Very Sad

I'm trying to gain some insight on things.. I wish my ex would come back but I have questioned the situations that happened over the course of the almost 4 years I was with him. This is a long post but I wanted to be specific about certain things.

 

I wanted to reveal some aspects that made me feel insecure which led to a cycle that i guess i couldnt break, and maybe made me wanting more attention and acting jealous. Please read each of the points. i recently told a close guy friend about these aspects which i never told him before. He knew of me being jealous about certain things, but when i told him things like this, he said he would have given me different advice a very long time ago, and questioned why i would stick around and tolerate alot of these things.

 

I know these issues are not big compared to cheating or physical abuse but it bothered me. My friend said because it is like taking a jab in the face constantly when little things were said or done and it shows I was much more invested than he was.

 

My ex is a good person, confident, well mannered with opening doors, paying etc etc, very close to his family in regards to doing things for them, he knows how to talk to people, how to act on dates etc

 

here are some tiny details that i guess can lead to a big picture:

 

1. When first beginning dating him, (over 3 years ago) I noticed when we went out with his friend and my b/f was driving..i would be sitting in the back seat as opposed to the front next to my b/f...it continued on even after 3 months..if we all went out together, he would actually LEAD me to the back door for me as opposed to the passenger side door where i would be sitting next him. I don't mind sitting in the back but it was obvious it was being shown THIS IS WHERE YOU ARE SITTING like I did not belong up there.

 

after about 8 months or a year of dating there was a road trip we were going to go on for a few days with his friend..and i actually chose to bring up that issue of sitting in the back seat..and he joked and said the front is only for drivers (i dont drive). It turned into an argument over this

 

My sister in law even said i would dump him now..she said she never heard of a man doing that with his girlfriend, and she thought it was crazy i even had to bring this up to him..i decided not to go on the trip, but i was placed in the front seat after that. but from that point on it still made me feel like i made him place me in the front seat and still may not think i belonged in the front. It made me feel insecure

 

Another time we went out and his friend who is even older than he was(above 30) either looked like he was going to cut in front of me to get to the front seat or open the door for me, i don't know which it would have been but my ex boyfriend did speak up and say you are gonna have to get in the back.

 

But the friend actually gave him a little cr*p about it. he even said thought friends before(he was obviously trying to mess with him)...and he didn't finish the saying but obviously the saying is friends before h*es..my boyfriend at the time didn't say anything and i felt kind of dumbfounded that after 2 years or more of being with the guy, I still heard a friend older than 30 actually saying something like this, and it still made me think my b/f probably still felt a tiny bit that i should have been in the back. everytime i sat in the front seat and a friend was there or his brother apart of me still felt he thought i belonged in the back..is was as if i had to force him to do it.. I also thought he could have said something to his friend to defend me b/c the friend is indirectly calling me a ho* by starting to say that line. He could have just said something small like take it easy, or back off a little..something..but he didn't which makes me believe it bothered him his friend was doing that but not in terms of believing I should be sitting up front no questions asked.

 

Maybe after a certain point he thought ok, yes she does belong in the front but it was almost as if the damage was done or something and even 2 years later i still felt that way.

 

2. I noticed when driving with him he would constantly turn his head to look at girls.. I know guys look but i felt it was disrespectful to do in front of me..to turn your head...he wasn't breaking his neck or anything but obviously i could notice it and it bothered me and he would do it constantly and it took me a long time to say something but i eventually did after debating if it truly bothered me..i felt he should look with his eyes or just do it when he wasn't around me.

 

3. On the weekend every sunday was like his day for his choirs and things of that nature..after a certain point in dating him i wanted to spend some time with him during the day..we never spent time during the day going to the beach or just spending a whole day at his place etc etc.

 

Our schedule seemed to be after work/at night...and in the beginning when i did start sleeping over which ran into that choir day he jokingly/sarcastically would say wasted day...because he wasn't productive...to me--that was somewhat hurtful whether you were joking around or not.

 

It's obvious some part of him felt that way..and it made me think he was doing me a favor almost or spending a full day with me was something he HAD to do because he was my boyfriend...as the relationship progressed it seemed he wanted me there more of the times, i would try to keep him company while he did his thing or spent time with his family.

 

There were still times when i felt like he thought he could have been getting this and this done...which leads to insecurity...i felt guilty at times or weird for being there or as if he was doing me a favor or doing it because he felt as a boyfriend he should spend some long days with me. I also knew if i wasn't there that day and went home---i truly felt he would have been fine with that too. Like it wouldn't have mattered either way almost i guess because he knew he would be seeing me in a few days. We saw each other about 3 nights as week. But knowing he was fine either way if i was there or not kind of got to me at times. Like i wanted to feel he wanted me there on some sundays and would be a little sad if i had to go home at times or something.

 

I felt like i belonged there other nights like a thursday, friday, saturday...but sunday felt a little weird to me at times..especially past a certain time like 6 maybe because driving me home took a long time like 30 minutes and then he would have to drive back but i guess that could have been worked out more where i took more cabs or something... But it still was a weird feeling..i felt like past a certain time on sunday..it was like the ending of school--time is up, time to leave and get out of here if that explains it somewhow.

 

 

5. He hardly ever complimented me and i felt like critical comments were made more often. I would dress up some saturday nights when we were just going back to the apartment to just watch a movie..not really dolled up completely but i made sure to keep my appearance up and i hardly ever got a compliment. Instead one time he mentioned why do you look dressed up to go the apartment. I was not super dressed up or anything but it just made feel kind of like--I can't win you know? Another example would be we were sitting at the table eating and i notice him staring at my eyebrows and i asked what? and he said nothing, just looks like alot of work. I really don't know why that was said...and another thing was--he cuts his own hair which takes a couple of hours..getting my eyebrows done takes 5 minutes. It just made me feel tiny and like another critical, unneccessary comment was made. Was it the end of the world? no, but things like that would make me feel a little angry, sad, uneasy etc

 

6. My friends said he had alot of confidence and this indifference personality which I saw as well..that if he was in a relationship, thats fine..and if he wasn't thats fine too..ultimately his confident personality made me insecure as well

 

7. His friend was able to get him this job at a bar from time to time and i was with him for 2 and a half years at this point and he was ready to call his friend up and just agree without even discussing it with me or talking about it ...to me--i think thats a pretty big thing..a boyfriend agreeing to work at a bar whatever job it may be and he didn't even consider bringing it up with me first ..my friends said i deserved more consideration than that and he ultimately still feels he doesn't need to answer to me about alot of things which isn't necessarily a good thing after over 2 years together.

 

8. He forgot to introduce me at a wedding...it was a year and a half together or even more and we were standing online to congratulate his family member and when his time came he shook his hand and gave the girl a kiss...and then about 10 seconds later (obviously he forgot)he said "oh, this is my g/f so and so...like kind of matter of factly..he didn't say it in a bad way but saying oh, this is so and so...it was obvious he forgot for a second which is really bad to me......and i said something to him later and he kind of got defensive and he said you are right. maybe i am just not used to introducing anyone...thats his defense after more than a year? That made me feel even worse than what he did. I felt like he should have sincerely apologized if that hurt me. This happened a few times where he forgot.

 

9. He embarrassed me a few times in front of his mom by things he said..and one time it was almost done on purpose...we got to his house where his mom was and i was feeling pretty out of it and i just wanted to go to a restaurant and just have dinner with him and not with his family that night..he said thats fine and he went to get a few things but then said she made all this food and noone else is home, she would be eating alone right away i said ok, thats fine then..no problem, lets go eat with her...

 

BUT seeing as though he had embarrassed me before by saying something in the past and made me feel like i didn't look so great...i told him---don't tell your mom i didn't want to eat with her because its not like that, i just wanted to eat with u tonight thats all...10 minutes later i am reading a book and he just says she doesn't want to eat here, she just did because she heard you would be eating alone.

 

I felt soooo angry/dumbfounded/sad..i really couldnt believe it..and the mother said oh i don't believe him don't worry...but i felt so angry..i felt like it made me look like crap

 

I honestly can't remember if i did anything to him a few days prior that would make him do that...but now i just blame myself.

 

There is another example of him kind of embarrasing me in front of both his mom and sister....i didn't learn to drive yet due to finances etc and just time slipped by..I also never learned to ride a bicycle as a kid which when my b/f found out he said he would teach me that. Well one time his sister was being nice and was like if you ever want to learn to ride a motorcycle i can teach you....my boyfriend chimes in front of his mom and sis saying something like yeah why don't we start with driving a car first or even a bike....and then his mother said you know how to ride a bike right? she didn't say in like a mean way and i know she didn't mean anything by it...but at that moment i just felt like so tiny and didn't even know what to say..i felt like it was unnecessary if his sister was just trying to have a conversation and be nice to me. It almost felt like he was pointing out my shortcomings on purpose or something....needless to say i felt tiny and weird

 

There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done ..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way. Now i look back and wish i had let some things go because I think we would still be together. I miss dearly.

 

i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently. .. i am blaming myself constantly because i hate we are not together and he could be with someone else by now. It hurts alot

 

 

I have been without him for a few months and sometimes i just really miss him and feel so sad without him. My friends know alot about these situations and do say yes he had good qualities but you would have selling yourself short by staying

 

 

Thank you all for reading. I appreciate it very much in this difficult and lonely time.

What a jerk!

 

Making you feel like you're a freaking BURDEN in his life.

 

I know how sad and lonely you are feeling BUT just keep reminding yourself what a terrible, terrible boyfriend he was.

 

Hugs....

I am so sorry you went through all of this.

 

The two of you had very different relationship personalities.

 

There were plenty of things that told you this wasn't the guy for you. Feeling insecure and like he was putting you down, being overly critical, putting you in the backseat, etc.

If you are in a relationship that leaves you feeling put down and empty then you need to get a new boyfriend.

 

It isn't your fault of course.

And he does lack tact and his critical crap is bullsh*t.

 

You need someone sensitive and sweet in your life.

 

This guy is never going be what you would be happy with.

 

Please try to push him out of your thoughts and keep yourself busy.

 

Remember when you get red flags - like you did in the very beginning with the riding in the backseat thing - move on.

What an a*se hole!

 

I actually went through a very similar thing with my current boyfriend but i think the reasoning behind his actions were very different!

 

I was never MADE to sit in the back of the car but often i would do because of other factors that made me think whats the point in sitting in the front when his friends are with us?

 

For example....he would NEVER hold my hand.

 

When pulling up somewhere whether it be the supermarket, the cinema or anything he wouldnt wait for me to get out of the car he would just walk off (which would EXTREMELY irratate me as its just bad manners).

 

He'd often choose his friends over me for example i can remember one specific time on a sunday morning he was called up and asked if he wanted to go to Blackpool for the day with his friends and he said yeh il meet you shortly and didnt even invite me!!! So because id stayed over the night before (and we were actually still in bed at the time of the call!!!) i had to get up n he dropped me off at home.

Another time being when we'd arranged for us and some of our friends to meet in our local pub (my friends being 2 girls and his being a few guys) but he didnt show up on time. It was just absoloute fluke that i'd stepped outside to get some fresh air and his MINI BUS full of girls and guys pulled up at some houses on the other side (as one of the houses was his friends) his friend got in it and they went to drive off!!! So me being me went storming over asking what the hell he was doing and he said "oh we're all going to the club wanna come??" needless to say i went back into the pub with my friends and told them this STUUPID relationship was over and it was a pathetic excuse of one anyway.

BUT he came straight back.

 

As im typing this now im asking myself "actually why am i stil with this guy he treated me like crap!?" but when we were alone it was brilliant. When i ask him now why he was like that he says it was because i was his first ever girlfriend and he didnt know how to juggle someone he was really falling for and his hectic social life. This also explains why he always walked off when getting out of the car and not holding my hand because he was inexperienced!!

 

But i am so glad i told him how i felt right at the beginning and pointed out that he cant treat me like that.

 

The difference between my story (sorry for waffling) and yours is that my bf was only 20, didnt know how to treat a woman and changed and he never put me down about anything and always valued my opinions.

 

Your ex sounds horrible to you! You may be missing him but is it just the company you miss or the nice things he does?? Whatever the reason i don't think you should go back to someone who puts you down, shows you up or makes you feel like you shouldnt be there even after all that time!!

 

Find someone who appreciates you and who you can have fun with without having to worry about what he may say!

 

Good luck....times heals!!! x

I am glad I got positive responses...thanks for reading it :*)

 

definitely has been hard b/c I blame myself alot thinking i shouldn't have reacted to this or this or did this differently..but close friends who know alot about what went on still say ok he had some good qualities but with the little bad things he said and did-- you weren't made of stone..of course you are going to react and feel certain things.

ok he had some good qualities but with the little bad things he said and did-- you weren't made of stone..of course you are going to react and feel certain things.

 

You didn't react strongly enough IMO.

 

You should have paid closer attention to how you were feelings -- your own feelings - and not excused then away or downplayed them as "your problem" because of ANY qualities he may have had that were good on paper.

 

Never allow a man to treat you this way.

 

Never stay with a man that brings reactions of low self worth out in you because of his treatment of you.

 

Do not ever put your self in a secondary position in your own life.

There is compromise in relationships, there are times when you may put your needs aside BUT you should ALWAYS ALWAYS have respect.

 

Bottom line is if you feel disrespected - you need to say something about it. You need to stand up for yourself. And don't allow someone to dismiss your feelings as unimportant or irrelevant or an overreaction either.

 

Truly this guy was a moron and he treated you like crap. And you should have told him off about it from the very beginning. Would it have made a difference in how things turned out? Maybe - who knows.

But if you had I can guarantee one thing you wouldn't have had years of feeling like crap about yourself or as if you were somehow a burden or insignificant.

 

Your feelings matter because YOU feel them. And if someone really cares about you then your feelings will be important to him as well. If they aren't then you need to move on I don't care what his resume looks like. Please do not ever do this to yourself again.

thank you for the thought out responses

 

it hasn't been easy and its been hard to stop blaming myself but it seems as though there are others who believe these little actions or little things said show alot and my feelings and reactions were justified.

 

kind of a hard time being as though its easter and a family occassion..would usually be seeing him as well...not really in a good mood and its hard for me not to blame myself but from people's responses, you guys seem to agree he was a dirt b*g in alot of ways

He is passive-aggressive! Heknew very well how he made you feel. I have a husband who is P/A. He aso didn't compliment my looks, he'd say to people "I am eating dinner with my kids" and NOT mention me - every time. The kids are actually mine from a previous marriage, but he adores them as his own. We've been married for three years and are currently separated. He did much more, but the grounds and the feelings you describe are the same.

 

There were other factors as well that made me insecure and i could name more words said or little things done ..but keep in mind he also had good qualities as well which made me very torn of whether i was wrong for feeling this way. Now i look back and wish i had let some things go because I think we would still be together. I miss dearly.

 

i am thinking maybe due to thinkgs like this i reacted badly to anything that was a little off, anything that made me slightly insecure, but i still feel like things are my fault and i should have done a lot of things differently. .. i am blaming myself constantly because i hate we are not together and he could be with someone else by now. It hurts alot

I too feel like this TOTALLY! This is how P/A people make you feel. They erode your self-esteem systematically, making you look bad while they remain clean. They'll never insult you flat out by calling you names or doing something horrible, they'll just trigger the anger in you, poke your self-esteem, and leave you enough rope to hang yourself. Then you end up blaming yourself. It's precisely the small things that show the big things (his disrespect for you), but you feel like an idiot for sweating it. You feel small cuz you can't be above that trivial crap. You were probably even accused of creating unnecessary drama, focusing on the wrong things instead of the big picture. He likely drove you nuts and yet avoided conflict by evading a constructive conversation. The problems were in your head - you manufactured them. Let me guess: you often thought of him as incompassionate and insensitive because he would disregard your feelings.

 

You're wron about one thing thnough: he is NOT confident. He is very insecure. he is emotionally crippled. Psychiatrists say that the only cure for these people is therapy, but they have to want to change. So, basically there is no cure.

 

You're better off without him. I know you love him. I love mine, too and I am in it deeper than you because of many factors. Try to move on. You don't need someone who made you feel bad about yourself. Who left whom? If you want him back, then you'll either have to find a way to discuss things with him or just not pay attention to his crap.

 

You could get under his skin by being super-sweet to him. Beneath the layers of arrogance, P/A people yearn for acceptance and validation. But whenyou try to be sweet, they push you away. It's like you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. Their mind is wired in a way that hurting you gives them a sense of control. They pretend NOT to care, but on the other hand, they're controlling in sneaky ways.

 

P.S.

Making you feel like you're a freaking BURDEN in his life.

My husband LITERALLY told me "You're nothing but a hindrance for me because I have to support you and I want you out of my life."

 

that is exactly how i feel even though i am blaming myself..i know the things i listed are not the end of the world and they arent physical abuse or cheating etc and he did have good qualities and i know i wasn't perfect but i think i showed more devotion and can honestly say i dont think i ever made him look bad or point out shortcomings...even after awhile when these little things happened and i was able to think about it--i still felt the same for the most part so i felt like i wasn't overreacting....i felt like those little things said and done showed alot...there are a few more things i can list that just made me feel angry, sad...but at the same time i would question, oh am i being unreasonable, am i wrong etc

 

and now i just spend a lot of time blaming myself like i shouldnt have felt that way or this way or reacted..record producer---you said it exactly right...i kind of felt like i shouldnt be responding to these "trivial" things b/c he would still be here if i didn't. I just feel this guilt and regret but I guess what everyone is saying is that I shouldn't because those little things do add up and mean something?

 

my friend said you aren't made of stone..after awhile a little thing done here or said there..its like you are taking a slight jab in the face each time and its going to bring you down..

i shouldnt be responding to these "trivial" things b/c he would still be here if i didn't.

But you were responding! What you're talking about pretending not to be hurt by his "little" stabs. Let me tell you, these things that show disrespect and nonchalant hostility aren't little. They are just the tip of the iceberg. You haven't been married to him. The underlying concept of the P/A man is to show you that he doesn't care about you, he doesn't consider you as equal or even a human being, and that you're not good enough. Thta's his natural shape and no matter how you turn him around, squeeze him, stretch him or poke him, he will always acquire his natural shape eventually. Because this is who he is on the inside. Did he have a strict mother? So, I guess HE dumped YOU, right?

hey record producer,

 

yes, i was responding..but at times I think i was made to think I am making too big of an issue out of this or this and overreacting...and of course how i was feeling probably did make me lash out at anything at times that made me feel insecure etc..it was hard

 

he did not have a strict mother..she was very nice and i enjoyed being around her alot but he also did come from an "old school" background where roles were identified--a woman does the cooking and the cleaning and men do the manly things like taking out the trash or fixing a car etc..i actually can understand these roles if the woman is not working but that is not happening often in today's world...so i think his chauvinst attitude did come out at times...its not like we didn't cook together or things like that but i think ultimately he was used to this background he came from...like for example one time he laughed or made a comment when watching a women's professional sport..it might have been golf i am not even sure exactly...but i remember it made me very angry inside because i felt like it was done on purpose to show women can't do this or this as good as men...and yes most men are stronger and their sports in my opinion are alot more popular but to have it pointed out----it was like almost to make me mad or something or push my buttons...atleast in my opinion thats how i felt...i just felt it wasn't necessary..i never rubbed my college degree in his face and said why didn't you do this or guess what i will be making in 10 years

 

but despite this because i dont want to get on the topic of chauvinism.....he did have good qualities and was sweet in different ways and there were alot of things about him i did like which made me second guess alot of these things and it makes me sit here and miss him and blame myself.

 

but it seems as though i am getting alot of positive support saying he isn't that great despite any good qualities he may have had due to him putting me down i guess in subtle ways and making me feel like im a hassle at times....these little things i mentioned i would think most people would notice if they are paying attention correct and sometimes i thought the little things kind of stick out the most...

Passive -aggressive people are not only charming and sweet, but they MAKE SURE they come out as charming and super-sweet. They thrive on strangers' validation while they stab the ones they love, when no one is around. Thye feel guilty too, because they see themselves on the inside and know their motives, but can't explain them. Just like you know that you lashed out and weren't perfect. But they find excuses for that in your bad behavior and don't see it as a big thing. Yes, they push buttons. Do you have a feeling that, as soon as he discovered that something bothered you, he kinda used the information to do it ovr and over again just to piss you off?

kind of a bad day today..just feel really sad without him....he had good qualities too and wasn't overall a bad guy...and i have been on dates with other guys trying to move on but it makes me miss him more and want him more.....

 

but i guess i really shouldn't be blaming myself? he could have been nicer to me in those little ways?

 

:*(

such a hard day today..maybe due to the nice weather...

its weird because i feel like my life is not as good without him...i do keep busy but basically i am just going through the motions...i miss him dearly but i guess i shouldn't?

i was crying about him today...its just really hard without him but i guess from the responses i got, he wasn't as nice as he could have been i guess..

bump......

why the bump? if you are looking for someone to validate your point of view, then congratulations: it never would have worked out with him, he saw your relationship as purely transient, and was willing to stay with you for as long as you kept putting forth the effort, but was not willing to be held accountable for his actions. so yeah, he was/is a tool. that said, you are not going to feel any better looking for pity on internet forums. you should probably go out and find someone who actually likes you and respects you, if you feel you need to be in a relationship. ****, you could call up one of the nice-guys you have on friend-zone. i'm sure they would be thrilled to drown you in compliments. sorry if that was brusque, but the magic lost today and it's thrown my mojo all out of whack. it took me two years and gallons upon gallons of whiskey to get over my ex, and it will be a while before the biochemical pathways of attachment wear off for you. in the meanwhile, don't be like me. it's a beautiful night out.

hey spiracles

 

thanks for the response...definitely have been seeing friends, working out etc etc...but for the most part this is still on my mind alot of the times and i feel bad about it

if you feel you need to be in a relationship. ****, you could call up one of the nice-guys you have on friend-zone. i'm sure they would be thrilled to drown you in compliments.

 

Wouldn't work. No chemistry = friend zone. Isolde started a thread on this topic and the overwhelming majority of women said they needed chemistry.

but for the most part this is still on my mind alot of the times and i feel bad about it

 

don't worry about it, you'll feel better. just takes a little while. in the meantime, you should do the things that make you happy - you were happy before you met this guy after all. who knows how many days we have left, and life isn't long enough to waste. wishing you all the best.

 

Wouldn't work. No chemistry = friend zone. Isolde started a thread on this topic and the overwhelming majority of women said they needed chemistry.

 

i'm not suggesting she go LTR with them, just use them to amp up her confidence a bit then ditch them for someone desirable. they will lavish her with attention solely for the hope of seeing it reciprocated. and i imagine it's an ego boost to have someone telling you how wonderful you are. besides, even if they figure out they were being used, they would probably consult an internet forum to tell them what to do about it. luckily, by the time they man up, their job will already be done. i see no fail in this plan. ... unless she just has an ***-ugly friend-zone, of course.

hey spiracles,

 

i'm not interested in doing that..i don't need a random guy's attention that is only a short term interest or from a friend that is just a friend

 

i just kind of blame myself although most have told me by seeing the things i listed, he could have been a lot nicer and more respectful to me...

i'm not suggesting she go LTR with them, just use them to amp up her confidence a bit then ditch them for someone desirable. they will lavish her with attention solely for the hope of seeing it reciprocated. and i imagine it's an ego boost to have someone telling you how wonderful you are. besides, even if they figure out they were being used, they would probably consult an internet forum to tell them what to do about it. luckily, by the time they man up, their job will already be done. i see no fail in this plan. ... unless she just has an ***-ugly friend-zone, of course.

 

So you're asking her to get a doormat to make her feel better

So you're asking her to get a doormat to make her feel better

 

exactly, a doormat is a doormat. you don't thank a doormat, you just wipe your feet on it before you get to where you really want to go. and i wasn't asking her to do anything, it was just a suggestino. but she already stated she isn't interested in taking my (brilliant) advice, and i'm sure she will be just fine.

well back to the original thread lol....yeah its just been hard, b/c i just feel like i should have done this or this differently but alot of people who i spoke with about little things he did or said--they have said they would have felt the same and reacted the same in those situations