Nuala83 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I cannot believe this has happened but he called me today out of the blue after us not having spoken for roughly a month. I asked him what he wanted and I said “James I told you I don’t want us to be friends” and he paused and said “neither do I”. He said “I want to meet up with you, I want to talk things through, can we meet up?” I told him if he had anything to say to me he could say it over the phone and he started going on about he wanted us to try and work things out. The conversation was long and I won’t go into every detail but he didn’t apologise for what he did. I told him how much he hurt me but he kept trying to justify every single hurtful action! I told him how hurt I was when he posted pics of him and another girl and he said he was sorry about that but it didn’t mean anything…It meant something to me though! He told me that he never planned for the breakup to be permanent but he’d never told me that. I reminded him of how he told me he didn’t want ‘just a break’ in case he had a one night stand and felt guilty about it. I reminded him of a lot of things. And you know what? He got angry! That’s right, he got angry with me! He was pissed off that I didn’t want to meet him and he kept saying “I’m trying to fix things but you won’t let me”. He was getting really aggressive and trying to justify what he did…..I can hardly believe this. He told me he’d always assumed we’d get back together but that he wanted time and space to himself to go out and have fun, but now he was missing me because he didn’t know what was going on in my life (I went strict NC). I cannot even begin to describe how angry I was at that time. I told him I didn’t want to speak to him and after the 6 months of hell I’ve been though, I really meant it. This is the same guy I loved for 7 years, who was my best friend for 9, who dumped me and went chasing after some bit of fluff (who by the way it didn’t seem to work out with but he still won’t admit anything happened with her). The same guy who bragged about how happy he was to be single not just over the internet but to my face! But do you know what hurts the most. It’s that I didn’t get the apology I so desperately wanted. I wanted genuine expression of remorse and regret and it did not come across as that at all. Not only that but I wanted the truth and I just know that I’m not getting it. The sad thing is, I might have been able to forgive him had he not made me wait so long or had he said he was truly sorry and willing to make it up to me. Didn’t happen though. Probably never will. But on the plus side, I’m feeling pretty strong, angry but strong. I don’t want to settle for less than I’m worth.
huck Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Hey Nuala. Wot you gonna do then ?? Think your last sentence sums it up - I don’t want to settle for less than I’m worth. Your holding the cards now.. Huck...
Author Nuala83 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 What am I gonna do? I'm gonna do absolutely nothing!
Excellent Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 But do you know what hurts the most. It’s that I didn’t get the apology I so desperately wanted. I wanted genuine expression of remorse and regret and it did not come across as that at all. Join the club! My relationship only lasted 2-3 months, and it's now well over 8 months since the break. She has already managed do go through one relationship and is working on her second after me right now. Two weeks ago we had a huge fight. I really don't know what she was after, but it seems to me she wanted me to feel guilty because i sent her an e-mail in May, giving myself closure because i said to her that i didn't want to be involved in her life anymore. She tried to turn everything against me, putting all the blame for everything on me, and giving her the clear. Wich she did not get this time. Since then...total icefront at work, hah! Don't you just love selfishness.
boogieboy Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Arent you the one who basically told this board to "Go F*ck yourself"? That "Getting advice in this way is futile because it's completely one sided"? That its "Time to say GOODBYE to this forum.....the site (for me anyways) it's more of a hinderance than a help."? That you "DETEST people who are ruled by their emotions and become overly sentimental about the slightest thing. Can't believe I almost joined the ranks." That this board is a boat of dumped souls? And here youve been for the past month. I guess youre lucky people on this board are very forgiving, and are still willing to let you rant and give advice when you want to. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2248222#post2248222
Author Nuala83 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 You're right I did. I was angry, bitter and unwilling to listen to the advice I was being given. But finally I took it....and I'm glad I did.
hoping2heal Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I cannot believe this has happened but he called me today out of the blue after us not having spoken for roughly a month. I asked him what he wanted and I said “James I told you I don’t want us to be friends” and he paused and said “neither do I”. He said “I want to meet up with you, I want to talk things through, can we meet up?” I told him if he had anything to say to me he could say it over the phone and he started going on about he wanted us to try and work things out. The conversation was long and I won’t go into every detail but he didn’t apologise for what he did. I told him how much he hurt me but he kept trying to justify every single hurtful action! I told him how hurt I was when he posted pics of him and another girl and he said he was sorry about that but it didn’t mean anything…It meant something to me though! He told me that he never planned for the breakup to be permanent but he’d never told me that. I reminded him of how he told me he didn’t want ‘just a break’ in case he had a one night stand and felt guilty about it. I reminded him of a lot of things. And you know what? He got angry! That’s right, he got angry with me! He was pissed off that I didn’t want to meet him and he kept saying “I’m trying to fix things but you won’t let me”. He was getting really aggressive and trying to justify what he did…..I can hardly believe this. He told me he’d always assumed we’d get back together but that he wanted time and space to himself to go out and have fun, but now he was missing me because he didn’t know what was going on in my life (I went strict NC). I cannot even begin to describe how angry I was at that time. I told him I didn’t want to speak to him and after the 6 months of hell I’ve been though, I really meant it. This is the same guy I loved for 7 years, who was my best friend for 9, who dumped me and went chasing after some bit of fluff (who by the way it didn’t seem to work out with but he still won’t admit anything happened with her). The same guy who bragged about how happy he was to be single not just over the internet but to my face! But do you know what hurts the most. It’s that I didn’t get the apology I so desperately wanted. I wanted genuine expression of remorse and regret and it did not come across as that at all. Not only that but I wanted the truth and I just know that I’m not getting it. The sad thing is, I might have been able to forgive him had he not made me wait so long or had he said he was truly sorry and willing to make it up to me. Didn’t happen though. Probably never will. But on the plus side, I’m feeling pretty strong, angry but strong. I don’t want to settle for less than I’m worth. I really love what you shared here. As I have told many who try and use NC to get their ex back; it plays on common human behavior; YES they may come back but that DOESN'T mean they are sincere about remorse or having changed their ways. This story is a good example of that, 7 years WOW- good for you for knowing your worth and sticking to it.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 Emm...I didn't tell the board to go **** themselves but I did rant on about how it wasn't helping me (ie people weren't telling me what I wanted to hear). I said a lot of nasty things when I got angry not realising people were trying to help. But please bear in mind that at the same time I've been trying to get over my ex dumping me I've been trying to deal with the aftermath of my father commiting suicide so I'm carrying around a tremendous amount of anger and grief. Not trying to justify, just trying to explain.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 13, 2009 Author Posted August 13, 2009 I really love what you shared here. As I have told many who try and use NC to get their ex back; it plays on common human behavior; YES they may come back but that DOESN'T mean they are sincere about remorse or having changed their ways. This story is a good example of that, 7 years WOW- good for you for knowing your worth and sticking to it. It came as quite a shock. I wish there was a heart symbol on my keyboard cos if there was I'd be typing I (heart) NC.
gypsi Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 wow im sticking to no contact! you have no idea how much i wish i was in your situation. Good luck with whatever choice you take x
boogieboy Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 Well its a story that rarely happens nonetheless.... So since he wants you back, but you didnt get the apology, do you feel like you have some power back, or did this set you back at all?
Author Nuala83 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 I don't know about power but I did feel a sense of pride in saying no to him. When I spent 4 months settling for any crumb of affection he threw my way I felt terrible about myself. I mean really bad, I hated the kind of girl I'd become. But after not speaking to him even though it was only a month I began to realise I could live without him. I began to realise a lot of things. I don't think it's set me back. It was terribly sad to hear him tell me he'd been looking over all the old letters we used to send. But I have to look out for myself y'know?
hopesndreams Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 Wow, just Wow! I admire you. Unless he shows remorse, true remorse there is no taking him back, and to hear you have moved on and not settling for the crumbs, is excellent.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Posted August 14, 2009 Actually it's just occured to me that perhaps he doesn't really want me back, he just doesn't like not knowing what's going on in my life. Or perhaps the other girl wasn't all he thought she was...or maybe she didn't want him and he's running back to his good old reliable ex. He tried calling a few times today but I didn't pick up. I really don't want to speak to him at this time.
boogieboy Posted August 14, 2009 Posted August 14, 2009 I don't know about power but I did feel a sense of pride in saying no to him. When I spent 4 months settling for any crumb of affection he threw my way I felt terrible about myself. I mean really bad, I hated the kind of girl I'd become. But after not speaking to him even though it was only a month I began to realise I could live without him. I began to realise a lot of things. I don't think it's set me back. It was terribly sad to hear him tell me he'd been looking over all the old letters we used to send. But I have to look out for myself y'know? You actually answered both my questions. After a month, you dont want to talk to him, so you got your power back (in addition to your pride) and you realized after a month that you could live without him, so him showing up didnt set you back. I applaud you.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Posted August 16, 2009 Update: I just recieved an email from him today saying he was sorry for everything and he really can't have been in his right mind to have done the things he did. Hah! Stating the obvious there I think.
wanjirum Posted August 16, 2009 Posted August 16, 2009 Hey Nuala, I am not sure you remember the last thread in which you gave me advice. I am happy to see that your NC not only helped you heal but moreover helped you let go with no regrets. However I have a question for you? I know I should probably cheer you on for ignoring him. However in all sincerity after 9 years of a friendship and 7 within a relationship; are you willing to let that go to the dogs? I know he made a mistake but don't you at least owe it to the integrity of the relationship to at least listen to what he has to say. I do concur you should play hard to get, but at what point is playing hard to get more like a hindrance. Everyone is human and makes mistakes. Perhaps once you meet up with him it will help with the closure and ensure that there is never a doubt in the future and you can walk away happily. Furthermore at times the dumper never knows the real pain they put you through. This is just my opinion and I am not imposing it or saying it is the right thing to do, before I get an angry backlash from everyone on the forum. Hope it works out for you . whatever you decide. *
Author Nuala83 Posted August 17, 2009 Author Posted August 17, 2009 Hi Wanjirum, That's excellent advice and I'd hate for you to get any sort of angry backlash from those who disagree with you. The problem is, we had a long long talk on the phone on the day he called me and I listened to everything he had to say but sadly he didn't give me the sort of apology I was after. To be more specific he kept trying to justify his bad actions. An example would be "yeah I know I hurt you but had to do what I did to get my head together" and "I know I shouldn't have been with that girl but it meant nothing and it's not worth throwing away a 7 year relationship, at least not to me". You see that's where the problem lies. I tell him how much he hurt me but he can't understand because it didn't happen to him. Does that make sense? I really don't wanna throw away such a long friendship either but when I think back to all the cruel things he said to me and the way he flaunted this new girl in front of everyone, it just makes me ache and I can't bear to see him. It's a very sad outcome but I can't see any way round it.
wanjirum Posted August 17, 2009 Posted August 17, 2009 Hi Nuala, As weird as this may sound, I am usually a wholehearted optimist as you can see by my threads. But our situations are very similar. However I have to say I learnt the NC rule too late, after I begged and did all the things one is not supposed to do. However I understand that the dumper at times never comprehends or at least sit down and try to understand the grief they put you through. I was at the point where I missed my university exams and deadlines and was borderline going through a deep depression and seeking alcohol as my only escape. And I contemplate that yes I would perhaps consider giving as a second chance, but too much time has passed and I could never trust him with my heart again. And to make matters worse he has also been flaunting his ew 'girlfriend' around everyone we know. But then the question comes to mind, do I ever think that at my age (25) I could find someone for was my better half and in a lot of ways complimentary to me. Find someone who I could build that bond with and also from my home country, within which it is difficult enough to find a man you would ever think of being in a relationship with. I am soooo confused and I should go home in a few weeks, a part of me is angry a part of me would like to see him and forgive and play make believe and another part of me is tired. I agree that only when the dumper can fully understand and empathetise with how much they hurt you is there hope for true reconciliation. So I would agree with you, sit it out and let him think about it for a while. And if he stops trying then he wasn't really honestly looking for true reconciliation. Just make sure he know you aren't interested in excuses nor explanations just an honest apology. Hope it all works out in the end, whether you end up together or you get out of this a much stronger person. At the end life is about lessons and people are brought into your life for seasons with a reason. And when they walk out perhaps the season has changed, but we are so caught up still looking for summer when the autumn leaves have begun to fall. But in closing, everyone is human and the successful relationships are not rated by the good times but by how they work through the harder times *Good luck.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Posted August 19, 2009 Some more contact today. An email saying how he's in pain and he doesn't feel good about what he's done. It just made me angry. I know he's not telling me the whole truth about what's went on in the past 6 months and every time I think about those pictures of him and her and his stupid smug face I just think you have no idea what pain is. I'm feeling increasingly angry at times now. Part of me's angry at myself because of all the begging and pleading and all the tears I shed for months. I did that for 4 months and then the moment I stopped he came sniffing around again. It's like some sick game. I don't wanna play games. I'm not a teenager anymore. I don't even know if he wants me back or if it's just some ego thing for him. Ugghh I don't feel very good about myself at the moment, I think I'm experiencing a little setback. On the plus side I hate him so much right now that not calling is incredibly easy. The desire to hear his voice is completely gone. I don't want to spend my days feeling angry though. I could forgive him if I felt sure he was truly remorseful for his actions but that's the problem. Because he's broken the trust, I can't believe a word he says. Maybe he is truly sorry but every time he says it I just think LIAR. Therein lies the problem.
selena_cat Posted August 19, 2009 Posted August 19, 2009 I don't know about power but I did feel a sense of pride in saying no to him. When I spent 4 months settling for any crumb of affection he threw my way I felt terrible about myself. I mean really bad, I hated the kind of girl I'd become. But after not speaking to him even though it was only a month I began to realise I could live without him. I began to realise a lot of things. I don't think it's set me back. It was terribly sad to hear him tell me he'd been looking over all the old letters we used to send. But I have to look out for myself y'know? hey Nuala,thnks for Posting now that i know the situation,i highlighted something that caught my attention,and i realized i've been doing this,waiting for the crumb for,'embarrassingly,much longer than 4 months,try 4x4x4x4x4x4!! or 4 to the Nth degree however one says it anyway,i know truly NC is the way to go but i've tried it and did resume contactwhich never gotten anywhere anyway, I realize how important it is to not be available to someone whose completely unavailable,i want to be in that similar stage you've gotten to of not giving a rats A$$$$,especially if he ever threw the i want to really be you again crumb which will happen when i'll be elected as the next President of the United States. Good job to you, i believe in second chance but not to someone who doesnt deserve it. PS dont be a stranger.
wanjirum Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 Irony is I am currently going through a new wave of emotions with the daunting reality of soon going home. And I am getting angry and do not want to see him. And reading your posts is helping, perhaps I might never be in your shoes and he may or never come back. But I get angry when I think about the countless nights and days I spent worrying and spying and crying and all the *iyng(s) I can think of. But I am happy to say I think I am getting to a place I don't want him to come back. It is not that I am angry but it is a deeper resentment, of how he treated me and let something that was so important and so deep fade away so easily in his life. And despite putting my heart on an open platter I was still hurt. Such that right now, I am at a happier state of mind. Think about it this way Nuala he was never worth those tears, he is definitely not worth your anger. Anger is such a strong emotion that takes so much energy and drains us. If he really wants you he will proove it, I am an optimist and believe in second chances, but if he truly knows you a phone call is a small gesture for his to try and reconcile your differences. Be strong and if it helps divert his calls to voice mail and try to go back to your old routine. For the first time I finally understand where Caliguy was coming from. If he wants you, he know what he should do and how to get a hold of you. He owes you more than just a few phone calls with a tainted apology. After all the pain and embarrassment. He should know better !!! I need some advice from you, it is his mum's birthday in two weeks. She was always nice and we never spoke that frequently, but when we did she was pretty nice and on my birthday she sent me a card and was very sweet. I am thinking of sending her a text wishing her a happy birthday. But I don't want him to think I am doing it because I am trying to get back with him. Furthermore I am not sure what he told her about me after the break up, he might have made me sound like such a terrible gf because of all our fights. What do you think I should do ??? To text or not to text ????
gd26 Posted August 20, 2009 Posted August 20, 2009 I need some advice from you, it is his mum's birthday in two weeks. She was always nice and we never spoke that frequently, but when we did she was pretty nice and on my birthday she sent me a card and was very sweet. I am thinking of sending her a text wishing her a happy birthday. But I don't want him to think I am doing it because I am trying to get back with him. Furthermore I am not sure what he told her about me after the break up, he might have made me sound like such a terrible gf because of all our fights. What do you think I should do ??? To text or not to text ???? Personally, I would send his mother a nice note - especially if she did nice things for you on your birthday previously. You can simply mention that although you and her son are no longer together, you appreciate all the kindness she has shown to you. You don't need to contact her in subsequent years if you and your ex aren't together - but I'd contact her this one last time for her birthday. She didn't do anything wrong. Stay NC with your ex though.
Author Nuala83 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 I don't see anything wrong with a text or even a card if you wanted to. Although I'm sure given the circumstances that it wouldn't be rude of you not to send anything, after all you and her son are broken up so I don't think she would take offence. He may have badmouthed you to her I s'pose but you're never really gonna know are you. I think a text sounds ok.
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