never can tell what these walk aways will do next!!!

 

JDx

[JaneDoe35]

Update - husband's visit.

 

He arrived late due to storms in the mountains blocking the roads. One hour late I think.

 

He still looks run down, mentioned not sleeping and was on the toilet a bit. More grey hair. I don't have a problem with grey hair but he does.

 

I spent most of the time he was here in my bedroom. I came in and out so that our daughter would not feel strange.

 

He pursued me a number of times to try & talk. He would ask 'Do you want to talk?' I would just reply 'No'. To be honest he appeared desperate to speak with me.

 

I was laying on my bed watching YouTube fail.org clips and he and then my daughter came in and started watching with me. He kept trying to get right next to me, touching me, and I kept moving away. Very difficult when our daughter was there.

 

Also when I was busy in another room, he came in and tried to talk again and even said 'Could I have a hug?' I said 'No'. He said 'Really no?'. I said 'Really no'. He looked very sad and like he was going to cry. He then said 'It is so hard to be with you and not hug you'. I said 'It shouldn't be, it has been a long time now'.

 

I was finally able to look him in the eyes. It was difficult and as I suspected it would, it did weaken me a little. But he didn't know that of course.

 

He was giving me compliments about anything and everything. I didn't respond. He doesn't give up easily but I stood my ground and he left our home miserable.

 

I do not feel sorry for him. He chose this new life over myself & our daughter. He told me he was never coming back. He told me that he did not want me.

 

Ok - Enjoy.....

[trippi1432]

Update - husband's visit.

 

He arrived late due to storms in the mountains blocking the roads. One hour late I think.

 

He still looks run down, mentioned not sleeping and was on the toilet a bit. More grey hair. I don't have a problem with grey hair but he does.

 

I spent most of the time he was here in my bedroom. I came in and out so that our daughter would not feel strange.

 

He pursued me a number of times to try & talk. He would ask 'Do you want to talk?' I would just reply 'No'. To be honest he appeared desperate to speak with me.

 

I was laying on my bed watching YouTube fail.org clips and he and then my daughter came in and started watching with me. He kept trying to get right next to me, touching me, and I kept moving away. Very difficult when our daughter was there.

 

Also when I was busy in another room, he came in and tried to talk again and even said 'Could I have a hug?' I said 'No'. He said 'Really no?'. I said 'Really no'. He looked very sad and like he was going to cry. He then said 'It is so hard to be with you and not hug you'. I said 'It shouldn't be, it has been a long time now'.

 

I was finally able to look him in the eyes. It was difficult and as I suspected it would, it did weaken me a little. But he didn't know that of course.

 

He was giving me compliments about anything and everything. I didn't respond. He doesn't give up easily but I stood my ground and he left our home miserable.

 

I do not feel sorry for him. He chose this new life over myself & our daughter. He told me he was never coming back. He told me that he did not want me.

 

Ok - Enjoy.....

 

Keep your head up hun....you deserve much better and he does not measure up. You know where to find me if you ever need to talk. He is realizing that the grass is not greener, now he has to live with the consequences. You will be stronger because of this, but you will also show him what he left behind and what he has to face....that is what he is realizing. Don't give him the easy out, he will only do it again. In the meantime, find who you are without him... the person you left behind for him, the person you want your daughter to look up to. I can tell you from experience...my daughter has only seen me weakened by my 2nd husband....that IS my fault and mine to recover from...but I am proud of my her and any accomplishments she makes despite the hardships.

 

Honestly Jane...I walked down my stairs today and TRIED to think of him and I couldn't. I can honestly say that life is better because I KNOW ME...without him, I am so much better.

[FeelingLonely98]

Honestly Jane...I walked down my stairs today and TRIED to think of him and I couldn't. I can honestly say that life is better because I KNOW ME...without him, I am so much better.

 

Jane - you are doing great. Stay strong!! Even if some things DO weaken you a little (like looking him in the eye) keep doing it. It WILL get easier. Trust me - I've been there, you know that. At first it was hard to do - and I had to sort of force myself to do them - eventually it got easier and easier...

 

Like trippi, I can not really even think about her anymore. I don't have thoughts about wondering how she is, what she's thinking about, ... only thinking about it now because I am writing this. AND, like trippi, I feel that my life is better and will stay better - without her.

 

I agree with trippi ... THIS will make him a better person as well. He just needs to go through his own journey.

 

All the best!

[tojaz]

I do not feel sorry for him. He chose this new life over myself & our daughter. He told me he was never coming back. He told me that he did not want me.

 

That hurt I bet, but your exactly right and good for you for staying strong! Keep that quote in your head the next time he decides he wants to get close, and don't be afraid to lay it on him!

 

"I do not feel sorry for YOU. YOU chose this new life over me and our daughter. YOU told me you were never coming back. You told me that you do not want me."

 

These are the consequences of his actions.

TOJAZ

 

P.S. Sorry I couldn't reply to your PMs Jane, I have been away for awhile. My contact info is in your PM box.

[FeelingLonely98]

I am feeling SO much better the last few weeks. I have been taking medication though - so it could be false!!

I don't care about taking medication - if I had of kept on feeling like I was I think I would have gone crazy.

I am laughing again, I am productive at work, I am happier with my daughter, I can see a great future ahead.

Strange to feel this way after months of agony.......

 

How are you doing Jane? Hope you and your daughter had a great Valentine's Day weekend.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey everyone, a quick update.

 

H visited on Saturday. Still tried to get a hug from me about 5 times.

 

I politely declined each time.

 

Any time that I was in the room, I could feel him staring at me.

 

A few things he said....

 

'I love you'

 

'I miss you'

 

'I want to talk to you all the time but you wont speak to me'

 

'I am loving you from a distance - you are killing me'

 

'I am getting help and as I am calmer I am looking back on what I have

 

done and I can't believe it myself'

 

'You did not deserve to be treated like this'

 

'I am an idiot'

 

'This is turning out to be the biggest mistake of my life'

 

'I wish I could fix all the mistakes I have made'

 

'There are some things you did that made me unhappy but I was the one

 

with the problem, not you'

 

'I am so attracted to you, it does not excite me to go out and meet other

 

girls, you are so much more beautiful - inside & out - than any of them'

 

There was more but I just can't remember it all right now....

 

My responses to these sorts of statements from him....

 

'I would like a divorce as soon as possible'

 

'In the beginning I wanted you back as I was in a state of shock, now I

 

know I deserve better than being cheated on & lied to'

 

'I am getting on with life and I am happily single'

 

'I want you to be happy too and I just want this all over and done with as

 

soon as possible'

 

'I am looking forward to my future now and I am enjoying not having to

 

take care of you, look after you etc'

 

'I will not be able to be your friend, it will delay my healing. I will parent

 

our daughter with you but that will be all'

 

'You need to get over me completely and move on. I don't need or want

 

you in my life as any more than a co-parent'

 

HE SEEMED SHOCKED!!!!!!!

 

I shocked myself too, to be honest. He left that afternoon very sad. He

 

had cried a few times while we were talking. He texted me on his way

 

home about something random and not related to daughter. Then he did

 

not contact me again till Sunday night at about 22:30. A text that read

 

'Have been thinking about you all day, I hope you are doing well. You are

 

looking hot, xoxo'

 

Of course I did not respond to that. What would I say?

 

Anyway I do love him but I think I have lost all respect for him.

 

If I think about a possible future with him - I just don't see it working.

 

This saddens me as we were so great in many ways. But I don't think

 

I have any energy left to try and save this marriage. I tried so hard

 

for months. I really did give it my all. I have given up.

 

Now & then I think I should keep trying for our daughter but then I

 

remind myself if he did this once he could do it again. And I don't

 

want to put myself or my daughter through that again.

 

Even if he asked for a second chance (begged) I believe I would say 'No'.

 

Thanks for reading.......I really do appreciate it!!!

[greengoddess]

Wow you are doing great! Really holding strong.

Is he still living with the other woman?

If he is then his words to you mean nothing.

Actions not words.

If he wanted to fix this he would immediately move out and work on himself. He can't fix the family while living with her.

I would forward his texts to the little tart too.

[greengoddess]

How's your daughter doing?

[FeelingLonely98]

did not contact me again till Sunday night at about 22:30. A text that read 'Have been thinking about you all day, I hope you are doing well. You are looking hot, xoxo' ...... Even if he asked for a second chance (begged) I believe I would say 'No'. Thanks for reading.......I really do appreciate it!!!

 

Thank you for sharing. You are doing great Jane. As difficult as it is to go thru what you are going thru... you are doing it with dignity, strength, and conviction.

 

I think the "looking hot" comment is more along the lines of looking for a bed mate rather than fixing the M. That text there makes feel that all his pleading is cr*p.

 

If you do not say "no" if he asks for a second chance - yo uare risking being hurt again. I know in my case at some point I would have no part in taking back my STBXW - if she ever wanted that - because I want no part in having a lying, cheating, adulterous wife. I can do better and deserve better. And so do YOU...

 

Stay strong. Keep your chin up. Continue being the great Mom you are. And take care of Jane.

[floridapad]

Wow you are doing great! Really holding strong.

Is he still living with the other woman?

If he is then his words to you mean nothing.

Actions not words.

If he wanted to fix this he would immediately move out and work on himself. He can't fix the family while living with her.

I would forward his texts to the little tart too.

 

Couldn't agree more with this. I know in the back of your head you may be wondering what things would be like if you got back together or wondered if you could do it or trust him again. All of his words sound like he is turning the corner but honestly, his actions are saying nothing, especially if he is still living with that girl. I have established a benchmark for myself that would allow me to take my ex back. This benchmark, is based upon me gaining respect back for her based upon her actions and self realizations. Not just based upon her missing me or being guilty etc etc. but true deep change based on massive action and self reflection. Until that happens or until I file for divorce all the words in the world mean nothing and can only serve to confuse. My two cents ? keep doing what your doing. If you have a remote amount of interest in a future with him then establish a very high hurdle for him to jump over and just keep moving on. If he can jump over it and you can let go then great, but honestly it doesn't sound like he's there based on is INaction.

[2.50 a gallon]

Jane

 

Take him at his word, you are looking hot for him and others, get the D and have fun

 

Gallon

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You should consider at some point stopping in your tracks and giving him clear and explicit directions what he can do to try and make amends...

 

He obviously regrets his decision. We all can see he has been a true idiot. But there is no need to throw the marriage away forever if there is a strong chance of a successful reconciliation. That said I am not sure that there is currently a strong chance of a successful reconciliation. He needs to be on his own for a bit (not with the young tramp); as was said above actions speak louder than words.

 

I just wanted to say that I will disagree with most of the opinions here. No matter what mistakes he has made, there is a chance he has seen the errors of his ways and can change...

[hopesndreams]

Hey everyone, a quick update.

 

H visited on Saturday. Still tried to get a hug from me about 5 times.

 

I politely declined each time.

 

Any time that I was in the room, I could feel him staring at me.

 

A few things he said....

 

'I love you'

 

'I miss you'

 

'I want to talk to you all the time but you wont speak to me'

 

'I am loving you from a distance - you are killing me'

 

'I am getting help and as I am calmer I am looking back on what I have

 

done and I can't believe it myself'

 

'You did not deserve to be treated like this'

 

'I am an idiot'

 

'This is turning out to be the biggest mistake of my life'

 

'I wish I could fix all the mistakes I have made'

 

'There are some things you did that made me unhappy but I was the one

 

with the problem, not you'

 

'I am so attracted to you, it does not excite me to go out and meet other

 

girls, you are so much more beautiful - inside & out - than any of them'

 

There was more but I just can't remember it all right now....

 

My responses to these sorts of statements from him....

 

'I would like a divorce as soon as possible'

 

'In the beginning I wanted you back as I was in a state of shock, now I

 

know I deserve better than being cheated on & lied to'

 

'I am getting on with life and I am happily single'

 

'I want you to be happy too and I just want this all over and done with as

 

soon as possible'

 

'I am looking forward to my future now and I am enjoying not having to

 

take care of you, look after you etc'

 

'I will not be able to be your friend, it will delay my healing. I will parent

 

our daughter with you but that will be all'

 

'You need to get over me completely and move on. I don't need or want

 

you in my life as any more than a co-parent'

 

HE SEEMED SHOCKED!!!!!!!

 

I shocked myself too, to be honest. He left that afternoon very sad. He

 

had cried a few times while we were talking. He texted me on his way

 

home about something random and not related to daughter. Then he did

 

not contact me again till Sunday night at about 22:30. A text that read

 

'Have been thinking about you all day, I hope you are doing well. You are

 

looking hot, xoxo'

 

Of course I did not respond to that. What would I say?

 

Anyway I do love him but I think I have lost all respect for him.

 

If I think about a possible future with him - I just don't see it working.

 

This saddens me as we were so great in many ways. But I don't think

 

I have any energy left to try and save this marriage. I tried so hard

 

for months. I really did give it my all. I have given up.

 

Now & then I think I should keep trying for our daughter but then I

 

remind myself if he did this once he could do it again. And I don't

 

want to put myself or my daughter through that again.

 

Even if he asked for a second chance (begged) I believe I would say 'No'.

 

Thanks for reading.......I really do appreciate it!!!

 

Still a big, fat liar eh? Dating other girls? What is he on about? He can't even admit to the MOW, and he is living with her, unbelievable!

 

All the other stuff said, keep expecting to hear the same of it. It was/is the same stuff I have heard and is still being sent through to my email. Reading what he has been saying to you has creeped me out big time.

 

I really admire you. You are so tough! You are going to have one helluva fantastic life when he is out of the picture for good.