i have released myself

[Mino]

This is prominent in your situation, it doesn't mean it applies here.

 

Your MM went back for a reason other than his W, or so he told you. But this guy NEVER even left! MWC's MM said that he felt "RUSHED" by the whole situation as MWC describes it. Sounds to me like he wants to give his M another chance. Sounds like "love" for something if not someone.

Love of house? Love of money? Love of kids? Love of dog, Love of the neighbors? or manybe love for w, or fear of ............

[Mino]

Thats the key isnt it. Do they REALLY want out of the marriage.

 

All the infighting between the OW camp and the BS camp is irrelevant. There are MANY reasons why someone may wish to stay married, not all of them having to do with whether someone loves their W more of less than the OW.

 

The fact is if someone isnt ready to leave, it doesnt matter if his W is a cold witch and he will stay forever waiting to win her affection (and cheating in the meantime) or whether she will be burned at the stake by her family if she leaves.

 

The fact is the person needs to be ready in their own mind to leave. And if they say they feel "rushed" it means that they arent ready to leave. End of story.

Now JJ, that post was very well put, I must say:cool: Thats one thing I learned, they cant be rushed, they need to be ready on their own.

[fooled once]

Thats the key isnt it. Do they REALLY want out of the marriage.

 

All the infighting between the OW camp and the BS camp is irrelevant. There are MANY reasons why someone may wish to stay married, not all of them having to do with whether someone loves their W more of less than the OW.

 

The fact is if someone isnt ready to leave, it doesnt matter if his W is a cold witch and he will stay forever waiting to win her affection (and cheating in the meantime) or whether she will be burned at the stake by her family if she leaves.

 

The fact is the person needs to be ready in their own mind to leave. And if they say they feel "rushed" it means that they arent ready to leave. End of story.

 

Good post! My only 'issue' with the whole "RUSHED" thing is wasn't this Affair a couple of years? I mean, how much TIME do you really need to decide if you are happy or not?

 

But you are right, if someone isn't ready, they aren't ready. I stayed in a marriage (but didn't cheat) longer than I should have because I wasn't sure of ME. I knew the marriage was over, but I didn't have the self confidence at the time to end it. After the 3rd and final act of physical abuse, I knew I. WAS. DONE.

 

Each person gets done in their own time. BUT if I had someone on the side that I was swearing that I love, I think I would have personally gotten DONE a lot earlier, than later, ya know?

[NoIDidn't]

Thats the key isnt it. Do they REALLY want out of the marriage.

 

All the infighting between the OW camp and the BS camp is irrelevant. There are MANY reasons why someone may wish to stay married, not all of them having to do with whether someone loves their W more of less than the OW.

 

The fact is if someone isnt ready to leave, it doesnt matter if his W is a cold witch and he will stay forever waiting to win her affection (and cheating in the meantime) or whether she will be burned at the stake by her family if she leaves.

 

The fact is the person needs to be ready in their own mind to leave. And if they say they feel "rushed" it means that they arent ready to leave. End of story.

 

Absolutely true. And the fact that he felt "rushed" seems to mean that someone was pushing him into a direction he wasn't totally committed to.

 

He didn't want to leave. He wanted to keep seeing MWC without all of her "talks" though.

[NoIDidn't]

Love of house? Love of money? Love of kids? Love of dog, Love of the neighbors? or manybe love for w, or fear of ............

 

That's exactly what I was going with that last sentence.

 

He might love his W. I seem to recall MWC talking about a dog he didn't want to leave behind. People have been known to have custody battles over pets.

 

Either way, he wasn't trying to leave. I find it pretty pointless to argue over whom a MM loves more when its clearly himself.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Thats the key isnt it. Do they REALLY want out of the marriage.

 

All the infighting between the OW camp and the BS camp is irrelevant. There are MANY reasons why someone may wish to stay married, not all of them having to do with whether someone loves their W more of less than the OW.

 

The fact is if someone isnt ready to leave, it doesnt matter if his W is a cold witch and he will stay forever waiting to win her affection (and cheating in the meantime) or whether she will be burned at the stake by her family if she leaves.

 

The fact is the person needs to be ready in their own mind to leave. And if they say they feel "rushed" it means that they arent ready to leave. End of story.

 

You are right on the mark JJ. And NoIDidn't, you are so far off. His staying has nothing to do with love. And I don't know what you mean about my supposed nagging talks? WTF did you get that? We always had awesome open honest communication and he usually had to nag my thoughts out of me. I NEVER stopped this to put any pressure on him. I stopped it for our emotional well-being.

 

I ended the physical affair for ME. To protect MY heart. Is that selfish? Should I have let him keep having his cake instead of stopping the affair for fear of "rushing" him to make a decision? Good God!

 

I talked to another coworker "friend" today. He knew what was going on with this guy (not sure he knew of the affair, but he knows now, in confidence). He said that ALOT of people can't understand WHY this guy is still with his wife. She is a "fat cow b*tch" according to this guy (and supposedly others). I couldn't believe he said that. I thought she was a nice person liked by all, and that I would have been viewed as the b*tch. NOT that I am having second thoughts.

 

As JJ said, MM is in a bad scary place, and needs to heal in his own time BEFORE he can even THINK of working on his M (IF he decides that is where he wants to be).

[fooled once]

MWC isn't the poster whose MM wouldn't leave without his dog (right MWC?) That was someone else.

 

And how sad that this co-worker chose those words to describe the wife IF she has a weight issue (and isn't the ideal size 0-2 ) it could be a medical issue or herditary or something else.

 

This co-worker is obviously shallow and judges people/makes fun of people due to weight. And as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

MWC - I am GLAD you are done with this affair because I have always felt you (and OW) deserve MUCH better than the sloppy seconds you all get. You deserved to be loved, out in the open, fully and completely and not with someone who can only spare an hour here and there for you.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Good post! My only 'issue' with the whole "RUSHED" thing is wasn't this Affair a couple of years? I mean, how much TIME do you really need to decide if you are happy or not?

 

The affair was not a couple of years. Things happened a couple of times in the last year. Last fall it became more frequent with admission of our feelings in Feb and an explosive March, April, May. but we have worked together, closely for several years.

 

I don't understand his reasons for going back (yeah, he left... for one night and said he felt so bad that all he could think about was her back home crying)... so I told him that I was at home feeling shytty too, meaning he chose to go to her because of her feelings, but not me, so yeah, I told him what I was feeling. I still expected nothing. When he's not with me he tells me all he thinks about is me. So I'm thinkin... flaky!!!

 

He made it clear that he is staying there until he is "well". Fine, as long as he's there, I am not interested in pursuing the affair. Why am I being reprimanded for this now?

 

Maybe I am just used to being dumped Just look at my posts from the last 4 years. This sucks. Tonight is just one of those "tough" times.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

MWC isn't the poster whose MM wouldn't leave without his dog (right MWC?) That was someone else.

 

And how sad that this co-worker chose those words to describe the wife IF she has a weight issue (and isn't the ideal size 0-2 ) it could be a medical issue or herditary or something else.

 

This co-worker is obviously shallow and judges people/makes fun of people due to weight. And as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

 

MWC - I am GLAD you are done with this affair because I have always felt you (and OW) deserve MUCH better than the sloppy seconds you all get. You deserved to be loved, out in the open, fully and completely and not with someone who can only spare an hour here and there for you.

 

 

Yes, he had made a comment about the dog, but I misunderstood. And my friend wasn't just referring to her physically. He was also referring to her attitude and personality.

[NoIDidn't]

You are right on the mark JJ. And NoIDidn't, you are so far off. His staying has nothing to do with love. And I don't know what you mean about my supposed nagging talks? WTF did you get that? We always had awesome open honest communication and he usually had to nag my thoughts out of me. I NEVER stopped this to put any pressure on him. I stopped it for our emotional well-being.

 

Where did I get the nagging talks from? You. In your previous thread where you claim to be distancing yourself and limiting contact but continuing to have long talks.

 

You said he said he felt "rushed". No one says that unless they feel that someone is rushing them.

 

I don't think you stopped the A to put pressure on him. I think it is for the very reason you claim: for yourself. I don't think you care much about his feelings in this. I know that you are here posting for you, but there never seemed to be much real caring for him (or his feelings) or his W coming through in any of your posts. So I am certain that you stopped the A because you weren't getting what you wanted from it. Nothing more, nothing less.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Why would I post that I care about his W's feelings? That would be quite hypocritical considering I was screwing her husband. Do I feel remorse? Yes, I do. Do I regret experiencing what I did with him? Not one minute of it.

 

I care about him so much. I am beside myself with worry knowing that it would be wrong for me to even check up on him. He's on the edge of a breakdown and I know I had a part in it. Of course I am worried for him.

 

We talked because we had a 2 hour drive for work the other day, and we talk. I am not a talker, he is. I don't believe that cold turkey NC applies in our case. He is one that needs alot of questions answered, and I will tell him whatever he needs to know and vice versa, not that I ask alot of questions.

 

NID I am going to check on your situation to see if your comments are valid from experience or if you are stereotyping me as a typical OW.

[fooled once]

It was you that the didn't want to leave a dog? No kids with the ex and he didn't want to leave a dog?

 

Opps -- sorry !

 

I also wasn't sure how long your affair was - I am starting to get people mixed up LOL

 

MWC - I hope you don't take my posts as reprimand. I honestly didn't mean to or imply anything like that.

 

I am truly just happy you are MOVING ON with your life. He didn't leave because he doesn't want to. He loves his wife in a different way than he loved you. He has history with her. He has a dog Sorry, that probably wasn't funny.

 

Anyway, you can beat yourself up all night/week/month trying to figure out his reasons. Does it really matter now does it? He made a decision to stay with his wife. Affair over.

 

time to start a new life for you.

 

I am sorry you are having a hard night.

[NoIDidn't]

NID I am going to check on your situation to see if your comments are valid from experience or if you are stereotyping me as a typical OW.

 

WTF? My comments are valid because they are my opinion. I am not speaking from experience, I'm speaking from reading your previous posts. I don't need experience and I don't think you are a typical OW.

 

Typical OW are single when involved with a MM. Typical OW don't have children and outside of the A, don't really have anything in common with the MM. Typical OW aren't serial cheaters, usually.

 

So no, I'm not stereotyping you. And I have no right to demand that you take a look at your life. I'm just surprised that it seems like you aren't. I'll be the first to admit that I am reading something into your posts. And I apologize for anything said that has offended you.

 

I'm sorry you have having a crappy night. I hope things get better for you. I just feel that your posts come across as very non-feeling. Maybe you are one of those people that just doesn't emote much? Or maybe you are just hurting too much and purposefully being emotionally flat? Either way, if my posts are upsetting you , I apologize.

 

I realize you are hurting and bow out of your thread for the night.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Yes, we agree. And I did giggle about the dog thing. We had our company golf tourny today. So I am a bit lit. And he wasn't there due to a previous engagement.

 

Honestly, deep down, I think he was scared off at the thought of getting too close to me and having to end things if he decided he ever wanted to have kids, and also at the thought of being a 33 yr old "stepdad" to two teenagers. It overwhelmed him, as did the thought of being "stuck" in this town for 5-6 years until my kids are finished high school, and he really wants to eventually live somewhere else (diff province).

 

When I think of it that way, I feel alot more understanding, slight resentment but understanding and more readiness to let go and move on to eventually find someone who wants to be in my life as it is, no conditions.

 

As much as he loves me, he faced reality, and is torn because he also really doesn't want to be with W but he likes being married, and having someone do his laundry, and well, his nice house and his dog

 

Ah life really sux sometimes.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

WTF? I just feel that your posts come across as very non-feeling. Maybe you are one of those people that just doesn't emote much? Or maybe you are just hurting too much and purposefully being emotionally flat? Either way, if my posts are upsetting you , I apologize.

 

I realize you are hurting and bow out of your thread for the night.

 

I am a bit non-feeling, or have been for several years since my own M went bad. I thought I was getting better. I fell in love and shared what I shared with him, and experienced something I never felt before. I am businesslike or "flat" in my posts, I don't emote well. I read books (self-help, relationships) and they talk alot about expressing your feelings, and asking or writing down your needs. I have no frickin idea how to express my feelings, they are just feelings. I feel my feelings, I can't speak them and I don't know what i need???????? so frustrating. Maybe a new post on that frustration LOL

[NoIDidn't]

I am only posting again to point out that the "WTF?" was NOT a part of the rest of that quote.

 

I'm direct, not mean.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

ooops sorry I missed clearing that part. Musta been a tear in my eye

 

i feel a bit better though, still sniffly and needing hugs and I miss my kids who are away at camp.

[Mino]

I am only posting again to point out that the "WTF?" was NOT a part of the rest of that quote.

 

I'm direct, not mean.

i can vouche for that;)

[Mino]

ooops sorry I missed clearing that part. Musta been a tear in my eye

 

i feel a bit better though, still sniffly and needing hugs and I miss my kids who are away at camp.

(( HUGS)) it will get easier, keep busy, I been on a cleaning binge in the last few days, cleaned out my closet the other day and donated a whole bunch of stuff to charity, today I power washed the entire ouside of the house, two decks and the friggin street:laugh: Its amazing what I am getting done.

[janden]

Typical OW are single when involved with a MM. Typical OW don't have children and outside of the A, don't really have anything in common with the MM. Typical OW aren't serial cheaters, usually.

 

Might I ask what the stereotype of a "non-typical" OW might be?

[jj33]

MWC I know its easy to listen to what others have to say about the W and why he should or shouldnt leave and if you arent careful it gives you a little bit of hope. Try not to fall into that trap.

 

Theres an old saying. If hes unavailable, hes unavaliable. It doesnt matter if he is mentally ill, married, gay, in jail or abducted by aliens. The bottom line is he is unavailable.

 

You are doing a great thing by moving on. He may be stuck, where he wants to be, lying, rushed, demented, it doesnt matter. The fact is he is unavilable. And you deserve better.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Yep, he is unavailable. Physically and emotionally. He is the one holding on to this. He wants her to "understand" the situation before he leaves. He fears losing me in the meantime. That doesn't make me plan to wait around.

 

I won't be moving on in a new R anytime soon, but I will move on, or continue on rather, with my life.

 

We need a few more NC rules, as it is very difficult. I know it takes time. And I refuse to be dragged back into an affair.

[NoIDidn't]

Might I ask what the stereotype of a "non-typical" OW might be?

 

Why don't you start your own thread instead of attempting to hijack this one, and then everyone can talk. I'm sure OW have a feeling of what they consider the stereo-"typical" OW.