"I bet you're just dying...

[SidLyon]

...to read his e-mails to me"

 

These were the words written to me the other day by the OW. It was provoked by a rather unpleasant e-mail exchange. Although it was initiated by me with a very brief "Are you willing to talk", she did have a choice about replying. She took over a week to reply and by the time she did I had assumed I wasn't going to hear from her.

 

Anyway my question to OW on this forum, is what she might have meant by these words? I interpreted it as a spiteful taunt directed at me and my H interpreted it as a threat to him (to reveal all to me) if he persisted with a request for a paternity test for the child born during their A. Another friend thought it meant that she was still hopeful of breaking us apart.

 

Any thoughts OW?

 

S

 

PS I already know what was in the said e-mails.

[Sanafa]

...to read his e-mails to me"

 

These were the words written to me the other day by the OW. It was provoked by a rather unpleasant e-mail exchange. Although it was initiated by me with a very brief "Are you willing to talk", she did have a choice about replying. She took over a week to reply and by the time she did I had assumed I wasn't going to hear from her.

 

Anyway my question to OW on this forum, is what she might have meant by these words? I interpreted it as a spiteful taunt directed at me and my H interpreted it as a threat to him (to reveal all to me) if he persisted with a request for a paternity test for the child born during their A. Another friend thought it meant that she was still hopeful of breaking us apart.

 

Any thoughts OW?

 

S

 

PS I already know what was in the said e-mails.

 

Hi Sid...

 

Not everyone has been overly fond of my thoughts as of late, so please take my thoughts with a BIG Grain of salt.

 

I am trying to put myself in her position and to be honest - If the W emailed me almost 2 years later.... I would truly think there marriage was in trouble ( whether it was or wasn't).

 

Now, for most OW - The split hurts, and I am sure more than others....so there is a urge to lash out with truth and " I bet you didn't know this or that"..... and unfortunately, because you made contact first - you opened the door.

 

It is tough because the paternity of the child muddies the water even farther.

 

Personally, I have certainly written letter to W in anger (never sent) but I could never go there.... enough pain for all.

 

But, I am going to play devil's advocate here. How do you know you "know about the emails" ... did she tell you, or are you taking his word for it. I just think the statement ( husband seen it as a "threat") that if he was completely honest.... he would not perceive it as that.... let's face it... if you know all - how could she tell you anything that would be threatening? And I am being 100% honest.. I know for a fact my MM did not tell all and that was re-iterated when we briefly spoke last weekend. So, if I ever felt the need to lash out, I too would be able to say the same and have emails to back it up.

 

I think it comes down to, what it always does. Are you ok in your reconciliation and are you sure this is what you want? If so, then nothing she can say or do would alter that and it truly takes the power away from her. If on the other hand, you are still questioning the reconcillation on your terms... than you need to refocus on that and revisit the decision to stay.... otherwise- this could be a decade of continuing the triangle.

 

God, I have really struggled with all the destruction on all sides that A's cause.....

[twistedmind]

This is going to sound insane to you, cause you were the BS.....but, if you look at her situation, I am sure she was hurt by him not leaving you. Its being slapped into the face of having provided so much for someone, giving your all and your best, only for them to say, well nahh, I will stay with her. After you heard for so long, you are everything I want. You question his honesty, was everything a lie? You question yourself, you are just dazed, confused and feel the size of a single match.

Of course, pain shows in so many different ways. Some withdraw, others scream it out, others go for revenge.

The problem is not her, there is a problem you are dealing with, or not dealing with. Cause if you believe your husband, why do you want to talk to her. If there is NC for him, why do you want to have contact?

I understand your position also.

I guess what you really need to find out, is, are you able to move on from the affair he had and go to a better relationship. Or will this always stand between you?

Do you really believe he has shown you all the emails?

My MM has deleted emails each time he got angry. Each time he couldnt deal with the situation, click, gone. I, on the other hand, have every last one of the mails. Even if he told his wife, I am sure I would have plenty more to tell than he can even remember. Men are forgetful.

Its a sting inside of you, that might be causing you to contact her. And its a sting inside of her for reacting the way she did.

 

I guess that is why I could never be with anyone any longer if he cheated on me. I am not strong enough, not kind enough, to forgive and forget. The first fight about clothes or anything else stupid, I know I would start talking about the affair. Make a snide remark or so. Nothing I am proud of, of course not. But I have yet to figure out how to change this behavior.

 

My biggest question here.......why do you want to talk to her, about what?

Is there something you are not hearing from him? Is there some suspiscion?

Or is it cause of the paternity test and all?

She was hurt.....just as you were hurt. Being second best screws with the ego and hurts badly. So her reaction isnt so strange after all.

[SidLyon]

OK it seems like you are both saying she was probably lashing out. When I spoke to her she had no idea that I'd already seen e-mails so that did seem to take the wind out of her sails. From that, I doubt there's been any communication between her and my H about the extent to which he has revealed e-mails to me.

 

I suppose there might be other e-mails, but if so, the OW seems unaware of what I've seen and what I haven't.

 

My H is not at all worried that she might send them to me - it's more that he interpreted it as a threat directed at him via me ie "if you don't get Sid off my back then I'm going to send her all the e-mails". So my question to you wasn't really about whether I had or hadn't already seen all the e-mails but her own motivation in saying what she said - given that she was unaware I'd seen any at all.

 

Of course there might be other e-mails but given I hacked into my H's secret hotmail account (and that's how I found out about the A) it seems unlikely as the e-mails date back to 2002. What was in them was very explicit and very graphic. Reading them was just devastating for me - it's hard to imagine there could be anything even more upsetting than what was in them anyway. She was obviously dismayed when I told her on the phone that I'd seen them.

 

Really I was just wondering what her motivation might be in saying that in the first place - I guess her lashing out or wanting revenge on either me or him seems the most likely explanation.

 

I was hoping to get her agreement to a paternity test but she said no to me but implied she might consider it if my H asks her.

 

S

[jj33]

Shes definitely lashing out Sid. As you said she was taunting you. The reasons really dont matter. It was a taunt. She is clearly hurt.

 

And you dont need that kind of interaction you have enough to contend with in repairing your marriage. Now you can put it to rest knowing that speaking to her is not going to give you any useful information.

 

Hopefully that little sample of how she plans to communicate with you will give you some peace about the fact that you havent spoken to her in depth. It would clearly be a nightmare.

 

The paternity test is another whole issue. Have you contacted a lawyer to find out if you have a right to ask for one? There may b something you can do for example sending a letter saying youd like one and if she doesnt agree within x amount of time perhaps she will be barred from asserting that your H is the father.

 

That way whether he is or he isnt, the issue will b closed.

 

Its only fair to know if you have another child in the family. After all most parents know 9 months before birth!

[SidLyon]

Shes definitely lashing out Sid. As you said she was taunting you. The reasons really dont matter. It was a taunt. She is clearly hurt.

 

And you dont need that kind of interaction you have enough to contend with in repairing your marriage. Now you can put it to rest knowing that speaking to her is not going to give you any useful information.

 

Hopefully that little sample of how she plans to communicate with you will give you some peace about the fact that you havent spoken to her in depth. It would clearly be a nightmare.

 

The paternity test is another whole issue. Have you contacted a lawyer to find out if you have a right to ask for one? There may b something you can do for example sending a letter saying youd like one and if she doesnt agree within x amount of time perhaps she will be barred from asserting that your H is the father.

 

That way whether he is or he isnt, the issue will b closed.

 

Its only fair to know if you have another child in the family. After all most parents know 9 months before birth!

 

I'm almost a lawyer myself - only 3 subject to go to complete my LLB. I'm no expert in family law but it's certainly possible for my H to apply to the relevant Court for paternity, which the Court would not grant without first ordering a test. Other interested parties such as my H's parents and our children could also apply - maybe even me although I haven't checked for certain. The Court would only order a test if it decided there were some grounds to indicate that my H could be the father. Hence the evidence of their e-mails around the time of conception.

 

Either way at this stage I'm sitting back. I've no immediate plans to take legal action (partly because it would be very unpleasant for all) or to contact the OW again. She's aware of the possibility that it might arise in the future, so maybe she might come to think that it might be better to voluntarily clear it up. Who knows?

 

S

[Island Girl]

She wanted you to feel a sting. She has felt hurt that she did not mean more to your husband - had delusions of grandeur about her importance to him (I have no doubt he contributed to this albeit momentarily) - and when he did not end up with her instead of you she wanted you to feel hurt and betrayed by his statements to her.

 

That's it in a nutshell.

[jj33]

Congratulatoins on the LLB. You are a very strong woman to go through law school while dealing with all this! Are you going to be a family lawyer? Im sure you will be great.

[PhoenixRise]

Sid

 

I am not an OW so I may be completely off base....But I read her comments as someone saying "Guess what, I still have power in your marriage"

 

She thinks she is a player in your marriage because you keep contacting her. She thinks there is trouble and that the trouble is because your H must still have deep feelings for her. And she thinks she has the power to devestate you by revealing the "truth" about your H.

 

Just my opinion.

 

 

Also my opinion....I think you need to decided now how you are going to resolve the paternity issue. If you and your H are going to get at DNA test, why not go ahead and do it now? It is not going to get any easier with time. As more time passes, OW is not going to have MORE of an incentive to do this. If there is a legal way to get the test done and the issue resolved why wait?

[GreenEyedLady]

...to read his e-mails to me"

 

These were the words written to me the other day by the OW. It was provoked by a rather unpleasant e-mail exchange. Although it was initiated by me with a very brief "Are you willing to talk", she did have a choice about replying. She took over a week to reply and by the time she did I had assumed I wasn't going to hear from her.

 

Anyway my question to OW on this forum, is what she might have meant by these words? I interpreted it as a spiteful taunt directed at me and my H interpreted it as a threat to him (to reveal all to me) if he persisted with a request for a paternity test for the child born during their A. Another friend thought it meant that she was still hopeful of breaking us apart.

 

Any thoughts OW?

 

S

 

PS I already know what was in the said e-mails.

 

It doesn't sound like it was said with good intentions.

 

Perhaps she is referencing another email account you don't know about that would contain information to hurt you further.

 

Perhaps she is just lying.

 

You just don't know.

 

Why do you want the paternity test? I almost think it would be better to just go NC with her. She is apparently willing to stoop to the lowest of low to protect her child's paternity.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

Hi Sid...

 

Not everyone has been overly fond of my thoughts as of late, so please take my thoughts with a BIG Grain of salt.

 

I am trying to put myself in her position and to be honest - If the W emailed me almost 2 years later.... I would truly think there marriage was in trouble ( whether it was or wasn't).

 

Now, for most OW - The split hurts, and I am sure more than others....so there is a urge to lash out with truth and " I bet you didn't know this or that"..... and unfortunately, because you made contact first - you opened the door.

 

It is tough because the paternity of the child muddies the water even farther.

 

Personally, I have certainly written letter to W in anger (never sent) but I could never go there.... enough pain for all.

 

But, I am going to play devil's advocate here. How do you know you "know about the emails" ... did she tell you, or are you taking his word for it. I just think the statement ( husband seen it as a "threat") that if he was completely honest.... he would not perceive it as that.... let's face it... if you know all - how could she tell you anything that would be threatening? And I am being 100% honest.. I know for a fact my MM did not tell all and that was re-iterated when we briefly spoke last weekend. So, if I ever felt the need to lash out, I too would be able to say the same and have emails to back it up.

 

I think it comes down to, what it always does. Are you ok in your reconciliation and are you sure this is what you want? If so, then nothing she can say or do would alter that and it truly takes the power away from her. If on the other hand, you are still questioning the reconcillation on your terms... than you need to refocus on that and revisit the decision to stay.... otherwise- this could be a decade of continuing the triangle.

 

God, I have really struggled with all the destruction on all sides that A's cause.....

 

Sid, I have to agree with the above.

 

I wonder why you still have an 'obsession' with her. If I was here, I would think you still have major issues with the affair and yeah, she may have been taunting you, but you started it.

 

Why do you feel the need to keep contacting her? What do you hope to gain from it?

[norajane]

I think it was meant as a derisive remark intended to highlight that you are not "over" the affair yet, and that you keep contacting her for answers instead of just dealing with your husband and are not at all ready to move on and leave this behind you.

[freestyle]

It did sound like she was goading you, or baiting you out of spite.Showing zero remorse, and acting like a sore loser.How very contemptible, IMO.

[OpenBook]

I think it goes beyond her feelings. She had a kid with your H. That's a permanent tie that will last for the rest of her life. She's got way more issues to deal with than just hurt feelings. Finances, how to provide a father figure for her child, how she's going to raise the child all by herself, how she's going to deal with society's condemnation of not just out-of-wedlock parenting, but also being the mistress who had a kid by her MM.

 

She feels powerless, and this is her way of grasping some kind of personal power by "one-upping" you - whom she views as holding all the cards. You've got everything - your H (her MM), your family, financial security, social standing, etc. etc. She has none of those things.

[SidLyon]

I think it goes beyond her feelings. She had a kid with your H. That's a permanent tie that will last for the rest of her life. She's got way more issues to deal with than just hurt feelings. Finances, how to provide a father figure for her child, how she's going to raise the child all by herself, how she's going to deal with society's condemnation of not just out-of-wedlock parenting, but also being the mistress who had a kid by her MM.

 

She feels powerless, and this is her way of grasping some kind of personal power by "one-upping" you - whom she views as holding all the cards. You've got everything - your H (her MM), your family, financial security, social standing, etc. etc. She has none of those things.

 

Thanks to all for replying - lots of food for thought there.

 

Ouch to the suggestions that I am obsessed with the OW - I wouldn't have thought I was but perhaps I'm not being objective. My obsession with the whole situation has been getting less since d-day (which wasn't 2 years ago as was suggested by somebody - it's been less than a year).

 

I'm interested that she may be interpreting my contact with her as either an indication that our marriage recovery isn't going well or that she still holds some sort of power or that there is still an "us" between her and my H. I guess from my perspective I'd like to have it cleared up once and for all that there is no "us" but obviously if they share a child then that might not be possible. If the child is not my H's then we can all move on with no sword of Damocles hanging over our heads about it. If he is, then we have to deal with it the same as do any other families where there are children of parents who are no longer together. Many people I know are in this position and handle it with dignity so I don't think I and my family would be any different.

 

The OW has 2 sons, an older one who is legally an adult and the younger one who is nearly 7 years old. Both were born while she was married and have been brought up as if her H was their father. Now she is widowed so she doesn't really have any stigma of being an unmarried mother - here in Australia it's not much of an issue anyway. She is a librarian and her H was a scientist I think, so as a family they do not have low social standing or anything and they appear affluent.

 

S

[fooled once]

Sorry Syd - it was me that thought it was 2 years..... I must have gotten you confused with someone else.

 

So her email to you was in response to an email you sent her? Why did you send her one? What was the motivation behind it? what did you hope to accomplish?

[jj33]

Sid if you want to know once and for all if there is scope for her to contact him, then go to court. When you contact her on your own, it does tip your hand showing that you are concerned about their connection. On the one hand, who cares what she thinks? You can do whatever you feel you need to do. On the other hand, why stir the pot with her?

[SidLyon]

Sorry Syd - it was me that thought it was 2 years..... I must have gotten you confused with someone else.

 

So her email to you was in response to an email you sent her? Why did you send her one? What was the motivation behind it? what did you hope to accomplish?

 

I put it on the other forum (Infidelity) in my "I have slipped" thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200629/

 

I had forgotten until just now when re-reading it, that I acknowledged that I had a strong urge to contact her and wondered whether I was being obsessive.

 

I'm wondering whether clearing up whether my H is the child's father will really help me in no longer focusing on her in any way, shape or form - I certainly believe that I can let go once I know for sure. I also acknowledge I'm having some difficulty moving on without knowing.

 

At this stage I have asked her to consider whether she will voluntarily consent to a paternity test - I also suggested she seek advice herself on this - I tried not to be patronising but she may well have found me that way.

 

I'll give her some time to consider this and then I'll talk with my H about it again.

 

S

[fooled once]

Oh Sid, I am so sorry you are still struggling.

 

I read the other post in Infidelity and I have to agree with Sanfran (I think I may have the user name messed up).

 

I was an OW.

 

When the MM's wife called me, it was quite comical.

 

She tried to put me down and make me feel bad. Didn't work. I told her I enjoyed f*cking her husband and laughing at her behind her back, that we laughed at her as he performed things... I said all kinds of not so nice things and did it to hurt her.

 

She isn't going to answer you truthfully.

 

She doesn't really owe you anything -- and I am not saying that to be mean. She only came into your marriage because she was invited in.

 

You can't force her to get a paternity test; only a judge can. I also really don't see a judge making her because you want her to -- your husband can ask a judge, but I don't see the courts even entertaining a petition from you or your kids.

 

My heart hurts for you that you are struggling so bad still.

 

And if your H is the father of the child, that is only going to 'tie' her to your family. Financial support; visitation, etc.

 

If your H is the father, does he want to be a part of the child's life? If he does, that opens up a whole host of other issues. I can say this with certainty because I married a man with children from his first marriage and infidelity wasn't a part of their marriage. I dont' know a single bleneded family situation where there wasn't some sort of power struggles between the women (stepmom versus biomom). And in your case, throw in infidelity and trust issues.... I am not sure if your marriage can handle more stress like this. Your H, if he chooses to be involved, WILL have contact with her and that contact won't be between you and her; it will be between him and her because they would be the biological parents. She is under NO obligation to discuss their child with you. I have seen so many cases of stepmom's insisting the biomom include her in the interaction and I have seen many biological mothers tell the stepmom to go pound sand.

 

I hope you can find some closure and some peace - without needing to have any further interaction with her. Because she never has to agree to it and I think that is only going to infuriate you/hurt you, etc.

[SidLyon]

Oh Sid, I am so sorry you are still struggling.

 

I read the other post in Infidelity and I have to agree with Sanfran (I think I may have the user name messed up).

 

I was an OW.

 

When the MM's wife called me, it was quite comical.

 

She tried to put me down and make me feel bad. Didn't work. I told her I enjoyed f*cking her husband and laughing at her behind her back, that we laughed at her as he performed things... I said all kinds of not so nice things and did it to hurt her.

 

She isn't going to answer you truthfully.

 

She doesn't really owe you anything -- and I am not saying that to be mean. She only came into your marriage because she was invited in.

 

You can't force her to get a paternity test; only a judge can. I also really don't see a judge making her because you want her to -- your husband can ask a judge, but I don't see the courts even entertaining a petition from you or your kids.

 

My heart hurts for you that you are struggling so bad still.

 

And if your H is the father of the child, that is only going to 'tie' her to your family. Financial support; visitation, etc.

 

If your H is the father, does he want to be a part of the child's life? If he does, that opens up a whole host of other issues. I can say this with certainty because I married a man with children from his first marriage and infidelity wasn't a part of their marriage. I dont' know a single bleneded family situation where there wasn't some sort of power struggles between the women (stepmom versus biomom). And in your case, throw in infidelity and trust issues.... I am not sure if your marriage can handle more stress like this. Your H, if he chooses to be involved, WILL have contact with her and that contact won't be between you and her; it will be between him and her because they would be the biological parents. She is under NO obligation to discuss their child with you. I have seen so many cases of stepmom's insisting the biomom include her in the interaction and I have seen many biological mothers tell the stepmom to go pound sand.

 

I hope you can find some closure and some peace - without needing to have any further interaction with her. Because she never has to agree to it and I think that is only going to infuriate you/hurt you, etc.

 

I expect you are right in most of what you say about the problems in being a stepmother, blended families etc as well as her wanting to hurt me in any way she can.

 

Here in Australia a number of interested parties can apply to the Family Court regarding access to a child. These included the supposed father, grandparents (ie my H's parents) and siblings (ie my own children). Because my children are underage they wouldn't be able to do it themselves so me as their mother could be involved in getting them proper legal representation. If paternity was disputed then the Court would order a test before coming to any conclusions about access or financial support. It seems like such a horrible process to go to (ie put in a claim for this little boy) just to establish paternity, when she can voluntarily consent to a test. This would not need to be publicised in any way and if negative we could all go our separate ways. If positive then my H is willing to provide whatever support he would legally be obliged to. Whether there are access visits, would be between him and her and given they don't know each other would probably be quite minimal unless my H suddenly decided he wanted a close relationship with him. I'm not suggesting there would be no problems but I can't see them as being substantially any different to other families where the children see both parents who are no longer together.

 

If the truth be known it's my belief that he's not my H's son - so I'm hoping a test will remove them from our lives. If he is my H's son then I'm more than willing to deal with it. It seems to me that it is the OW who is not willing to have this resolved once and for all - I do wonder why.

 

S

[Can'tGiveUp]

If the truth be known it's my belief that he's not my H's son - so I'm hoping a test will remove them from our lives. If he is my H's son then I'm more than willing to deal with it. It seems to me that it is the OW who is not willing to have this resolved once and for all - I do wonder why.

 

S

 

If I recall correctly, you exposed the A to her deceased H's parents and her teenaged (but legally an adult) child. In my opinion, that would be reason enough for her to not want to resolve this for your benefit.

[norajane]

If the truth be known it's my belief that he's not my H's son - so I'm hoping a test will remove them from our lives. If he is my H's son then I'm more than willing to deal with it. It seems to me that it is the OW who is not willing to have this resolved once and for all - I do wonder why.

 

Perhaps she already knows he's not your H's son, and is getting some satisfaction or enjoyment at seeing you squirm.

[MizFit]

Hey Sid. Her 'emails' and the unknown paternity of her child are ways, IMO, of her maintaining a 'we' associated between her and your husband. Note especially her comment that she would have the paternity determined if 'he' asked... as if they are a 'couple'. I think it is an attempt to hurt you by using the weapon of 'their secrets'.

 

I have never spoken with the OW as a dialogue. I emailed her and basically told her where to go but had no interest whatsoever in hearing any of her crap. 8 months following the end of their affair she contacted my BIL from a pay phone reaching out to my husband. I gave her a backhand via another email with his encouragement and support to do so. I wouldn't want to hand that sort of power over to her. If she is remorseful she wouldn't share anything further with you to save you the anguish... however this one sounds like she hasn't really gotten over it and furthermore... that if she did speak with you she'd cut you like a viper.

 

And frankly, you don't need that sort of crap in your head/heart. I know how it feels when you believe you don't know everything you need to know objectively. The truth is no matter who tells the story there is an element of a 'subjective' reality interjected into it. The objective reality... truth be told... may not even exist. She hasn't answered the paternity question because she doesn't want it answered. For as long as it remains a question, she has manipulated both you and your husband and has partially hijacked your marriage.

 

Blow her off.

 

 

Sounds like a charming guy you've got there. You must be so proud...he put two women into a position of pain and anguish...now he's got you jousting with her and, it appears, quite convinced he's relatively innocent compared to the OW. Know what I say...she got off pretty well. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

Perhaps she already knows he's not your H's son, and is getting some satisfaction or enjoyment at seeing you squirm.

 

I totally agree.

 

Stay strong and don't let her get the best of you!

[GreenEyedLady]

If I recall correctly' date=' you exposed the A to her deceased H's parents and her teenaged (but legally an adult) child. In my opinion, that would be reason enough for her to not want to resolve this for your benefit.[/quote']

 

OP, is this true?