angie2443 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 sorry for the OT... just updating my situation... might have to start my own thread soon... I'm going a bit crazy! I think this would be a good idea since it seems like you have more information about your situation now. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 And I know that the lack of sex drive could be blamed on the ADs, but she would never discuss it or even try and change medications... A common side-effect of many SSRIs is that they can play havoc with one's sex drive. But I can understand her hesitation to change meds. Sometimes it can take ages to find one med, or a combination of meds, that works. I was lucky and my doc prescribed the right type and the right amount for me first time out (long time ago, I've been off them for years). But many, many people have to go through a number of combinations and permutations to find a solution that does the job. But I'm in danger of hijacking the thread here... Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Maybe I did say this in my other thread a while ago, but she suffers from anxiety. Sh's been on AD for years and she always insisted that she was not depressed. And now she drops this bombshell! And I know that the lack of sex drive could be blamed on the ADs, but she would never discuss it or even try and change medications... sorry for the OT... just updating my situation... might have to start my own thread soon... I'm going a bit crazy! There you have it, Giotto. You just got down to the bottom of it. Antidepressants. And she refuses to find some other way to deal with her anxiety? You know, I don't want to sound like I'm going off on a tangent here... but what is the root cause of this anxiety? Did you know that some people have chronic anxiety disorders due to things such as food allergies? It would be a shame if all of this was something that could have been easily rectified. Giotto, maybe you need to go and speak to her doctor... yourself... and explain how the medication they have prescribed is affecting a marriage.. and lives... Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I don't know if it's been brought up before, but I think a dynamic at work here is one where the husband is looking for ways to "spark" the wife. He may get advice to do things for the wife: wine, dine, romance, etc. Or, if he gets told that she's too tired, he'll try to take at least some of the load off of her so that she's no longer so tired. She percieves that he's just doing it to get laid (which he may well be), so the rejection continues. The frustration mounts in the husband, who says to himself "the hell with it, why should I even bother anymore?" Should the husband do things out of love and a sense of responsibility rather than a desire to get laid? Yes. Should the wife recognize the fact that the primary way she can show her husband love is through sexual intimacy? Yes. But all too often, that realization for one or both never comes. Very well said and good summary ! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I also think that in a lot of cases.. the woman simply falls out of love with her partner.. she still likes him a lot (like a best friend) . Is she going to tell him? of course not.. she wants to live a sexless life with him because she live a comfortable lilfe.. with her family, kids, etc.. but 'hate' sex ... (or is simply too lazy cause it's got into a pattern of once or twice a month and that suits her)... Is she going to give up everything? of course not.. She will find a zillion excuses to get by.. headache, tired, not enough help from him... finance stress... anything.. you name it... But she will NEVER SAY THE REAL REASON: she just doesn't love him anymore.. (or just like a 'friend').. she would choose to live as rooomate anytime.. I know.. btdt.. with my first ex.. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 If I manage to extract anything from her, we might re-discuss the situation... She doesn't seem inclined to have a talk at the moment. I tried yesterday, but she only said she was depressed (first time she tells me this!) and wouldn't elaborate any further... We might have to divorce after all. This yhing of staying together for the kids isn't working. Not that we hate each other, but it's extremely dull for both of us. I believe we need a clean slate... I think couples eventually get to an impasse in the relationship... the needs are indeed different and can only be resolved by communicating. But it's often too late... sorry for being so jolly... If she really is depressed than that will kill sex drive for certain. Encourage her to seek professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
cornelius Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 ...sorry for the OT... just updating my situation... might have to start my own thread soon... I'm going a bit crazy! giotto, please start your own thread soon. I'm in the same boat as you! Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 - Is it just me or is there 6 pages here of the group going back & forth & the original poster........NO WHERE TO BE FOUND? Gonna have to guess he really couldn't care less about anyone's opinion as to why he doesn't get laid! Hmm! But good convo between the group!! Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Maybe he's busy getting some? We can hope... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Maybe he's busy getting some? We can hope... Or got busy with the neighbour.. Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 He hasn't posted on his other thread since the first page either...........Curious don'tcha think? Oh well - Maybe he DID get him a lil' sum sum & now he doesn't have anything else to complain about! And, No I'm not the LS police---LOL - I just find it interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I also think that in a lot of cases.. the woman simply falls out of love with her partner.. she still likes him a lot (like a best friend) . etc... But she will NEVER SAY THE REAL REASON: she just doesn't love him anymore.. (or just like a 'friend').. she would choose to live as rooomate anytime.. I know.. btdt.. with my first ex.. Interesting insight Lizzie, if you'd care to elaborate, I'd like to hear why you think a woman will never say the real reason? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
pollswolls Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Cuz if there's not another man in the mix....she doesn't wanna hurt his feelings?? I can SOOO see this happening. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Interesting insight Lizzie, if you'd care to elaborate, I'd like to hear why you think a woman will never say the real reason? Thanks My story: I was 18 years with my first ex.. 11 years as the OW prior to that.. so a total of 29 years with him... After 12 years of living with him.. I totally fell out of love... I loved him as a friend, a brother.. but NOT a lover.. having sex with him was a huge sacrifice.. I had absolutely noooo sexual desire for this man.. as much as I had before.. it was ALL gone now... I didn't want to leave or to cheat.. I just didn't want sex.. period. I even told him he could get a mistress. he was insulted.. I just couldn't tell him that I didn't love him.. cause it wasn't totally true... I just had no sexual feeling.. I wasn't in love with him anymore.. but I loved him ... We constantly fought about sex.. every single week.. we had arguments about sex.. it was frustrating for him.. I could understand.. and it was frustrating for me.. because I felt it was a chore.. So to answer your question... I think that in some cases, the woman will not tell her husband that she no longer loves him... When I told him.. I was checking for an apartment.. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 My story: I was 18 years with my first ex.. 11 years as the OW prior to that.. so a total of 29 years with him... After 12 years of living with him.. I totally fell out of love... I loved him as a friend, a brother.. but NOT a lover.. having sex with him was a huge sacrifice.. I had absolutely noooo sexual desire for this man.. as much as I had before.. it was ALL gone now... I didn't want to leave or to cheat.. I just didn't want sex.. period. I even told him he could get a mistress. he was insulted.. I just couldn't tell him that I didn't love him.. cause it wasn't totally true... I just had no sexual feeling.. I wasn't in love with him anymore.. but I loved him ... We constantly fought about sex.. every single week.. we had arguments about sex.. it was frustrating for him.. I could understand.. and it was frustrating for me.. because I felt it was a chore.. So to answer your question... I think that in some cases, the woman will not tell her husband that she no longer loves him... When I told him.. I was checking for an apartment.. gosh! are you my wife? I'll have to answer tomorrow because it's a bit late for me now... and I'll have to start another thread... Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Cuz if there's not another man in the mix....she doesn't wanna hurt his feelings?? I can SOOO see this happening. etc... So to answer your question... I think that in some cases, the woman will not tell her husband that she no longer loves him... When I told him.. I was checking for an apartment.. I have to say, I try 999 out of 1000 to see the other side of the argument, really. Especially when it's from a woman's perspective, hoping maybe I'll learn something, be a better person, etc, etc. But I have to say, and I'm sure that some one will post a strongly worded post to the contrary, that this just supports the negative male point of view of women. If there's not another man, or if I tell him I'll have to look for a place to live? Tell me that's not completely disingenuous ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 I have to say, I try 999 out of 1000 to see the other side of the argument, really. Especially when it's from a woman's perspective, hoping maybe I'll learn something, be a better person, etc, etc. But I have to say, and I'm sure that some one will post a strongly worded post to the contrary, that this just supports the negative male point of view of women. If there's not another man, or if I tell him I'll have to look for a place to live? Tell me that's not completely disingenuous ?? Excuse my French.. but i'm not sure what the question is... In my case, there was no other man.. I just 'waste' the last 6 years with him.. I should have left much earlier. Once love is gone.. it's gone.. I sooo don't believe in MC once one partner is emotionally 'gone'... we can't love again..once it's gone.. it's gone.. Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Excuse my French.. but i'm not sure what the question is... In my case, there was no other man.. I just 'waste' the last 6 years with him.. I should have left much earlier. Once love is gone.. it's gone.. I sooo don't believe in MC once one partner is emotionally 'gone'... we can't love again..once it's gone.. it's gone.. Agreed. However, why refuse sex and live a lie? Wouldn't it have shown more integrity to just be honest and let your spouse move on knowing the truth? I believe the truth serves both parties better in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2009 Share Posted August 12, 2009 Agreed. However, why refuse sex and live a lie? Because: Is she going to tell him? of course not.. she wants to live a sexless life with him because she live a comfortable lilfe.. with her family, kids, etc.. but 'hate' sex ... (or is simply too lazy cause it's got into a pattern of once or twice a month and that suits her)... Is she going to give up everything? of course not.. As an aside, I think many men stay in loveless marriages for equally self-serving reasons... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Agreed. However, why refuse sex and live a lie? Wouldn't it have shown more integrity to just be honest and let your spouse move on knowing the truth? I believe the truth serves both parties better in the long run. There's a lot that can go into creating a dynamic where a woman turns cold. Curious and with a desire to understand the male point of view expressed on this thread concerning the preeminent importance of sex in a relationship/marriage.... I did some reading. There are many thoughtful articles written concerning this dynamic in couples. Why the very woman who could barely control herself with her guy turn disinterested and even adverse to sex. What I read was eye opening. They say that stats show that 70% of women are 'sexually dysfunctional" in this way. Then, given the statistics the years upon years of study on the subject came to an enlightened conclusion. That female sexuality when seen through the eyes of male sexuality is 'dysfunctional' but however this 'dysfunctionality' may not in fact be dysfunction at all... it may just be the way women are wired. They suggested that sex as we know it revolves around the male point of view... Porn, men's magazines, standards for beauty, etc... all feeding male sexuality and messing with the hearts and minds of the women. They explained that men's wiring may provide that they are easily aroused or in a sort of turned on state all of the time. Women in relationships, over time, begin to feel ripped off. The things they need to be interested are seen as 'stupid romantic fluff' or unnecessary time consuming foreplay. But to a woman, she may need to be brought around to desire. Totally different from a man in many, many ways. Resentment sets in and a 'what's the use' turned off feeling. As if it is all about the men... all of the time... and it is up to the woman to 'deal'. Well, dealing isn't exactly a turn on. Again, these are the facts as I read them today... Bringing a woman back around after years of being 'dissed' may not be the easiest thing to accomplish... if it can be accomplished at all. Years of resentment and hurt towards the husband/SO builds up. There has to be an emotional and/or a mental connection to the excitement or passion can die in a woman... for a specific man. And perhaps all of the life support couldn't keep that relationship going. So for the men who are curious... there is an abundance of information on this topic available out there... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Agreed. However, why refuse sex and live a lie? Wouldn't it have shown more integrity to just be honest and let your spouse move on knowing the truth? I believe the truth serves both parties better in the long run. Well.. I had to tell him the truth eventually.. but it didn't change anything.. he didn't want me to leave ... he just thought I would eventually love him back.. I don't know.. I don't know what he thought.. he just want me to stay.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Because: As an aside, I think many men stay in loveless marriages for equally self-serving reasons... Mr. Lucky I agree.. I said it before.. it goes both ways.. but not necessarily for the same reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 Once love is gone.. it's gone.. I sooo don't believe in MC once one partner is emotionally 'gone'... we can't love again..once it's gone.. it's gone.. I've been saying this for ages... the difficult bit is understanding when it's truely gone. Partners must be honest to each other. My wife hasn't been honest to me from that respect. And it's true, there is a lot to lose by leaving. If you can get away with once a month and put up with the occasional naggin, why leave? Unless the man makes her wife's life a misery, with children and mortgages and some remains of affection, home is where comfort is. Having said that, every marriage is due a bit of salvaging before throwing everything into the fire. MC can work, if it's not too late, but usually, when couples find that they need counselling, it is too late... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 13, 2009 Share Posted August 13, 2009 I've been saying this for ages... the difficult bit is understanding when it's truely gone. Partners must be honest to each other. My wife hasn't been honest to me from that respect. And it's true, there is a lot to lose by leaving. If you can get away with once a month and put up with the occasional naggin, why leave? Unless the man makes her wife's life a misery, with children and mortgages and some remains of affection, home is where comfort is. Having said that, every marriage is due a bit of salvaging before throwing everything into the fire. MC can work, if it's not too late, but usually, when couples find that they need counselling, it is too late... When I fell out of love with my first ex.. I wish, too, that I could stay in my comfort zone (family, kids, nice house, cars, etc.)... For a while, I thought it could be possible.. but eventually my life was becoming sooo miserable with him constantly fighting over sex.. getting jealous (he thought I was seeing someone else, he even had me followed)... it was getting ridiculous.. so I had to leave.. BUT.. that was the best move of my life.. looking back now.. I should have left 13 years before... Link to post Share on other sites
bayouboi Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Lizzie I always enjoy reading your posts. I don't know if it's just your age that gives you so much insight and wisdom, but I truly understand why (at least from what I've gathered) so many men cheat on their SOs to be with you. It's because you seem to understand men from a man's point of view. I am curious, though, what was it about your ex that you've been referring to in this thread that made you fall out of love with him? What made the sex such a chore considering how enthused about sex you seem to be nowadays? Link to post Share on other sites
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