Husband Home - working on relationship

[trippi1432]

Well, I spent some time with my mom today, Moms are great for kicking your a** or at least putting things into perspective. She came over to take me to a doctor's appt, long story short...I couldn't drive home due to it being out-patient surgery.

 

My mother is a very strong woman (all 96 lbs of her), a lot of backbone and she won't put up with crap for very long after my dad, her first husband. LOL! Her words..."I don't get this, why are you even sad...I just don't understand it at all. All the two of you ever did was fight, you never agreed on anything, he was always off drinking and all...you should be relieved so why are you doing this? This is a time for reflection, yes, but a time for new experiences." Then she proceeded to put her dishes in my dishwasher and said "Look, I can load the dishwasher any way I want to and he isn't here to b**** about which way the forks are turned!"

 

Ok, I thought I was going to fall in the floor laughing over that one. Even his sister noticed that when she stayed with us a while back during a breakup. He argued with us about the proper way to load a dishwasher...and was perplexed that, as women, we didn't understand this. He even once gave my mother and his mother a lesson in the proper way to load a dishwasher when they were helping with Thanksgiving cleanup. Even laundry, when I did the clothes...he had to refold his clothes all over again...it was never right. If he did them, I was just happy they got done and bragged to all my girlfriends that I had a hubby who did laundry. They were so jealous over this.

 

Not that I don't have my own quirks as well, if I am putting something together out of a box, I have to ensure that every screw, nut and bolt is there before I put it together and follow the instructions - only because there have been too many times that I had to rebox something due to missing parts (more unhappy customer than OCD). And yes, I will send back food if it isn't right, this would totally tick him off as he said it embarrassed him, no matter how politely I did this.

 

Yes, there was definitely some OCD behavior with him....add alcohol and other things to that personality mix....I can see why we are where we are today. I've got to remember that his personal problems are his, his addictions, his afflictions...they are all his, not mine. I've been sitting back trying to figure out what I need to change about me, but I realize that there is nothing that I can do to change me enough to make him happy...he has a hard enough time making himself happy.

 

I'm working on it, I'm trying to get there...I think the hardest thing is that we were at the point in our lives where we had it all, what I thought we were both working for....it's hard when you think that you are at that point in your life where you think you can breathe and the bottom falls out. We should have been working on us and our life, enjoying that instead of quirking out over stupid things...instead he was working on the way out.

[trippi1432]

I'm going through all of this trying to explore my feelings and I had a girlfriend of mine offer up some insight tonight. Similar to my mother, she stated that this has been going on for a while and that I need to move on and let him go...and he needs to grow up and quit talking about the relationship since he wanted to leave....but she brought up that she thinks that I am so sad and can't get over it because I am thinking of it as a challenge.

 

I find that interesting and am wondering about it. I know that I was extremely sad several weeks ago, cried for several days until my sister-in-law wanted us to agree to watch Fireproof. When she told me that he agreed to do this, I stopped being so sad and started thinking optimistically. Of course we never did this and he claims to have been bam-boozled by his sister.

 

I did the same thing again when he called a few weeks later and said that he wanted to take things slow...I was extremely sad and then all of sudden I was hopefull, but leary. Now I am beginning to wonder, is it because a part of me still loves him and misses him or is it because I am sad because I am losing this fight (challenge).

 

Anyone have any experience with this?

[tojaz]

It's both, hes giving you scraps of hope and your taking them and running. The same reason my heart jumps out of my throat when i see an E-mail from my wife in my inbox. I know theres nothing but pain inside, another opportunity to twist the knife, yet that one part wonders.... is this it, has she awoken? The answer is always no of course, but that little bit of hope is a welcome break. Sometimes i'll go days without opening it, just to enjoy the emotional rest. Like buying a Lotto ticket and daydreaming of what you'll do with the money. Some of it is about "winning the fight" but what does it matter, what battle is more worthwhile then saving your marriage?

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

It's both, hes giving you scraps of hope and your taking them and running. The same reason my heart jumps out of my throat when i see an E-mail from my wife in my inbox. I know theres nothing but pain inside, another opportunity to twist the knife, yet that one part wonders.... is this it, has she awoken? The answer is always no of course, but that little bit of hope is a welcome break. Sometimes i'll go days without opening it, just to enjoy the emotional rest. Like buying a Lotto ticket and daydreaming of what you'll do with the money. Some of it is about "winning the fight" but what does it matter, what battle is more worthwhile then saving your marriage?

TOJAZ

 

I know exactly what you mean, but it seems people who are selfish just "wake up" too late. Funny you mention the gambling, H admits he is has a gambling problem (refuses to admit the drinking problem even though he gets drunk every night now with his buddy)....anyways, I wonder how many people get married and just daydream about it being what they want without acting on the marriage to make it better? They say you can't win if you don't buy a ticket, but you can't win at marriage if both aren't willing to work on it right?

 

I agree though, I always said that I would fight for him....but I know that this is a battle that I can't win...I really don't think it is a challenge, I think I am so sad because I really lost a long time ago and now I am mourning the death of it all.

[tojaz]

I know exactly what you mean, but it seems people who are selfish just "wake up" too late. Funny you mention the gambling, H admits he is has a gambling problem (refuses to admit the drinking problem even though he gets drunk every night now with his buddy)....anyways, I wonder how many people get married and just daydream about it being what they want without acting on the marriage to make it better? They say you can't win if you don't buy a ticket, but you can't win at marriage if both aren't willing to work on it right?

I agree though, I always said that I would fight for him....but I know that this is a battle that I can't win...I really don't think it is a challenge, I think I am so sad because I really lost a long time ago and now I am mourning the death of it all.

 

Exactly right. It takes two, always has and always will. Read the poem I left on Brokens thread>> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t197621/18

I've always thought that summed it all up nicely.

 

I'm not saying your in it just for the challenge, your in it trying to save what you have, like patriots defending the homeland. Theres a lot of honor to that. The one thing I have said in all of this, is that if it has to end, walk away with your integrity intact and knowing that you have done everything you could to save it. You've done that Trippi, you stood for your marriage and stood proud. Thats integrity! Be sad and mourn the loss, but keep your head up, you did it right.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

There are stages to a relationship.

We start to date and us men see it as a challenge, it is our job to get that girl and once we get the girl then we get married & our job is over, we have our trophy so we don't need to work on keeping it anymore.

 

Then you have the honeymoon & everything is so beautiful, just like that picture the movies, TV paint for us. The white picket fence, the big house, the two cars in the garage, etc.

 

Then reality hits & we have our trophy wife so we start to focus on our job because that is our next goal to concur. Meanwhile the marriage starts to drift apart little at a time & before you know it there is a problem but us men feel everything is fine because we are providing for our wife.

 

As for your H I'm not sure why they give up, maybe it has to do with needing another challenge in life, maybe he is hurting & covers it up with the drinking but you are better off away from someone like that.

 

Until he puts himself into AA or celebrate recovery or something he will never change.

[trippi1432]

Thanks P, I was doing good today until this evening when I decided to stop off at a local diner to get dinner for myself to go (H has the son this weekend). It hit me....he was so worried about his Buddy being alone, wanting to bring him to the house on the weekends because the guy has no friends.....when the anger hit me that I am now the one "alone", I felt like I was going bi-polar or something. The force of this anger just scares me so.

[PWSX3]

Thanks P, I was doing good today until this evening when I decided to stop off at a local diner to get dinner for myself to go (H has the son this weekend).

So did you get it? Did you take it home & eat it? What's the big deal? You just learned you are able to buy food for yourself & eat it as well......Didn't have anyone tell you how to eat it, or what to eat right? Kind of feels good I would think, sorry no time now to be thinking of the stbxh, enjoying my time by myself.......

 

Now what should I do? Watch a movie, go out to a movie, call some friends & see what they are doing, just to many choices.......

 

Get the idea, no time to dwell on that SOB, busy doing things I want to do..

[trippi1432]

So did you get it? Did you take it home & eat it? What's the big deal? You just learned you are able to buy food for yourself & eat it as well......Didn't have anyone tell you how to eat it, or what to eat right? Kind of feels good I would think, sorry no time now to be thinking of the stbxh, enjoying my time by myself.......

 

Now what should I do? Watch a movie, go out to a movie, call some friends & see what they are doing, just to many choices.......

 

Get the idea, no time to dwell on that SOB, busy doing things I want to do..

 

Oy-Vah! *smacking head* Good Point! I didn't have to go to 3 drive-thrus before getting home to eat.....that was nice. My house was clean before 9 am, I've got the TV on R&B Classics (which nobody in my house ever understood....still trying to figure out when DeBarge became a classic...?? *L*), and I might actually get my class project finished without interruptions tonight for school. Having a glass of wine to relax and take the edge off and bring the blood pressure back down to normal range...sigh.

 

Thanks for the pep talk.

[trippi1432]

Does anyone know the answer to this? In North Carolina, can a parent mandate that as a condition of joint custody, the other parent must pass mandatory piss tests?

[Gunny376]

Does anyone know the answer to this? In North Carolina, can a parent mandate that as a condition of joint custody, the other parent must pass mandatory piss tests?

 

I'm not a lawyer, but I read a lot, especially when confronted about a issue that I may have in life.

 

I've read a lot about law, government, etc.

 

Law is established by three different methods, ~ Statue law, that is law that is already on the books and already established through the other two processes of creating law. This includes 'Old English Law' (with the exception of the State of Louisiana which is based upon the Napoleonic Code). An example of this in your case living in North Click would be that its still a statue in the State of North Carolina to plow a cotton field with an elephant. (I'm serious). Also in North Carolina its illegal for a man to live with a woman not a blood relative nor is legal spouse. (Thus there's no such thing as 'common law' marriage in the state of North Carolina.)

 

The other means of creating law is legislative law. Laws that the individual states, territories, and of course the Congress passes.

 

Finally there is case law. Which is precedent set by cases previously tried in the court system. An example of this was that in the State of Texas, it USE to be legal that if one find their lawful wedded spouse in bed with another it was ruled by a jury that it was justifiable homicide in so long as you shot and killed both of them. If you only killed one of them? It was murder. (I'm sure in this modern age they've have changed that one ~ or at least I hope they have)

 

So the answer to your question? You can ask the courts for any restrictions. You may or may not get it.

 

Here in Alabama, the Alabama Supreme Court has just ruled that just because an individuals parental rights were terminated does not mean their not obligated to pay child support. (Bully for them!) The case stemmed from some POS that married a woman that they had a child together ~ but he was attempting to sexually molest her daughters from a previous marriage.

 

IMHO, I don't believe returning something that didn't come with all its bits and pieces nor sending back something at a restaurant because it wasn't prepared the way you ordered it ~ OCD?

 

I damned near caused a riot at Barnhills once ~ and I was being polite about it.

 

I don't gamble, but since having been out here in civilian la~la land? I heard some real horror stories about the consequences of such.

 

Having read your thread, well the tail end of it? You can do a lot better than this guy. And, even if you can't? Your better off without him.

 

He's not part of the solution? He's part of the problem.

 

He's not part of the answer? He's part of the question?

 

I mean come on! When you've got a wife and children?

 

That means you put their wants and needs before your own.

 

They eat before you do.

 

They wear better clothes, have their wants and needs meet before you do.

 

The wife drives the 2009 Toyota Four Runner with the kids, and the man drives the 1974 Ford Maverick with the plaid interior seats held together with bailing wire, duck-tape, and a whole lot of prayer.

 

Friends?

 

Men don't have friends! They have "Buddies"

 

They have 'fishing buddies"

 

They have "hunting buddies"

 

They have "Baseball buddies"

 

They have "Football Buddies"

 

They have "Hockey Buddies"

 

They have "Golf Buddies"

 

They have "Drinking Buddies"

 

They seldom if ever intermix.

 

You cannot mix a "Golf Buddy" with a "Football Buddy"

 

Golf is not a 'contact' sport!

 

There's more "a foot" here when a man is willing to put his so called "best friend" before his wife and children?

 

That he's moved in with during a separation from the wife?

 

Factor in the drinking (aka ~ guilt) and gambling (Escape from reality)

 

His behavior isn't rational, sensible, nor logical?

 

There's more going on here than meets the eye?

 

Instead of looking for the OW? You might need to be looking for the OM?

 

It happens all the time!

[tojaz]

Does anyone know the answer to this? In North Carolina, can a parent mandate that as a condition of joint custody, the other parent must pass mandatory piss tests?

 

In following my sisters divorce, with child custody issues, it's my understanding that you can request whatever is necessary. The final terms are decided between the both of you, so if he has nothing to hide, shouldn't be a problem. If he outrighht refuses, the test is no longer necessary. You know hes hiding something!

Instead of looking for the OW? You might need to be looking for the OM?

Good, sounds like me and Trippi aren't the only ones that considered this!

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Good, sounds like me and Trippi aren't the only ones that considered this!

TOJAZ

 

*Nodding* Think that's probably what the other weekend was about, trying to prove something....I was not impressed at all (I'll just say that something happened that had never happened in 15 years....and leave it at that.)

[trippi1432]

*Fake it until you make it!!*

 

Lyrics to Love Don't Live Here :

by: Lady Antebellum

 

Well this heart of mine has been hardened like a stone

It might take some time to get back what is gone

But I’m movin’ on and you don’t haunt my dreams

Like you did before oh when I would curse your name

 

Well I heard the news that you were back in town

Just passin’ through to claim your lost and found

But I’m over you and there ain’t nothin’ that

You could say or do to take what you did back

Well you got nerve to waltz right in

And think what’s mine is yours again

 

Chorus

Cause I’ve been doin’ fine without you

Forgettin’ all the love we once knew

And boy/girl I ain’t the one who slammed that door

But now you say you’ve changed your thinkin’

But I ain’t got a heart for breakin’

So go and pick your bags up off my floor

Oh cause love don’t live here anymore

 

Well baby you can try to tell me how it is

And try to justify everything you did

But honey I’m no fool and oh I’ve been down this road

Too many times with you I think it’s best you go

Well I got one thing left to say

Is you can lay in the bed you’ve made

 

Repeat Chorus

 

Oh no that love don’t live here anymore

Oh no, no

Sugar no, no

And you don’t live here anymore

Love don’t live here anymore

And since you walked out of my door

Love don’t live here

Love don’t live here girl

Oh love don’t live here anymore

[tojaz]

Love that song! This was my theme song for quite awhile going through this.

 

Kerosene lyrics

by, Miranda Lambert

 

I'm waitin' on the sun to set cause yesterday aint over yet

I started smoking cigarettes there's nothing else to do I guess

Dusty roads aint made for walking, spinning tires aint made for stoppin'

I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me

 

I gave it everything I had and everything I got was bad

Life aint hard but it's too long to live it like some country song

Trade the truth in for a lie, cheating really aint a crime

I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me

 

Forget your high society, I'm soakin' it in Kerosene

Light 'em up and watch them burn, teach them what they need to learn HA!

Dirty hands aint made for shakin', aint a rule that aint worth breakin'

Well I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me

 

Now I don't hate the one who left

You can't hate someone who's dead

He's out there holding on to someone, I'm holding up my smoking gun

I'll find somewhere to lay my blame the day she changes her last name

Well I'm giving up on love cause love's given up on me

Well I'm giving up on love HEY love's given up on me

[trippi1432]

I LOVE Miranda Lambert

 

Picked out my guitar yesterday! http://www.ovationguitars.com/index.cfm?fa=detail&mid=2365

 

Pick it up in a couple of weeks.

 

For the past few months, my favorite Miranda Lambert song....had H watch The Burning Bed about 10 years ago....this became my new song when he told me a couple of months ago he felt like hitting me...again.....and he knows that it wouldn't be safe to shut his eyes ever again.

 

Lyrics to Gunpowder And Lead :

County road 233, under my feet

Nothin' on this white rock but little ole me

I've got two miles till, he makes bail

And if I'm right we're headed straight for hell

 

 

Chorus:

 

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun

Wait by the door and light a cigarette

If he wants a fight well now he's got one

And he ain't seen me crazy yet

He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll

Don't that sound like a real man

I'm going to show him what a little girls made of

Gunpowder and lead

 

It's half past ten, another six pack in

And I can feel the rumble like a cold black wind

He pulls in the drive, the gravel flies

He dont know what's waiting here this time

 

 

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun

Wait by the door and light a cigarette

If he wants a fight well now he's got one

And he ain't seen me crazy yet

He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll

Don't that sound like a real man

I'm going to show him what a little girls made of

Gunpowder and lead

 

 

His fist is big but my gun's bigger

He'll find out when I pull the trigger

 

I'm goin' home, gonna load my shotgun

Wait by the door and light a cigarette

If he wants a fight well now he's got one

And he ain't seen me crazy yet

He slap my face and he shook me like a rag doll

Don't that sound like a real man

I'm going to show him what a little girls made of

Gunpowder and lead

[tojaz]

I love Gunpowder and lead too. Most folks here know how I feel about folks that hit women LOL!

 

Sharp guitar Trippi, makes me wish I could still play. Thinking about buying a cheapie just to see if I can make myself do it. LOL

 

Speaking of songs, I just heard one called Unforgettable Heartache, by a very talented unknown with an incredible voice!! Wish I could remember her name.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

I love Gunpowder and lead too. Most folks here know how I feel about folks that hit women LOL!

 

Sharp guitar Trippi, makes me wish I could still play. Thinking about buying a cheapie just to see if I can make myself do it. LOL

 

Speaking of songs, I just heard one called Unforgettable Heartache, by a very talented unknown with an incredible voice!! Wish I could remember her name.

TOJAZ

 

Hmmm, sure I would have no idea who that is.....*coy*

[trippi1432]

Husband informed me that he doesn't want to talk anymore about the financial issues and he is getting better everyday...(like he was the one who was hurt?). Informed him that I didn't make this decision, he did but we need to talk about all the debt I have taken on since he left. The joint debt is around $30k, possible $50k if they include the timeshares in the marital property. The house and cars are not in the picture, nor is either of our personal credit card debt. This also isn't including student loans that I had during the marriage, which could be considered (I read somewhere that this can be included in debt distribution).

 

Huband claims that what he has verbally agreed to take on as child support should suffice for the extra debt (he's agreed to $300 every other week, but I really don't think I will see this very much)....his obligation would be around 35 to 40 percent since he has the lower income. The prenup protects the house, the 401k's and any pensions, it allieves either of us to spousal support/alimony. Another stipulation was that he contribute at least $1000 a month to the household budget which could be increased over time due to new debt that was incurred. That's pretty much all that is in there.

 

H gets very hostile when I bring up the joint debt. According to him, he is giving me everything and paying me more than what he thinks the CS would be anyway. I'm not trying to be greedy, but more than 80% of my check is going to pay all of the bills. Of his income, less than 40% is going to pay his truck and the CS he agreed to (half of that being his vehicle).

We got into a heated discussion the other night because he said he would buy our son some school clothes, child comes home with just shoes and a hat. I had to take him yesterday and buy him jeans and shirts so he would have something to wear since he has outgrown everything. H finally took him tonight and bought him a pair of jeans and a shirt.

 

Just wondering, somewhere in here aren't I supposed to have a life and be able to afford to take my son out for entertainment, buy him clothes and keep food on the table or are leavers just allowed to walk from their financial obligations as well as their families? Oh, and I also forgot, I am supposed to be "nice" in all of this....H says that I am nice one day and mean the next (mean when I am asking him if he is going to make good on his promises and if he is going to work on this debt...go figure).

 

See men, you aren't the only ones who get shafted.

[tojaz]

Don't let him get over on you. Child support does not count as debt repayment. If he agrred to the child suoort figure, debt should be figured seperately, thats my understanding anyways. Didn't have much of that mess in mine, pretty cut and dry. Lawyer time!!

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Don't let him get over on you. Child support does not count as debt repayment. If he agrred to the child suoort figure, debt should be figured seperately, thats my understanding anyways. Didn't have much of that mess in mine, pretty cut and dry. Lawyer time!!

TOJAZ

 

Yep, already emailed lawyer the debt details and will be paying the retainer next week. Had to rob my 401k to get that together and will now have to pay a tax penalty.

 

I asked my husband last night if he wanted me to file the SA and he said yes, go ahead, then I can give you even less money. Claims he already has a lawyer and can afford it....but still hem-hawing on getting his own insurance on his vehicle...he can't afford that. He's just so hateful talking about anything anymore these days. He's ticked because his sister told him that he would better off living with his mom than his friend...I told him that I agreed and that would be a better environment than around his friend. He can't even spend time with his son without this buddy with him...this man goes everywhere with them, even to the movies last night.

 

Last night I asked my son if he thought I was hateful (he wouldn't leave the room for us to talk) and he said he thought I was being hateful and didn't think his dad was. Later he changed that stance tho. *Shaking head* I have the opportunity right now to consolidate the debt and make the payment lower....get all of the joint debt paid off, then at least I would have a little extra to go do some things with the son...movies, bowling, guitar lessons....something for us. I was trying to show this to the STBX and his demeaner got hostile and hateful because I told him that we would have to look at the joint debt distribution if I do this and pay everything off. Now I am the bad guy because I am being "greedy" wanting him to take responsibility for these loans that he went out and got and I co-signed for. He is also mad because I am taking him off as beneficiary of all of the life insurance benefits. Of course, my defensiveness at his hostility is intrepreted as being hateful, I guess I should just go quietly into the night and make his life easier while he demolishes ours....or, better yet, be that weepy, groveling woman begging for help. Finances are a fact of life, they suck, but they exist and you have to deal with them whether he likes it or not.

[tojaz]

There is nothing your going to do that isn't going to make him angry. He's focusing all his energy into justifying his actions. Anything you do will be wrong, and hateful, and thats the story he's going to tell everybody else. Including your son. I was there, my wife hated me when I tried to convince her to stay and hated me more when i helped her leave! Don't try to come to an agreement with him, it isn't going to happen. Do whats best for you and your kids, and just let him fall in line.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

There is nothing your going to do that isn't going to make him angry. He's focusing all his energy into justifying his actions. Anything you do will be wrong, and hateful, and thats the story he's going to tell everybody else. Including your son. I was there, my wife hated me when I tried to convince her to stay and hated me more when i helped her leave! Don't try to come to an agreement with him, it isn't going to happen. Do whats best for you and your kids, and just let him fall in line.

TOJAZ

 

Well, my attorney told me to hold off on doing the consolidation and paying off the debt until we get everything on paper....meeting with her next week. In the end, if I pay off all the debt, I will get a "credit" on the joint debt distribution. The marital assets aren't that much, it's the per-marital assets that are going to be a bear considering we were together for 12 years before we got married. I have a feeling that the pre-marital and marital asset values are going to be a lot less than the joint debt so maybe that is a plus.

 

I think that he and I are at the point where the only way we can talk about any of this is thru mediation, since the other weekend when he initiated the backslide and then called off working on it, he has been angry one minute and nice the next...it has me ping-ponging around as well. Wasn't my idea, but he is the blamer and justifier...again, so far the only thing he has said is that "we" did this to ourselves....guess even crawling in that bottle doesn't clarify it for him either.

[trippi1432]

Wasn't my idea, but he is the blamer and justifier...again, so far the only thing he has said is that "we" did this to ourselves.....

 

Case in point, he still takes no blame in any of this...my fault for getting mad at him back in January and again in June (ummm, he blew up at me on that one). It only took those two fights to show him that he has no feelings for me what-so-ever. He also brought up a comment that I made 7 years ago when he was on the drinking binge with another friend...I made a comment that when our son grew up I would probably leave (I was so unhappy over his behavior....was hoping that would wake him up and fly right). As he has told me, he is moving on and I need to do the same. Still says he isn't seeing anyone, doesn't want to right now, but doesn't want to try anymore with me.

 

I have no idea who this souless person is anymore. I told him again, I am not taking the blame in this....he wanted to blame it on the jobs again...NO! He is responsible for his feelings, not me, not the job...he is responsible for how he controls himself and how he lets things get to him. That is what he needs to be working on, but he needs to be working on them without justifying that WE did this to US.

 

I wish we had never married, then I wouldn't have felt the pride I used to when he was a good man and I was his wife.

[trippi1432]

Just wondering.....at what point do you stop waking up in the morning crying?