Husband Home - working on relationship

[trippi1432]

Ok, haven't posted in a while, the past week had been agonizing, but progress made. My husband gave me an early birthday present and came home last night. We do think that this was a mild MLC, but luckily, no OW's....which is good since it would have definitely been over.

 

At any rate, we have made sincere promises to treat each other better. I think we both learned through this experience that we have to work together on this marriage and our love over time will change, but it doesn't mean the passion is dead. We are still going to see a MC together but I would attribute one session with a Divorce Busting Coach, the Save My Marriage e-book and learning more about mid-life crisis to very good resources for both learning how to keep the marriage intact as well as how to get through the bad times together. Going through these threads helped me find those resources and I am so thankful to all those who posted. I'm also going to educate myself more on OCD and how I can help my husband make life a little less overwhelming, thanks to OP3 for his post as well.

[tojaz]

Great news Trippi, couldn't be happier for you! Any details/advice you can share with those of us not so lucky? Keep us posted and let us know how things go. wish you both the best!! :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

That's good news Trippi, guess that expensive divorce busting coach was worth every penny after all hey?!

 

Let us know how you get on. All the best.

[Gunny376]

That's great news!

 

Now your aware that a marriage needs daily, weekly and monthly maintenance in order to keep it running and healthy.

 

You know that, but what about the husband?

 

80% of college graduates haven't read a non-ficitional book cover-to-cover since having graduated.

 

Only 3% of the American population even posses a library card, let alone use it.

 

That is to say, (especially men) few will take the time, effort, and energy to read a self-help book about relationships, marriage, etc.

 

They may buy them ~ but few ever read them.

[trippi1432]

That's good news Trippi, guess that expensive divorce busting coach was worth every penny after all hey?!

 

Let us know how you get on. All the best.

 

Hi Lisa,

 

Thanks, DB was expensive...I could only do the one session, but she did good to open me up to effectively communicate with my husband. Instead of defending myself when I had to see him that day I talked to her, I listened to him....really listened to what he was feeling. I admit, it was hard to hear some of the things he was saying and I had to wrestle with myself if either of us should be back in this relationship. But it opened the door. He even told me a few days later that he was shocked about the change, so different from the few days before.

 

The thing is, we have to continue working on it and not let things get back to the way they were before AND let go of the past. That has been one of our biggest issues is bringing up everything from the past when one of us gets hurt. Thanks to Save My Marriage Now, I know how to deal with that and know how to deal with my feelings if he goes there to bring the issue back to the current issue and not the past.

 

Again, I will say, had an OW been involved all bets would have been off. I know I couldn't forgive and forget that one. I was still finding out about my ex-husbands infidelities five years after our marriage ended...sigh. And he was horrible in bed!!

[trippi1432]

That's great news!

 

Now your aware that a marriage needs daily, weekly and monthly maintenance in order to keep it running and healthy.

 

You know that, but what about the husband?

 

80% of college graduates haven't read a non-ficitional book cover-to-cover since having graduated.

 

Only 3% of the American population even posses a library card, let alone use it.

 

That is to say, (especially men) few will take the time, effort, and energy to read a self-help book about relationships, marriage, etc.

 

They may buy them ~ but few ever read them.

 

You are so right on this, you have to read the material and apply it to make it work. My husband is actually better about reading material than I am, which is pretty ironic considering I am almost finished on my first MBA and he has a GED.

 

Another irony, self-help books can also attribute to the demise of a relationship that has little problems. It really depends on the person and how they apply the knowledge. I've seen women in happy marriages ruin them due to reading a self-help book and think that something was missing.

 

The things is, apply self-help to yourself....if it's positive, the relationship will benefit from it and grow.

[trippi1432]

Great news Trippi, couldn't be happier for you! Any details/advice you can share with those of us not so lucky? Keep us posted and let us know how things go. wish you both the best!! :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

TOJAZ

 

Thanks Tojaz, keep the faith, but more than that....keep living and work on bettering yourself....for YOU, not anyone else. One of the realizations that I have had about all of this is that he and I weren't happy with ourselves, much less each other. We brought up the past hurts way too much, I've learned to wipe the past 15 years clean and get on it.

 

Good luck to you, but remember moving on isn't the end of the world if that is what is needed. The more you honestly learn about yourself the more you will bring to a future relationship that can make you happy.

[Gunny376]

Well the trick is to use what you can use, and leave the rest.

 

The important thing is learning how to think outside the box. Be creative, and open one's eyes to other possibilities and different perspectives.

 

Too many people shut down learning at a certain point in their lives failing to understand that its a life long process.

 

Everything you've learned before at a certain point in your life, is just a foundation for everything you've yet to learn.

[trippi1432]

Well the trick is to use what you can use, and leave the rest.

 

The important thing is learning how to think outside the box. Be creative, and open one's eyes to other possibilities and different perspectives.

 

Too many people shut down learning at a certain point in their lives failing to understand that its a life long process.

 

Everything you've learned before at a certain point in your life, is just a foundation for everything you've yet to learn.

 

Ah, Gunny! Again you show your genius. Learning is a life process. When you stop learning, you stop living. Been my philosophy for more than 2 decades.

[trippi1432]

Wow, a little over a month and I am back! LOL!! Let me set the record straight, and I will first apologize to the opposite sex....this guy will and and always be a first-hand A-hole!! He came back, spent a week being nice and then slowly fell into his old habits. Alienation of affection, coniving money out me, borrowing money from friends and expecting me to pay it back for him. He really went overboard this time and raped our bank account for $1000 at the first of the month to go gambling....and he claimed that it was his money....supposedly I was fronting him his money from his paycheck that he hadn't earned yet and didnt' bother consulting me about. I had to push bills to his paycheck now, that he claims he is going to give to me...going to have to beat him to the bank to collect it.

 

I've got my individual bank accounts set up and a transfer of funds ready to go at 6am tomorrow. He moved back in with his drinking buddy on Monday night after I reamed him a new A-hole for screwing our finances over. He started making nice yesterday because he wants me to pay a bill for him tomorrow. I'm playing nice until I get that money back and then I am closing the joint account and cutting off his cell phone. He wants his freedom...he's got it, now let's see him pay for it. As my father keeps reminding me, I married beneath my station so I am taking my so-called superficial and materialistic self to the "screw you, it's all about me" attitude. He claims he is going to pay child support...I know that will be a cold day in Hades before I see anything. In the meantime, I get to pull myself out of financial burden on the joint loans. He is really good at walking away from his financial obligations. I cried a little the first day or so, but hating him is so much easier now. I just want him out, his cheap crap out of my house and him out of my life.

 

This "buddy" of his almost broke up my brother-in-law's marriage a few years ago. They gave him his walking papers, but I can't lay all the blame on him. It's truly my husband's fault for being so stupid that he alienates his family for partying and getting trashed. I'm just glad that I have a prenup on the house, pension and 401k and a freetrader agreement on the house as well. While my heart may be stupid and gullible, my head is firmly set on making his life a living Hell now. I'm trying to find out if he can demand half of the household goods since he moved out. He wanted me to sell the mower and plugger today. Not sure how the property division is going to work on those items, but if I have to sell off the furniture, tools, appliances...etc, I've got a housefull of goods that I am selling for a mere quarter...of course I have to split that with him which I am more than happy to do. Wondering too, joint accounts should be split as well in addition to child support.

 

Stick a fork in me, I'm done with this crap!

[Gunny376]

Well the solution is simple.

 

Find a dear, close, guarded friend that you can trust, and sell them for a dollar all the things that you don't want him to get in a divorce case, have them sign a receipt and have them all put it in storage.

 

He's going to pay child support one way or the the other. In most of the Southern states if you don't pay child support? You lose your driver's, fishing, hunting license (and any other licensed to practice law, nursing, medical, etc.

 

I married when I was young, dumb and just plain ignorant. (I just didn't know any better at the time).

 

And I too married below my station in life. But at the time? I was still in the process of becoming who I was to become. (Am becoming?)

 

I actually thought everyone viewed life as I did?

 

That everyone sought knowledge for knowledge's sake?

 

I too believed that when one stopped learning? They started dying.

 

I've never got gambling?

 

I like playing poker!

 

On my computer (Not on-line)

 

Or 'Penny-poker' ~ but its the same as playing Spades or Gin Rummy.

 

I work too damn hard for my money!

 

I might do it for the sake of entertainment?

 

But that's it! I guess I've taken too many statistics classes?

 

I would suggest you go hang out at Barnes and Nobles for your next BF.

[Gunny376]

This is turning into a very intense and indepth thread!

[PWSX3]

I am very sorry trip to hear the news. It is always good to hear when couples get back together but most of the time when one or the other wants back so soon they are up to something.

 

Something I learned in my classes is; it takes a long time for someone to walk away from a marriage & it takes a LONG time to get it back together & just moving back in together isn't the answer.

 

I wish you the best, sounds like you are going to be a lot better off but I do understand it is hard.

[LisaUk]

Hi Trippi

 

Nice to see you, but not under these circumstances of course.

 

Sorry to hear it's all gone pear shaped again.

 

Peotect yourself and your children, keep posting, we're listening.

[trippi1432]

Thanks everyone for listening to me rant...Got some advice from a lawyer today to list anything that he takes tomorrow that is considered marital property. By doing this, I can prove to the judge that he has already taken his "fair share" from the home. In addition, he is responsible for half of those joint accounts; however, making him pay them is the hard part. Even with a separation agreement, creditors do not have to honor them...someone is expected to pay them. Guess that will be me, the responsible one.

 

Shut off the cell phone today. I had the most helpful young lady at the wireless place help me with this, she was so helpful and very devious to boot. LOL!!

 

Now, does anyone have any advice for a quicky divorce? Wondering if I can file the divorce papers in February of 2010 since that is the first tiime he officially moved out of the home. Does the divorce clock restart everytime you reconcile and try to make things work? I've heard that you can go to other states to obtain a quick divorce, just not sure if that is legal in my state.

[trippi1432]

I am very sorry trip to hear the news. It is always good to hear when couples get back together but most of the time when one or the other wants back so soon they are up to something.

 

Something I learned in my classes is; it takes a long time for someone to walk away from a marriage & it takes a LONG time to get it back together & just moving back in together isn't the answer.

 

I wish you the best, sounds like you are going to be a lot better off but I do understand it is hard.

 

Thanks PW, and you are right about something being up. I really think that he came back so soon because he missed the comforts of home, not us. Something I have never understood about my husband is his perception of "family". His mother, sister, brothers, nephews, cousins, aunts.....etc (you get the picture) ARE his family. His son and I are, to him, outsiders. Even his drinking buddy is considered family before we are. He is at their beck and call but if we ask for his attention/affection/change a lightbulb, we are too demanding of his time.

 

My husband is a totally different person when he is around his childhood buddies, outsiders cannot be in their world. Only "they" know what they have been through, only "they" can relate to each other. It almost reminds me of the movie The Outsiders, the Greasers vs the Socs.

 

I guess it has taken him this long to realize that I will never be the type of girl he knew from his childhood. I will never have 9 children, do drugs and be on welfare for the rest of my life (not trying to insult anyone or pick on them, some people find themselves in that situation and try to help themselves, for that I give accolades). I have always known what I wanted out of life, I work for a living, continue to development myself by furthering my education and make every attempt to break "glass ceilings" at the company I work for. This is how I was raised, go get the things you want out of life instead of letting life get the best of you. These things that he used to love about me are now what he hates. What he saw in me 15 years ago, his words, was that I was a provider...not some woman who wanted to sit around on the couch and watch soaps, I worked. Now that is too complex for him.

 

At any rate, the marriage coach, self-help..etc that I sought help with previously really attempts to teach women to be manipulative and vulnerable by "making nice". When I first listened to the techniques and the coach I couldn't help but think...can I really do those things...that is so not me....marriage is hard, but it's even harder with severe personality conflicts and when you are dealing with a man with an extremely low emotional IQ. Add to that the fact that to please him you much take 100% responsibility for everything and he gets to come and go as he pleases, do only the things he wants to do and is allowed to make promises he doesn't have to keep...that's not a marriage.

 

To be honest, the only thing we were ever compatible at was sex. They say when that goes, the marriage suffers even more. Several weeks ago I asked to be added to his My Space page. He had me on there at one time but deleted his account due to his nephews bothering him. He put his account back up a year ago but I had deleted mine until recently. He would not add me...this made me suspicious. In the end, he claims to have deleted his account again which now I know that he is/was hiding something. Eventually everything will come out, I was still finding out about my ex-husband's infidelities years after we divorced. Ending a marriage is hard...but I will be much better off considering the H*ll I've been through with this man.

[trippi1432]

I would suggest you go hang out at Barnes and Nobles for your next BF.

 

Hi Gunny, I can tell you, I have a very long list of requirements now!

[trippi1432]

Hi Trippi

 

Nice to see you, but not under these circumstances of course.

 

Sorry to hear it's all gone pear shaped again.

 

Peotect yourself and your children, keep posting, we're listening.

 

Thanks Lisa. Setting up the separation agreement next week. I'm using an attorney that one of my friend's husband used. She got the short-end big time due to this guy, figure I better have the best on my side before he gets him (not that he can afford his fees).

 

Stay tuned, I plan on listing a trilogy of "Lessons Learned".

[trippi1432]

Ok, I've been doing really good, have barely cried this time...sticking to my guns that this is finally over. Husband came over yesterday to get the rest of his personal things. Set him straight on the tangible goods he shouldn't touch, mower, plugger, pressure washer...etc since I am taking on his share of the financial responsibilities. I also informed him that I meeting with an attorney to draw up the separation agreement.

 

In truth, I acted like a total b**** while he was here because I didn't want him to think I was being sincere about anything. That sincerity got him to come back home the last time in which he told me upon leaving this time that he came back because he "felt sorry" for me. I DO NOT need his pity.

 

My son and I had a great day yesterday despite the fact that his father came over to clear out the rest of his stuff. After he left, my son and I went shopping for a new TV for the living room since his dad took that. Got a great deal on a 46" Sony Bravia Z LCD (half price) so I also got Rockband for the kid...he's been wanting that forever. At any rate, we had fun putting all the electronics together, moving the kid into the room downstairs (the Man Cave as we call it here) and playing Rockband all evening. Before he went to bed, he got a little weepy missing his dad (he's 14), but all in all, he's doing ok. The other night he asked me if it was finally done because he was getting tired of his dad moving in and then moving out.

 

At any rate, I'm still getting those emotional lows here and there. I just keep telling myself you are going to get those...after all there is 15 years of history here...more bad than good it seems. I'm enjoying the fact that there is less tension in the home, my son and I can relax and do what we want to do without being yelled at or criticized. I can be on the computer when I want to be, get my school work done when I want to without having to plan around my husband's social life or having to put him to bed because he's gotten drunk and is peeing in the backyard in front of the neighbor's again...sigh. I know I have to just keep concentrating on these good things to keep moving in the right direction to happiness and concentrate on the bad things when I feel weak. Last night I kept thinking...eventually he's going to want to do the dinner thing and talk...am I strong enough for that yet?

 

Sure enough, my mother-in-law's phone number pops up in my phone this morning so I answered it....it's the husband. He wants to go to dinner Tuesday night and talk....put things on paper he says. I interrogate a little further to find out what he really wants...he says that I will always be his wife but maybe we just need this separation for a while. He sold our rings, got a whopping $45 for them...LOL!! I don't want a public scene, I know this event will either end in anger or emotional outbursts....I'm done with talking, it just needs to be over. I've told him that I will think about it and let him know. I'm also recalling that we have a scratch-off ticket for some restaurant promotion, most likely that is where he is going to suggest...forever the obsessive gambler. I think our son and I will go there tonight for dinner and use that ticket ourselves.

 

At any rate, I've heard that his drinking buddy he is staying with plans to move back to his home state, too much "drama" here...now there's some irony....LOL!! That's all well and good, but being that this is the 3rd time in 15 years that I have had to put up a "home-town" drinking buddy coming into our marriage and my husband becoming a selfish idiot, treating his son and I like outsiders, the emotional abuse, the alienation...it's just not worth it. There will always be another instance as long as there are drinking buddies because my husband doesn't know how to control himself. I was reading up on Al-Anon last night and determined, while I have tried everything not to be an enabler, I will always be an enabler because that is position I was dealt in this relationship. By divorcing, I will completely take myself out of the enabler position and can get back to a normal life.

 

I also realize that I am harboring in this relationship too. I did good to put all of the years of hurt behind me when I finally made up my mind that I would marry this man. I thought that he had finally changed after the last drinking buddy incident...he really started working on putting our relationship and his son first. But now that this has happened again, the pain of the other incidents run their course as well and I realize that an alcoholic is not able to put anything other than the alcohol first in their life. Letting go is the only choice.

[trippi1432]

Wow, guess I bored everyone....sigh...so is my life.

[ryepatch]

you didn't bore us. . . it's just that a lot of us on here were the left-behind spouse. it sounds like you've given your husband a lot of chances to change, though. i guess what i wish from my wife, and what we all wish from the people who are trying to divorce us, is that we would get a clear and unambiguous ultimatum. . . what would have to change in order for them to take us back. i guess i feel like everyone owes that to their spouse.

 

your husband would obviously have to change a hell of a lot. . .

 

just try not to do anything out of revenge. unwanted divorce is hell enough, even if we do deserve it.

 

gambling and drinking are a bad combo. . .

 

it's admirable that you gave him that second chance, and kind of unbelievable he blew it in the way he did.

 

didn't mean this to sound harsh. . . just that it seems like a majority of people in this forum want their spouses back no matter what.

[tojaz]

Wow, guess I bored everyone....sigh...so is my life.

 

Not bored Trippi, you just seem to have it all figured out.

I've been mister marriage cheerleader since day one on LS and that hasn't changed much as one who was left behind. I've followed your threads and posted in the first go round. You are one of the rare leavers that did all she could to save her marriage. You forgave and accepted. You put the work in to try and save it. A lot of us where not given that opportunity myself included. Her mind was made up the second she said she wanted out.

 

She was a walk away, you stood for your marriage until there truly was nothing left.

 

Be strong for you and your son Trippi and keep us posted.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Marriage takes two people & it sounds like one has decided to give up. It is sad that some people just don't get it.

 

Like tojaz said; you have given him more then enough chances to straighten up his life & he doesn't seem to want to.

 

We can't change people, but we can ask if they would be welling to compromise & maybe work on themselves to just become a better person & sometime they just don't want to.

 

It hurts no matter what side of the coin you are on, if you left or the one that got left. When you have time invested with someone you will always be part of them........Sounds like you have a plan & so stick to it & I wish you the best. Sorry things didn't work out but you never know this might be better in the end...

[trippi1432]

you didn't bore us. . . it's just that a lot of us on here were the left-behind spouse. it sounds like you've given your husband a lot of chances to change, though. i guess what i wish from my wife, and what we all wish from the people who are trying to divorce us, is that we would get a clear and unambiguous ultimatum. . . what would have to change in order for them to take us back. i guess i feel like everyone owes that to their spouse.

 

your husband would obviously have to change a hell of a lot. . .

 

just try not to do anything out of revenge. unwanted divorce is hell enough, even if we do deserve it.

 

gambling and drinking are a bad combo. . .

 

it's admirable that you gave him that second chance, and kind of unbelievable he blew it in the way he did.

 

didn't mean this to sound harsh. . . just that it seems like a majority of people in this forum want their spouses back no matter what.

 

I understand Rye, I did want my husband back a month ago....I was right here with everyone else wondering what do I need to change about me to win back his love. I got "lucky" and he told me what he wanted in marriage counseling. He wants to feel the same way about me that he did 15 years ago, but I don't know what else to do to make him feel that way. I made myself assessible to him, I tried to get him to dance with me in the kitchen like we used to do, and I gave him space when he needed it. I made him feel wanted and needed and he walked all over that...he gave me nothing in return because it was all about him.

 

At any rate, I am the left behind spouse.....again. And it tears my heart out, so this time, I'm just guarding it and moving on with my life. The first loves are always the hardest, my first love left me in the most horrible way....I was such an emotional trainwreck that I almost couldn't function for my daughter. It has taken me a very long time to learn to give my heart again...so much for that.

 

But I do know what it feels like to never get that reason, that closure...I never got it from my first love. He stole away leaving me stranded at my second job and not knowing just where our 2 year old daughter was. When I finally got home, I found a note on the table saying he was sorry but he just couldn't live like this anymore but he still loved me....that still haunts me today.

 

Our daughter is 22 now and does not speak to him. I get both Mother and Father's Day cards from her because I had to take on both roles in her life since he not only divorced me, but her too from his life. He went on to the be man I needed in my life to his next two wives, but he couldn't be that with me. I guess I make a pretty good doormat....sigh.

[trippi1432]

Not bored Trippi, you just seem to have it all figured out.

I've been mister marriage cheerleader since day one on LS and that hasn't changed much as one who was left behind. I've followed your threads and posted in the first go round. You are one of the rare leavers that did all she could to save her marriage. You forgave and accepted. You put the work in to try and save it. A lot of us where not given that opportunity myself included. Her mind was made up the second she said she wanted out.

 

She was a walk away, you stood for your marriage until there truly was nothing left.

 

Be strong for you and your son Trippi and keep us posted.

TOJAZ

 

Thanks Tojaz, just to clarify, I'm not the leaver...he decided that he wanted to leave...I've just decided that I'm not playing the game anymore. It kills me that he can't put in the effort to work on the marriage, but his obsessions have always come first. I finally see where I stand in this relationship and I know that I deserve better than that. I know I need to change things about myself...this is the prime opportunity to work on me. I hope that he finds what he's looking for and I know that eventually he will want to come back home, I just don't have the trust in our relationship anymore to make that work. You can only forgive and accept so many times before you finally just numb your heart.

 

I can tell you, once a spouse becomes a leaver...they will keep doing it. One little thing and they will leave again...that's no way to live or work on a marriage when someone can use that against you so they can walk all over your heart. From the many stories I've read on LS, yours included, there are a lot of people who deserve better than what they have gotten from their leavers.