Hysterical Bonding- A Phase ?

[taylor]

She wouldn't confess to her own husband. She never wanted to leave her marriage to begin with.

 

But somewhere down the road she may do just that. What if she and her husband decide to really work on their marriage. They get into MC and she confesses the affair. It's what most here on LS suggest couples do to save their marriage.

 

Who knows what the MW's H would do. He still could find out though, if NS's wife wants to tell him and talk to the MW.

 

Yes, either woman could tell the BH. But I doubt it will be NSs wife because he has already made it clear to her that the BH is dangerous.

 

But if NS steps out on her again at any time, she may just want to make a call.

[Ariadne]

She wouldn't confess to her own husband. She never wanted to leave her marriage to begin with.

 

Not really:

 

I met a local woman who right from the start was my equal, the attraction was instant and we began a torid physical and emotional affair, she was everything i was ever looking for, the exact woman i should have married, she is also married and is not happy and wants nothing more than to leave her husband and be with me

[taylor]

Probably is more angry with himself and right now it's easier to throw his anger out towards her since he is dealing with the fallout and D-Day at home. I dunno..Just a guess. Hopefully he'll answer when he's back.

 

You doing OK taylor?

 

I'm fine, WWIU. Thanks for asking. Don't mean to come off argumentative. Truly not my desire.

 

But you know, as do others, how I grappled with withdrawal for months after the EA ended, trying desperately to find ways to rid myself of feelings for the OM. I wanted so much to hate him so I could move past him.

 

And this BS (NotSure) seemed to "get over" his affair partner in a blink of an eye. At first he appeared indifferent to her..and now angry or resentful..or at least irritated at her.

 

It makes me wonder if he is somehow blaming her for his wrongdoing since he is projecting negatively about her. If he is, he needs to own his mistakes and not blame her for them. And if he isn't, then I wonder why so negative toward the OW now.

 

I guess the other thing that bothers me is he never apologized to the OW for pursuing her as a means of "escaping" his marital problems. I think they BOTH owed each other a civil apology as human beings.

 

I know you and I disagree about this WWIU.

 

But from my own painful experience, the end of the affair would have been so much easier to lay to rest had my OM offered that small bit of civility to me. Even tho I am the MW, I offered it to him. He never offered it back, but chose to fall off the face of the earth.

 

It's funny you mentioned buried feelings. My MC said most likely the OM never "returned the favor" because it was too hard to get the words out..that he chose to bury the feelings rather than express them or acknowledge them.

 

The way I look at it is I took responsibility for hurting someone I had no business getting involved with..and I apologized to that human being.

 

I think everyone deserves that civility.

[confusedinkansas]

Originally Posted by NOTSURE7

I met a local woman who right from the start was my equal, the attraction was instant and we began a torid physical and emotional affair, she was everything i was ever looking for, the exact woman i should have married, she is also married and is not happy and wants nothing more than to leave her husband and be with me

this is good - Thanks for doing the homework for the rest of us.

 

How is it that these emotions have been turned off like a water faucet? How is it that this other woman's feelings have done the same?

 

I do find this very interesting~ from someone who's had an affair ~ & very much as heated as this one NS had...You most definitely do not turn off the feelings JUST LIKE THAT! Perhaps over time - but not this quickly.

 

NS - I believe you are caught up in the moment of seeing your wife so distraught that you have turned your anger on the other woman. As if it's her fault the affair happened in the first place.

But, as I have said before - Once the dust settles - WATCH OUT!

[confusedinkansas]

 

I guess the other thing that bothers me is he never apologized to the OW for pursuing her as a means of "escaping" his marital problems. I think they BOTH owed each other a civil apology as human beings.

 

To be civil - Sure....But apologize to each other - No way! I personally say let bygones - be bygones. Say your good-byes - if that's what you need (closure) but to sit & apologize to each other.......

 

For what?? - For good times, for fond memories. Seems silly to me.

[NOTSURE7]

The ow isn't your concern or worth the energy to think of her. You have a big enough mess that will require every ounce of time and energy you possess to clean up. Let her figure it out, she's a big girl. Let her put on the big girl panties and get on with her life.

 

this is exactly my point..and i am sure she is getting on with her life...

[NOTSURE7]

NS,

 

Just out of curiosity...

 

Did you ever have any feelings for this OW?

 

I mean, you risked your marriage to be with her. You lied and betrayed your wife to be with her. You told her you loved her and you had sex with her (I'm presuming more than once). You were ready to ditch your marriage for her.

 

Did she not have SOME redeeming qualities? Was there not something about her that you liked?

 

You sound almost irritated or resentful towards her. Why?

 

Did she do something to piss you off?

 

I am only asking because you seemed to do such a quick about face...one minute calling her a soulmate..the next minute acting like you are ticked off at her.

 

When I had an EA with a coworker whom I had known for one year, it was very difficult to "kill" the feelings for him. Withdrawal was horrible. NC was the only thing that helped me move past it.

 

My EA surely ended, but I never thought ill of the OM for having an affair with me. We were in it together. We hurt each other and only had ourselves to blame...not each other.

 

I recall calling you "fickle"...similar to another poster accusing you of "flip-flopping." I think it's because it's hard to believe that a human being could get so intimately involved with another person...and two weeks later feel absolutely nothing.

 

i have to be honest and i know it seems cold and to some fake but i really am not feeling it,i dont know if its the fact i was in a complete fog or maybe it was really just all about sex at the end of the day but i am not feeling that withdrawl.

 

i do not blame her at all but when i look back i do see her as part of something i am not proud of, we were in it together and it ended and to me thats it.

 

i am not resentful,in fact i was the one who in the end put it to rest,she didnt do anything,it was just time to end it and focus on myself and my life, i just dont want to be a cheater all my life and i need to fix myself and my M and the only way was to completely end this A.

[NOTSURE7]

From what I can remember, the OW is a MW, and has no plans on leaving her marriage either.. Also, the NC played a part in why he has been more detached from the OW/MW, and probably coming clean and seeing his wife's reaction woke up alot of feelings inside of him for his wife..

 

It is possible that lust/sexual attraction/attention was mistaken for love and deep intimate feelings. It wouldn't be the first time a MM changed his views on what he felt for his OW.

 

i agree with this...also remember i was never going to leave my W for the ow,from day 1 i told the ow that and i never ever wavered from that,i made her no promises ever.

[NOTSURE7]

then he will fail. he needs a different connection with his wife. wanting the SAME connection with the other woman will only get him comparing her to the OW.

 

i am not at all trying to have the same relationship with my w,but i will say that i am in my search for happiness within myself and my m letting my W know things that i like and things i was never able to open up to her about,this is not just sexual,so yes i am making changes but in no way am i trying to have the same relationship with my w that i had with the ow.

[pkn06002]

Sorry NS but I don't buy what your saying, I know better personally. If you do rebound watch out because you are setting yourself up for a nasty ride.

 

But if you are truly capable of turning your emotions on a dime like this your a scary person that I would not want one I know involved with.

 

One interesting observation:

I do find the support from whichwayisup interesting and it all seems to be on the fact you are saying what a BS wants to hear.

[NOTSURE7]

I agree with this PKN.

 

But the question is: What is he basing this anger, resentment, irritation, on? What is the SOURCE or REASONING behind these negative feelings.

 

Did the OW do something to provoke these negative feelings he has toward her? Or is he just conjuring up "fake" negative feelings for her?

 

I ask only because I desperately wanted to be angry..to hate..my OM. I said to myself often that I could "get over" him so much faster if I could get mad at him or hate him for something. But for what?

 

Not being able to find a reason to be angry at him or to hate him prolonged withdrawal.

 

So, I am curious about what this OP did to instill negative feelings inside of himself about a woman he recently called his soulmate..someone he recently said he was ready to leave his marriage for.

 

It's one thing to acknowledge the affair was wrong and to right the wrong. It's a whole other thing to be angry, resentful, irritated at a person who was doing the same thing you were doing. or to blame them for your wrongdoing. Not sure what the case is here.

 

i am not angry at the ow,i am not irritated by her, i am just done with her and the A,i know everyone wants me to be in withdrawl and oining for her but i am not, this isint something i am creating,its just the way it goes in my mind,we had an A, it served the purpose, i almost lost everything as result and now its time to fix me and my M so it never happens again,as far as the ow, she has a family and an H and she need to right her ship too.im sorry if it dosent fit the mold but i really dont care what or how she is doing or how its going with her H.its not my business anymore and i have alot i need to take care of within myself and my m.

[NOTSURE7]

Probably is more angry with himself and right now it's easier to throw his anger out towards her since he is dealing with the fallout and D-Day at home. I dunno..Just a guess. Hopefully he'll answer when he's back.

 

You doing OK taylor?

 

i am more angry with myself and i no longer want to live the life i have been living,again i am not angry at the ow,we both knew what we were doing,maybe she is collateral damage as i am mad at myself for the life i have lived and that i let it go on for so long.

[NOTSURE7]

But somewhere down the road she may do just that. What if she and her husband decide to really work on their marriage. They get into MC and she confesses the affair. It's what most here on LS suggest couples do to save their marriage.

 

 

 

Yes, either woman could tell the BH. But I doubt it will be NSs wife because he has already made it clear to her that the BH is dangerous.

 

But if NS steps out on her again at any time, she may just want to make a call.

 

i beleive at this point my w realizes that this is between me and her and the ow has absolutely nothing to offer this,i know everyone likes the drama of the bs calling one another but i dont see the need, its just more drams and crap and it serves no purpose..i did this to my w and my m and i am at home working on myself, my m with my w and doing what it takes to right the ship.

 

so yes the ow may someday confess to her h, who knows,she had already been in mc and ic while we carried on the a and she mentioned nothing to her therapist or her H,maybe she does tell him one day, i dont know and i am not going to live my life worrying about it, i have enough going on in my life that needs my full undivided attention and i cant live with what if's..

[NOTSURE7]

I'm fine, WWIU. Thanks for asking. Don't mean to come off argumentative. Truly not my desire.

 

But you know, as do others, how I grappled with withdrawal for months after the EA ended, trying desperately to find ways to rid myself of feelings for the OM. I wanted so much to hate him so I could move past him.

 

And this BS (NotSure) seemed to "get over" his affair partner in a blink of an eye. At first he appeared indifferent to her..and now angry or resentful..or at least irritated at her.

 

It makes me wonder if he is somehow blaming her for his wrongdoing since he is projecting negatively about her. If he is, he needs to own his mistakes and not blame her for them. And if he isn't, then I wonder why so negative toward the OW now.

 

I guess the other thing that bothers me is he never apologized to the OW for pursuing her as a means of "escaping" his marital problems. I think they BOTH owed each other a civil apology as human beings.

 

I know you and I disagree about this WWIU.

 

But from my own painful experience, the end of the affair would have been so much easier to lay to rest had my OM offered that small bit of civility to me. Even tho I am the MW, I offered it to him. He never offered it back, but chose to fall off the face of the earth.

 

It's funny you mentioned buried feelings. My MC said most likely the OM never "returned the favor" because it was too hard to get the words out..that he chose to bury the feelings rather than express them or acknowledge them.

 

The way I look at it is I took responsibility for hurting someone I had no business getting involved with..and I apologized to that human being.

 

I think everyone deserves that civility.

 

this is silly,we had an A whcih served eachothers purpose, it is over and needed to end for both our sakes,we dont owe eachother long drawn out apologies.

[NOTSURE7]

this is good - Thanks for doing the homework for the rest of us.

 

How is it that these emotions have been turned off like a water faucet? How is it that this other woman's feelings have done the same?

 

I do find this very interesting~ from someone who's had an affair ~ & very much as heated as this one NS had...You most definitely do not turn off the feelings JUST LIKE THAT! Perhaps over time - but not this quickly.

 

NS - I believe you are caught up in the moment of seeing your wife so distraught that you have turned your anger on the other woman. As if it's her fault the affair happened in the first place.

But, as I have said before - Once the dust settles - WATCH OUT!

 

lol, nobody can beleive that i am over the ow and the A,it amazes me that because i dont have all this drama that nobody can beleive it.

 

so here it goes again, i am over the ow,i am over the A, i need to get on woth my life and fix myself and my m and find the true happiness i want in my life, i will not stop until that happens no matter where that leads me but i will say it again this A is over and the ow is no longer a part of my life,the dust can settle anywhere it wants because it wont change a thing.

[NOTSURE7]

Sorry NS but I don't buy what your saying, I know better personally. If you do rebound watch out because you are setting yourself up for a nasty ride.

 

But if you are truly capable of turning your emotions on a dime like this your a scary person that I would not want one I know involved with.

 

One interesting observation:

I do find the support from whichwayisup interesting and it all seems to be on the fact you are saying what a BS wants to hear.

 

you are entitled to your opinion and i respect that..there will be no rebound,i am taking care of myself now, i am not telling my w what she wants to hear, i am truly working on myself and finally opening up to my w and letting her know who i am and who i want to be. i will no longer live as an impostor in her world and that is where i am at.

 

so call me scary, and i am sorry if i am not fitting the typical mold of a wh who should be pining over the ow and going through withdrawl, its just not there, i will say the withdrawl was there when my ow first said goodbye to me back at the beggining but that was because i wasnt ready and it wasnt on my own terms.call it harsh but when we came back together and i decided it was time to end it i felt it was on my terms and that i needed to get on with my life without this A or the ow..

 

i am not saying what a bs wants to hear, i am not catering to anyone,i am telling your the true honest feelings that are going on inside my head.

[pkn06002]

lol, nobody can beleive that i am over the ow and the A,it amazes me that because i dont have all this drama that nobody can beleive it.

 

so here it goes again, i am over the ow,i am over the A, i need to get on woth my life and fix myself and my m and find the true happiness i want in my life, i will not stop until that happens no matter where that leads me but i will say it again this A is over and the ow is no longer a part of my life,the dust can settle anywhere it wants because it wont change a thing.

 

I get the impression your playing another part, just a different one than the affair one. Your too matter of fact about the situation, like throwing out an old shoe. Which I can understand a BS would like to hear.

 

Why do we(WS) not believe you, because we all have been through it. The withdrawal for a WS does follow a pattern just as an affair does.

 

But then again you maybe the exception to the rule or just really good at burying your feelings or you just used the OW for your needs. We don't personally know you so who really knows the truth.

[confusedinkansas]

lol, nobody can beleive that i am over the ow and the A,it amazes me that because i dont have all this drama that nobody can beleive it.

 

so here it goes again, i am over the ow,i am over the A, i need to get on woth my life and fix myself and my m and find the true happiness i want in my life, i will not stop until that happens no matter where that leads me but i will say it again this A is over and the ow is no longer a part of my life,the dust can settle anywhere it wants because it wont change a thing.

 

OK - so - we'll/I'll (guess I can't speak for everyone) cut the crap/drama.

Our questions are pretty valid though - How do you turn your emotions on & off like a switch?

 

So, you're over her & you're moving on....I'm really happy for you - Honestly - (I am a believer that marriages CAN & DO SURVIVE these things) I think that the majority of us are just warning you that things will most definitely change once the dust settles at home. And it will & you'll get into your day-to-day routines again.

 

For the most part- on both threads - many people were spot on with what would happen.

[NOTSURE7]

I get the impression your playing another part, just a different one than the affair one. Your too matter of fact about the situation, like throwing out an old shoe. Which I can understand a BS would like to hear.

 

Why do we(WS) not believe you, because we all have been through it. The withdrawal for a WS does follow a pattern just as an affair does.

 

But then again you maybe the exception to the rule or just really good at burying your feelings or you just used the OW for your needs. We don't personally know you so who really knows the truth.

 

again i am not saying what a bs wants to hear at all, i have repeatedly said this, even when i talk to my w i am open and honest and tell her things i need and who i am and things that we need to work on together to make us strong, i dont beg or grovel or tell her what she wants to hear,yes i comfort her and i say i am sorry but i am not just placating her or anybody else.

[pkn06002]

you are entitled to your opinion and i respect that..there will be no rebound,i am taking care of myself now, i am not telling my w what she wants to hear, i am truly working on myself and finally opening up to my w and letting her know who i am and who i want to be. i will no longer live as an impostor in her world and that is where i am at.

 

so call me scary, and i am sorry if i am not fitting the typical mold of a wh who should be pining over the ow and going through withdrawl, its just not there, i will say the withdrawl was there when my ow first said goodbye to me back at the beggining but that was because i wasnt ready and it wasnt on my own terms.call it harsh but when we came back together and i decided it was time to end it i felt it was on my terms and that i needed to get on with my life without this A or the ow..

 

i am not saying what a bs wants to hear, i am not catering to anyone,i am telling your the true honest feelings that are going on inside my head.

 

Ah finally something that makes sense.

 

You wanted to be the dumper not the dumped. Now I can understand your statements. As long as things are on your terms you can walk away from someone. You did truly did just use the OW, how nice.

 

You are saying things a BS wants to hear, every statement about how the OW means nothing is music to a BS's hears. Now if you are doing it on purpose I don't know, I don't believe you are it is just working out that way.

 

It is good you are looking out for what you want and are communicating it. Hope you are listening as well as talking though. Because that statement that I quoted could show some arrogance about how you want the world to be for you. You sound a lot like me in the fact you seem to have no remorse the affair is a fact it happened life moves on.

 

Just curious what if your wife does not want to meet the needs of the new you, what are your going to do? I mean you are what 2 weeks from D-Day what if she decides to become the "normal" BS and rants and raves demanding monitoring etc....

[NOTSURE7]

OK - so - we'll/I'll (guess I can't speak for everyone) cut the crap/drama.

Our questions are pretty valid though - How do you turn your emotions on & off like a switch?

 

So, you're over her & you're moving on....I'm really happy for you - Honestly - (I am a believer that marriages CAN & DO SURVIVE these things) I think that the majority of us are just warning you that things will most definitely change once the dust settles at home. And it will & you'll get into your day-to-day routines again.

 

For the most part- on both threads - many people were spot on with what would happen.

 

i 100 % agree that when routine sets in and all the post dday stuff becomes less that i have to be on guard,that is why i am working hard at making the neccesary changes, i will stay in ic and mc as long as it takes and i will contimue to talk to my w and make sure we do everything neccesary to stregthen ourselves and our m for the longhaul..

 

my emotions are turned off because i no longer want that in my life..

 

so i am not discounting what you are saying and i understand, i have cheated in the past so i know i must keep my headlights on at all times but all i am saying is that this A is over and this ow is gone from my life.

[whichwayisup]

this is silly,we had an A whcih served eachothers purpose, it is over and needed to end for both our sakes,we dont owe eachother long drawn out apologies.

 

Exactly. Putting any energy or thought into the exOW is pointless now, it serves no purpose whatsoever. She owes you nothing and you owe her nothing..

 

You're on a better path right now, so only focus on your wife and recovery.

 

I'm glad that counselling is going to happen, NS!

[NOTSURE7]

Ah finally something that makes sense.

 

You wanted to be the dumper not the dumped. Now I can understand your statements. As long as things are on your terms you can walk away from someone. You did truly did just use the OW, how nice.

 

You are saying things a BS wants to hear, every statement about how the OW means nothing is music to a BS's hears. Now if you are doing it on purpose I don't know, I don't believe you are it is just working out that way.

 

It is good you are looking out for what you want and are communicating it. Hope you are listening as well as talking though. Because that statement that I quoted could show some arrogance about how you want the world to be for you. You sound a lot like me in the fact you seem to have no remorse the affair is a fact it happened life moves on.

 

Just curious what if your wife does not want to meet the needs of the new you, what are your going to do? I mean you are what 2 weeks from D-Day what if she decides to become the "normal" BS and rants and raves demanding monitoring etc....

 

it was never about being the dumper, it was about being ready to end this A for the right reasons..the ow ended it for a bit but it was just for show and she emailed me everyday so essentially it never really ended, then we were back together and my sisters divorce,my refelction on my life,my thoughts of being like my dad,my intense guilt and coming on here for advice that i should confess all caught up to me and it was time to end this A and end the relationship with the ow, otherwise i could never make a change and be true to myself.

 

so yes of course i am listening and my w has had many valid things that she is lacking from me and i have vowed to work on these things and make them better.

 

if my w dosent want to meet the needs of the new me then that would mean she dosent want the real me and therefore it will not work, i mean i cant at this point go back to being an impostor and doing all of the things i was doing, i want to be able to be myself and be happy within my m.

 

if she wants to monitor me then she has that right, i have already made myself accountable and i have told her she is welcome to any monitoring she wants,i want to live a life with nothing to hide,that is my point ,so if i have nothing to hide why would i care about her monitoring me.

[NOTSURE7]

Exactly. Putting any energy or thought into the exOW is pointless now, it serves no purpose whatsoever. She owes you nothing and you owe her nothing..

 

You're on a better path right now, so only focus on your wife and recovery.

 

I'm glad that counselling is going to happen, NS!

 

i already have begun ic and it was helpful,mc next week and i gave permission to my ic to talk with the mc so the proccess will work together.

 

i agree, nothing is owed, i dont get why everyone thinks there should be apologies,long drawn out drama,other spouses included etc etc,the fact is i am trying to fix myself and my m, if the ow wants to do the same she should,i served her purpose and she served mine, now its time to move on.

[pkn06002]

it was never about being the dumper, it was about being ready to end this A for the right reasons..the ow ended it for a bit but it was just for show and she emailed me everyday so essentially it never really ended, then we were back together and my sisters divorce,my refelction on my life,my thoughts of being like my dad,my intense guilt and coming on here for advice that i should confess all caught up to me and it was time to end this A and end the relationship with the ow, otherwise i could never make a change and be true to myself.

 

so yes of course i am listening and my w has had many valid things that she is lacking from me and i have vowed to work on these things and make them better.

 

if my w dosent want to meet the needs of the new me then that would mean she dosent want the real me and therefore it will not work, i mean i cant at this point go back to being an impostor and doing all of the things i was doing, i want to be able to be myself and be happy within my m.

 

if she wants to monitor me then she has that right, i have already made myself accountable and i have told her she is welcome to any monitoring she wants,i want to live a life with nothing to hide,that is my point ,so if i have nothing to hide why would i care about her monitoring me.

 

See I am giving you so much grief because you are doing the same things I did. Almost to a tee. So I don't find your statements to ring totally true, because I have been there.

 

I too threw myself into working on the marriage partly to get past my xOW and to live the life I wanted. I too did not grovel etc....

 

If you are truly over the OW good deal, I was not as lucky. But based on what you are saying, you could rebound. If you do it is OK it is part of the process.

 

But good luck to you what ever the outcome.