Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 You did good Trippi. Sounds to me, that hes baiting you, looking to push your buttons. Nothing there that required him being there in person and no reason to bring up his "lunch partner"! I think the leavers get a bit of a rise out of the pain they cause, knowing they can illicit such strong emotions, and they do what ever they can to keep that feeling going. They rub a little salt in the wound here and throw a jab there to keep things going. You didn't take the bait though, sounds like you kept your cool and just let it roll, best thing you could of done. Plus it's going to drive him nuts!!! TOJAZ Thanks, I just don't care about it anymore...I thought about it most of the day when I got his text message this morning that he wanted to discuss some things....would I even want him back in my life after the way he has treated me, in the past and in the present....NO! I deserve better than that, and I know that I can be pretty amazing when I want to be. I'm finding that I like who I am now without him because I really hated who I was with him and what I felt emotionally. He's right, he couldn't be the person I wanted him to be, I can't change him to be kind, loving, patient, and good father when he is in the home....he has to learn that for himself and apart....maybe he will. I hope he does, truly. One of my girlfriends says that she thinks that I do still love him and I am just saying this now....but I really feel nothing...just an empty void. He admitted that I made some good points about his anger and his ranting/raving about things that happen that no one has any control over (I mean how are you going to MAKE a school bus be on time...really?) And the projects around the house that needed to be done....I didn't impose his guilt on him that they didn't get done...he did that to himself by planning them and never doing them. I just ended it with "I'm not in love with you with anymore and I know you are not in love with me, so let's just get on with our lives." My friend agrees too that he is baiting me and trying to push my buttons....I will leave that to the attorney to push the buttons next week. This chapter of my life is closed.
tojaz Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I think you probably do still love him in a way. That just dosen't go away. The important thing is that you also see how bad he is for you and your son, and that he has no desire to change for the better. Hes hurtful, irresponsible, and flat out wreckless, wasting money and drinking his life away! He says he learned from all this?? Dosen't sound like he learned a damn thing. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I think you probably do still love him in a way. That just dosen't go away. The important thing is that you also see how bad he is for you and your son, and that he has no desire to change for the better. Hes hurtful, irresponsible, and flat out wreckless, wasting money and drinking his life away! He says he learned from all this?? Dosen't sound like he learned a damn thing. TOJAZ Well, he claims that he isn't drinking anymore or doing the "recreational" stuff. Claimed that maybe he needs to find a woman to help him with that....I had to laugh at that one. Everyone knows that only an alcoholic can fix himself. Whoever she is will just wind up angry and bitter about dealing with it like I did, and I told him that. One thing he said tonight is that we could never work again because this time apart would make us always wonder what the other was doing...that trust is gone, the passion is gone, the love is truly gone....nothing left.
tojaz Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Well, he claims that he isn't drinking anymore or doing the "recreational" stuff. Claimed that maybe he needs to find a woman to help him with that....I had to laugh at that one. Everyone knows that only an alcoholic can fix himself. Whoever she is will just wind up angry and bitter about dealing with it like I did, and I told him that. One thing he said tonight is that we could never work again because this time apart would make us always wonder what the other was doing...that trust is gone, the passion is gone, the love is truly gone....nothing left. If he actually wanted help with his drinking and other habits, he would have found it long ago. Sounds to me like hes just trying to shift himself into a better light now that all the cards are out on the table. The other comment reeks of guilt to me! TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 If he actually wanted help with his drinking and other habits, he would have found it long ago. Sounds to me like hes just trying to shift himself into a better light now that all the cards are out on the table. The other comment reeks of guilt to me! TOJAZ I had written this in my journal yesterday before I saw him last night, and I debated on whether or not to send it to him. I decided to go ahead and send it to him anyway because I'm not in remorse anymore, I am in a rebuilding phase and he actually needs to move on and leave me alone: I just wanted you to know, I wrote this in my journal today before you came by the house…you say that I need to move on…not sure who you are convincing, but I will share this excerpt with you: I wake up every day now a little stronger. Rebuilding, rebuilding a life without you and I know that I can do that. It’s not that I didn’t love you enough. I just realized that letting you go was better than letting you have that power over me, that power of giving you my heart….it made me weak, made me lose my sense of self. Where I used to wake up and wonder what normal was, I now know that waking up and coming home to peace, serenity and calm is so much more satisfying than fighting with someone who doesn’t even know what he is fighting for. I hope you get what you deserve and find what you are looking for, I really mean that sincerely. I know that I am an amazing person as well – full of life, ideas and triumphs and I can overcome this by living my life right. I hate that you will never know that person, or took the time….maybe she is who you came to hate. I don’t know why, that is something you have to figure out. But I am rebuilding, re-focusing my goals for what I want, not what I thought we needed – and it feels good to finally be in control of just me and be happy. Sincerely, Me
tojaz Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Sounds good Trippi, a lot of strength there. It truly IS a shame he will never know the person your becoming, because from what I can see, she is making all the right moves. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Sounds good Trippi, a lot of strength there. It truly IS a shame he will never know the person your becoming, because from what I can see, she is making all the right moves. TOJAZ Thank you.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Sounds good Trippi, a lot of strength there. It truly IS a shame he will never know the person your becoming, because from what I can see, she is making all the right moves. TOJAZ Well, H decided to share with me what one of his "friends" opinons was of my journal entry: "Well then she should be relieved to be letting go of you and letting you find that happiness that she sincerely wishes for you. In which case, if she hangs on to hate and resentment, she will never move forward. I hope she understands that. I hope she also realizes that by digging at you and doing this little stuff to try to hurt you and get under your skin she is continuing to hurt everyone else involved. That's NOT letting go. P.s I have friends also" My response: I think u should be honest with your friend. I'm not the one digging, and u need admit your part in that as well. There was no need in u coming by yesterday to discuss things with me, there was nothing to discuss. U seem to b the one that wants to carry this out and keep toying with my emotions. I have friends too and they all say that u need leave me alone and let me rebuild my life. That is what I am doing, so please let me move on." Now I have been threatened with harrassment and I guess I am the psycho ex-wife...Sorry Tojaz, just took your Devil title away from you. At any rate, just sent the retainer fee to the attorney. The attorney's can do the talking, I'm done. NC.
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Well done on sending him that note. You should've ignored his reply though. If he wants to see it the wrong way, that's his problem. You don't need to clarify anything you say to him. He will twist anything you say into something that he can use against you or make you feel stupid. Do not defend yourself against things that he misinterprets. There's only 3 things I can advise, NC, NC and NC. I see you said that in your previous post, but just want to stress it again. NC.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Well done on sending him that note. You should've ignored his reply though. If he wants to see it the wrong way, that's his problem. You don't need to clarify anything you say to him. He will twist anything you say into something that he can use against you or make you feel stupid. Do not defend yourself against things that he misinterprets. There's only 3 things I can advise, NC, NC and NC. I see you said that in your previous post, but just want to stress it again. NC. Thanks Logik, we have to have some LC due to the child, but it's just ridiculous...he lures me into these conversations about the relationship and then turns it on me and says I do that to him, I hung up on him this morning when he headed down that avenue. You are right, he is twisting everything to make himself feel validated. True, I should have ignored his reply....I'm just going to keep dismanteling...the less contact I have with him, the stronger I feel...I need to keep it that way. Thanks again. Trippi
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Keep the LC strictly child based. You've said to him what you needed to and there's no reason for any more to be said. If he wants to discuss the relationship, then say you have nothing more to say unless it's constructive. You're not going to discuss anything that'll help him justify anything. If he starts talking about the justifications, you don't need to hang up either, just calmly say, "I can't talk about this now, I have other things to do, goodbye". Hanging up is another justification for him. Don't give him anything that can be used against you. Make him sorry for what he's doing, not happy because you just did something that he can use to justify his actions. Don't fight fire with fire. Fight it with cool, calm water. I know you don't feel cool and calm, but just be that for when you have LC. Afterwards you can scream and throw a pillow.
jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 HAHA.... So true. Everytime you fight back you are giving him what he needs to tell himself he is doing the right thing and he will continue to get a rise out of you when he can. I have that same problem right now where whenever he says something that I can fight back on I do and that is a NO NO. You need to be the calm one and start showing him that you don't need to fight him about things he knows inside are killing you. Be the bigger person because he's obviously NOT.
jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Also if you have been together for a while he knows the things that are going to bother you and vice versa. Start showing him that it DOESN'T affect you anymore even if it does inside. Talk about the kids and let the rest GO. I know it's hard I struggle with myself every day, but in the end it will be one less wrinkle LOL
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 Everything that everyone has said here is the same thing my therapist said to me today. She told me I am doing the right thing, I'm talking to others about the issues, my feelings, I'm making my own personal goals (my Ovation is in and I pick it up Friday!! Can't wait!!), I'm moving forward with the separation and divorce because I know that there is nothing left to salvage. I will let the phone ring and not answer it when he calls, and I will only keep the conversations to the child. I'm not his friend, I don't want to hear his problems or even his contorted synopsis of our problems. Going out with the girlfriends tomorrow night to enjoy myself and I am living my life the way he never allowed me to...that's having a life.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 One more thing, as far as hate and resentment....yeah, I'm going to have that...no getting past it....but I have the choice to let it consume me or just let it remind me of how much he disgusts me...it's hard to be nice to someone who never respected you. I don't call that hate and resentment, I just call it seeing someone for their true colors.
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 Good for you. But remember, there is a fine line between love and hate. You are allowed to feel hate and resentment now, but to truly move on and be happy, strive for indifference. Hate is an emotion that uses energy. Indifference has no emotion attached therefore taking no energy. Don't waste any energy on him if you're moving on. Enjoy this feeling that you have now, but be ready for that roller coaster...
tojaz Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 One more thing, as far as hate and resentment....yeah, I'm going to have that...no getting past it....but I have the choice to let it consume me or just let it remind me of how much he disgusts me...it's hard to be nice to someone who never respected you. I don't call that hate and resentment, I just call it seeing someone for their true colors. That is the absolute best attitude to have. Anything else is just chasing ghosts. Ghosts of what was or could have been. Hes shown his true colors and you made the best decision you could for you and your son. You don't have to be nice to him, you don't even have to be cordial if you don't want to. Be nothing to him, save that for someone whos worth a damn. TOJAZ
PWSX3 Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 And I hope you are starting to see that having these conversations with him don't get you anywhere...... I would suggest just don't play those games. He is just trying to get you excited & stroke his own ego......
Author trippi1432 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Again, everyone is right here. And I think that I am between hate and indifference at different times. What gets me though is his sending his "friends" feedback to me. He keeps accusing me of being nice one minute and hateful the next....and it is him that he is explaining. "Well then she should be relieved to be letting go of you YES and letting you find that happiness if misery can ever be happy that she sincerely wishes for you sincerely wish him to be happy, but until he gets help, I know he never will be. In which case, if she hangs on to hate and resentment I will alwasy have some of that in my heart, because to show him sincerity, he unrealisticaly thinks that I am in love with him, she will never move forward Wrong....I am already moving forward in my peace, sanity, hope, career, school and serenity. I hope she understands that. I hope she also realizes that by digging at you and doing this little stuff to try to hurt you LMAO!! Truth hurts and get under your skin If he had no feelings for me, I wouldn't get under his skin she is continuing to hurt everyone else involved everyone else involved disagrees with his motives including his entire family. That's NOT letting go Um....forgetting them is letting go....pretending that they didn't exist because they became the most unimportant part of your life, is letting go. P.s I have friends also" (Guess you have this one, until she finds out what you really are) Ok, now I feel better, especially since this is most likely his rebound who knows absolutely nothing about me. You know, the most hilarious thing!! My first ex-husband's second wife hated me with a passion.....only knew things about me that my ex and monster-in-law had told her....which were fabricated lies. When my ex and his 2nd wife split up, she became a very close friend....even though she cheated on him and left him. In comparing notes, everything he did to her, he did to me too.....too funny.
tojaz Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Don't dwell on his reply. It's just his way of twisting the knife. What other purpose does he have for sending it to you. Sure, he says hes moving on, but what do his actions tell you. Ignore him and his messages. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Don't dwell on his reply. It's just his way of twisting the knife. What other purpose does he have for sending it to you. Sure, he says hes moving on, but what do his actions tell you. Ignore him and his messages. TOJAZ I know, I shouldn't dwell on it....I'm just flabbergasted that he would send me some strangers opinion to me in an email. What an a**.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 Sounds good Trippi, a lot of strength there. It truly IS a shame he will never know the person your becoming, because from what I can see, she is making all the right moves. TOJAZ BTW - I was accused of drinking for sending that to him....LMAO!! I wish!! Then I would have had an excuse for trying to be sincere...not in my right mind. LOL!
tojaz Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 BTW - I was accused of drinking for sending that to him....LMAO!! I wish!! Then I would have had an excuse for trying to be sincere...not in my right mind. LOL! What? My post? Why on earth would you need an excuse for trying to be sincere. Keep in mind that he has lost all priveleges when it comes to you now. His opinion should have no bearing on you or your life. Say what you want, to hell with him. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 15, 2009 Author Posted October 15, 2009 I had written this in my journal yesterday before I saw him last night, and I debated on whether or not to send it to him. I decided to go ahead and send it to him anyway because I'm not in remorse anymore, I am in a rebuilding phase and he actually needs to move on and leave me alone: I just wanted you to know, I wrote this in my journal today before you came by the house…you say that I need to move on…not sure who you are convincing, but I will share this excerpt with you: I wake up every day now a little stronger. Rebuilding, rebuilding a life without you and I know that I can do that. It’s not that I didn’t love you enough. I just realized that letting you go was better than letting you have that power over me, that power of giving you my heart….it made me weak, made me lose my sense of self. Where I used to wake up and wonder what normal was, I now know that waking up and coming home to peace, serenity and calm is so much more satisfying than fighting with someone who doesn’t even know what he is fighting for. I hope you get what you deserve and find what you are looking for, I really mean that sincerely. I know that I am an amazing person as well – full of life, ideas and triumphs and I can overcome this by living my life right. I hate that you will never know that person, or took the time….maybe she is who you came to hate. I don’t know why, that is something you have to figure out. But I am rebuilding, re-focusing my goals for what I want, not what I thought we needed – and it feels good to finally be in control of just me and be happy. Sincerely, Me No, this email that I sent to him and you replied that it was a good sincere email, showed that I was moving on and was being strong....he accused me of drinking and that is why I sent this to him. You know, the irony of it all, is he was sending me little snippets similar to this in the beginning....how this was for the best, and I deserved better, he didn't put me first but would with the next person....etc....all those little things to get a rise out of me. He told me to move on and I was letting him know that I did....why does that now get a rise out of him? He's been telling me to move on since he left. He should be relieved and happy that I am.
tojaz Posted October 15, 2009 Posted October 15, 2009 Demonstrating that you are doing fine without him and moving on takes his power, shows him hes losing a lot more then you are. My ex does this any chance she gets. His reply is his attempt to take back some of that power, I could send you a Dozen E-mail exchanges just like that from my wife. He is trying desperately to paint you as the bad person here and he will do that any chance he gets. Your E-mail proved otherwise. Let him play his game. TOJAZ
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