Logik Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 You're right. Marriage is a choice. We choose to be with that person for the rest of our our lives. If one of them turns around one day and says they don't have the same feelings any more, that's a choice. If someone doesn't have any drive to save their marriage, that's a choice. They feel trapped because of the other person, that's a choice. It's all about choices, whether they know it or not. You have no control over someone else's choices, only yours. If someone says to you that they cannot be around you any more, what does that mean? Will the ground open up and swallow them if you are around? Will lightning strike them down if you're there? No. It's a choice they've made. It's the attitude they have towards the problems they've experienced. Nothing more. It's easy for him to put all the blame on you for this. Then he doesn't have to own his choices. You hear it time and time again on LS, people saying that you cannot change people's minds into coming back to you. They have to make the choice to come back. The same is true with making someone fall out of love with you. You can't do that. They have to make the choice to distance themselves emotionally from you for whatever reason they have in their head. Be strong and make the right choices for yourself.
tojaz Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Just wondering.....at what point do you stop waking up in the morning crying? I'll tell you when i get there. My divorce has been final for 2 months now, haven't seen her in person since early july and only talked to her once since then when it went final in early august. The emotions just flow through you like waves. Its not every morning that it hits hard anymore, but that sense of loss is always there, that first moment I open my eyes and realize it's a pillow in my arms. It's more the loneliness now though, it isn't so much her. Now that I'm sick, and hurt all the time, I realize how alone I am and I miss having someone, I loved being married, just the way i'm wired i guess. When i do get to missing her, I try to remember what I'd be getting back, once someone betrays your love and trust, it is very hard to rebuild. TOJAZ
PWSX3 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 My former wife blamed me for everything as well. Just like everyone has said; I feel it is a way for them to make it right in there own mind. It wasn't until my former wife started going back to church & reading the bible about marriage that she finally told me that she was sorry for what she did that yes she did have a part in the bad marriage. I told her I would except my part in the bad marriage but I would never except any part of the divorce, that was all her doing...... Tojaz, I really feel lot of times we miss the idea of the marriage, having someone around, it's not the person we miss. Being alone can be hard, but after hearing from some of those here that are alone & happy just shows me I am not happy with myself, I still need to work on me. If I "need" someone then I'm relying on someone else to make me happy.....
Author trippi1432 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 My H pretty much said again that it was our jobs and our arguing, so the best thing for me to do I to move on as that is what he is doing. He still wants to come and move the trees for me so I don't have to pay someone, but I feel the only way I can move on is to start over somewhere else. My grandmother is dying of Alzheimer's and when she passes (hospice states she has less than a montjh), my mother is moving to the mountains. Already valuating her home and searching real estate. I've decided I can't live here anymore. Too many memories and hurt. I plan on moving further south in 2010, start over again. Son is actyally happy about it as well.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Well, had the talk with the boss today...found out that I am up for some bigger projects and working at other companies will push me on my development, so this divorce is actually coming at a good time in my life....guess there are some upsides to your personal life falling apart...if they hold up their side. If I am lucky, I might be able to get a transfer to another subsidiary in about 4 to 6 months....how's that for moving on????? I know that the distance will definitely help me move on and open me up to new experiences....I think it will be good for the kid too, he is so wanting some change in his life.
tojaz Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Trippi, Sounds like your working your self back into a good place trippi. It's important to find some positive in your life with so much negative surrounding you. Reminds you of the good things that are out there and life after divorce. The relocating and bump at work will definitely help in those areas. Glad to hear the good news. :D PW, I agree with you about missing the idea of marriage, to an extent. There are times where I truly miss HER still, but yes most of the time anymore i just miss having someone to share my life with. I've always been the guy that took care of everyone else, the guy everyone turned to for help. I just miss that one person who wanted to take care of me for a change, especially now that i am so sick. Still, in the end you can only truly rely on yourself because that is the only person constant in your life, as we all know all too well. Sorry for the rant on your thread Trippi. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Trippi, Sounds like your working your self back into a good place trippi. It's important to find some positive in your life with so much negative surrounding you. Reminds you of the good things that are out there and life after divorce. The relocating and bump at work will definitely help in those areas. Glad to hear the good news. :D PW, I agree with you about missing the idea of marriage, to an extent. There are times where I truly miss HER still, but yes most of the time anymore i just miss having someone to share my life with. I've always been the guy that took care of everyone else, the guy everyone turned to for help. I just miss that one person who wanted to take care of me for a change, especially now that i am so sick. Still, in the end you can only truly rely on yourself because that is the only person constant in your life, as we all know all too well. Sorry for the rant on your thread Trippi. TOJAZ Thanks Tojaz! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they come thru with it....not expecting it to happen too soon, but it's something to look forward to. I know how you feel about taking care of everyone too....feel like I have been doing that all my life, only STBX was never there for me when I needed him. Left me in the hospital waiting room six months pregnant once with a severe bronchial infection. The nurses were going to rush me to maternity...didn't know what was going on. STBX went back home to sleep, told me to call him when I was ready to go home....sigh. Yep, when he digs for those knives....this one came up more than once. I always said that I hoped that I would be there the day he was on the floor having a heart attack so I could hold the phone 9 foot above his head.....evil I know. The only people I can count on to take care of me is my immediate family....something to be said about unconditional love. That's just hard to find in a husband or a wife anymore. If I were there, I would take care of you.....
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Thanks Tojaz! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they come thru with it....not expecting it to happen too soon, but it's something to look forward to. Sometimes having something to look forward to makes all the difference between flaming out and starting to move on. Besides, in this economy bosses don't throw false hope around all that much, unless there cruel. I know how you feel about taking care of everyone too....feel like I have been doing that all my life, only STBX was never there for me when I needed him. Left me in the hospital waiting room six months pregnant once with a severe bronchial infection. The nurses were going to rush me to maternity...didn't know what was going on. STBX went back home to sleep, told me to call him when I was ready to go home....sigh. Yep, when he digs for those knives....this one came up more than once. I always said that I hoped that I would be there the day he was on the floor having a heart attack so I could hold the phone 9 foot above his head.....evil I know. The only people I can count on to take care of me is my immediate family....something to be said about unconditional love. That's just hard to find in a husband or a wife anymore. UNBELIEVABLE!!!!:confused::mad: I would say more, but i would get banned. I am so sorry, what a selfish inconsiderate a$$!! If I were there, I would take care of you..... You are far too sweet, thats why I love LS ladies!! Although after what you shared above, if I were there, I would have some a$$ kicking to do! LOL TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 My former wife blamed me for everything as well. Just like everyone has said; I feel it is a way for them to make it right in there own mind. It wasn't until my former wife started going back to church & reading the bible about marriage that she finally told me that she was sorry for what she did that yes she did have a part in the bad marriage. I told her I would except my part in the bad marriage but I would never except any part of the divorce, that was all her doing...... I know exactly how you feel here....last night, talking to him, I asked him why do I have to hear that we brought this on ourselves...I asked him what part did he play....his answer..I don't know, blame it on our jobs. I knew he was stressed, I know I was stressed....but it wasn't the jobs. I finally just came out and told him that I am not going to sit back and the take the blame for our bad marriage, he needed to own up to his part in all of it, he controls his feelings and how things affect him...when you scream in someone's face, expect to screamed back at...if you yell at someone, expect to be yelled back at. Treat people with respect and they will treat you the same way, but if you disrespect them all the time in front of the kids, you get the life you live. Yes, he has done me a tremendous favor leaving my life....but it will never stop hurting....yes, I will always be remorseful for not having him in my life to share it with...that part kills me. But as I reminded him, he did this to us, brought us to this point and it was his choice to leave. He doesn't want to work on it...I can't force him, I can't make him be something that he isn't, a compassionate man who would love his family. He said again that he had thought about going to church but didn't want to go there alone....honestly, that would admit his failure. If he needs to find God, good for him, he did say that he felt spiritually empty, but I can't help him find that, he has to do it on his own. I still cried several times today.....I'm just waiting for that day that I can finally stop.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 UNBELIEVABLE!!!!:confused::mad: I would say more, but i would get banned. I am so sorry, what a selfish inconsiderate a$$!! It was extremely inconsiderate, a month later I sold my engagement ring, all of my furniture and my Gibson Electric Acousitc...rented a U-Haul and decided to move at 8 months pregnant (told you I had a story about that guitar). This was when we were going through the first Broo-haa Boozing days with drinking buddies. That was a very ugly situation, a bunch of miserable people messing around trying to break people up because they were all miserable. That is the way all of his drinking buddies are, they do not like to see him succeed, be happy. He is their entertainment...the lush that they can laugh at. He's still this way. Back in August I made an appt for out-patient surgery for this past Friday (Oct. 2nd). The doctor was on vacation the following week (which was a week we were going to take vacation...this week as a matter a fact). The procedure needed to be done on a Friday or I was going to have to take 2 days off of work and this was the earliest date they could do it. I caught Hades because I scheduled this on the Friday before vacation, I was being inconsiderate to his needs. I guess I was supposed to put my health in jeopardy until it was convenient for him. You are far too sweet, thats why I love LS ladies!! Although after what you shared above, if I were there, I would have some a$$ kicking to do! LOL TOJAZ Truly, it's just lack of compassion, he always says that he is a giving person...and in truth he can be very giving, just not to us for some reason and I have never understood it....like his son and I are the outsiders to his life.
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 I know exactly how you feel here....last night, talking to him, I asked him why do I have to hear that we brought this on ourselves...I asked him what part did he play....his answer..I don't know, blame it on our jobs. I knew he was stressed, I know I was stressed....but it wasn't the jobs. I finally just came out and told him that I am not going to sit back and the take the blame for our bad marriage, he needed to own up to his part in all of it, he controls his feelings and how things affect him...when you scream in someone's face, expect to screamed back at...if you yell at someone, expect to be yelled back at. Treat people with respect and they will treat you the same way, but if you disrespect them all the time in front of the kids, you get the life you live. Yes, he has done me a tremendous favor leaving my life....but it will never stop hurting....yes, I will always be remorseful for not having him in my life to share it with...that part kills me. But as I reminded him, he did this to us, brought us to this point and it was his choice to leave. He doesn't want to work on it...I can't force him, I can't make him be something that he isn't, a compassionate man who would love his family. He said again that he had thought about going to church but didn't want to go there alone....honestly, that would admit his failure. If he needs to find God, good for him, he did say that he felt spiritually empty, but I can't help him find that, he has to do it on his own. I still cried several times today.....I'm just waiting for that day that I can finally stop. Hes always going to blame it on anything and everything but the real cause, his own behavior! His own lack of compassion and dedication and respect to his vows. You have it right Trippi, it was his choice, while you may have had a part in the break down, we all do. He's the one that gave up, he's the one that let you down, and only he can fix himself. Let him take that responsibility, quit trying to do it for him. Don't talk to him about it unless he can be reasonable, otherwise your just hurting yourself. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Ok, here's something strange, I go on Facebook with a bunch of my friends from work. I'm not an overly religious person, I believe there is one God and too many religions for one of them to be the right one...but this was intriguing. One lady post an app called Messages from God, these have been my daily messages: Oct. 4th - XXXXX got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...... that it's OK. Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK. Oct. 7th - XXXXX got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...... that you've been driving yourself too hard lately. Sure, there is time to invest yourself fully into work, but there is equally important time for joyful ...resting. And for you, this time is now. What is the absolutely most wonderful little treat you can give yourself? Do it today. Oct 8th (today) - XXXXX got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...... that it's time to STOP going through the motions of living, and START living. Are you willing to do that now? Or are you going to wait until all life energy drains out of you and your loved ones who are trying to support you at this very moment? You were not born to follow rules and regulations. Living starts with dreaming. So dream, dream friend, and let dreams show you the path to your bliss. Uncanny!
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 A friend has been sending me horoscopes for quite a while, and i don't know where she gets them, but they are regularly very scary accurate! I don't know how these things work, or who writes them, but it's been fun. I've posted about my health troubles, this was this weeks, got it monday and have been going through tests all week! Cancer..Potential health problems are in your stars today so you need to get in touch with your body, or possibly your loved ones' well-being. The stars can give you direction, but you have to seek out your own way to heal. Once the problem is determined, the planets can help remove it.
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 A friend has been sending me horoscopes for quite a while, and i don't know where she gets them, but they are regularly very scary accurate! I don't know how these things work, or who writes them, but it's been fun. I've posted about my health troubles, this was this weeks, got it monday and have been going through tests all week! Cancer..Potential health problems are in your stars today so you need to get in touch with your body, or possibly your loved ones' well-being. The stars can give you direction, but you have to seek out your own way to heal. Once the problem is determined, the planets can help remove it. Wow! Wish I could find out where she gets it from, I would like to see Leo.
feelrealempty Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Wow got the best today from my mother::::: Embrace those who LOVE you and whom you love, and rid yourself of those who will bring you down................... it's simple yet meant so much................. Have a good night>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Wow! Wish I could find out where she gets it from, I would like to see Leo. http://my.horoscope.com/astrology/free-daily-horoscope-leo.html Leo>>> On a day like today, the more projects you have working for you, the greater chance you have of making more money. The window is open and all you have to do is line your prospects up and push them through. Multitask, and get as many things going at once as you can. (another good one)Cancer>>> The struggles of life make you strong. Without opposition, you would be weak and flavorless. Sometimes the struggle feels like it is overwhelming, but you need to get past that and embrace it. When you look back you may realize that getting there is the best part of the race. Wow got the best today from my mother::::: Embrace those who LOVE you and whom you love, and rid yourself of those who will bring you down................... Thats good advice for anyone! TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 http://my.horoscope.com/astrology/free-daily-horoscope-leo.html Leo>>> On a day like today, the more projects you have working for you, the greater chance you have of making more money. The window is open and all you have to do is line your prospects up and push them through. Multitask, and get as many things going at once as you can. (another good one)Cancer>>> The struggles of life make you strong. Without opposition, you would be weak and flavorless. Sometimes the struggle feels like it is overwhelming, but you need to get past that and embrace it. When you look back you may realize that getting there is the best part of the race. Thats good advice for anyone! TOJAZ Thank you! ;o) Today was the first morning I didn't wake up and cry. I almost did once but stopped myself. I know it's a long road, hoping the "forget him pills" keep doing their job, but I know each day is going to be a struggle. Hugs! Trippi - plus got about 5 projects going on at work today...whew! Good note, finally finished my class project that was overdue by a week....gotta get focused.
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Thank you! ;o) Today was the first morning I didn't wake up and cry. I almost did once but stopped myself. I know it's a long road, hoping the "forget him pills" keep doing their job, but I know each day is going to be a struggle. People get far too hung up on wether or not they cry or miss them, or feel sad. Thats not healthy for anyone. It will stop when it stops and until then you just have to let it run it's course. This isn't something that just goes away or that you can ever heal from fully. IF it was easy, I would be upset because it shows little respect for what our marriage meant to me. It's just something you learn to live with. I cried regularly when this happened, whenever a song by her favorite band came on, drove past a resteraunt we used t go to, or for no reason at all. Slowly it was just the song that has always reminded me of her that set me off, but it always did. Then one day I got to thinking about her and was sure i was going to cry my eyes out and just didn't! I still have bad moments, even cry once in awhile, but it gets easier. Cut yourself some slack trippi, if you need to cry, don't stop yourself, let it out! Bottled up emotions are just a way of torturing ourselves. Leo>>> On a day like today, the more projects you have working for you, the greater chance you have of making more money. The window is open and all you have to do is line your prospects up and push them through. Multitask, and get as many things going at once as you can. - plus got about 5 projects going on at work today...whew! Good note, finally finished my class project that was overdue by a week....gotta get focused. Sounds pretty accurate to me!! TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Was doing good until this afternoon, H text'd me and said he got the life insurance papers notarized (taking him off since I am traveling later this month). Then he texts me later and asked about Thanksgiving, he wants to know who has our son for that holiday. It hit me, this will be my first Thanksgiving alone. We don't think that my grandmother will make it to the holidays due to her Altzhiemers.....most of my friends at work have been laid off....it's like this whole year has just been ****. I want to change companies and move to one of our subsidiaries just to get away from it all, now my son is making waves about that. He was open to it a few weeks ago, but he doesn't want to leave his friends here. He doesn't want to live with his dad either. Good days, bad days....good minute, bad minute....will that EVER end???
Author trippi1432 Posted October 9, 2009 Author Posted October 9, 2009 Yesterday's horoscope: Sometimes it's the perimeters of our own environments that limit us. Although going somewhere new and starting over has its disadvantages, it also gives you the opportunity to start over fresh and sometimes that is all you need to change your life. See, I know that is what I need, a fresh start somewhere new...that's the only way I am going to be able to move on.
tojaz Posted October 9, 2009 Posted October 9, 2009 Good days, bad days....good minute, bad minute....will that EVER end??? No, thats called life! Yesterday's horoscope: Sometimes it's the perimeters of our own environments that limit us. Although going somewhere new and starting over has its disadvantages, it also gives you the opportunity to start over fresh and sometimes that is all you need to change your life. See, I know that is what I need, a fresh start somewhere new...that's the only way I am going to be able to move on. I don't know that this is true, but it could certainly help. Just getting all the reminders out of sight helps a lot. I have every picture that was hanging in "our" house stacked neatly in a room I never visit anymore. The place looks barren, but it is free of the triggers. If your not able to have a fresh start somewhere else, have a fresh start right there, redecorate, rearrange, paint the walls etc. It sounds simple, but it does wonders! TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 No, thats called life! I don't know that this is true, but it could certainly help. Just getting all the reminders out of sight helps a lot. I have every picture that was hanging in "our" house stacked neatly in a room I never visit anymore. The place looks barren, but it is free of the triggers. If your not able to have a fresh start somewhere else, have a fresh start right there, redecorate, rearrange, paint the walls etc. It sounds simple, but it does wonders! TOJAZ Yeah, I took the pictures down a couple of weeks ago....gave my mother the wall calendar of "Memorable Moments", took apart the wedding album and am giving that to my sister-in-law. Was going to take the wedding gown and accessories to goodwill, but sister-in-law talked me out of it for now...not that I am ever going to need it again. I've been "dismanteling" for a few weeks now, so I am trying to come to terms with it all...it still just hurts because I never thought I would here....in this place....in this situation. Even through all of the hurt and pain for all these years, I just hoped that one day he would wake up and see that I was an important piece of his life. I plan to repaint the house in a couple of weeks....mentioned that to my H and he got upset, said I was changing everything...not sure what to make of that since he had just told me he is moving on and I should too, so I take that as he is seeing someone now. My favorite movie is on right now, "The Mexican". My favorite line, I asked my H this a couple of months ago and he didn't know the answer: If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do they get to the point where enough is enough?
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Yeah, I took the pictures down a couple of weeks ago....gave my mother the wall calendar of "Memorable Moments", took apart the wedding album and am giving that to my sister-in-law. Was going to take the wedding gown and accessories to goodwill, but sister-in-law talked me out of it for now...not that I am ever going to need it again. I've been "dismanteling" for a few weeks now, so I am trying to come to terms with it all...it still just hurts because I never thought I would here....in this place....in this situation. Even through all of the hurt and pain for all these years, I just hoped that one day he would wake up and see that I was an important piece of his life. I plan to repaint the house in a couple of weeks....mentioned that to my H and he got upset, said I was changing everything...not sure what to make of that since he had just told me he is moving on and I should too, so I take that as he is seeing someone now. My favorite movie is on right now, "The Mexican". My favorite line, I asked my H this a couple of months ago and he didn't know the answer: If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do they get to the point where enough is enough? If two people truly love each other, they will find a way! Guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, but i truly believe that! Don't give up your memories Trippi, you'll regret it later. Keep the albums and the wedding dress, just pack it away, out of sight out of mind right now. Later on, when your stronger and the wounds have closed, your going to want those memories! For me anyways, while it hurts like hell, and I hate the way it ended, I wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world. The pictures, my ring, her letters and poems are part of my story and my life. Even if that part is over, I always want to remember it, because it made me who I am. Like I said, hopeless romantic! TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted October 10, 2009 Author Posted October 10, 2009 If two people truly love each other, they will find a way! Guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, but i truly believe that! Don't give up your memories Trippi, you'll regret it later. Keep the albums and the wedding dress, just pack it away, out of sight out of mind right now. Later on, when your stronger and the wounds have closed, your going to want those memories! For me anyways, while it hurts like hell, and I hate the way it ended, I wouldn't trade those memories for anything in the world. The pictures, my ring, her letters and poems are part of my story and my life. Even if that part is over, I always want to remember it, because it made me who I am. Like I said, hopeless romantic! TOJAZ Oh, that **** is going out the door tomorrow....things just got ugly as hell...and I had nothing to do with this...I was just verbally attacked in text messages that started out cordial and ended with I'm not paying CS until you pay for the SA...I ended with you aren't seeing your son until you pay CS. WTF?????
tojaz Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 Hes baiting you into a fight and playing with your emotions. Don't let him do that. Thats what lawyers are for! Next time just tell him you will forward that message to your attorney, he'll change his tune. TOJAZ
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