giantfan Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Hello all I've been reading all your posts and they have helped me understand and with the pain that you all feel. I'm not the best at explaining but here it goes. W was not her self for a while and while I thought she was struggling with the kids and school work all year, I must have asked her what was wrong hundreds of times she always stated nothing. One day she told me that it was partly the kids and that it was also me. I love you but I'm not in love with you, we've changed but I love you and we live a good life and she doesnt want that to change, she will try to figure it out and she doesnt want to separate and that she is not looking for someone else. This hit me hard because I had no idea. I have been driving myself crazy because this has happened just as she became a big fan of facebook and has reconnected with her friends, both male and female. Her one male friend supposedly was her best friend for years before I met her and she states that they have never even held hands, and that he knew more and that they always talked about more than she would with her girlfriends. By the way she hasnt talked to him in more than 20 years. He is also married. She chats with him while I'm in the rooom and says that I can read them if I want and that they are only 10 minute chats just to keep in touch and to talk about the games that they play on fb. Asked her a bunch of times if she is also talking to him on the phone and she stated no everytime. Well one day she opened the phone bill which was unusual and my antenna went up. Caught her calling him with a phone card. Answer to me was that I didnt want you to get mad but I wanted to talk to him. I have been a mess ever since. We're married 16 years. I am a mess. I dont believe that anything has happened, maybe a emotional connection i guess but I do suspect that she has met him atleast 1 time. Am I making too much of her calling him behind my back?
tojaz Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 Hello all Am I making too much of her calling him behind my back? No, if she feels the need to sneak around, then she knows theres something inappropriate going on. A marriage is built on trust! TOJAZ
Author giantfan Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 Thank you because everytime i talk to her about that she says that she did it not to hurt me and my reply has always been that every lie has its reasons. The I love you but I'm not in love with you part is eating me up. I cant imagine how I would feel if we seaparated. What do you make of this.
tojaz Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 An all too common occurence I'm afraid. Sounds like mine. Heres my threads to get you started. Give the beginings a read then fire away with questions! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192892/ Tojaz
MArtist Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I hate to say it but my wife (also a big FB fan) started saying the same things, "I've changed, I love you but I'm not in love with you". She did not want to separate either. She wanted to keep that option open. Turns out she was having an affiar. Our divorce will be final next week. Sorry bro, but red flags should be going up big time for you.
seibert253 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 No, if she feels the need to sneak around, then she knows theres something inappropriate going on. A marriage is built on trust! TOJAZ Yes, Yes, Yes. If she's sneaking around it's inappropriate. If it's inappropriate, it's an affair. At least in my book. Draw your line in the sand, give her an ultimatum; me or him. You need to be a man, stand up for yourself, and tell her what she did in your mind was an affair and you WILL NOT tolerate this. She can chose to fix your fractured marriage, or she can get out. You need to be tough, you need to be strong. If you appear weak, she will walk all over you.
Author giantfan Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 I have told her that I love her so many times since she told me and she responds I know. Never once has she said I love you back. Sometimes when I say it she will just look at me but if I ask her if she loves me she will say of course I do I will always love you. It is so hard right now and especially because I have always trusted her and to find out she was capable of doing this, I dont know what to think
PWSX3 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Stop telling her you love her, she doesn't hear it & doesn't care..... Ask her if she would go to MC and see what response you get.
tojaz Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Yes, Yes, Yes. If she's sneaking around it's inappropriate. If it's inappropriate, it's an affair. At least in my book. Draw your line in the sand, give her an ultimatum; me or him. You need to be a man, stand up for yourself, and tell her what she did in your mind was an affair and you WILL NOT tolerate this. She can chose to fix your fractured marriage, or she can get out. You need to be tough, you need to be strong. If you appear weak, she will walk all over you. Listen to the man giant fan! I agree 100% I have told her that I love her so many times since she told me and she responds I know. Never once has she said I love you back. Sometimes when I say it she will just look at me but if I ask her if she loves me she will say of course I do I will always love you. It is so hard right now and especially because I have always trusted her and to find out she was capable of doing this, I dont know what to think Quit with the I love you crap. She aint hearing it right now! Look at these. this whole site is good, but pay special attention to Plans A+B http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html Another good site, find the section on the 180 or search it on LS http://www.divorcebusting.com/
Gunny376 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 She's off in fantasy la~la land, she's lying to you, but worse? She's lying to herself! Your the one that's got to stay grounded here in the real world.
staypositive Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Hello giantfan, I am very sorry to hear about what you are going through. My h did the same thing to me. He started sleeping on the couch, kept telling me that he had things he needed to think about, told me that nothing was wrong with me that it was him. I did everything I could to make it work for months.... I finally started checking phone records, logged into his email and found a name of a lady he had been talking to. Searched her on MySpace and my h had posted "I just want everyone to know that "other woman" is the best person in the world and I love her with all my heart". He was planning on leaving me (wife of 16 years) and our girls for someone he had only know for a few months. Prepare yourself.....there is nothing you can do except start thinking of taking care of yourself and kids if you have them. Focusing on your wife will not change what is going on. You are her spouse and should be her bestfriend. If one spouse feels they need to lie to the other about a relationship outside the marriage, then there is something not right. Maybe for now it is all talk between your wife and her friend but she should be sharing her friend with you not hiding him. The lies are what hurt the most. If she says she is sorry and she didn't mean to hurt you that is because she really didn't expect you to find out. See if she is willing to go to mc especially if this is the first time your marriage has been on shaking ground.
PWSX3 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 The other day on this radio station I listen to someone called in and was saying they thought there spouse was hiding something from them. There reply was; there is nothing your spouse could ask you that you couldn't share with them, doesn't matter how small it is. If you can't then you are hiding something from them, which breaks down the trust in a marriage. I've been here now for a while & it is amazing how each story starts out the same. Just like Gunny said; it starts with the person saying; I love you, but I'm not in love with you. They are the ones that are not honest with themselves, but they blame other people to make what "they" think they are thinking correct in there little screwed up minds.....
hopesndreams Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 If/when she doesn't smarten up and the road is heading towards separation/divorce be sure to give the OM's W a call.
broken hearted Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I have told her that I love her so many times since she told me and she responds I know. Never once has she said I love you back. This seems like a HUGE red flag to me! I told my husband over and over how much I loved him when he told me he loved me but didn't feel the same way and his response was always, "I know" but never, "I love you too"! My husband was having a full blown affair, while I was home pregnant and taking care of our two year old son, dog, house, everything! I hate to say it but, this screams affair to me....SCREAMS IT!!!
floridapad Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 My wife gave me the same speech and then I found out 3 months later she was having an affair with a coworker. She said he was just a freind and it was no big deal, prior to me finding out about the fullblown affair. My freinds wife gave him the same speech and she was having a long distant online affair and they booked a local hotel. You need a plan PRONTO if you want to save this thing. Tojaz sent you some links to marriage builders. Good stuff. You are in the beginning stages, so DON'T panic. Don't chase her around asking about her feelings. Don't be needy and tell her you love her. She knows it. This WILL push her away. Trust me I made all the same mistakes. There is a ton of stuff on here but check out the marriage builder site as well regarding plan A and Plan B. I feel for you.
MArtist Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I have told her that I love her so many times since she told me and she responds I know. Never once has she said I love you back. Sometimes when I say it she will just look at me but if I ask her if she loves me she will say of course I do I will always love you. OMG, my wife would say the exact same thing, "I know you do, I will always love you, you are the father of our kids". I'm not saying your situation is hopeless, but it does not look good. Too much like what I went through.
Author giantfan Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 The red flags are driving me crazy. We still are doing all the things that we used to do. When she told me how she felt she asked me not to try to fix it that she needs to fix this for herself. She also is mad at herself because she says that if she didnt tell me anything that we would have a good life together and be married for 20 to 30 years. I am so confused.
staypositive Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I think that maybe she could be mad because she got caught. My husband told me the same thing. He was so upset with himself. He didn't realize what he was doing. These revelations came to him as he was driving to the other woman's house. I wanted to believe him so much. How could someone that I have been married to for 16 years just lie so easily? As of this day, he still lies over and over and over. Please start slowly but start getting into things that you like. Find yourself again....start a new hobby....hang out with friends. These things will help you clear your mind and also keep you from continuously dwelling on your situation. These are things that I have started doing and I am learning to think a little clearer about my situation.
lupa Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 "I love you but I'm not in love with you." "Then who are you in love with?" I'm sorry, but the writing is on the wall. It happens to so many people...these folks get this fantasy idea of what marriage and love is supposed to be, that the butterflies never go away. I didn't have the butterflies even on my wedding day! They were gone like a year before that! I knew marriage was comfortable, caring, work, frustration, annoyance...DEDICATION. She thought it was Disney movie Oxygen Channel Lifetime bullsh*t. Let her go, become your own person. Trust me. She is lying because there is someone else, either physically, emotionally, or imagined. Grass is always greener until you have to light a match to be able to follow the other person into the bathroom in the morning. Living together is hard, frustrating, and quite frankly difficult...and it takes two people to understand the difference between puppy love and long term life together. Good luck...and listen to Gunny.
Author giantfan Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Thanks to all for the help. All the suspecting without hard evidence other than catching her calling her friend is driving me crazy. She has been able to explain other red flags somewhat where I cannot flat out call her on it. I think all the communitcation is going through facebook. I would rather just know so I can get myself together. Its something how the other person can make you feel like your crazy even when everything else they say doesnt add up.
seibert253 Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Keylogger, Keylogger, Keylogger. Pull the SIM card on her phone, clone it,then put it back. Then have it examined. Will show you all calls and deleted and nondeleted texts. VAR in her car? You got to get into Magnum PI mode. My WW explained away everything until I had to resort to the above. When I threw it down in front of her, she couldn't lie any more.
2sunny Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 agree - she's involved big time with the OM. keylogger will show you what she types. also - if she's showing you her page... she may not be showing you her separate chats with him... also the message area she may not be revealing to you. the phone card is a HUGE red flag. stop telling her you love her - pull away - if she didn't have anything to hide - she wouldn't be hiding a phone card. ask her when and where she is when she calls him... how long they talk. the lies are what's the worst. get busy finding out what the reality is here... she's not being honest at all and there's a reason.
delajoonal Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Ahhhhhhhh! My favorite subject...FACEBOOK :sick::mad: LONG story short: 6 months ago, my H opened a FB acct....within 2 weeks, he was in an online EA...by the 3rd week, i knew, but needed to hear the words.. after 14 years of marriage...ONE just knows... so he said, it those same cruddy words we all hear from the cheater loser a**holes!!! "i love you, but i am not in love with you anymore!" skip ahead 6 months.. my H left, i am in an apt. alone, with my chihuahua... H is with his online EA, that is by now i am SURE PA (ewwww!), OW filed for divorce from her H and 2 very small kids...just left them all in the dust...for this trist she is having with MY H! so they both, my H, the OW, both have filed for divorces and are now together..so to speak...and me and her H are...well...nothing now. my situation has gotten really really ugly...another time another thread:o emotionally, i was/AM devastated, never stopped crying, LS saved my soul and my life...especially a few really special people, tojaz, lisaUK, lupa, Gunny, ladybug...and more.... listen...your W may NOT be having an A of any kind...BUT FACEBOOK is the breeding ground for divorces and break ups and NOTHING ever good comes of it..just watch the news, or read a paper...FB is always getting rotten publicity...look at ANY of these sites like LS...ALL filled with words of FACEBOOK destroying marriages, people losing their minds reconnecting with a high school crush..after 20+ years and more of marriage....it is a fricken epidemic if you ask me! everyone says, DON"T blame Facebook for your marriage breaking up! tough crap..my H even admitted IF not for meeting this fat ugly piece of crap, i mean the OW, ..he would have gone to MS with me and worked on our marriage, as he knew HE made mistakes too...etc.... BUT, now is in loooooove with this fat ugly piece of crap...hhhummm..i mean the OW... F*** them both! sound bitter...you bet i do! OK, so...i get strong, i get out, seem to start a life..and whamo! H and his OW do something to knock me back down again.. and today..well, now i am just hitch hiking off your thread..sorry... but today, i CANNOT STOP CRYING!... wtf????? when DOES THIS PAIN END.. .i waited 6 mo. to get angry.. now i am soooooo angry i can't see straight and i can't stop crying...these are MAD TEARS!!... sorry...i had to let that out...sorry:o:confused: ok. then... keep posting here on LS...people are amazing...and always here when you need them.....always... take care...sorry again for crying all over your thread...
seibert253 Posted September 5, 2009 Posted September 5, 2009 I swear FB was invented by Lucifer himself.
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