Jack of Hearts Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 A couple of days ago I told a girl that I've gotten to know over the last month or so at work that I would like to take her to [location] next week for dinner. She said that we were buddies and liked that we were buddies, but she still wanted to go to [location]. Did she accept the invitation just to be nice? Do I even mention the dinner plans again, or wait for her to bring it up? I've never had a girl pull the 'let's just be friends' card and still accept the date (or whatever) offer.
JustLooking123 Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 Either she doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or she really does want to go there with you as a friend (or both). The good and bad news is that she told you up-front how she sees you.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 She said that we were buddies and liked that we were buddies, but she still wanted to go to [location]. Note her choice of words. She's definitely friend-zoned you but still wants you to treat her to dinner. That's not necessarily bad if you're OK with being her friend, but it's not so hot if you are looking for a deeper romantic connection.
boogieboy Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 DOnt waste your time taking her to dinner, she'll never see you like you want her to. No one wants to be a "buddy". Dont give her the satisfaction of hanging out with a friend and a free dinner.
Thornton Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 She only want to be friends. Friends still go for dinner, right? She doesn't want to lose your friendship by turning you down completely, but she doesn't want a relationship.
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 She only want to be friends. Friends still go for dinner, right? She doesn't want to lose your friendship by turning you down completely, but she doesn't want a relationship. Exactly. So if you wish to torture yourself with feelings of unrequited yearning, by all means go right ahead. She'll very likely take advantage of your good nature and use that one-way attraction in her favor. Before you know it you'll be changing the oil in her car, helping her out around the house, taking her out to dinner (you will pay, ALL the time), perhaps even loaning her money. Is that what you want? Just know that you're never going to get anywhere with this girl.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I'd take her to dinner, and make her pay her own share. That's what friends generally do, though I'm sure she has it in her mind that you are going to foot the bill.
LittleGuyBigIssues Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 "yay free dinner!" I almost fell for the same 'trap' 2 years back with a girl i often talked with. She wanted to go see a movie but didnt want to go alone. I asked her out on a date so we could see the movie together. She immediately said she didnt really feel like going on a date with me but said she really would love to go see the movie with me if i paid for her. I used to get that alot from girls. I guess i look gullible.
Author Jack of Hearts Posted July 20, 2009 Author Posted July 20, 2009 I understand the fact that nothing will happen romantically between us, but wouldn't it be more mature to come through on my invitation and not retract it because she only thinks of me as a friend? I mean, wouldn't this small gesture (one dinner) show her that there are no hard feelings and that I can accept being her friend?
Thaddeus Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I mean, wouldn't this small gesture (one dinner) show her that there are no hard feelings and that I can accept being her friend?If you're happy being her friend, then by all means enjoy your dinner. Just don't do it with the expectation that she'll somehow "come around" or see you in a romantic light at some point in the near or distant future. It ain't happening.
kizik Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 I would rather be miserably posting on LoveShack than spend an hour with a cute girl as her friend.
alphamale Posted July 20, 2009 Posted July 20, 2009 A couple of days ago I told a girl that I've gotten to know over the last month or so at work that I would like to take her to [location] next week for dinner. She said that we were buddies and liked that we were buddies, but she still wanted to go to [location]. Did she accept the invitation just to be nice? Do I even mention the dinner plans again, or wait for her to bring it up? I've never had a girl pull the 'let's just be friends' card and still accept the date (or whatever) offer. dude drop this girl like a hot potatoe and spend your resources on finding a women who'll accept a regular date. you're wasting your time seeing women as "friends"...
green/eyes Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 If you like this woman then follow through with the initial offer. You never know you may begin the evening in the friend zone, and (if your good enough) walk away with her asking when the next date will be. If you back down now you're surely in the friend zone for good (if your there now). Backing down now shows a lack of confidence which is a huge deal breaker. Think about it what do you have to loose. If it's meant to be it will be.........
kizik Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Only a chick could write the above. You cannot, cannot, cannot EVER escape the friend zone. Once you're in it, you're unf*ckable.
NopeNah Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'd become "sick" and not be able to make the friendly dinner. I don't buy my guy friends food why would I a girl? What's next spa day together?
green/eyes Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Only a chick could write the above. You cannot, cannot, cannot EVER escape the friend zone. Once you're in it, you're unf*ckable. Look dude just trying to give my oppinion. Different women require different approaches. I was simply giving him a way to possibly salvage the situation without merely giving up.
NopeNah Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Look dude just trying to give my oppinion. Different women require different approaches. I was simply giving him a way to possibly salvage the situation without merely giving up. That's the thing...there's no salvaging the "we are buddies" part of her statment. That's all she wants from him. Well that and a free meal, looks like.
Left in a Lurch Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 If you go, when the waiter or waitress gets there tell him or her that it is ok if they put everything on one bill, or before that happens tell your friend that you were going to put the dinner on your credit card if she has cash, otherwise tell the waiter you need 2 bills because you are each using your credit cards. Don't be rude, just do it like you would if you were eating with a co-worker. I have a feeling her reaction will tell you everything. Personally I never understood why someone would do something like that to a person they are not intetrested in, that has shown interest in them. I know that if someone wants to date me and I was not interested I would not accept a date-like invitation because I would not want to lead that person on, or torture them because we have a good time and at the end of the night they think they might be getting somewhere, or during the night I would be showing them disinterest in dating. Think about how you will feel when she starts talking about this guy she likes, or the fun date she went on last week, or worse yet, she asks if you have any single friends.
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I'd take her to dinner, and make her pay her own share. That's what friends generally do, though I'm sure she has it in her mind that you are going to foot the bill. Korrect ® Further, while at dinner, which of course will be dutch, flirt with the waitress and query your 'friend' about some hot girls she knows that you can hook up with. Make her your wingwoman Have a great time!
Author Jack of Hearts Posted July 21, 2009 Author Posted July 21, 2009 Thanks for all of the insight. Just a few things though: 1. It is not impossible to get out of the friend zone. I've done it a few times and after we got romantically involved we still remained friends. The crucial element with those things are communication and expectations. 2. Attractive female friends are a very valuable thing. You can learn a lot about yourself and women from them. 3. I would be happy having this girl as a friend. I'm not really that emotionally invested in her. My area of concern is this (keep in mind I see this girl everyday, talk to her everyday and work in close proximity to her): 1. If I start to ignore her or start acting differently around her it shows that her reaction had affected me. Usually men take rejection personally and start to resent the girl which is stupid. 2. Today at work I tried to be my usuall self with her like nothing has changed considering I told her I was fine with be friends, but she was distant. I'm thinking "If you're the one that wanted to be friends, why are you the one being weird about it?" 3. I won't bring up the dinner plans again and if she does, it will be comlpetely on my terms considering the check, etc. As far as convos about other men are concerned I only participate in that sort of thing with my female friends who I've been friends with for a long time, otherwise I approach it as a test and change the subject. 4. My main concern is that I don't want her to be uncomfortable around me. I told her that and she said she was totally comfortable around me (we're buds, right?) Why she can't act like the buddy she was to me now is beyond me considering she's the one that set that boundary. 5. I am also cognizant of the possibility that her mood today might not have anything to do with me. She just could've been in a crappy mood. No biggie. So, what do I do now? Any ideas?
carhill Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 My best advice is to treat her like a guy with tits. She's a friend, not someone you're romancing. You should expect her to treat you like a friend too, offering to cover her part of the bill and proactively being interested in your life and inviting you out for socializing. The key here is there is no attraction nor romance to color your vision of the reality. If she's not being a friend, dump her. I say that because, often, IME, women use men who are attracted to them as BBBF's (back-burner boyfriends), providing them with the emotional and other validations that they're not getting from the guy the desire and bang. Be satisfying those desires with other, lesser males, no intrusion nor imposition is placed upon her desired male, to whom she becomes the perfect woman, catering to all his desires. Just remember that nearly all women run this around in their mind. Some act on it; some don't, just like some guys bang (or desire to bang) the tail they ogle in the supermarket, even when they're M'd or in a R, and some don't. It's not really that deep. The fact that her mood bothers you tells me you're not ready to be a friend. It's not bothering you as it would bother a friend. You think somehow you're the cause. Oh, surprises await
alclarkey Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Time for something outside the box. Most of the responses in this thread assume people always say what they mean, or get their point across, and that women have the dating thing down to a science, so they know exactly how to respond to date requests. Maybe she didn't intend to friend-zone you with the "We're buds" comment, maybe it was a case of foot-in-mouth disease. Like a previous poster said, take her to dinner ask for 2 checks, and gauge her reaction from there.
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