I'm in so much pain, and so

[BentButNotBroken]

It must be intentional. When you tell someone that you will leave them a car, and then don't, and you know they need it, and it will hurt them, then it's intentional.

 

We just spoke Friday about maintaining contact. She said if we continued to speak, then it must be civil. I agreed. I said that it must be respectful, in that you should not ignore the other person. I explained to her that when she ignored one of my previous emails and instant message, that it hurt me. I made that clear.

 

So she knows it hurts me not to hear from her. And we just spoke last night, and she said she would leave me the car. NO hesitation about it. I TOTALLY TRUSTED HER. And my friend was just telling me today, when I was getting anxious about the car not being there yet, that my ex was not the kind of person who would do this. She told me that after 5 years, it was unlikely that my ex would just leave me high and dry like this. WELL WHO WAS RIGHT??? Me. I was right to be paranoid. Everyone telling me that I should relax, that I was jumping to conclusions, was wrong. My gut was right.

 

I don't think I will ever hear from her again. I want to leave her another message, asking how she can hurt me so much like this. But I think that would be a bad idea. I think it's over, and I just can't process this. I want to curl up in a ball and die.

 

The move back with family is likely to happen now. Funny, I had just worked out a plan with a friend to stay with her for the first month of school, to see if I could handle it. I think that plan is out the window.

 

I don't even know how I'm alive right now. My body just forces me to breathe.

 

To GUNNY and others, especially some of the husbands I have seen on here: I wish I could be strong like you, wish I could pick myself up and dust myself off. Wish I could say, "see ya" and "F YOU!", and start seeing someone new.

 

I feel so weak, like I've let everyone at LS down. Please don't be too frustrated with me.

 

oh no...I was a crushed little teddy bear. I cryed, I begged, I chased...till it hit me, Why the hell am I chasing someone who can neglect someone they say they care about? On top of that, so quickly and coldly. No matter how long they have been holding it in...you just do not treat people this way. I have called her names in the past that I regret and I was a husband who made mistakes...but I was always loyal to her feelings before any decisions that affected both of us. Of course I would love to hammer her with what she caused...but what does it change? She knew what she was doing just like yours is. The only way out for you is to make a stand and say "noone does this to me !". The more contact with her, the more you have to overcome. The ONLY chance you have at her is to let go and let the consequences of her actions be unclouded in her mind. She is not doing this to you because she hates you. She is blinded, possibly for a short or very long long time. You cannot wait. You will drown yourself cushioning her sinking.

You have to step back and get your head straight. These "no contact" or "180" strategies work, its been tried and tested. If they do not work for getting her back they WILL for getting yourself back. It is your only option left. I have seen women do this to men too. Different people use different motivations to hold out from their former mates. You need to keep writing your feelings out and reading them. Sometimes thoughts look more organized on a canvas. Men and women are all sensitive in their own ways. Noone is better at this then the other. Its just who accepts it quicker.

Please hold on...

[Gunny376]

"To GUNNY and others, especially some of the husbands I have seen on here: I wish I could be strong like you, wish I could pick myself up and dust myself off. Wish I could say, "see ya" and "F YOU!", and start seeing someone new."

 

You don't understand?

 

I got strong because I went through what your going through right now over twenty years ago! That combined with the sum total of my life experiences before and since.

 

Over twenty years ago? Was a different story altogether. I had to reach out to friends to literally come and get me over twenty five miles away, and to carry me to the U S Naval Hospital so I could voluntarily checked myself into the psych ward over night.

 

Not because I was feeling suicidal? Because I was feeling homicidal. I was contemplating seriously knifing and gutting a 23 year old Marine Lance Corporal that just out for some "duty station @zz" for the year he was stationed in Okinawa.

 

He was scroggin my wife, busting up my marriage, threatening all my family, all that I worked for and had. :mad: :mad: And all my XHEX was to him was a piece of @zz!

 

Stupid, dumb SOB. Somehow I managed to reach out and call a friend. You need to have a good, solid close one near by and have them put on speed dial.

 

Divorce/separation is sometimes referred to as "Crazy Time" and when I was going through what your going through I read a book of the same title.

 

Since my divorce, I've read a lot of books about divorce, relationships, marriage, sex, romance etc.

 

Why? Because mine was such a 'gutting' and painful experience that I never wanted to go through that ever again.

 

What you need to do is get busy and stay busy. I know, I know it damned hard to see past the next ten seconds, let alone the next hour.

 

The next day? Next week? Next month? Jezz is that even possible?

 

In the book "Crazy Time" the author wrote about some really crazy divorces and separations. All of this can get very crazy and consume you ~ if you let it.

 

When your initially confronted with it? It can be overwhelming.

 

Many of us here are men, and unlike you being a woman, have somewhat (but not much) easier time of it emotionally, because we can reach down and grab a hold of our anger. A 'secondary emotion' that we can always fall back on.

 

Most, but not all women are not so 'hard-wired' mentally and emotionally to do so! Its hard for them to do so ~ even if they wanted to.

 

She mentioned that her family situation is "complicated" ~ and its entirely possible that she's catching flak from her family about being with another woman.

 

Most people are born into/of heterosexual parents, (at least on face value anyway). And most parents want their children to be "normal" and to live so call "normal" lives.

 

Here locally I know of a gal born to such "normal" parents, whose father is a Southern Baptist Preacher.

 

All her life she was in church every time the doors were opened. From birth she was raised to believe in strong Southern Baptist, conservative values.

 

She grew up, went to college, majored in Mechanical Engineering, married a man ~ lasted all of about two and half years. She subscribed to the way she was raised, cultural and societal beliefs ~ yada ~ yada.

 

Flash forward. She divorced her husband, moved in with her GF.

 

She caught so much flak from her Dad and Mom, that she took her readily transportable degree from a major engineering university, her 4.0 GPA and moved with her partner to Hawaii, where they live happily today.

 

So, I thinking she's catching heat about her "chosen' lifestyle from others close to her, be it family, friends? (Thus the bouts of depression) + Stress from work, (In general terms what kind of work does she do?) + Stress from the relationship, + control issues about who's ~ who and who plays what role in the relationship. (And please! Its not about who's the husband or wife ~ but who's the Alpha and who's the Beta. You put two Alpha's together ~ you've got yourself one hell of a dog fight!)

 

Another really big dynamic in all of this is to be evaluated in a book titled "The Five Languages of Love" If your are a visual person, and she's physical person (touch) and your trying to "show" her your love, while she needs to "feel" your love ~ your going to have a disconnect every time.

 

It took a former poster named Ladyjane14, (BTW you might want to do a forum search using her name ~ she was sharp as a Marine K-bar knife when it came to relationship advice ~ sadly she doesn't post here anymore) a long time that her husband needed her to fix him food ~ something as simple as fixing him a sandwich ~ to feel he was loved by her. :lmao:

 

What you need to be doing is working on yourself ~ improving yourself, setting goals for yourself, and most of all?

 

NUTURING YOURSELF!

 

You should go somewhere, find somewhere where you can allow yourself to heal, lick your wounds, nurture yourself, and be around people that will nurture you and who love you unconditionally.

 

But most of all?

 

You need to learn how to nurture yourself, love yourself, regain yourself esteem.

 

You've had love and relationships before her, and you will have them again! You did just fine before her, and in time? You will do just fine after her.

 

Anything she's got, anything she's got to offer you? You can find just as much as if not more. Just as good as? If not better!

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Ultimately when someone finds themselves getting dumped? It means but two things?

 

1. That weren't the right one for you!

 

2. You've got to go out and find someone who is!

 

You've got a lot of good things going for you ~ and your first assignment each day is to count your blessing and not your troubles!

 

This may be the end of this relationship with her!

 

But its not the end of your Life ~ and Life is worth living!

 

Your obviously smart, intelligent (otherwise you would have never made it into law school, let alone completed your first year!)

 

College educated!

 

Loving, caring, giving, passionate, youthful.

 

Be grateful in a way, that you've not wasted any more of the most precious years of your youth & Life on this person.

 

If your like me? (Like most people?) Your worse than some? But better than most!

 

God has laid many a sweet, precious and valuable things at our feet ~ but oftentimes we're just to blind to see it!

 

Oftentimes, some of God's most precious gifts?

 

Are unanswered prayers.

 

You just need to look for them to find them!

 

 

Today's assignment!

 

QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!

 

The person you should be concentrating on, working on, focused on loving?

 

Is yourself!

 

You give so much to others, you give nothing to yourself.

 

You give so much of yourself to others, and then your hurt when they don't return what you give them!

 

Worse than being a narcissistic ~ your 'anti-narcissistic"

 

Until you learn to 'love' yourself ~ you can never expect anyone else to truly love you.

 

You've got to get out of this mode of seeking outward validation from others, and find it within yourself.

 

What you've got to do is evolve!

 

Evolve to a point where you can say ~ "I'm OK, Your OK, We're OK!"

 

If your in my life! I'm OK!

 

If your not in my life?

 

I'm still OK!

 

If we're together?

 

We're OK!

 

To get there you've got to take the "Space Shuttle Ride" and come out the other end of it!

 

And I'm here to tell you! Its very much a "Get in! Sit Down! Buckle in! Shut-up We're going to "white-knuckle" this bitch of a ride from Hell all the way down!"

[soheartbroken]

Will post an update later when I have more time (trying to finish up packing today), but really wanted to clarify.

 

We are both "out" to our families. I love her family, they were great to me, my family loved her. There is no problem with sexual orientation.

 

She meant it would be "complicated" seeing each others' families again because it would be strange to break up with someone, cause them so much pain, and then be together with their family again.

 

Both we and our families are very comfortable with our sexuality. That is definitely NOT an issue.

 

Thanks for the posts everyone.

[Gunny376]

Well that's good!

 

Hope your doing better today! At least your occupied with things to do!

 

Sounds as though your doing better.

[soheartbroken]

Just got back from packing. I am so distraught, in so much pain, that I am a zombie. I can't even write here. Why have I gone backwards? I'm hurting so bad that I think that no one has ever felt like this before...and I don't think it will ever go away.

[lupa]

Just got back from packing. I am so distraught, in so much pain, that I am a zombie. I can't even write here. Why have I gone backwards? I'm hurting so bad that I think that no one has ever felt like this before...and I don't think it will ever go away.

Sadly, people go through this all the time...most of the people here have been there or are with you now. Lean on us for strength, because I can tell you that it does start to get better. It consumes you, it kills you every day, but you get a strength from it. You make it through this you can make it through anything, and we're right here to help you get through this.

 

I was just where you are (and I'll probably slide back a bit), and I can assure it will get better, you just need some time. I wish there was something we could do to make it better, but we can't carry you on this journey, you need to walk it yourself. Know, though, that you are not walking it alone.

[MrMayI]

lupa's 100% right. every time i backslide, it's not quite as far as the last time. it gets better. slowly but surely. i'm working on 3 months in, and i can tell you, i'm a ton better than i was 3 months ago, a lot better than 2, and somewhat better than 1. i can say that it IS getting better for me, and it WILL get better for you. give your new experiences a chance to start settling in.

[LisaUk]

Sweetie, give yourself a break, this is like week 2 for you? I was where you are 5 months ago. I felt just like you. We all did, and I still do sometimes, it's hard, it hurts, you think it will never get any better, but it DOES. Don't give up on that 1 month back at school, b/c in 3 months you will probably regret doing so. Did the car turn up by the way?

[soheartbroken]

Got a lame text this morning saying "sorry about the car, it's parked at [old apartment] now, I was in and out all day yesterday. Talk later, X."

 

I will be honest. I did something bad and drove by her new place last night around 11:30 pm (just down the street from our old apartment), and the car was parked there (not one of the places we had discussed leaving it). And the tv was on in her apartment. So she didn't leave town yesterday afternoon like she had told me, and didn't return my call and email from 7:30. What the hell?

 

The only thing I can say is that it wouldn't be far-fetched that they didn't end up leaving for the trip last night, for legitimate reasons. But how hard would it have been for her to call and tell me that they were still in town, that she would just leave the car the next day. HOW HARD IS THAT? I don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

I am distraught. I'm going home for a few days tomorrow.

[soheartbroken]

Oh, and it's been one month since the breakup, and I'm feeling worse than when we first broke up. Probably because she is jerking me around.

[LisaUk]

Early stages, sweetie, early stages.

 

You weren't bad for driving down her road, you had a hunch, you checked it out. It's not like you were driving past just to catch a glimpse of her, that would have been bad, stalking. Not what you did, a one off, stop berating yourself.

 

Yes, that would p**s me off to, she could have answered your text. You are right you do not deserve to be treated like this, no one does, how hard is it to be civil, espically to someone you were with 5 years. This just shows you what she really is, time to get mad.

[soheartbroken]

BROKE THE 180 ALREADY

 

So, the pain has subsided enough so that I can post.

 

Spoke to her tonight. Had a breakdown (not crying or begging or anything though), and told her that I was not doing very well, that I wasn't sure where I was going to be living, and I think she knew that meant I was unsure about school. The conversation overall was awful. It went the way these conversations go - you ask stupid, whiny, weak questions because you are hurting so bad. You know the answers will probably not be what you want to hear, but you ask anyway, just in case. You're almost trying to confirm your worst fears. Here is the gist of what I can remember:

 

She is doing much better than I am. "These things are rarely mutual" she says.

 

She did not leave me for someone else, and she doesn't even know where I'm getting that idea from.

 

She does not blame me for the relationship downfall. "Sometimes things just don't work".

 

She hasn't had a lot of time to think about things, because she has not been at home. She put away things that were sad reminders.

 

There is "no chance" of us getting back together in the "near future". And she can only speak for today. NOTE: I fully agreed and did NOT ask her to get back together or to try again in the near future. I know that won't happen.

 

She doesn't want me to change for her in the hopes of getting back together.

 

When I asked how she was able to get over me so quickly, she was irritated, and seemed to say (my memory is foggy though) that she wasn't.

 

She said she had been through this more times, so she knew she would get over the pain, whereas I had never experienced this before.

 

She asked if I had support from friends, and I said yes, but it doesn't do sh*t for the pain.

 

I asked if she still loved me (yes, I know, can you believe I did that!). She said that was a ridiculous and silly question. Of course she does...on the other hand...I got a lot of silence on the other end of the phone, she said at one point that she didn't know what to say, was not sure what I wanted to hear...all those things that dumpers say that make you feel like ****.

 

I told her that given that I was having a tough time, that I would appreciate it if she would be more respectful, e.g. DON'T TELL ME YOU ARE LEAVING THE CAR THEN NOT LEAVE IT!!

 

She asked if I needed to not talk to her, and I said that after all the moving stuff was sorted out, that yes, NC would probably be best for awhile. Which I HATE because I wanted it to be on my own terms.

 

QUESTION FOR ALL: when they ask you if you need to go NC, and you say "yes", does the power not stay with them? I really wanted to go NC and not tell her that that was what I was doing. Now she knows that I'm only not speaking to her because I'm hurting, not because I'm off having some wonderful life.

 

Okay, now where do I go from here, after failing miserably at the 180????

[soheartbroken]

MY TAKE ON ADDICTION TO A PERSON

 

Here are my thoughts...I kinda just feel like writing them down.

 

Talking to your ex is like a drug. Here is what I think is happening in my particular situation:

 

The first few times you talk to an ex after a breakup (that is, take a hit of the drug), they are sad like you are. So talking to them is a relief in a sense, because it feels better to know that they miss you etc. The "hit" is good. You're sad but you cope.

 

You manage to get by a few days, not feeling so awful, because you had a good hit of your drug.

 

Then in further conversations, the person starts to become withdrawn, and you start to realize that they are doing better than you, and are coping without you. So you still get your "hit", but the drug isn't high quality. This means that you start calling/texting/whatever more, because you need more hits of the low quality drug to get the same high (like smoking more "light" cigarettes to get the same nicotine as a regular).

 

Finally, talking just makes you feel like s**t. The person is doing well, is frustrated that you're still around being needy, etc. The person doesn't seem the same anymore. Didn't this person used to love you??!! In other words, the drug is bogus; it's fake, it has little or no effect.

 

When you hit this low point, you realize that taking the drug (talking to the person) is just hurtful. The drug loses it's effect, so you force yourself to go NC.

 

Anyway, I feel that this is how it's playing out for me (Other people probably have different takes on it). And I think that's why I'm hitting my lowest points one month in. Because I'm running out of good drug.

[soheartbroken]

Also,

 

Thanks for the supportive posts during my darkest hours today.

[MrMayI]

MY TAKE ON ADDICTION TO A PERSON

 

Here are my thoughts...I kinda just feel like writing them down.

 

Talking to your ex is like a drug. Here is what I think is happening in my particular situation:

 

The first few times you talk to an ex after a breakup (that is, take a hit of the drug), they are sad like you are. So talking to them is a relief in a sense, because it feels better to know that they miss you etc. The "hit" is good. You're sad but you cope.

 

You manage to get by a few days, not feeling so awful, because you had a good hit of your drug.

 

Then in further conversations, the person starts to become withdrawn, and you start to realize that they are doing better than you, and are coping without you. So you still get your "hit", but the drug isn't high quality. This means that you start calling/texting/whatever more, because you need more hits of the low quality drug to get the same high (like smoking more "light" cigarettes to get the same nicotine as a regular).

 

Finally, talking just makes you feel like s**t. The person is doing well, is frustrated that you're still around being needy, etc. The person doesn't seem the same anymore. Didn't this person used to love you??!! In other words, the drug is bogus; it's fake, it has little or no effect.

 

When you hit this low point, you realize that taking the drug (talking to the person) is just hurtful. The drug loses it's effect, so you force yourself to go NC.

 

Anyway, I feel that this is how it's playing out for me (Other people probably have different takes on it). And I think that's why I'm hitting my lowest points one month in. Because I'm running out of good drug.

 

this is very good, and true. not to encourage debauchery, but it doesn't hurt when you're up for it to maybe sample a "substitute" drug, lol.

[soheartbroken]

Haha. Thanks MrMayI. Quite honestly though, the thought of even looking at someone else makes me sick right now...but I'll keep it in mind!

[MrMayI]

Haha. Thanks MrMayI. Quite honestly though, the thought of even looking at someone else makes me sick right now...but I'll keep it in mind!

 

i know it does SISTER, but i just wanted you to smile. even one a day can start the ball rolling. take good care of yourself. i'm becoming living proof you'll make it through.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I think you going NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. The way you describe the addiction rings true in some respects for me, but not in others. The way my ex left and from the moment he went out the door he was nasty, aggresive, hurtful. There was no sadness, in fact the day after, I called ,he told me he was having a great time and "I feel liberated and free"!

 

There were moments when I got a glimse of sadness from him, maybe on two occasions. For the most part he was just vile. NC came for me when I finally could not take him hurting me anymore, although he asked for it. I don't think it matters how your NC comes about, just that you do it, but for you, not her. It's amazing how much more detached and removed from them you feel as the NC goes on.

[soheartbroken]

Yes Lisa, I think NC would be good for awhile too. I'm struggling with the idea though. I so want to remain apart of her life (unless she is lying to me about things). I don't want to drift away and become strangers.

 

Back at home right now. Still on LS though!

[soheartbroken]

Hurting really bad right now. Even though I'm surrounded by family. I just want this to stop, but I can't shake all the good memories.

[lupa]

Oh, the pain will slowly go away, each day getting just the slightest bit better. Soon you might actually be functional on a very low level! Spend a lot of time here, get it all out. Know that people have gone through what you have, and get this, are actually living again.

 

Where you are it is tough to see past your own elbows. I know, because I was just there, and I can tell you that eventually the crushing blackness that fills your world will be interrupted by quick flashes of light.

 

The thread I started "Apart and Shaken" just freaking tells the story of the rapid crash into the oblivion and the long, slow journey back out. But if you have the time (like a week and a half) to read it, you'll find that chance and luck also play a part in getting out, and the focus of the world shifts back to living.

 

I'm nowhere near where I was when I started, but I can tell you I'm out of the Pits of Despair...you can, too, and you will.

 

Just rely on us, rely on family, rely on friends. Bore them to death with one more conversation about it, then give them a hug of thanks.

 

The light does come back, it just comes back really slowly.

 

As a side note, the despair and pain will be replaced by melancholy and sadness. Eventually those give way to feeling ok sometimes, and sliding back to melancholy and sadness. Then you keep moving up the scale (I think, because I'm not there yet) to actually enjoying something for a while.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks Lupa. I've been trying to follow your thread. I've read the beginning and the more recent stuff.

[LisaUk]

 

As a side note, the despair and pain will be replaced by melancholy and sadness. Thanks Lupa, think this is the point I am at right now. Eventually those give way to feeling ok sometimes, and sliding back to melancholy and sadness. Looking forward to this next stage!Then you keep moving up the scale (I think, because I'm not there yet) to actually enjoying something for a while.

 

I promise you SOB, this will get better, you can't see it right now, right now it hurts so bad you think you will never feel better. You will.

[phineas]

I am really considering myself "lucky".

My wife was "distant" with me throughout her affair.

She worked Evenings most of her affair.

Other than sex, we really only spent time together a couple times a week (her choice). so there really wern't that many good times over the last two yrs other than those with the kids.

 

add in all the using & manipulation she did to me & i'm am finding it a lot easier than I ever expected to let her go.

 

She is now testing the waters. slowly trying to strike up conversations with me. Something I am not interested in. Especially since after confronting her with hard evidence she still choose to lie to me.

 

Sorry, I don't even want casual conversation with someone like that.

 

Essentially she bent me over & barreled me out.

Dry.

Just the sight of her & her horrible die job or the sound of her voice annoys me.

[soheartbroken]

Memories coming on strong today. Why is it that only one person feels all the pain? The leaver still has the memories somewhere in their brain, but seemingly with no emotional attachment to them, and probably never thinks of them.

 

Why does it have to be this hard? I just want to call and say "remember when...?", because she is the only one who shares my memories. F**k I hate this.