If MM's wife blows the whistle will I get fired?

[imani]

I used to work as an IT consultant. I had to replace an entire IT department with another consultant behind just what you mention: inappropriate relationships that the company had tired of tolerating. THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT, I kid you not.

 

I don't know if you will lose your job or not. I can only say that I agree with Carhill - you can't tell which direction the wind is blowing on these things. They might decide to make an example of you. They might decide to do it to the next illicit couple that decides to conduct a relationship on company time.

 

Who really knows?

 

Either way, you'd do well to avoid talking too long with him for a while. I can only imagine what the rumor mill is saying about you two.

 

"I haven't seen them sneak away to the copy room for a while, maybe they broke up"

 

People at work ALWAYS know who is having an affair. Too hard to hide even though you two probably thought you were geniuses with your "secret" code. LOL. I'm sorry. I've seen so many people with that "surprised" look when we told them what we knew and it was always concerning the stuff that they just knew they'd kept so hidden (the secret code is never that secret).

 

But like I said, no telling. Just hope she doesn't call if he does tell. She might not (I didn't). But he might lose his job as well with the way this recession is going.

 

If I'm not mistaken, I think her exMM owns his company. But this is still very good advice.

 

Never mind - I got her situation mixed up with JJ33. Sorry.

[imani]

Well I can certainly show compassion for people in bad situations... but MWC? WTF was you thinking of sleeping with your Married supervisor???

 

Of course she can blow the whistle! She's gonna be P.O. that your working there with him, the affair cannot be truly over in her eyes unless the OW which is you is far away.

 

You should have been looking for a new job when this affair began or when it was over you should have been looking anyways.

 

Dont crap where you eat...

 

I don't mean to go off topic here, but Chrome - your post brings to light something I never really understand about these situations. Why would a spouse feel that the affair would be over just because the OW/OM leaves the job? I don't see how the OW/OM not working with their spouse would matter much because the fact would be the same that he/she slept with someone else; whether they still work with them or not, right? If it were me, I'd still be pissed.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well the thing is if the OW is removed from the workplace it the affair will probably die out in that front. It gives the marriage a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless. also it is comforting to the BS piece of mind that as long as the WS does not see or be around the OW they can detox from the affair.

 

I mean if anything if the OW aint in the picture the WS can return to the marriage with a clearer head. but as long as the OW is in the way in any form or manner. How could the marriage survive.

 

Also how could you trust a spouse to rebuild the marriage if you see the OW everyday????

 

It's oxymoronic.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Exactly. We had previously talked about the future when our relationship would no longer be secret, and the first thing we thought of would be talking to the VP of our dept and asking for advice on moving our positions around so I wouldn't report to him. The two of them are close so it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

I am not looking for a new job unless I am forced to, Chrome. I'm tired of you telling me I should have known better. These things happen, why the heck do you think they had to create a forum about it?

 

MM's wife is not okay with him coming to work every day knowing I am here. He has told her he is not ready to leave his job, and he's not even sure he wants to stay in the M, so why would he do something that drastic at this point?

 

There are lots of jobs here or nearby (within 2 hrs). We're probably one of the few places in North America that hasn't been hit that hard by the recession. It would also cost them alot more to replace me if they had to. Not saying I'm underpaid, but it took me alot of years to get where I am, so to hire someone with that knowledge willing to commute to our rural office, and pay the going rate would be tough.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Exactly. We had previously talked about the future when our relationship would no longer be secret, and the first thing we thought of would be talking to the VP of our dept and asking for advice on moving our positions around so I wouldn't report to him. The two of them are close so it wouldn't be a big deal.

 

I am not looking for a new job unless I am forced to, Chrome. I'm tired of you telling me I should have known better. These things happen, why the heck do you think they had to create a forum about it?

 

MM's wife is not okay with him coming to work every day knowing I am here. He has told her he is not ready to leave his job, and he's not even sure he wants to stay in the M, so why would he do something that drastic at this point?

 

There are lots of jobs here or nearby (within 2 hrs). We're probably one of the few places in North America that hasn't been hit that hard by the recession. It would also cost them alot more to replace me if they had to. Not saying I'm underpaid, but it took me alot of years to get where I am, so to hire someone with that knowledge willing to commute to our rural office, and pay the going rate would be tough.

 

LOL, really these things happen???

 

NO they didnt this is a situation You and him together created!!!

 

If I was her I'd be furious and do whatever it took to expose and ruin him and your life by extension. Like I said you should never have crapped where you eate at.

 

So they fire and replace you, all depends if your a liability and how much power this man's wife has. Who knows what type of connections she has. I know you dont want to be on the front page news right???

 

Serious some women cannot be trifled with. and all that anger and pain she'll come at you with.

 

Or she might just give up and let you keep him. because if he's had an affair with you, a subordinate who knows what other things he have done. It's kind of unethical. He's your supervisor for one so that's an abuse of power. two he's married and sleeping with you, or slept with you. that does not look good on his resume.

 

nor on yours. And trust me your repution would be ruined more than his because...your a woman and in this situation you may be thrown under the bus.

[NoIDidn't]

MWC as an IT person you probably already know that even if you delete messages from your system they exist on the harddrives somewhere (you would know more about that than I do). Are you in a position to erase those things? Or is that the job of the network boys?

 

And God knows you don't want to erase the network backup tapes. Can we say illegal? And if you get fired after doing something like this, I would definitely say you deserved it for destroying company property just to cover your own behind.

[imani]

Well the thing is if the OW is removed from the workplace it the affair will probably die out in that front. It gives the marriage a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless. also it is comforting to the BS piece of mind that as long as the WS does not see or be around the OW they can detox from the affair.

 

I mean if anything if the OW aint in the picture the WS can return to the marriage with a clearer head. but as long as the OW is in the way in any form or manner. How could the marriage survive.

 

Also how could you trust a spouse to rebuild the marriage if you see the OW everyday????

 

It's oxymoronic.

 

Thanks for the additional explanation, Chrome.

 

But the affair could still continue whether the mistress works with the person or not. People can cheat anywhere and continue to see their mistress even if she or he leaves the job. Being that you can't be with your spouse 24/7, there's no guarantee he wouldn't chose to see her elsewhere. I would think one of the two leaving would benefit the adulterous couple even more so because they'd have less "prying employees" in their business and reporting to the wife/husband.

 

I've seen someone do it that way. They quit to prove to their spouse that it was over with the employee yet in actuality, they quit to continue on with the affair. I hope wives/husbands that are cheated on won't just automatically assume these affairs end when either their spouse or the person they cheat with leaves the job. Sometimes they leave for the "appearance" of it ending in the eyes of those who know.

[imani]

 

Or she might just give up and let you keep him. because if he's had an affair with you, a subordinate who knows what other things he have done. It's kind of unethical. He's your supervisor for one so that's an abuse of power. two he's married and sleeping with you, or slept with you. that does not look good on his resume.

 

nor on yours. And trust me your repution would be ruined more than his because...your a woman and in this situation you may be thrown under the bus.[/QUOTE]

 

 

MWC - I would be more concerned about your fellow coworkers who know more so than what his wife could try to do to you, and for all the reasons highlighted above in CB's previous post. They may not fire you or him per se, but I'm almost willing to bet that some coworkers would leave if they precieve "favortism for sleeping with the supervisor". Or the higher ups could stall your career and no longer consider you for future promotions.

 

The wife is already humiliated enough. She's probably just going to deal with him and want nothing to do with you. But the coworkers who have to be around you two or see promotions and raises go to you? Well... that's where I see possible problems for you. Employees have been known to sue over stuff like this.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I'm not worried as much as before. Talked with MM today. I don't think he will tell her that we were physical. He said that I could just act like I didn't know he felt that way. And no, I am not in a position to delete any backups and I would not do that.

 

I actually challenged him on what he was going to tell her about his feelings for HER. He wanted to come clean and tell her his feelings for me, so I asked him if he's told her how he feels about her? He looked pretty sheepish, didn't think he could be honest and tell her he doesn't love her, he cares about her, but hasn't loved her for a long time.

 

I should put this in my OW thread but getting close to ending my posting on this subject... I told him that if he tells her he loves me, she will be thinking it was all about the affair. If he doesn't tell her how he feels about her first, she will think it's because of me, and it's not. He hasn't been happy for 5 years (he says).

 

Who cares. He can feel however about her, it doesn't make me want to be back in an affair with him.

 

I just need more help on the NC at work. I don't care what other employees think. Everyone has their own dirt. I am more worried about his job. He is the one not being able to focus. We have talked about it. He doesn't want to leave either at least not in the next year while he is "fixing" himself.

[bentnotbroken]

I would review my resume. Update it if you will.

[amerikajin]

MM's wife is not okay with him coming to work every day knowing I am here. He has told her he is not ready to leave his job, and he's not even sure he wants to stay in the M, so why would he do something that drastic at this point?

 

I'm going to risk making very broad gender-based generalizations here.

 

My observation is that most men in affairs like having their cake and eating it too, but few have any real intention of going through a divorce. Most men cheat because their 'manliness' has been challenged, their egos have been bruised somehow. Affairs are a form of escapism. They fantasize about getting their manliness back by having an affair with someone, but whereas (Western) women don't seem to mind drama if it suits their purposes, most men don't want drama. They want to keep things on the down low because they also have face to preserve. By threatening to go public, your MM's wife is threatening to rip your lover's face right off. He doesn't want that. In other words, "Check, please!"

 

There are lots of jobs here or nearby (within 2 hrs). We're probably one of the few places in North America that hasn't been hit that hard by the recession. It would also cost them alot more to replace me if they had to. Not saying I'm underpaid, but it took me alot of years to get where I am, so to hire someone with that knowledge willing to commute to our rural office, and pay the going rate would be tough.

 

One of the worst mistakes people make is to assume that they can't be replaced, or that they can't be replaced easily. Trust me, all your departure would be, at worst, would be a few weeks or perhaps a month or two of inconvenience around the office. That's it. A new person would be brought in, trained, make a mistake here and there, and they'd eventually learn the job and you'd be out hitting the job market. And never make predictions about what part of the country a worldwide recession will or will not strike: there are people right now who, a few months ago, seemed to be secure in their position and are now among the millions of unemployed.

 

As for whether or not you'd be fired, I guess I can't really say. I know that in the United States it's not necessarily automatic that you'd be terminated, but you *could* get fired if you had either violated a specific policy against intra-office dating, or if they could show that the relationship had caused irreversible damage to employee morale. I don't know what it's like in Canada, though. You might have labor laws that make termination in that situation more complicated. In general, it's a bad idea to get into this kind of situation. I'm not judging or saying I'm holier than thou, I'm just looking at it from a professional point of view. I would cease and desist immediately or work out something so that one of you leaves as soon as one of you can find a job.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If the companies head head bosses start seeing this affair from an objective outside perspective and think or even sniff that this woman was promoted that she slept with her boss and did nothing else. They will find a way to can her.

 

Also word of mouth gossip spreads like wildfire. People know what your doing with this man MWC, even if they dont have proof. The walls have eyes and ears and someone definitely is gonna put two and two together.

 

Your not that smart. And all it takes is for one domino to fall. Just one.

 

And then it gradually starts to build. And build. You will have no choice but to either resign or quit then or be publicly humiliated and fired to boot.

 

One day your in the office the senior management comes down and hands you a termination paper and has you escorted off the premises with a guard. then people who see you start to spread more rumors and laugh about you. Your reputation within that company would be ruined and even if you find something else in your field, even then people will know of what you did at your last job and why you was terminated!

 

Dont think your so invincible. You already threw your marriage away. This man is worth loosing your money over that you still have contact? WTF?

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

I am pretty smrt chrome. oops. maybe just pretty. No, I'm not invincible. People talk. I have talked too about other affairs I've seen. I've known a coworker to end up in the loonie bin for a while, and she came back, and her lover is still there. Nothing was "proven", not to me anyway, like I care or worry about what other coworkers do, and hope they don't give a crap what I've done. I get alot of work done. I work weekends on my own time (no OT) and come in early and stay late.

 

I'm not "from" this community, I have lived here a while, but I have alot of friends here and farther away whom I can trust and will help me pick up the pieces if my world crashes down. Not that my dependance on them had anything to do with my choices. I'm not worried about what people say behind my back. I do however get nervous every time I see one of the owners walk by my office towards HR just down the hall. I honestly think they have other things to worry about though.

 

And, I doubt the MM's wife will cause trouble. Especially not if she wants to keep him around. I did hear she wants to kick my arse and she is about twice my size, add the anger, I'm sure she could quite easily pound me into the pavement.

[imani]

I am pretty smrt chrome. oops. maybe just pretty. No, I'm not invincible. People talk. I have talked too about other affairs I've seen. I've known a coworker to end up in the loonie bin for a while, and she came back, and her lover is still there. Nothing was "proven", not to me anyway, like I care or worry about what other coworkers do, and hope they don't give a crap what I've done. I get alot of work done. I work weekends on my own time (no OT) and come in early and stay late.

 

I'm not "from" this community, I have lived here a while, but I have alot of friends here and farther away whom I can trust and will help me pick up the pieces if my world crashes down. Not that my dependance on them had anything to do with my choices. I'm not worried about what people say behind my back. I do however get nervous every time I see one of the owners walk by my office towards HR just down the hall. I honestly think they have other things to worry about though.

 

And, I doubt the MM's wife will cause trouble. Especially not if she wants to keep him around. I did hear she wants to kick my arse and she is about twice my size, add the anger, I'm sure she could quite easily pound me into the pavement.

 

 

MWC - I gotta ask: You're not by any chance enjoying this drama are you?

[Athena]

I think there are a few infidelities going on in our office. I'm one of them, having just come out of a 1 yr affair with the married man I report to.

 

If you've read my posts on the OW forum, you will know he is struggling with his emotional health. He knows he has to come clean with his W. He is debating not admitting to the physical part of the affair and might go as far as saying that I (me) didn't know he even felt that way, making their marriage problems only about his feelings for an OW.

 

He does not want her to blow up and call the office, and cause trouble for me. I need my job. The two of them can get jobs anywhere in the country, and can even be jobless for a longer period of time if necessary. But I have a house and two kids to pay for and while there are alot of jobs here (recession isn't quite as bad) I wouldn't find a job as rewarding that pays as well. I LOVE my job!

 

Don't tell me I should have thought of that before, it is obviously much too late to turn the clock, and we all have our weaknesses.

 

I want to know if you think I will get fired? I am talked about in the office is the "saviour" and what would they do without me, etc etc so I know I am a valued employee, and I am considered "management" although nobody reports to me. I'm okay with being reprimanded, not being allowed to travel, reporting to someone else, and MM could also get his wrist slapped. But I doubt they would fire us, but there is a chance if his wife makes that phone call.

 

I never phoned and ratted out my H's OW, even if they were working with H! Perhaps your MM can ask she not do that, to save HIS a$$ at work? I doubt she'll care about your job, but if he phrases it as about him being your boss and being more to blame for 'taking advantage of his seniority to your position' then she might rethink doing that.

 

I think it is a good thing that he wants to come clean to his W. That is far better than her finding out about him and him lying and not admitting to anything... she may not need to expose him at work, maybe just deal with their marital issues at home and in counseling, perhaps some trusted friends and family members too, for support.

 

Thing is, you and he need to quit any contact and communication, so how is that going to be possible if you both continue to work alongside each other? Perhaps MM should find a job elsewhere then tell his W...(sorry if I have repeated anyone else's posts, but I only read your first post).