icyness Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 You're right Caramel. I guess I just assume because I paranoid as hell anyways, we were LD so that makes me that much quicker to jump to conclusions, and obviously because he refuses to speak to me. Also because of the haste the break up seemed to have occurred in. I suppose it's 50/50 as far as my knowledge is concerned..it's still maddening not to just know.
Author caramel c Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 You're right Caramel. I guess I just assume because I paranoid as hell anyways, we were LD so that makes me that much quicker to jump to conclusions, and obviously because he refuses to speak to me. Also because of the haste the break up seemed to have occurred in. I suppose it's 50/50 as far as my knowledge is concerned..it's still maddening not to just know. I know...well, you can create your own fantasies in which he approaches a girl and she blows him off rudely. He walks away and trips on his own shoelaces. Another girl he approaches is immediately joined by her 6'6'' 250 lb boyfriend who is about to beat the **** out of him. This is what is happening every time he tries to get a date. ha!
icyness Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 LoL, that's true. I try to convince myself that even if it has nothing to do with anyone else, I feel like part of the motive for his avoidance towards me is to make me think there is or something. I know this is terrible, but am I the only one that tries to pick out little things about them you hope would turn others off or drive them away? I know it's pathetic, but I do that a lot.
Author caramel c Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 LoL, that's true. I try to convince myself that even if it has nothing to do with anyone else, I feel like part of the motive for his avoidance towards me is to make me think there is or something. I know this is terrible, but am I the only one that tries to pick out little things about them you hope would turn others off or drive them away? I know it's pathetic, but I do that a lot. LOL, I DO THAT TOO!! My sister and I sit here and make fun of him all night sometimes. Once, he told me that he takes amodium ad regularly- AS IF I needed to know that. So, we have jokes about him being stressed out of his mind on the toilet all night. lmfao! hahaaaaa omg what if he knew I just said that? but guess what, it doesnt matter!
soheartbroken Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Icy I feel for you sooooo much, you have no idea. I have all the same thoughts that you have...will she ever talk to me again, why did she not want to talk to me again, IS SHE SEEING SOMEONE ELSE. I definitely have my suspicions about that one. And if I think too much about it I absolutely panic! I want to know, but I don't want to know. I probably don't want to be friends with her if she was getting emotionally involved with someone before she left me...because then some of the stuff she told me would be lies (like telling me she was in no way interested in the person that I was suspicious about). I don't want to be played like a fool. I have considered asking a friend to keep an eye on the situation (I have moved cities)... On the other hand, I don't want to know because it would hurt me even more than I already am hurting (if that's possible). So it's kind of lose lose. Sometimes I just tell myself that even if she was getting emotionally involved with this other person, it wasn't the real reason the relationship ended. It ended because of my immaturity and our constant arguing.
icyness Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 LoL, that's too funny. At least it's some kind of mental ammo for you Caramel! Good bad or indifferent. I'm sure there are things they wish we never know about them. I really don't think they think about all that stuff when they decide to leave. They forget how comfortable they are with you and that it does and will take time to build that up with someone else. And, depending on the person, they may not be accepting of some things about you. Despite being on a pedestal and the top of the world when they first leave us, not everyone is going to be willing to put up with their BS! I hope he realizes that regardless if I'm ever with him again or not.
Author caramel c Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 LoL, that's too funny. At least it's some kind of mental ammo for you Caramel! Good bad or indifferent. I'm sure there are things they wish we never know about them. I really don't think they think about all that stuff when they decide to leave. They forget how comfortable they are with you and that it does and will take time to build that up with someone else. And, depending on the person, they may not be accepting of some things about you. Despite being on a pedestal and the top of the world when they first leave us, not everyone is going to be willing to put up with their BS! I hope he realizes that regardless if I'm ever with him again or not. OH, he does realize it! That you can count on.
icyness Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 SHB, I hear you. I'm so sorry..it really does suck. I wish I had someone to let me know what was going on with him too. I've thought about so many things as far as all that goes, especially initially when the breakup first happens and you go into that panic mode. I still try and think of ways to find out even though there's nothing really. He has to actually call me up and tell me himself.
icyness Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 OH, he does realize it! That you can count on. Hehe, thanks Caramel. I bet all our ex's do! Of course they'd never admit it.
Peanut9330 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Icy I’m so sorry that your going through all that its so hard when they just break up with you without really giving you a specific reason, but trust me on one thing once you find out and that reason was that there was someone else it will set you back. WAY BACK you'll feel even worse than now. The best thing you can do for yourself is just to stop thinking about it so much and focus on yourself and happiness. Once your able to do that you'll start to feel better, trust me when I say you don’t want to know those things they will only make it worse. I thought I would get closure when I found out instead I was a mess emotionally. So focus on yourself enjoy life be happy and you'll see in the you will feel much better. Also try your best to not contact him wait for him to make the first move and when he does you decided if you want to talk to him or not.
alphamale Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 i'm gettin off work early today so i think i'll go home and masturbate. then get some dinner and watch tv and play on LS. will probably hit the hay around 11pm or so.
icyness Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Thank you Peanut. I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with his freezing me out. I know I shouldn't assume, but when they do this does it usually indicate there's someone else? I just don't know why else he'd be so adamant about it. He was never, ever like that in any way shape or form. I hope he does call. I keep seeing how everyone thinks the same thing in the first stage, that they're never going to hear from them again..then out of no where when you least expect it, they contact you. It really feels like that's not going to happen in my case though for whatever reason. I know I could resist the urge to pick up, I just want him to contact me sometime.
Lyssa Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 i'm gettin off work early today so i think i'll go home and masturbate. then get some dinner and watch tv and play on LS. will probably hit the hay around 11pm or so. Straight forward, aren't we?
Funky Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 My friend is getting a new car so giving him a ride to go get it, should help me change my mind and well get me out of the house where she is still living with me.
Peanut9330 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Well i'm working till 10:30 so i'm sure the only thing that's gonna be on my mind when I get off is going home and going to bed. I'm already tired and its only morning.
Author caramel c Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 Ok, so today is NOT like yesterday. Annoyance level:10. I am just not in a good mood. I'm edgy and I don't even feel like talking to people. I feel very negative. This is just not fair. I gave it more than my all to end up with absolutely nothing. Joy.
Peanut9330 Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Ok, so today is NOT like yesterday. Annoyance level:10. I am just not in a good mood. I'm edgy and I don't even feel like talking to people. I feel very negative. This is just not fair. I gave it more than my all to end up with absolutely nothing. Joy. Caramel we have our good and bad days and I know how unfair it is when you put so much effort into something and gain nothing in return, but remember you have to say postive and focus on your happiness. Don't dewll and waste your energy on those feelings they have no positve benefit for you. Just try to relax a little bit do something that makes you happy and get your mind of the situation and I promise you will be better you just need some time, but on days like this focus on yourself and your happiness and talk to someone about it and you will start to feel better. The more you talk and the more support you get the faster you will heal.
icyness Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I'm sitting here reading, chatting to a friend, trying everything in my power not to call him. I'm starting to break down again. I don't know how much longer I can go on without speaking to him and at least getting some answer's. I'm slowly going nuts.
silic0ntoad Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I'm sitting here reading, chatting to a friend, trying everything in my power not to call him. I'm starting to break down again. I don't know how much longer I can go on without speaking to him and at least getting some answer's. I'm slowly going nuts. I went thru the same phase, Icy. To be honest, would the answers even make you feel better? Think about. Answers will lead only to more questions of why. You will still be heart broken, and even more so after hearing his voice. It's HARD to maintain NC. But it gets easier. I am at almost 3 full months, at the end of next week. Looking back on everything that happened, I can say I have changed as a person through this. But, by not having contact, I can honestly say I have taken strides to get my life back on track. You will go through the pain, the sorrow, then the anger, and the upturn, as the rest of us. But getting answers from dishonest people is like turning lead into gold. It just doesn't happen. And now that they have cut us out, they have no obligation to answer at all, let alone tell the truth.
Author caramel c Posted September 2, 2009 Author Posted September 2, 2009 Caramel we have our good and bad days and I know how unfair it is when you put so much effort into something and gain nothing in return, but remember you have to say postive and focus on your happiness. Don't dewll and waste your energy on those feelings they have no positve benefit for you. Just try to relax a little bit do something that makes you happy and get your mind of the situation and I promise you will be better you just need some time, but on days like this focus on yourself and your happiness and talk to someone about it and you will start to feel better. The more you talk and the more support you get the faster you will heal. Thanks Peanut. You are right...I went home, ate, took a nap & watched Hell's kitchen. By then my sister came home and we started cracking jokes about anything & everything like usual. It did lift my spirits. I did some reading in bed & then called it a night. Today I feel better, but not great. I just feel blank. It's ok, its better than I was yesterday (superb*tch). I really need to get back into cooking & exercise. I have been SO lazy lately. Well, not exactly lazy because I've been busy, but I haven't cooked or baked very much at all since the breakup and that is totally my thing! I should find a new recipe, go to the store after work, and do it up when I get home. Icy - listen to silicon - there is nothing he can possibly tell you that will make you feel better. No matter WHAT he says, if the end result is not 'i made a mistake and want you back' then you will be hurt by it. Even if not at first, once his words sink in you will feel disastrous. You are better off wondering. Pretty soon, you'll stop wondering. If you hear his words, you will just have more to wonder about and the wondering will be prolonged along with the pain. Remember, YOU can come up with your own conclusions. It's hard to do, but if you succeed and satisfy your own mind, you will be happy about that.
Sbrizio Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I'm sitting here reading, chatting to a friend, trying everything in my power not to call him. I'm starting to break down again. I don't know how much longer I can go on without speaking to him and at least getting some answer's. I'm slowly going nuts. Icyness, i know what it is. I was going mad as well. It seems to grow and grow in your head, and it takes all your energy to keep the though down. Call a friend, and talk with her/him. Talk about this, not just chit chat. And/Or, leave the phone at your place, and go for a walk (this helped me LOTS). It's a good feeling to know you are completely isolated from the world for a while. Once the urge passes, you'll be able to see (slightly better) why it's better not to call. What i wanted (in the depth of my hearth) was to call her in the hope i could push her to go back on her decision. This was foolish from my part as i realize, now, that anything which is not a direct result of her own "personal work", would not grant any durable result. Just know, that these urges will pass. They'll be the first thing to go away. You'll be where i am now, not wanting to hear from her (him in your case) anymore in the future. This will be the next step in your healing (not the last). Look forward to it. One step at a time.
icyness Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Thank you Sbrizio, I really appreciate that. I keep feeling like they'll pass too some days..but then I get worse; I just don't know anymore. I have an instinct about this particular relationship that I won't ever be able to let certain things go. I was only with him for about a third of the amount of time compared to my last relationship..and that one was bad, yet I was more than able/happy to let all of it go right away. Not this one, I'm too much in love and I'm too hurt. I'm also positive I'm supposed to be with him. I know everyone says that will go away in time, you only feel that way now, etc. but I know in this case it's just not going to happen for me. I feel at best they'll die down to a certain extent, but I'm so damn angry about so many things, I can't shake any of it completely. I'm writing this huge letter getting a ton of things out. I had like 3 drafts of different letters sitting in my mailbox, so I threw them all together and and am adding onto it. Of course I won't be sending it, but it makes me feel safe to have it around in case I feel I need to someday.
Author caramel c Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 Icyness - that's good that you're writing, keep it up, its a great release. Guys, I'm going back and forth between emotions again...this is crazy. Who am I??? Tonight I am watching Clean House on TV. I ate too much pasta. I look pregnant. eew
icyness Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Thanks Caramel. Ugh, I know going back and forth is so draining and really plays tricks on your heart and mind. Hehe, I know what you mean. I end up not eating for like a day or so, then I eat something..probably more than I should which it ends up blowing my tummy up and I feel sick. I can't seem to find a balance with anything. It first happens and you can't sleep, eat, etc. at all. Then it's too much at other times, etc. Blah.
Sbrizio Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Doing my laundry Preparing my bags for 1 week vacation Missing her Reading LS posts (as consequence of #3) Trying to remember how to play the guitar Long night ahead..
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