Can'tGiveUp Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 OP, is this true? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2371682&postcount=73 I should have searched for this before I posted...
Impudent Oyster Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 OP, is this true? Just curious, do you think that was wrong?
Author SidLyon Posted September 14, 2009 Author Posted September 14, 2009 OP, is this true? Yes - the next poster put up a link. I know many people on this board won't agree with me, but it's my view that affairs thrive on secrecy and that they ought to be exposed. On d-day one of the first things my H said to me was that the A was always going to end once it became common knowledge or I found out. I therefore felt that exposure was the way to go as it seemed to be what he expected and was in accordance with what I believed anyway. I didn't tell her oldest son immediately because he was still legally a child and I felt I would be on shaky grounds (legally) in approaching a child. I also felt uncomfortable with it morally anyway, so in effect let the OW know that I wouldn't be contacting her son unless she did something (such as contacting my H to provoke it). This she did within 10 days of me telling her this, even though there had been NC for many months. Perhaps she felt she was calling my bluff. I know I said I didn't care much about her feelings (and I don't) but I know I showed her far more compassion than she ever showed me and my 2 sons. My own teenage sons know of the A too - I would have really liked to have shielded them from this knowledge but it wasn't possible. I'm not a saint - one of the things I really grieve for is my own sons who have to deal with this. It's a pity my H and the OW decided to create a triangle of our marriage. They are both responsible for causing a lot of pain to their own children.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Yes - the next poster put up a link. I know many people on this board won't agree with me, but it's my view that affairs thrive on secrecy and that they ought to be exposed. I agree. Any "relationship" that can't survive the light of day isn't real. And if someone is so afraid or so ashamed of their affair becoming public knowledge...then maybe they ought not be having one.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 It's a pity my H and the OW decided to create a triangle of our marriage. They are both responsible for causing a lot of pain to their own children. It's always amazing to me that 2 people can make a decision to cause pain and anguish to their families yet refuse to accept responsibility for the collaterol damage. Very, very, VERY selfish. If these people cared about anyone elses feelings, the affair wouldn't happen in the first place. It is especially disgusting when an OP blames the victim (the BW or BH) when and if family and friends find out. First they help to cheat and lie to someone and they expect that same someone to keep their nastiness hush hush? On what planet are they living? Young children shouldn't be told, but grown children, relatives, friends, co-workers? Fair game IMO. You don't like it, don't have an EMA.
VictoryisMine Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Everyone is different to how they react after such trauma. But the pain is the same whether you saw it coming or not. I've never been married, but i know the devastation... the crippling feeling... the anger Sid felt and is feeling. When you're dying inside like she was then on DDay and even now, it's impossible to care how the OW feels and understandable to want to emotionally hurt with no vengeance... the OW.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Very, very, VERY selfish. If these people cared about anyone elses feelings, the affair wouldn't happen in the first place. This statement is so true. I am a MW who had an affair and no I did not care how anyone would feel and you are right if I wasn't selfish or even felt one ounce of guilt I would not have had the affair. That is why I think the marriage to begin with has to have some serious underlying issues. A person just does not cheat.. that is unless they are a serial cheater, I think those cases are in a completely different ballpark.
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 That is why I think the marriage to begin with has to have some serious underlying issues. A person just does not cheat.. that is unless they are a serial cheater, I think those cases are in a completely different ballpark. People DO cheat and they don't have to be a serial cheater to cheat if there's nothing really wrong in the marriage. Chances are, many MM or MW who do cheat have something within themselves that is broken..To blame the marriage or the BS is probably easier for the CS to do what he/she is doing..To justify it.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 People DO cheat and they don't have to be a serial cheater to cheat if there's nothing really wrong in the marriage. Chances are, many MM or MW who do cheat have something within themselves that is broken..To blame the marriage or the BS is probably easier for the CS to do what he/she is doing..To justify it. whichwayisup I see your point, but in my case my marriage has problems and I'm sure I do too otherwise I would feel guilty, but I do not. For some selfish reason or another I feel that it was justified.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 whichwayisup I see your point, but in my case my marriage has problems and I'm sure I do too otherwise I would feel guilty, but I do not. For some selfish reason or another I feel that it was justified. WWIU is correct, the responsibility of the affair lies solely with the participants and no one else. Not with the state or the marriage, not with the BS, not anything but the person who cheated. You can't blame a bad marriage for the choice of a spouse to cheat. Many times a person will cheat when their marriage is perfectly fine, the problem lies within THEM. Blaming it on other people or a bad marriage is just an excuse. If a marriage is bad or has problems you fix them or get out, you do not cheat then feel justified because you felt your marriage wasn't good enough.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 many MM or MW who do cheat have something within themselves that is broken..To blame the marriage or the BS is probably easier for the CS to do what he/she is doing..To justify it. That's a fact.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 You can't blame a bad marriage for the choice of a spouse to cheat. Many times a person will cheat when their marriage is perfectly fine, the problem lies within THEM. Blaming it on other people or a bad marriage is just an excuse. Okay then it was me I understand that. Sometimes you just don't realize these things until others points of views are stated. I understand what you are both saying. Guess there is a lot to fix within myself. Sorry to h/j
Impudent Oyster Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Okay then it was me I understand that. Sometimes you just don't realize these things until others points of views are stated. I understand what you are both saying. Guess there is a lot to fix within myself. Sorry to h/j Ask yourself this, has your cheating helped the problems you perceive in your marriage? I thought not. If you love the OM, then divorce your husband and go be with him.
ladydesigner Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 Ask yourself this, has your cheating helped the problems you perceive in your marriage? I thought not. If you love the OM, then divorce your husband and go be with him. No the problems did not help the problems in my marriage. I do not love OM, I only loved the fantasy of him. The relationship would never work in reality but this is in hindsight. I know I did wrong. Divorce may be on the horizon, but not at the moment.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 No the problems did not help the problems in my marriage. I do not love OM, I only loved the fantasy of him. The relationship would never work in reality but this is in hindsight. I know I did wrong. Divorce may be on the horizon, but not at the moment. At least you understand that. That's pretty much ALWAYS the case for a WS in an EMA, it's just that many people want to remain in denial.
OWoman Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 At least you understand that. That's pretty much ALWAYS the case for a WS in an EMA, it's just that many people want to remain in denial. Some of us know different
Impudent Oyster Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Some of us know different That's right, you're one of the one in a million who married the MM, aren't you? Good luck.
tami-chan Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I am sorry if my post here would offend you. But you had that coming to you,OP. You won't let her go. You insisted on contacting her. You gave her power over you where she shouldn't have. Let her be. You do not need her to heal.
Author SidLyon Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I am sorry if my post here would offend you. But you had that coming to you,OP. I agree Tami it was probably inevitable after I contacted her - I don't know why I might have expected something less nasty from her. You won't let her go. You insisted on contacting her. Right again - I contacted her and am still hoping to get the paternity test. The good thing is that my H is now willing as he's having more and more doubts about whether the boy is his or not. You gave her power over you where she shouldn't have. Let her be. You do not need her to heal. No she has no power over me and she shouldn't as you say. I don't plan to contact her again. It's up to my H now to decide if he want to know about the boy.
tami-chan Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 No she has no power over me and she shouldn't as you say. I don't plan to contact her again. It's up to my H now to decide if he want to know about the boy. Yes, she does has power over ( just a bit ) you...she said one line and it bothered you so much so that you started a thread about it.....She matters to you, when she should not-not at this point anymore matter to you or you to her...she wanted no contact. Has she insisted on your husband being the father of her child? Is she asking for child support? Is she hounding your husband about it?
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Has she insisted on your husband being the father of her child? Is she asking for child support? Is she hounding your husband about it? It's the other way around, tami. The OW has said the child is her (now deceased) husband's. It is Sid who is insisting that the (5 year old?) child might be her husband's, it is Sid who is "hounding" the OW about it, and it is Sid who is saying this child should be supported by her husband and should interact with their other children. And it sounds like she almost has her husband convinced now that he could be the father and should petition for a paternity test.
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 ohhhh..... Exactly. Honestly, if I were the OW, I'd probably have been equally or perhaps 50 times more harsh and have said something like, "back up, bitch, you're starting to sound psycho and if you get within 1000 feet of my child, I'm going to slap a restraining order on you. Your problem is with your lying, cheating husband, so deal with him, and leave me and especially my child out of it. Just because you can't trust your husband, doesn't mean I have to put my child through a paternity test to prove what I already know. Don't believe me? Fine, drive yourself crazy, but leave my kid out of it." I believe Sid's view is that she can't put this affair behind her until she knows for sure, for sure, for sure that the child isn't her husband's. Personally, I don't think even that would truly do the trick. Nothing will serve to actually turn back time and erase the affair, which would be the only thing that will make Sid whole. I think Sid is focusing on this paternity issue because she needs to focus on something as an explanation for why she can't quite move on. The truth is her problem is with her husband - she can't fully trust and forgive, nothing will be the same again, but Sid is desperately trying to make it so. Her doubts about the paternity represent her doubts about her husband and her marriage, but resolving paternity will not actually resolve her doubts about her husband. I'm sure I could be totally off-base, but that's how it reads to me. /armchair analysis
2sure Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Its possible that Sid simply wants to confirm that this nightmare is not going to come back one day and bite her in the a**. Not knowing is like anxiously waiting, for years, for the rug to be pulled from beneath you again. By the same people. The same way. How is she to become comfortable with this?
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 None of us know what is going to bite us in the ass tomorrow, much less 10 years from now. We just have to deal with it. She can't control the OW, nor her husband, nor the truth of the paternity, whatever it might be. If she can't live with the uncertainty, she has the option of walking away from her husband. But she cannot control the OW and force the child into a paternity test. Her husband can do that, and it seems that she's almost convinced him to do so. So what's the point of continuing to harass the OW?
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