Why do some men run away from their true feelings?

[leap83]

I was just discussing this with a bunch of male and female friends and I wonder what the LS community thinks of this. Obviously perspective on the subject differs a lot whether you're a male or a female.

 

The scenario: A guy who has previously been in LTR meets a new girl. He goes out with her and suddenly he starts to feel intense emotions. He hasn't felt this for a while and/or never (app. a year; other girls he previously dated didn't invoke anything remotely close to these feelings). He realizes that when he's with her he "can't control himself." This bugs him. Instead of pursuing the relationship further, he decides to back off (the feelings he has for the girl are the same ones she has for him) by stating to her that their relationship "freaks him out." He goes home. Sits and complains to his buddies.

 

So, why on earth does this happen?! If your feelings are reciprocated, why do you run away from them? Is it the fact that it seems unbelievable to fall for someone so quickly so you just assume it's not going to work? Or what is the deal? I'm going to share my friends' (both male and female) opinions when I hear your opinions on this.

[carhill]

My perspective is pretty simple, since I've seen this dynamic many times with close male friends.

 

Imagine a tool or procedure you're unfamiliar with and, suddenly, without warning, you're faced with using that tool or following that procedure without adequate preparation. Panic.

 

Men, in general, process the world intellectually and deal with it in a logical manner. Their emotional tools are only used rarely and the instruction manual is kinda faded and dog eared. When they have to whip it out and put it to use, , and then brain freeze.

 

I saw this most recently when I told my best friend I was getting divorced. His reaction was so chaotic and uncharacteristic, I thought he had MI'd (heart attack). Conversely, I've been using my emotions my whole life and live each day with them equally engaged with my intellect, so I have little trouble handling emotional situations because I'm used to it. That's not to say I never get overwhelmed, because I do, but I generally can avoid a panic, and definitely can when faced with emotions of attraction and desire and connection like related in the OP.

 

Simply, it's just a matter of practice, IMO.

[boogieboy]

He's probably been burned before when he lost control with these feelings. Last time he went all in the girl might have bailed on him. Women sometimes bail when the man isnt an emotional challenge and he might be afraid it will happen again if he doesnt control it.

[carhill]

If he's emotionally stable, women can burn him 1000 times and he'll process the emotions the same way, one which is healthy for him. The first rule of emotional discourse is.... you can't control anyone but yourself. Processing one's own emotions in an unhealthy manner is far worse IMO than potentially getting 'burned'. Take the risk, be yourself, get burned (if that is the path) and move on.

 

Here, he 'burned' himself. Vicious circle, IMO.

[leap83]

carhill and boogieboy: I get what you're saying. The person we were discussing was burned pretty badly in his previous relationship. So, I see your point - past experiences are driving his ability to think right now. He said one thing while we were all listening "My heart is telling me to stay but my mind is freaking out. When I'm with her, I'm completely out of control and I can't trust myself. It's like she waves a finger and I come to her. Not that I don't want to come to her. I didn't expect to feel like this." Only recently did he actually start to care (when he met this girl).

 

Carhill: Burned himself? Yes. Probably. He decided to take a break with this girl so that he can get his emotions in check. Probably lost her forever.

[leap83]

Another thing we were wondering is whether if he was prepared to feel this way again, he would have "ran away"? He said that she caught him off-guard. My guy friends kept asking him whether he was feeling lust or love. From his words though, it seems like he truly fell for her. He also said that things would have been better if they were slower (even though he never said anything and just went with it - he even accelerated the relationship by introducing her to us (his buddies). Except you can't slow down once you're going at a high speed.

[norajane]

When I'm with her, I'm completely out of control and I can't trust myself.

 

He couldn't trust himself in what way? Is it that he couldn't trust himself to hold back?

[leap83]

He couldn't trust himself in what way? Is it that he couldn't trust himself to hold back?

 

Yes. I believe that's what he meant. He kept saying how he hasn't told her 3/4 of the feelings he has for her and that he is afraid to do so; then he went on to say that sometimes things would come out and he didn't want them to come out (ie his feelings). In general, he was holding back a lot, but was feeling like he couldn't hold back. However, he was afraid to tell her how he feels and still is. Then he said how he feels like he's leading her on and by telling her how he truly feels, it would have led her on (this was the comment which made me look at him weirdly because it didn't make sense). So I asked him "You're leading her on? So you have no feelings for her?" and he said "No. I have feelings for her. But if I said everything I was thinking, how can I guarantee that that will be the case?! Like I want to tell her that I will never leave her and that it has never crossed my mind... that I see huge potential in her and that she's my check-list girl.... but how can I guarantee that nothing will happen between us?!"

[norajane]

Well, he's right about that. He already left her. Way to not lead her on.

 

He was afraid she could leave HIM. He didn't want to get involved because he was already so invested, and knew he would only become more invested if he kept seeing her. The guarantees he knows don't exist are the ones he is protecting himself from...not that he always be there for her, but that she might not always be there for him.

 

He was just afraid to give it his all because he'd been burned and knew that he could be burned again because there are no guarantees.

[leap83]

Haha... I'm thinking after the lesson he received from both male and female friends tonight, he might be calling her up and saying what kind of idiot he is. At least I'm hoping because she was a nice girl. Actually, she was perfect for him and I think he knows that.

 

Could it be that he fears THAT much of his own emotions?! Weird...

[Trialbyfire]

A need for control due to insecurities.

[leap83]

Well, he's right about that. He already left her. Way to not lead her on.

 

He was afraid she could leave HIM. He didn't want to get involved because he was already so invested, and knew he would only become more invested if he kept seeing her. The guarantees he knows don't exist are the ones he is protecting himself from...not that he always be there for her, but that she might not always be there for him.

 

He was just afraid to give it his all because he'd been burned and knew that he could be burned again because there are no guarantees.

 

So I'm assuming there's no way to make him smarten up? He'll just sit there and let her walk away? He was already invested and she wasn't planning on leaving him any time soon. When we met her, I managed to talk with her a little bit and I gauged that she was feeling the same way about him as he was about her. She said that she never thought she would meet someone like him and that she was really happy.

 

Trial: Yes. Insecurities. He didn't let her compliment him. She would say something nice and he would say "Thank you" but he said to stick to the "insults". He has tons of insecurities.

 

Some men are weird.

[Trialbyfire]

Do both of them a favour and stay out of it. When you push someone out of their comfort zone, it doesn't matter if they're perfect for each other. A guy like that will freak at any given opportunity so let him be comfortable in his hidey hole. It's not worth it for the girl to have to pay the price for his fear.

[norajane]

So I'm assuming there's no way to make him smarten up?

 

Not really. He has to be open to giving his heart in order to get into a relationship where he allows himself to feel everything he's feeling, and he's clearly not ready for that. He may end up kicking himself when he realizes girls like her don't come along too often and he sure blew it, but people usually have to learn those lessons for themselves. There isn't anything you can really do.

[JohnP82]

I can relate to your friend. I have been burned and had my heart destroyed in the past when I lost control. Since then I've changed a lot and have become more aware of my emotions. I think that if I was in a similar situation I would try to take a step back. I don't think I would completely run away from the relationship but instead try to limit the interaction and keep myself busy in the hopes that the idea of her wouldn't consume my thoughts and keep a little better control of my emotions. Maybe that could help him.

[leap83]

Thank you for all of the replies. I'm just trying to gauge what is exactly happening to my friend.

 

I'm not going to do anything about it. I was just wondering whether he can maybe realize all of this before it is too late (if it's not late). I don't usually get involved in these kinds of discussions, but he's a close friend and he literally surprised me with everything he said - he wasn't like this with his ex. But then again it took him about a year and a half to fall for her... So I'm assuming he never really felt like this before. But that's just assuming.

 

So far, the thoughts of her have been consuming him. For the past couple of days at least he's been out of it and that's why the conversation ensued yesterday. But he's never told her he misses her, because he claims that he doesn't miss anyone really (hard to believe again).

 

I think he's come to a realization after the talk that he will lose her (if he continues being dumb about this). The thing that bugs me the most though is the fact that he wants a relationship. So, if you want a relationship, then why didn't you prepare for whatever you were going to feel? Don't you all go through a stage right before a relationship where you put your feelings in order?!

 

Babydafa: That's exactly what he needs to realize. He keeps saying "well in my previous experiences that didn't go too well" or "if I do that, just like in my past, I'll get hurt again". Some of our friends have told him that he's a coward and that he's being a little irrational at this point in time.

 

I'm just sad to see that a good relationship will go to waste because of his stupidity. I can't tell from the outside how good their relationship is, but from everything I saw and he has told me, it was a very non-dramatic, natural type of relationship. They never yelled at each other and were truly compatible in many different things. You don't let go of these things (IMO) because it's rare you meet someone who is so compatible to you. But that's just my opinion. If he wants to go out and date other girls, and truly get burned, then he can go ahead. I wonder if he'll give her a call today. It's been almost a 3 weeks since the last time they talked. Pfft.

 

Norajane: You said how he was already so invested... So, he is in love with her? That's what I thought.

[leap83]

So, one of my other friends is beside me and he wanted me to type this up so here it goes:

 

"So, let me understand what is going through his head. He got out of LTR about a year ago (I can't keep track). Then he said how he wants a relationship. We thought it was a bad idea. He went out with 2 women before this one and he just didn't care at all. In his previous LTR, like leap mentioned, it took him about a year to fall for her. So, he breaks up with 2 women before this new girl. He goes out with this new girl hoping to fill in the loneliness he was feeling (assuming he was feeling it) and he realizes that he can't not care about her. He starts to feel things he didn't feel before. He decides to continue in this relationship and after 3 weeks realizes he's falling for her hard. In his brain though falling so soon, so fast is not a good idea. He tries to take some control over his emotions, but he realizes that he can't when he's with her. He keeps falling for her and he can't stop it. Then after a month and a bit he thinks to himself that he's blinded by irrational thoughts/feelings, doesn't believe he's in love, thinks he's leading her on, starts to panic, feels guilty and decides to tell her that he can't do this. However, he's already in love with her (except he doesn't realize this and is clouded by his past relationship which was horrible). Did I get this right or am I far from what he's feeling? I'm a guy and I have never been in this kind of situation - I view things very differently from him."

[JohnP82]

I note from the way that you and your quoted friend talk that you believe this potential relationship is destined to go the distance, but there are no guarantees. Just because two people are compatible and never argue doesn't mean that it will last. Maybe your guy friend realizes this and feels the need to reel his expectations back in and in doing so he has pulled out. Sounds crazy I guess, but you don't have his experiences.

[Woggle]

The last time he gave into his true feelings and gave his all to a woman she hurt him so why should he do it again? This is how he is thinking right now.

[carhill]

One would think that intimacy is part of an intimate relationship, no?

 

IMO, you can't have it both ways. If he just wants a wet noodle now and again, sport f*cking without emotional involvement is the way to go

[leap83]

Nah. I know him very well so all of this stuff coming from him is a bit of a surprise to me. He's not the type of guy to sleep around. The 2 women he dated before this one, he just went on a couple of dates. Nothing happened. And he wouldn't be able to handle sleeping with someone right now in this condition (he said that himself so yeah).

 

He is taking a risk with this. He said if it's destined to be then it will be but he needs to resolve some of the issues that keep popping from the past. He is friends with this girl (for now) and they both agreed on this.

 

I don't believe in compatibility and I don't believe that 2 people are destined together. In actuality, I believe anyone can be with anyone as long as you meet in the middle. However, the type of connection he has with this girl ran way deeper than anything his friends or I have experienced. When we saw them together, our jaws literally dropped because we didn't believe a word he was saying about her/them, until we actually met her and were like "wtf..." He clearly stated today that she's his "check-list girl" but that he needs to get his life in order before he can make their relationship work. I believe he does as well... So they're taking a "break" on mutual agreement.

 

I do have his experiences actually. I just don't understand male's perspective on this because women deal with it differently. I came out of a very ****ty and abusive relationship as well and I base some of my decisions on my past, but if a guy walked into my life (which happened), I wouldn't be scared to take a risk. I got burned plenty of times before and yes, I was scared to take a chance at the beginning, but after a couple of months, I decided that playing safe is not the way to go. So that's my perspective on this. If it was me, I would have stuck through this relationship and worked on myself - hell, maybe she would have been even able to help. Oh well... We'll see what happens.

[lukewarm]

Have they slept together yet? (your friend and this girl) There's still a chance of them being friends if they haven't slept together. That's probably not what your friend wants but at this time that might work for now, since he doesn't appear to be emotionally stable to be dealing with all these amazing feelings too soon for this girl.

 

If they decide to be friends, he needs to mainly focus on himself and his issues yet still treat her special.

[leap83]

Have they slept together? I don't know. I didn't ask him. I think that even if they did, they can still be "friends". They're not technically friends - that's what I gauged out of the convo I had with him yesterday. He has never stayed friends with any of his ex's and because she's willing to give them a second chance (without promises that she won't meet someone else during the time he's dealing with his issues), he is quite happy about it. He worried that he lost a chance with her and that he didn't deserve a second chance, but after hearing him out, she decided to offer him that option. I guess she feels strongly about him, otherwise she wouldn't be doing this. So he said there are a couple of things he needs to concentrate on now and he's willing to do all of that for a month or 2 (for her) and then see where it goes from there. He knows it's a huge risk he's taking, but he seems to really care about her and wants to make it work in the long run. He told us that if he stuck in it now, it wouldn't have worked long-term because of the issues he has - so ultimately what he's trying to do is preserve the long-term relationship between them, even if he's risking losing her. Here's hoping everything works out.

[norajane]

So he said there are a couple of things he needs to concentrate on now and he's willing to do all of that for a month or 2

 

What is he going to concentrate on?

 

I guess I'm confused as to what he thinks will happen during these 2 months that will make him less afraid to enter into a meaningful relationship?

[leap83]

Well... It's his past mostly that is causing all of this. He was in a long term relationship which was a lot of things (I don't want to get into too much detail - the girl he was with didn't treat him well... they broke up a lot and she insulted him a lot and what not - don't know all of the details). So, I'm assuming he's still not over his past in that sense - he's insecure, awkward, and emotionally drained. He said something along the lines of "I can't believe she (new girl) thinks I'm amazing. I haven't been amazing in a very long time... for years. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. And now all of a sudden, everything is amazing?! I haven't changed one bit and now everything is amazing. I don't really get it. I mean, it's a nice compliment. But... yeah can't wrap my head around it." So, he still has issues from previous relationship that he needs to resolve. I'm certain once he realizes he's good enough and becomes more confident in himself, everything will fall into place. And I think he needs to deal with this on his own. So, when he said he needs to deal with his issues, I think that's what he meant. He doesn't want to hurt this girl (even though he kind of did unintentionally) so he's backing away for now. That's how I understood it. Will he be ready in a couple of months? I don't know. Only he knows. He might be or he might not be. Only time will tell.