What do weekends away in an A mean?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

If you are feeling that guilty why even stay in the R?

 

You can't even spend a weekend with him because you feel bad he's taking time away from his wife and kids.

 

So you must just like being treated badly and expect nothing more.

 

I see no reason for you to continue this R if you cannot enjoy something that many OW cannot even partake in.

 

Why are you still there? For a couple of hours of company and sex? For an A that is pretty seedy? Is that how you see your R?

 

You are short-changing yourself.

 

GEL

 

Those are all good questions. For which I don't have answers. While I do feel guilty, I unfortunately do not feel guilty enough not to go....at least I don't think I do. I posted this thread to get other people's opinion and prompt responses just like yours -- to get me thinking what the hell am I doing. It's like I'm having an internal argument with my two selves -- the one I knew before I got into this A and then the one I am becoming since becoming involved with MM who is having a hard time drawing the moral lines...

 

He doesn't treat me badly while we're together. In fact, he treats me a lot better than this other guy I was seeing a little bit at the same time. Of course, he's married and the other's not so the foundation of the two are completely incomparable...

 

Why am I still here? I am not strong enough to tell him to go away. I like the attention. I am bored with the single men in my life. I don't want a serious relationship. I love talking to him. I love having sex with him. All these are horrible reasons. So, clearly I have no good reason to be here...Teddy Roosevelt once said... "In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." So,I am doing the worst thing possible. I am the process of realizing that and coming to resolve it.

[Adunaphel]

since I am sure this is common in many As, I wanted to get people's (broadly speaking: MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, etc.) opinions about what weekends away mean in an A. Case in point: my MM has suggested we go away for a weekend to a town near the city we live in. We've stayed in a hotel one night in our city when his wife/kids were out of town (well, at least that's what he told me.)

 

That event made our emotional feelings much stronger and just gave us more of a chance to be around each other. I think we were both having a combination of wondering/hoping/dreading what the more-constant time together would bring...and it brought us closer -- for better or worse. Now, he's suggesting a little bit longer getaway. Aside from endangering my own feelings by becoming even more emotionally attached to him, I literally feel sick to my stomach when I know he is likely choosing to spend a night w/ me over one with his kids and wife. That is the one thing that he has said is the most problematic for him when he spends time with me. A weekend away takes that to a whole new level.

 

So, my question for everyone is: have you done this? How did it bode for the rest of the A? MM/MW -- why did you suggest it? Did it take the "fog" out of the A? Did it only enhance it?

 

I have simply asked my MM why he doesn't take his wife to all these grand ideas he has for me and him. He does not have a good answer...

 

I think that a weekend away is a great opportunity.

Two days could be enough time for having a glimpse at someone's real self, if you are lucky.

Listen carefully to your gut feelings...

If you feel fine and very happy, though, a weekend away could have no hidden meanings, expecially if he is not considering leaving his W for you.

In which case... well, if you are in love and you are positive he is not going to leave his W it could make things harder for you in the long run.

[sadintexas]

BUT -- then again --- does one live for the moment or for later consequences?

 

For me, it's both. My goal is to have little regret. Sometimes living in the moment will bring me regrets that far outweigh the pleasure I got in the moment. Other times, living in the moment brings me joy without regret. It's a personal scale...knowing what your personal limits are and what you can live with in the long run.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

For me, it's both. My goal is to have little regret. Sometimes living in the moment will bring me regrets that far outweigh the pleasure I got in the moment. Other times, living in the moment brings me joy without regret. It's a personal scale...knowing what your personal limits are and what you can live with in the long run.

 

That's precisely what I'm struggling with. If my A ended right now, I honestly would not have any regrets (as harsh as that may sound considering the circumstances.) BUT, a weekend away would be, yes, living in the moment, but also a test of how things would bode in the long run.

 

Would I enjoy myself in a weekend away with my MM? Without a doubt if I don't let the whole wrongness of this A get in the way. My conscience gets the better of me sometimes (more so since I've been on here), and it's thus increasingly hard to distinguish living for the moment and acknowledging things in the long run. I don't know what my personal limits are yet. He has suggested flights to vacation spots (Jamaica, Vegas, etc.) and although I'm sure he wasn't entirely serious I think if I pursued that aggressively, we would do it in a heartbeat. I found it interesting that poster Mino has gone overseas with her XMM. Fascinating -- how do they do it? How does his wife not know?

 

Hypothetically, I could see it working out (not overseas, but a weekend away nonetheless)...but it's the time in between doing things that would be hard for me. the traveling. the logistics of life that make the A less foggy. And, it scares me because I am pretty confident my MM and I would handle that just fine.

 

I am also curious about his motives...is he doing it because he wants to be away from his role as dad/husband of nine years...or does he like spending time with me and want to see me more? I suspect it's a combination. But, no one wants to be a filler for an excuse to not be in the life a man is used to. I also suspect my MM is going through a midlife crisis (I hate that term, but for argument's sake, it works in this case.) So, that adds to my suspicion that it's the former (wanting out of his traditional role) than the latter (especially liking me...) Why should the motive matter to me though? More likely than not, I will never truly know what his motives are and this relationship will end no matter what. So, the devil on my shoulder tells me go and have a hell of a time. You're only young and naive once. You only live once. What bad, but oh-so-accurate, reasons.

[sadintexas]

BUT, a weekend away would be, yes, living in the moment, but also a test of how things would bode in the long run.

 

Not really an indicator IMO. You're still not really dealing with "real life" things when you're on vacation. If you want an indicator of how things will be in the long run, pay attention to how he treats OTHER PEOPLE when you're together on the vacation. You'll pick up more of his personality traits watching that instead of watching how he's treating you. It's just about guaranteed he's going to treat you well when you go away.

 

I am also curious about his motives...is he doing it because he wants to be away from his role as dad/husband of nine years...or does he like spending time with me and want to see me more? I suspect it's a combination.

 

Probably both. He gets a break and gets to spend it with someone he enjoys spending time with.

 

Here's the thing about A's. If you sit here and try to get inside of his mind and question his motives and how he's feeling and all of that, you're just going to drive yourself crazy. Either you accept this as a part time thing, enjoy it while you've got it, and you live a FULL life without him (without being dependent on him for meeting any of your needs) or you're going to go through some of the most painful things you can imagine. EVEN IF you get together full time in the end, the ride getting there is not all fun and games by any stretch.

 

 

And for what it's worth, I wasn't able to do all of that. That's my take on it now that I've ridden the roller coaster. Parting with xMM the evening we got back from our vacation HURT because I felt so close to him and so in love with him, it actually hurt parting from him. Just something to keep in mind. Try to figure out what your limits are logically now instead of having to learn them the hard way like I did.