Should i Stay?

Hi all, i have been reading posts for awhile and have been trying to find ones that fit my story..i have read some great advice so i decided to post my story here in hopes that i can get some real,honest good hearted advice, i know there will be people who will view me in a negative light but i am hoping that overall i can get good perspectives and thought provoking advice.

i know this is a long story but it all needs to be told so that i cna get the proper advice...

ok here goes, i will be married 11 years in june,we have 3 small children ages 9,6,4,we are on the surface the typical suburban family,we do everything together,my wife is the typical housewife,just happy with her life,loves being a stay at home mom,loves being married and truly loves and adores me.i in turn love and adore her and to the outside world we are perfect.my wife and me are complete oposites,i know i married the wrong type of girl for me but at a certain time in my life i needed things and she was there..11 years later i am seeing the differences and knowing that i should have chose someone different,,now of course there is no such thing as perfect so i will tell you why..

my life has always been a battle, mostly self caused,i was brought up in a fairly loving environmet where everything was always on the fly,sort of chaotic but it worked, my mom and dad are married a long time, when i came from collge it began to unravel and i relaized alot of it was a lie and that my father had cheated on my mom and she had found a note that he wrote saying he loved this woman,well they got through it and she sort of turns a blind eye these days...fast forward now and here i am 36 years old.

when i moved into my parents fresh from college, i had alot of needs as i had just realized my childhood was a lie, i met my wife and we dated and then got married at age 25, about 3 months after marriage i went to a friends wedding and after drinking alot which is not an excuse i slept with another woman, i never told my wife about this and life went on,we had our first child,then she caught me gambling and i swore i would stop and the marriage continued,we had another child and i was buiding my business,to her it was still a fairy tale,the i found the internet sites and i met a local woman and we began an almost 4 year emotional online affair,we were consumed by eachother and got along amazingly, i felt alive,we decided to meet and professed our love for one another,but when push came to shove i was not reasy to leave my wife and family for this woman and as soon as we met and she pressured me i broke it off, we ended up speaking again 6 months later but it never went anywhere, my wife never ever knew,i never slept with this woman but we did kiss and have other foreplay.so just at the same time i was ending it my wife caught on to yet another gambling loss,i had been trying to recover and make money good for 6 years and finally it all caught up to me and we went through a rough patch but stuck through it.

amazingly not long after this i posted on a married website and met a local woman who right from the start was my equal, the attraction was instant and we began a torid physical and emotional affair, she was everything i was ever looking for, the exact woman i should have married, she is also married and is not happy and wants nothing more than to leave her husband and be with me, in my head i want tobe with her badly but again this feeling of guilt and connection and the need to take care of my wife and children and not abandon ship takes over.

this brings me to present day, me and this other woman talk all day everyday, when i am not with her i am thinking about her,if i am home and i get the chance i write her,we are together physically and mentally, i belive she is my true soulmate and i often wonder why she was brought to me at this point in my life..

ok so here is what i need help with, i know that i have never ever lived an honest day in my life,my wife is living a dream but in reality its a night mare,the thought of telling her i am leaving her is sickening to me,i want to take care of her,she needs me and the kids would be devastated, i cant and wont end it with this woman unless she ends it with me,i need her in my life..my wife has no idea,there have been some near misses but i always explain things away, recently we were away and ll i could think about was this other woman, she makes me feel so alive,she gets me and i can picture being with her forever but the guilt and emotianl connection to my wife and kids is too great for me to walk away..

if i was ever to tell her i wanted to leave her i dont know that i could say it to her face,i know its cowardly but honestly i cant see the hurt, i know it might sound strange but i can love her and love another woman too..i just want to do the right thing and be happy with my ownself, it is on my mind constantly,i am living a complete lie.do i stay for the kids?, do i stay because maybe there is love and something that can be saved ?, money is not a reason for me to stay,although times are tough,but in my head i just cant picture my wife being ok without me and it hurts me to think that.i wonder how will she support herself, i wish i could just support her and take care of her but not be married to her, i would never leave the kids,they are my life..

please tell me what i am supposed to do...

Ill tell you what you are supposed to do.

Your meant to support your wife and children and get your **** together.

No point in living in regret now, you have made your bed now lie in it, on top of that, you can go and tell your wife that you have cheated, and you need her forgivness.

What you did was wrong, I think you know that, but you have no remorse for it. That saddens me deeply.

Ill tell you, every dick and pussy are pretty much the same, its the person inside that counts...you OBVIOUSLY have loved your wife, so dont let that die, or I promise you, 10 years down the line you will be saying ''I made a mistake''

Your kids will not respect you, your wife will not respect you, and you will have lost all resppect for yourself. Get help, go to counceling and make an effort. You need to come clean to your wife.

Sorry to be so sirect, but you have a chance just now to fix all the bad parts in your life, or run away from them, only to have to deal with them later when they become bigger.

Either way, talk to your wife ASAP.

Good Luck

SoulBear

Try reading this. www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/details.asp

Other than that I cant advise, in fact due to my current situation I find it hard to fathom your attitude.

'Soulmate' my arse...........take a long hard look at yourself!!!!

TBH I think your wife would, after the initial pain of finding out what a sleeze you are, be far better off without you, she deserves a real man.

Apologies for my tone, but you wont get any sympathy from me.

Of course you should stay!

You signed on for a man's job!

So be a man!

Admit your infidelities to your wife!

Man the Hell up!

Be a man!

Be husband!

Admit your a human being!

Admit you've got short comings!

Admit that your marriage isn't what it seems to be!

Admit you've fallen short of the 'mark'

Admit you've not a clue as to how to be a good husband and father!

Learn ~ begin to learn how to become one!

Learn how to control your lust!

Learn that lust does not equal Love!

Fall on your knees and beg you wife to start anew!

The best marriage your ever going to have?

Is your first one, the one you had children with!

Learn dam it! Learn!

Your doomed to fail until you've learned from the last!

One of the definitions of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and over ~ all the while expecting different results!

The "ONE"?

There's no "The ONE"

There's the right here and right now!

The one that had your babies!

The one that had your three babies!

The one that suffered childbirth for your children, that changed their diapers, that wiped away their sniffles, their tears, that sat up with them through sickness, (Colic for example ~ GOD! I wouldn't wish that on my worse enemy) that bathed them, clothed them, sacrificed for them, went without for them and YOU!

The one that washed your nasty dirty underwear! Washed you clothes, hung them out to dry, folded them, and even put them in your drawer for you to find?

Men don't make friends like women do ~ and half of your social network you have is because of the woman you're married to.

Men compartionmise their friendships?

They have 'fishing buddies" or 'hunting buddies" ~ but women?

They have relationships for the sake of relationships!

Its what they do!

Women are by nature?

The best natuaral personal managers around!

I do empathize with your situation. It's very hard to realize that you may have married the wrong person. As life changes and we grow, sometimes we do not change together. It's very painful.

You admit to making many mistakes in your marriage. I think that best advice at this point is to pull away from your lover. Get into counseling. Figure out what it is that makes you tick inside. Examine your addiction to gambling. Review your marriage and discover what you truly feel for your wife. You seem to love her... maybe you can open yourself up to feeling that love deeper in your heart than you are allowing it to exist right now.

It would seem that your wife has completely dedicated her life to you and your children. I think that you owe her some respect, compassion, and honesty. Before you just confess all your sins to her, get some help. Start counseling, stop seeing your lover, and figure out what it is that you want and need in your life. If you come to the conclusion that you indeed are married to the wrong woman then she deserves to learn you no longer love her the way she believes. With that choice you are going to shatter her fantasy... but... maybe she is not in as much of a fantasy as you think she is... maybe she knows and is choosing to look the other way. Until you finally sit down and talk with her you will not know her thoughts.

When you finally do talk with her, arrange for the two of you to be alone. Get a sitter or take the kids to some family/friends that might be able to keep them overnight. This will give you both time to express your feelings without concern for the kids.

You are in a very tough spot. It's hard to have feelings for someone else while you are married. You have real feelings for the other woman and she probably does for you as well - but you both have to open your eyes to the reality of what you will be sacrificing to move forward. Lies and deception are not a good way of life. Both of you need to pull back and be sure you have a very clear picture of what you are doing to your families. It's not going to be easy, but the right choice is often the toughest.

Keep posting... maybe even in the other man/other woman section to get a different perspective/range of people.