Author lovehurting Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 i wont leave my daughter never never never i will be in her life as long as i am alive. We are a asian family and in our family no one has ever divorced or separated. My dad is one of the worst he abused my mother so much mentally and physically but she still is with him. I dont understand how could they live together a miserable life My wifes friends call her for counselling she counsells all her friends about relationship and in our house it is broken i dont how i can tell her that. It is not that i dont love her i do love her, but i dont have that intimacy and connection. I keep on going after OW time after time. I know time is a healer. I hope for the best. OK...some friendly advice from a therapist and former AP. Will your kids live with you out of their life...sure. However, I cannot tell you how many adolescents I see in my practice that are struggling with abandonment issues because their fathers left the family. You are modeling relationship behavior for your children. There will be effects for them...don't fool yourself. This doesn't mean you should stay married, but I hope you can find a way to be in their life. You do have problems maintaining relationships. You are on your second affair only five years into marriage. No need to be in denial, it's easy to see that this is an issue. I'm just saying, your OW may seems like the best thing ever, but unless you work on some of your stuff, then you will end up cheating on her. If you no longer have any intimacy with your wife and neither of you want to...then get some MC or split up. Because right now you are on a road of destruction my friend...trust me on that one. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 when it comes to children this is how i look at it , imagine i am dead, my kids will still live and life will still continue. No, that lets you off too easily, and understates the impact of your departure from the family. If you must look at it that way, try imagining that before you died, your children understand that you are taking your life by choice to separate from the family. Now think about how they will live and adjust and adapt. I will see a therapist, also the previous OW left after i told them i was married so i dont have a problem maintaining relationships. I think you really should examine that with your therapist when you get one... It is not that i dont love her i do love her, but i dont have that intimacy and connection. I keep on going after OW time after time. You don't think that reflects a "problem in maintaining a relationship?" My dad is one of the worst he abused my mother so much mentally and physically but she still is with him. I dont understand how could they live together a miserable life This is something about your own relationship role models that you should also explore with your therapist. I know time is a healer. I hope for the best. Too passive. Neither time alone, nor hope, will be enough to heal you and allow your wife to heal from what is coming, unless you put some active, hard work into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 My dad is one of the worst he abused my mother so much mentally and physically but she still is with him. I dont understand how could they live together a miserable life . I can feel your pain. Got to tell you my therapist radar just perked up when I read what you wrote above. Children of abuse (witnessing it between your mom and dad is also abuse) often have issues into adulthood with their ability to have an intimate relationship. This would be a good thing to explore in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurting Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 what kind of active hard work are you talking about here ? it will really help me if you can be detailed No, that lets you off too easily, and understates the impact of your departure from the family. If you must look at it that way, try imagining that before you died, your children understand that you are taking your life by choice to separate from the family. Now think about how they will live and adjust and adapt. I think you really should examine that with your therapist when you get one... You don't think that reflects a "problem in maintaining a relationship?" This is something about your own relationship role models that you should also explore with your therapist. Too passive. Neither time alone, nor hope, will be enough to heal you and allow your wife to heal from what is coming, unless you put some active, hard work into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurting Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 how will a therapist help me if i dont have any interest in my wife I can feel your pain. Got to tell you my therapist radar just perked up when I read what you wrote above. Children of abuse (witnessing it between your mom and dad is also abuse) often have issues into adulthood with their ability to have an intimate relationship. This would be a good thing to explore in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 how will a therapist help me if i dont have any interest in my wife Among other things, healing yourself so you don't continue to screw up future relationships, repeat harmful behavioral patterns that have brought you to this point, and also so that you can become a more healthy and stable role model to your own kids. what kind of active hard work are you talking about here ? it will really help me if you can be detailed Examining yourself, your life, your choices, and working to bring them in line with your visions of the person you want to be, the relationship partner you want to be, and the father you want to be. I can't give you a specific list of "things to do" - that's the kind of thing that you work on in therapy. The "active, hard" aspect comes from being truly honest with yourself and open with your therapist. It may not be easy (say discussing what you saw happen between your parents, how you felt about it then, and how it may be affecting you now...) but I found it worthwhile. Different people have very different opinions on the subject of therapy, but it helped me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurting Posted August 12, 2009 Author Share Posted August 12, 2009 did you also go through a D Among other things, healing yourself so you don't continue to screw up future relationships, repeat harmful behavioral patterns that have brought you to this point, and also so that you can become a more healthy and stable role model to your own kids. Examining yourself, your life, your choices, and working to bring them in line with your visions of the person you want to be, the relationship partner you want to be, and the father you want to be. I can't give you a specific list of "things to do" - that's the kind of thing that you work on in therapy. The "active, hard" aspect comes from being truly honest with yourself and open with your therapist. It may not be easy (say discussing what you saw happen between your parents, how you felt about it then, and how it may be affecting you now...) but I found it worthwhile. Different people have very different opinions on the subject of therapy, but it helped me a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
babydreamer Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 I think you are right . i had an affair before and i broke up with the other OW because i was scared. I have this same pattern happening again this time. that shows that i need to D my wife. she has never cheated on me . Do i need to see a counsellor or something Why were you scared and not get a D at that time? Do you love your now OW more than your exOW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurting Posted August 17, 2009 Author Share Posted August 17, 2009 yes i do love the present OW Why were you scared and not get a D at that time? Do you love your now OW more than your exOW? Link to post Share on other sites
babydreamer Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Are you thinking of getting a divorce because of the OW or because you cannot see yourself in the marriage any longer? If you love your OW, have you talk to her about you thinking of a D? Just wondering if you tried everything to make your marriage work? I suggest you go NC with your OW. Try to work on your marriage without the OW. If there is nothing, then get a divorce. Find your own happiness and set your wife to find her own happiness. Life is too short. Keep us posted on your situation and your decision Link to post Share on other sites
summer1117 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 i would tell your wife!!!! i have caught my h in sooo many lies...he flirts with other girls and other things i have caught but he wont be honest!!! i wish hed just tell me if he wants a d not drag it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovehurting Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 looks like my wife thinks the same way as you. i would tell your wife!!!! i have caught my h in sooo many lies...he flirts with other girls and other things i have caught but he wont be honest!!! i wish hed just tell me if he wants a d not drag it out. Link to post Share on other sites
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