very sad

August 16, 2009

I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questioned the situations that happened over the course of the almost 4 years I was with him. This is a long post but I wanted to be specific about certain things.

I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me wanting more attention and acting jealous. Please read each of the points. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before. He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.

I know these issues are not big compared to cheating or physical abuse but it bothered me. My friend said because it is like taking a jab in the face constantly when little things were said or done and it shows I was much more invested than he was.

My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc

here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture:

1. When first beginning dating him, (over 3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him. I don't mind sitting in the back but it was obvious it was being shown THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SITTING like I did not belong up there.

after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive). It turned into an argument over this

My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front. It made me feel insecure

Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.

But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy, I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it.. I also thought he could have said something to his friend to defend me b/c the friend is indirectly calling me a ho* by starting to say that line. He could have just said something small like take it easy, or back off a little..something..but he didn't which makes me believe it bothered him his friend was doing that but not in terms of believing I should be sitting up front no questions asked.

Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.

2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls.. I know guys look but i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and he would do it constantly and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did after debating if it truly bothered me..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.

3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.

Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.

It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while he did his thing or spent time with his family.

There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times or weird for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me. I also knew if i wasn't there that day and went home---i truly felt he would have been fine with that too. Like it wouldn't have mattered either way almost i guess because he knew he would be seeing me in a few days. We saw each other about 3 nights as week. But knowing he was fine either way if i was there or not kind of got to me at times. Like i wanted to feel he wanted me there on some sundays and would be a little sad if i had to go home at times or something.

I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something... But it still was a weird feeling..i felt like past a certain time on sunday..it was like the ending of school--time is up, time to leave and get out of here if that explains it somewhow.

5. He hardly ever complimented me and i felt like critical comments were made more often. I would dress up some saturday nights when we were just going back to the apartment to just watch a movie..not really dolled up completely but i made sure to keep my appearance up and i hardly ever got a compliment. Instead one time he mentioned why do you look dressed up to go the apartment. I was not super dressed up or anything but it just made feel kind of like--I can't win you know? Another example would be we were sitting at the table eating and i notice him staring at my eyebrows and i asked what? and he said nothing, just looks like alot of work. I really don't know why that was said...and another thing was--he cuts his own hair which takes a couple of hours..getting my eyebrows done takes 5 minutes. It just made me feel tiny and like another critical, unneccessary comment was made. Was it the end of the world? no, but things like that would make me feel a little angry, sad, uneasy etc

6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality which I saw as well..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well

7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me or talking about it ...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first ..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.

8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me......and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? That made me feel even worse than what he did. I felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me. This happened a few times where he forgot.

9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...

BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.

I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap

I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself.

There is another example of him kind of embarrasing me in front of both his mom and sister....i didn't learn to drive yet due to finances etc and just time slipped by..I also never learned to ride a bicycle as a kid which when my b/f found out he said he would teach me that. Well one time his sister was being nice and was like if you ever want to learn to ride a motorcycle i can teach you....my boyfriend chimes in front of his mom and sis saying something like yeah why don't we start with driving a car first or even a bike....and then his mother said you know how to ride a bike right? she didn't say in like a mean way and i know she didn't mean anything by it...but at that moment i just felt like so tiny and didn't even know what to say..i felt like it was unnecessary if his sister was just trying to have a conversation and be nice to me. It almost felt like he was pointing out my shortcomings on purpose or something....needless to say i felt tiny and weird

There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done ..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way. Now i look back and wish i had let some things go because I think we would still be together. I miss dearly.

i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently. .. i am blaming myself constantly because i hate we are not together and he could be with someone else by now. It hurts alot

I have been without him for a few months and sometimes i just really miss him and feel so sad without him. My friends know alot about these situations and do say yes he had good qualities but you would have selling yourself short by staying

But when i go out, i actually become more sad about things...i see the guys that are out there and how they act and even heard about some of the ex's from other girls and the guy i was with was ALOT better. My good friend even says he was not a bad guy in general, he did have a good heart and was a decent boyfriend but he had this pride in him and almost arrogance where if he didn't have a girlfriend thats fine and i felt that vibe while i was with him which was not the most secure thing to feel when with someone after so long..but in general he was a good guy, was good to his family, drove alot to see me....and now i miss him alot even as time passes..i just don't feel as happy even though i kept myself busy, traveled, joined new activites...at the end of the day i'm just not as happy without him.

Thank you all for reading. I appreciate it very much in this difficult and lonely time.

August 16, 2009

Hi. Sorry you are hurting. Hmm, well, there are sometimes I think you were overly sensitive (the bike, driving comment), but then there were other times where he seemed to be insensitive (the dinner, always putting you in the back seat.)

But it is hard to tell...someone could say a comment that might not seem like a big deal when someone reads it. However, if they said the comment in a nasty or sarcastic way, then it can be hurtful.

I am very sensitive. In relationships I have to walk a line being trying to be more flexible and not overly sensitive and standing up for myself. It is very difficult. The past 2 boyfriends I had have been very INsensitive. There were a lot of digs. With my recent ex, I kept trying to understand him, but in the end he cruelly, cruelly left me, and looking back I realize just how bad he treated me.

Hmmm. I'm not sure what to say. If his personality is constantly rubbing you the wrong way, it might be better to be apart. But you should still work on yourself and try not to be too sensitive, because being overly sensitive can cause problems even with a guy who is very nice.

August 16, 2009

We dictate how people treat us. I think you were insecure and clingy and overly sensitive at times, but you also let him walk all over you.

I've told you this time and time again, but you need to stop seeking out validation from others. People here have told you time and again that he was inconsiderate. But more than a year later you're still hung up on him. Your main problem is your insecurity.

I think you need to find your purpose in life. Ever give thought to joining the Peace Corps?

August 16, 2009

We dictate how people treat us. I think you were insecure and clingy and overly sensitive at times, but you also let him walk all over you.

I've told you this time and time again, but you need to stop seeking out validation from others. People here have told you time and again that he was inconsiderate. But more than a year later you're still hung up on him. Your main problem is your insecurity.

I think you need to find your purpose in life. Ever give thought to joining the Peace Corps?

I am glad it wasn't just me thinking that I had read this story before.

OP, you've posted this EXACT same story many times before and had people respond to it. You are just replaying the same story over and over again in your head like one of those old stuck record players. You are stuck in an obsession and really need to get some help with this... I mean that in the most kind way. I don't mean to sound hypocritical as most of us with broken hearts tend to obsess to a certain extent, but we don't post the same threads over and over again. From looking at your past history, I can see that you are stuck - and this isn't a minor rut; this is the kind of stuck where you need to see a professional for medication and support. Please, please get the help you need... and I mean that in the most gentlest way, not as a rebuff to you. You've been in pain over this man for a few years now and are still repeating the same questions in your head incessantly. I am sure you would be very happy to get some relief from this misery - so please find someone qualified to help you get out of this funk.

If you still feel the need to obsess, please refer to your past threads where you have posted the exact story and gotten responses:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=185427 April 2009

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=162878 August 2008

August 16, 2009

I read this very same thing, about the driving situation, a long time ago. How many times have you posted this topic?

Or maybe I'm psychic.

EDIT: Oh I just read the above posts where people also recognize it.

Damn, thought I was psychic.

August 17, 2009

Thank you all for reading....I post to different parts of the site to get feedback from different people..it doesn't have to be the same people who responded before to respond again...its just a way to get further feedback--if you don't want to respond, you don't have to but I notice not every one goes to different parts of the site so why not post further and see what other responses i can get? I have been on and off on this site for awhile, I don't check it every day and haven't read responses before this for a short while. If it seems redundant to you(which im sure it is to some because i have posted the same thread), you donot have to respond to it..its meant for people who may not have read it and for a way to see what they have to say....there is no time limit for how long you can be hurt and miss someone and like i said i keep moving forward by doing activities, meeting new friends, traveling but that doesn't change the hurt felt inside.

August 18, 2009

The problem is that you're getting the same feedback from everyone, but it's not changing anything. You're seeking validation from others, and it should come from yourself.

I think people are probably frustrated because they want to see you happy and over this dude. It's ok to not be over someone, but you seem to be stuck in the very same spot as last year.

August 19, 2009

thanks for writing

i am definitely not in the same place as last year...do i miss him dearly and think about him a lot amd question things?--yes i do..but i am not in the state where i was crying my eyes out afterwards and felt very unhappy that i just wanted to be alone. Time has passed but i still think about him.

August 19, 2009

jmmm,

I remember responding to your posts about a year ago.

It's sometimes hard to get over past relationships and if you don't manufacture your own sense of closure, you'll often repeat the same questions and processes in your mind. This is counterproductive to your own future.

Whatever has happened with your ex has happened. It is in the past. You cannot change what previously occurred, nor can you change the way you or your ex responded to how those events unfolded. Replaying them repeatedly in your head is not helping you. What you can change and what you do have the power within yourself to effect, is your own present. Accepting the break up means more than lamenting about it and rewinding the past. It means genuinely accepting that the relationship for whatever reasons, is over and learning from whatever mistakes were made. There's nothing wrong with thinking about your ex. But please don't get stuck in a particular thought pattern that prevents you from meeting new people and possibly new relationships.

People come into our lives at particular times. They may not always be in our lives, but at least we can appreciate the past that we've shared with them. It's time to move on and write a future.

It's been a year and while you're not crying about him (that's great), you're still thinking the same thoughts over and over. Counsellors can really help you to work through whatever it is that's preventing you from making more progress.

Good luck

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