freestyle Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 That`s probably how he`s playing it now~~~you`re the evil temptress that seduced poor old unsuspecting him......................Gack!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Montclair0011 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Perfect timing for this post, for me anyway. The question being : why does BS blame OW more than MM? Its a fair question and on the surface easy to say the wife shouldn't blame OW at all perhaps, and certainly not more than MM. I'm dealing with same right now. Now, my H is a just newly discovered serial cheater. For him to even know enough about the other women, regarding names, faces, where, when...I would have to make him Flash Cards to work with. So, obviously blaming any of them is pointless. They didn't know his real name and many didn't know he was married. Except one. This one. She is married. We have met. In fact, I once did her a big favor. In the past, she has tried to cozy up to both H and myself but we decided she was to be avoided as a train wreck. His words. She met ME. My name has been in her mouth. I am angry. Not that she f'd my H because in light of all else I'm hardly jealous. But she knows ME. Now, this is not yet a case of forgiving my H but not her...and to me one has nothing to do with the other. I will admit my rage concerns me enough that I have decided, for the moment, to do nothing. Yes, this is when it gets personal. This is the type of OW that fits the sterotype (although it can also be relative which complicates it even more). This is why, after a period of focusing on my husband''s choice to cheat (as directed by my therapist), I started to get really mad at the OW. She was an old GF of his (like 25+ years ago) and had become a friend of both of us. We had attended each others' weddings. She had disappeared from our lives because of a small misunderstanding after which she cut us off. Suddenly years later she calls out of the blue and talks to the husband and tells him she's divorced and lonely and wants him come up for some reunion. I trusted him, had never had a reason to not do so before. Besides she lived so far away (about 8 hours drive) I figured it could not lead to anything. I have to think once she got him up there she was all over him. I found out, from her ex-husband, that she had dumped him for another guy who dumped her after 6 months. So she was suddenly all alone in a rural place. She had gone fishing through the old phone books to look for someone and he bit. She deliberatly went after him, despite knowing he was married and had a child and lived far away. My husband started reading books about supposedly Buddhist notions of cutting those that are like cancer out of one's life (like their wives). He said she (who he was at that point claiming was just a friend) gave them to him as they had helped her heal after her divorce. She was coaching him to leave me. She was giving him study materials. Later, after he had moved out, she called me up on the phone crying because "she wanted to find a way to make it better for all of us" She wanted me to know it was difficult for her too! Like I was supposed to have sypathy. She was looking to me for suggestions on what to do! When I told her I was not going to feel comfortable with her being with my husband she lost interest and said she would not call me again. Anyway, I'm getting carried away here but the point is, there are some OW who have a relationship with the W and still stalk the husband and it is understandable that the BS would be mad at them and feel betrayed. These are toxic people. In such cases I think it is best to acknowledge the anger and to do as little as possible about it except cut that person out of your life and treat them as if they don't exist. What you don't want to do is plan and plot revenge or get obsessed or call them up crying, etc. (which is what I almost did and I'm so glad that I did not). Ultimately the focus of the rage should be directed to the cheating spouse, but in some cases there is justifiable secondary anger. Try to be professional, except in your mind where you are free to fantasize about all sorts of horrible things happening to them. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Perfect timing for this post, for me anyway. The question being : why does BS blame OW more than MM? Its a fair question and on the surface easy to say the wife shouldn't blame OW at all perhaps, and certainly not more than MM. I'm dealing with same right now. Now, my H is a just newly discovered serial cheater. For him to even know enough about the other women, regarding names, faces, where, when...I would have to make him Flash Cards to work with. So, obviously blaming any of them is pointless. They didn't know his real name and many didn't know he was married. Except one. This one. She is married. We have met. In fact, I once did her a big favor. In the past, she has tried to cozy up to both H and myself but we decided she was to be avoided as a train wreck. His words. She met ME. My name has been in her mouth. I am angry. Not that she f'd my H because in light of all else I'm hardly jealous. But she knows ME. Now, this is not yet a case of forgiving my H but not her...and to me one has nothing to do with the other. I will admit my rage concerns me enough that I have decided, for the moment, to do nothing. I absolutely love the flashcard statement! May I borrow it??? I don't want to come off as being better than anyone else, but I don't understand getting close to the W in an A. That is a true triangle and the BW is victimized twice. I never knew MM's W and if she discovered me she would only be angry at him. I'm sure a few choice names would be directed at me but I would otherwise be invisible to her. I would hope that would be of some small comfort to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 I absolutely love the flashcard statement! May I borrow it??? I don't want to come off as being better than anyone else, but I don't understand getting close to the W in an A. That is a true triangle and the BW is victimized twice. I never knew MM's W and if she discovered me she would only be angry at him. I'm sure a few choice names would be directed at me but I would otherwise be invisible to her. I would hope that would be of some small comfort to her. I would of like to remain invisible to her, but apparently he kept bringing up my name in their conversations, so I am not invisible anymore. She still did not know who I was till she started asking around if anyone knew me, again small town. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Trust me she probably hates him as much as she despises you. MM raely get away with cheating without reprecussions. But ask yourself this what gave you the right to get involved with a married guy in the first place? did you not think you'd have to wake up and smell the coffee some day? Why dont you move or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Trust me she probably hates him as much as she despises you. MM raely get away with cheating without reprecussions. But ask yourself this what gave you the right to get involved with a married guy in the first place? did you not think you'd have to wake up and smell the coffee some day? Why dont you move or something? That is not an option I own my house, they rent theirs seems easier for them to move if I bother her sooo much. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 That is not an option I own my house, they rent theirs seems easier for them to move if I bother her sooo much. Well is it worth it to have all this drama and turmoil in your life. I think a change of scenery could benefit you. What's really ancorhing you to this small town, family? friends? You can always visit. but if it's so small where you are constantly harassed on a daily basis, then what? You were the OW you need to own up to your choice in that. You need to make amends! That can stop things sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 Well is it worth it to have all this drama and turmoil in your life. I think a change of scenery could benefit you. What's really ancorhing you to this small town, family? friends? You can always visit. but if it's so small where you are constantly harassed on a daily basis, then what? You were the OW you need to own up to your choice in that. You need to make amends! That can stop things sometimes... I have family very close to me, I am a single mother and it is important to me for my daughter to some stability in her life. And as for owning my part in the A I have now he needs to. She would never allow me to make amends. End of story. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I have family very close to me, I am a single mother and it is important to me for my daughter to some stability in her life. And as for owning my part in the A I have now he needs to. She would never allow me to make amends. End of story. I am sure you now know that having an affair also threatens your daughter's stability. I hope she wasn't with you when that woman was yelling those mean things at you. And if she was, I hope you didn't only make out the man's W to be in the wrong in the entire situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 I am sure you now know that having an affair also threatens your daughter's stability. I hope she wasn't with you when that woman was yelling those mean things at you. And if she was' date=' I hope you didn't only make out the man's W to be in the wrong in the entire situation.[/quote'] No she was not with me, in the last yr and half she has seen him only 2 times once when he fixed my washer and we went to a bon fire with friends and he was there that is it. She just thinks of him as a friend. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 No she was not with me, in the last yr and half she has seen him only 2 times once when he fixed my washer and we went to a bon fire with friends and he was there that is it. She just thinks of him as a friend. Good. Glad to hear that. I was around my mom's married bf all the time. He lived with us. I didn't find out until I was much older that he was married. He even lied and told her that he was divorced!! So, of course, him living with us for a year would give that impression. Because of my experience, I really hate to see kids involved in these things. I got it from both ends. My mom was an unwitting OW, and my dad is a classic serial cheating MM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 I am very concerned, his BF called me and told me that he was talking to him and he told him I did not give him an ultimateum that I told him to go be with her I was done. He told him he is leaving her he is not happy, I am scared he is going to be walking thru my door any day now. I at this point am not strong enough to tell him to leave. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Please tell me how someone walks through your door if 1) you don't let them in, or 2) they don't have a key? You know what to do if you don't want him. No need to be coy about this. If you are wavering about being done, at least be honest with yourself about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 I am very concerned, his BF called me and told me that he was talking to him and he told him I did not give him an ultimateum that I told him to go be with her I was done. He told him he is leaving her he is not happy, I am scared he is going to be walking thru my door any day now. I at this point am not strong enough to tell him to leave. Any advice? why are you accepting calls from HIS BF about HIS condition! Who give a flying F how he's feeling! You need to stop responding to his crap through his friends, and family! if anyone contacts you, ignore them!!! Why the hell are you even wanting this to continue!? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 3, 2009 Author Share Posted September 3, 2009 why are you accepting calls from HIS BF about HIS condition! Who give a flying F how he's feeling! You need to stop responding to his crap through his friends, and family! if anyone contacts you, ignore them!!! Why the hell are you even wanting this to continue!? So you are saying even if we met thru our mutual friends I should not even talk to them, seems harsh its not them that did wrong. I do not want to continue this, but it is very very hard being we did admit our feellings for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 So you are saying even if we met thru our mutual friends I should not even talk to them, seems harsh its not them that did wrong. I do not want to continue this, but it is very very hard being we did admit our feellings for one another. And with statements like this you wonder why the wife is still harrassing you! OMG did you not learn anything with the aftermath of the affair!?!? If they bring him up you talk about something else! His BF called you in pertaining to him? WHY? if he knows you had an affair with him, you tell him his friend's stability is none of my concern keep it to yourself! He admitted his feelings and yet you was used & thrown under the bus, and he returns to his wife while your just sitting there with fond memories of a scumbag who used you. Remember NC means NC for life! Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 And with statements like this you wonder why the wife is still harrassing you! OMG did you not learn anything with the aftermath of the affair!?!? If they bring him up you talk about something else! His BF called you in pertaining to him? WHY? if he knows you had an affair with him, you tell him his friend's stability is none of my concern keep it to yourself! He admitted his feelings and yet you was used & thrown under the bus, and he returns to his wife while your just sitting there with fond memories of a scumbag who used you. Remember NC means NC for life! As harsh as he sounds, I agree with him. You don't have to end your friendships with these people, but enforce some boundaries. They seem to think that its your job to rescue this coward. You need to let them know that its over and you don't want to talk about him. Or you will continue banging your head against this wall. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I would of like to remain invisible to her, but apparently he kept bringing up my name in their conversations, so I am not invisible anymore. She still did not know who I was till she started asking around if anyone knew me, again small town. This is a case where she wanted to learn who you were after the fact. I was speaking more about OWs who get close to the W during the affair in order to be 'in'. I know of an OW who was best friends with the BW for 20 plus years and the OW was privy to every little detail in the M. If the BW knew that now she'd have to be put in a mental instution...I know I would! Keeping your distance was a good thing. Now that she's found you, it might not be so bad to open the door if she knocks on it looking for answers, unless of course, she is a psycho. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 As harsh as he sounds, I agree with him. You don't have to end your friendships with these people, but enforce some boundaries. They seem to think that its your job to rescue this coward. You need to let them know that its over and you don't want to talk about him. Or you will continue banging your head against this wall. I am totally lost right now, I know I need to end things with everyone involved, but I already feel alone and depressed. I spent most of the evening crying. In order to enforce boundries I will need to have NC with them as well and that makes me feel horribly worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 This is a case where she wanted to learn who you were after the fact. I was speaking more about OWs who get close to the W during the affair in order to be 'in'. I know of an OW who was best friends with the BW for 20 plus years and the OW was privy to every little detail in the M. If the BW knew that now she'd have to be put in a mental instution...I know I would! Keeping your distance was a good thing. Now that she's found you, it might not be so bad to open the door if she knocks on it looking for answers, unless of course, she is a psycho. She already knows the answers really she knew he was spending wks at a time with me, Her and I were never friends. Yes I am going to go out on a limb and say she is psycho who else would yell nasties while hanging out a truck window. But that is JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I am totally lost right now, I know I need to end things with everyone involved, but I already feel alone and depressed. I spent most of the evening crying. In order to enforce boundries I will need to have NC with them as well and that makes me feel horribly worse. You will feel worse if BW does something wacky to your kid, or sees to it that your kid is harmed via hurting you. Don't underestimate the evil the BW can levy against you and those you love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whatisgoingon Posted September 4, 2009 Author Share Posted September 4, 2009 You will feel worse if BW does something wacky to your kid, or sees to it that your kid is harmed via hurting you. Don't underestimate the evil the BW can levy against you and those you love. She will not do anything to my daughter because if she wants to be play the evil BW she will be in for an awakening when she sees what a mother can and will do if she messes with her daughter. What happened was between her H and me not my daughter, besides she is already in trouble with the law she does not need to add that to it. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I hear what you are saying, the mother tiger is coming out in you- Good! However, this is what worries me for you: "Yes I am going to go out on a limb and say she is psycho..." Please understand a person who you yourself refer to as 'psycho' is not one who will consider your mother tiger instincts when doing something crazy...she will do it, and okay great, you claw her like a tigress etc, but the damage has been inflicted first and already by HER. Again! I would stay far away from this MM and his W and the people they know...at least stay way low for 3 months or so! jmo Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I am totally lost right now, I know I need to end things with everyone involved, but I already feel alone and depressed. I spent most of the evening crying. In order to enforce boundries I will need to have NC with them as well and that makes me feel horribly worse. (((whatsgoingon))) I've never been in this position, but I imagine it to be very hard. I don't think you need NC with them as well. It seems like they know about the A and knew before his W did. So I think it would be a good idea to tell them that you and he as an item are over and that you just want to move on without him (unless of course, you don't). Boundaries doesn't automatically mean NC. But it will mean you will have to speak up for yourself and say some things that may be very uncomfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 STAY NC, keep your boundries and find new friends. what's stopping you from rebuilding your life? Link to post Share on other sites
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