Author trippi1432 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Posted September 7, 2009 Marriage takes two people & it sounds like one has decided to give up. It is sad that some people just don't get it. Like tojaz said; you have given him more then enough chances to straighten up his life & he doesn't seem to want to. We can't change people, but we can ask if they would be welling to compromise & maybe work on themselves to just become a better person & sometime they just don't want to. It hurts no matter what side of the coin you are on, if you left or the one that got left. When you have time invested with someone you will always be part of them........Sounds like you have a plan & so stick to it & I wish you the best. Sorry things didn't work out but you never know this might be better in the end... Thanks PW.
tojaz Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 Thanks Tojaz, just to clarify, I'm not the leaver...he decided that he wanted to leave...I've just decided that I'm not playing the game anymore. It kills me that he can't put in the effort to work on the marriage, but his obsessions have always come first. I finally see where I stand in this relationship and I know that I deserve better than that. I know I need to change things about myself...this is the prime opportunity to work on me. I hope that he finds what he's looking for and I know that eventually he will want to come back home, I just don't have the trust in our relationship anymore to make that work. You can only forgive and accept so many times before you finally just numb your heart. I can tell you, once a spouse becomes a leaver...they will keep doing it. One little thing and they will leave again...that's no way to live or work on a marriage when someone can use that against you so they can walk all over your heart. From the many stories I've read on LS, yours included, there are a lot of people who deserve better than what they have gotten from their leavers. Sorry Trippi, don't know where I got all jumbled up. Long night last night. Everything else rings true though and you have a very good attitude about it all. Thats the best thing that somebody in this situation can ask for. Once the trust is broken, it is very hard to get it back, yet nothing else will stand without it. TOJAZ
ryepatch Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 i'm sorry, too, didn't mean to imply that you were the leaver. i guess when someone leaves, comes back, leaves, wants to come back but the left behind spouse won't let them, it gets confusing.
silverfish Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 ''i guess when someone leaves, comes back, leaves, wants to come back but the left behind spouse won't let them, it gets confusing. '' I've been in this situation, and you're right, it is confusing. I wish sometimes I could put my story into 2 paragraphs, and be able to summarise what happened. I was in a similar situation to Trippi, and especially when you have children, sometimes you can try too hard to make things work. I am not saying that giving up on someone is the right thing to do. If they give up on your relationship and you though? What choice do you have but to end it, because they won't do it, or can't do it. I don't believe that the person who ends the relationship is always the wronged party. Sometimes there is no other choice, because you've tried everything, and they won't try anything.... I've even had someone say to me (a relate counsellor actually) that it may better for one person to be unhappy in the family (me) and just accept the way things are, than for my ex and kids to be unhappy by the separation.... After a lot of talking it came down for me to two basic requirements for us to remain together, and one was for him to cut down on drinking (just cut down!), another was to take a job nearer to us with less hours (and less money / status). He wouldn't - just wouldn't, no question.... Ergh, sorry for butting in but sometimes I wish he had just left me and had done instead of messing with me for so long. ''But I do know what it feels like to never get that reason, that closure...'' Yes, i know that feeling too, as do so many people on here. I still don't know really how to get over that...you don't want it to keep consuming you.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 9, 2009 Author Posted September 9, 2009 Thank you Silverfish....either way you go, it's one day at a time and a whole lot of emotional ups and downs. Rye/Tojaz - No problem, thanks again for posting. Ex and I are down to email wars now.....have you ever seen a plane crash and burn? That's about how this all feels.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 11, 2009 Author Posted September 11, 2009 Each day is getting a little easier...the less I have to see him, the better I think I am getting. Meeting with attorney tomorrow to file SA.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 So, met with attorney....prenup good...no issues there. Next step is to move to the SA but have to come up with a lot more money. Luckily we are only dealing with 3 married years (in my state, they do not recognize common law)....So trying to work on that. Attorney was a little upset about husband pawning the wedding and engagement rings, stated that those were my separate property...what the "Hay", he probably needed the money for a gambling fix. My husband's family calls me, they are confused and not happy about what is going on, my husband won't tell them anything...My sister-in-law wants us both to watch the movie Fireproof, but so far my husband hasn't mentioned it to me...I'm thinking OW is going to come out of the closet soon or (God forbid) an OM? Hey, those things happen...after all he and his drinking buddy joke about Broke Back Mtn and spooning all the time.... So, I am working on me....going out with friends (yes, "rolling eyes", joined the divorced woman's club at work). Those ladies are hilarious and it's good to laugh again. Knowing that I need to work on a lot of pent up anger and frustration from over the years, I've decided to start going to Al-Anon meetings so I can learn never to fall for an alcoholic again, make ammends to myself for now so I can move on. I know I need to do this for our son as well...I know there is going to be some anger from him to deal with as time goes on. He's already mentioned that he hates giving up every other weekend with his friends and having to back out of school events. He feels guilty if he doesn't spend that time with his dad, but he said the funny thing is, when his dad was home, he and his dad didn't spend time doing stuff together anyway. The fact is, he's right on that and that is sad. I think that the next couple of years are going to be interesting to see what type of bond they form since our son is at that age where boys want to break away and become their own person. At any rate, time marches on......
tojaz Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 or (God forbid) an OM? Hey, those things happen...after all he and his drinking buddy joke about Broke Back Mtn and spooning all the time.... that was awesome!!!!! LOL You sound good Trippi, doing all the right things and with a good attitude! Keep it up! TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 that was awesome!!!!! LOL You sound good Trippi, doing all the right things and with a good attitude! Keep it up! TOJAZ LOL!! Hey, crazier stuff has happened... In my state, I can sue for alienation of affection and criminal conversation up to 3 years after the divorce is final (or the sep date...gotta look into that further)....that would be a heck of a case if it is an OM!
Author trippi1432 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Had a wonderful night out with a friend tonight....found out that there is a whole world out there that I didn't know about after a 15 year relationship...wow!! I didn't even care about coming home to an empty house because it's my house and I have the whole bed to myself!! Selfish I know...LOL!! Listened to an absolutely talented guitarist...God, I love a man who plays guitar..it's the sexiest thing in the world!! Anyways, I still have my emotional ups and downs...still cry at times, but I am learning that addiction falls on both sides of the fence, but I am learning to get over my addiction to him. I know I have a long road to haul...one day at a time. Thanks to all that are listening, it really helps.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 that was awesome!!!!! LOL You sound good Trippi, doing all the right things and with a good attitude! Keep it up! TOJAZ Alright Tojaz....now I am really starting to wonder about this....son came home tonight and let me know that his dad is taking him and the drinking buddy to the beach...staying at the same place that we went for my birthday a couple of years ago...hmmmm. This is really starting to get interesting. His "buddy" informed me the weekend we split up (before the split), that he knew my husband's heart better than anyone else ever would. Now if that had come from a female friend, an alarm would have gone off. I'm beginning to wonder if my life just took a Jerry Springer Wrong Turn!! Ok, if they were going to do a movie of my life, I would have to say Goldie Hawn or Kate Hudson would play me.
PWSX3 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Listened to an absolutely talented guitarist...God, I love a man who plays guitar..it's the sexiest thing in the world!! If you like guitarist, if you get a chance listen to Tommy Emmanuel, you can also look on youtube. I have seen him live a couple times & he is amazing.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 If you like guitarist, if you get a chance listen to Tommy Emmanuel, you can also look on youtube. I have seen him live a couple times & he is amazing. WOW!! He IS amazing!! I could sit just sit with a glass of wine and listen to that all night.....beautiful....his technique is so soulful. I was surprised at first...expecting lyrics, but it is just so peaceful and relaxing just hearing him play an electric acoustic. I wish I could play like that, unfortunately, I've always been vocals. I used to have a Gibson electric acoustic...I miss that guitar...too expensive to replace now. Stupid me bought an Ibanez several years ago but just got too busy to learn how to play, finally gave it to my daughter earlier this year. LOL!! Listening to House of the Rising Sun...totally expected the rendention my guitar instructer tried to get me to learn years ago....OMG!! Is that how it is supposed to sound!!!???? I was totally missing the mark. Too funny! I know I can't play for shizzzzz! You can tell he has been using that guitar for that song for a while with the rub marks! Amazing!! The guy I saw the other night was a local favorite, Jamie Carroll. He's on My Space and You Tube....his lyrics are really good but I think that he's better live on the playing...he just really gets into his music live, what I heard was much better than these videos. One song on YouTube is I Don't Wanna Know...ck the video @ Whiskey River....Great song, but much better done acousitc though...think the band made it too "commercial".
PWSX3 Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Glad you liked it, I've seen Tommy three times live & the more the crowd gets into it the better he plays. I had friends go that play guitar & were just amazed at what he can do.
tojaz Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Alright Tojaz....now I am really starting to wonder about this....son came home tonight and let me know that his dad is taking him and the drinking buddy to the beach...staying at the same place that we went for my birthday a couple of years ago...hmmmm. This is really starting to get interesting. His "buddy" informed me the weekend we split up (before the split), that he knew my husband's heart better than anyone else ever would. Now if that had come from a female friend, an alarm would have gone off. I'm beginning to wonder if my life just took a Jerry Springer Wrong Turn!! Ok, if they were going to do a movie of my life, I would have to say Goldie Hawn or Kate Hudson would play me. OK, only one person on the board is going to get this but, he definitely sounds like the only gay in the village! I don't know what to say Trippi, that is a very wierd thing for his "drinking buddy" to say. I hope some other guys chime in here, because I'm clueless as to what that means other then a brokeback moment! LOL:laugh: More evidence, KATE HUDSON!! He must be gay!, not that theres anything wrong with that. TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 OK, only one person on the board is going to get this but, he definitely sounds like the only gay in the village! I don't know what to say Trippi, that is a very wierd thing for his "drinking buddy" to say. I hope some other guys chime in here, because I'm clueless as to what that means other then a brokeback moment! LOL:laugh: More evidence, KATE HUDSON!! He must be gay!, not that theres anything wrong with that. TOJAZ It's definitely a strange situation, but I think if that is what is going on...I'm fine with it...to each their own. I do have mixed feelings about them "coming out" if they ever do and that IS what is going on, wondering how our son would take it. Our son has already said that the neighbors think that they are gay because two guys living there....but you know, that is just labels. People just love labels... Several weeks before we split, we had a dinner party that included his "buddy" and they actually had me crying at the dinner table over all their "nobody gets us but each other" and "you don't know the life we have lived" talk. It just upset me so much, like I was being pushed out of my relationship with my husband.....stupid me, I just didn't realize that he had ended the relationship a long time ago and was just going through the motions. Oh well....water under the bridge. Going to a Divorce Care support group meeting tomorrow night and staying with Al-Anon so I can keep working on putting things behind me. Some people have asked me why I am continuing with Al-Anon since we are no longer together....I think it's good to recognize why I was so angry in this relationship and I know this is why I stopped participating in family cookouts, children's birthday parties....etc....just used work and school to not be at these events because I knew what I would have to deal with it at the end of the night. He pointed out that I was unsociable and no fun anymore at the end of our relationship...what he forgot is that I asked him repeatedly not to drink so much because I was the one who had to deal with it and it wasn't good for our son to see him so soused. In truth, the last year and half I had just been so depressed due to all the misery, chaos and disrepect that I completely forgot that people are powerless when it comes to alcohol. I couldn't fix him....I forgot that it wasn't my job to fix him as well. I've learned that he was right to leave, and that I will be much better off.
PWSX3 Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 plus it might just help you learn to keep away from people like that or help you figure out why you attract that type of person. Good for you, get out there & learn, enjoy life again.....
Author trippi1432 Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 plus it might just help you learn to keep away from people like that or help you figure out why you attract that type of person. Good for you, get out there & learn, enjoy life again..... Thanks PW, that actually started out as my original intentions as well. Once I got there, I also realized that I could work thru my anger, not just at him for not being able to control it, but at myself for putting up with it for as long as I did. Getting better everyday.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 I don't know what to say Trippi, that is a very wierd thing for his "drinking buddy" to say. I hope some other guys chime in here, because I'm clueless as to what that means other then a brokeback moment! LOL:laugh: TOJAZ I laid out that same scenario tonight at Divorce Care, about what the buddy said...an older gentleman in the room made almost the same comment as you did....definitely strange.
PWSX3 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 I'm just glad I don't have a drinking buddy that talks that way to me, I would be worried...... Hope you liked DC class. Everyone is different but I met some good people there & learned a lot. I think my first time we had 15-20 people.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 It was interesting, I joined right around the greiving phase....almost thought I needed that...but I think that I am going to hit a wall at the end and go through greiving then. A half day of emails and a 2 hour conversation with the STBX affirmed that. For a week that started out good, today was a really bad, long and hard day.
Author trippi1432 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 Another thing that I realized tonight, I need him to remind me what a callous bastard he is so I can to continue to be the bitch I know I am when dealing with inferior intellect. Empathy!! How f'ing hard is that...I'm having a bad day...I'm sorry honey, what can I do to make that better, I listen to you, I try to understand, give you advice and affirmation that you are better than that, encourage you to better yourself....him...find something else to do, I'm tired of listening to you. What do I get from him today, sorry....I didn't put you and the kids first...I've learned from this relationship and will do better in my next one. Me? Interpretation - Thank you Ms. Robinson...same f'ing s*** my first ex did...this is a man who knows me enuf to hurt me to my core and gets his rocks off on it. Sorry, ranting...don't even know why I care....don't want to...hitting rock bottom, but the only way is up from here. Maybe I need to stay away from Al-Anon and Divorce Care...it opens up wounds I'm not ready to heal yet...I don't know...I'm so f'ing confused right now. How can you love and hate someone so much in the same breath....what do I do to make men love me, then hate me enuf to leave and do better for themselves??? Why can love trangress to the next level? I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I had to become to sustain life and moving forward in it.
tojaz Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 I'm just glad I don't have a drinking buddy that talks that way to me, I would be worried...... It would sure keep me from getting drunk around him! :confused: TOJAZ
Author trippi1432 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 oh, we hung up on that 2 hour conversation on that not...hope you and the d*** are happy....God!! I'm awful...must have hit a sore spot...no pun intended......trying to find my sense of humor. Only thing that saves me from opening a vein.
tojaz Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Another thing that I realized tonight, I need him to remind me what a callous bastard he is so I can to continue to be the bitch I know I am when dealing with inferior intellect. Empathy!! How f'ing hard is that...I'm having a bad day...I'm sorry honey, what can I do to make that better, I listen to you, I try to understand, give you advice and affirmation that you are better than that, encourage you to better yourself....him...find something else to do, I'm tired of listening to you. What do I get from him today, sorry....I didn't put you and the kids first...I've learned from this relationship and will do better in my next one. Me? Interpretation - Thank you Ms. Robinson...same f'ing s*** my first ex did...this is a man who knows me enuf to hurt me to my core and gets his rocks off on it. Sorry, ranting...don't even know why I care....don't want to...hitting rock bottom, but the only way is up from here. Maybe I need to stay away from Al-Anon and Divorce Care...it opens up wounds I'm not ready to heal yet...I don't know...I'm so f'ing confused right now. How can you love and hate someone so much in the same breath....what do I do to make men love me, then hate me enuf to leave and do better for themselves??? Why can love trangress to the next level? I hate me, I hate my life, I hate what I had to become to sustain life and moving forward in it. The love and hate are for two different people. You love the man you married, the man you thought you had, but you hate what he has become. Loving the memories but hating the reality. Don't hate yourself or anything else about yourself due to what another has done. All we can control are our own actions. If this is what he wants to be then your better off with out him, let brokeback gallolp of into the sunset. You'll be better for it. TOJAZ
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