Family problems.

[Spengles]

Well, I had nowhere else to express my feelings so I'm gonna pour it out here. Yay for everyone, eh.

 

Basically, my parents have fought over and over again for as long as I can remember. My dad is a very short tempered person where everything must go his way and there's no exception. My sister and I have been desensitized to their arguments for a while now but now, it's getting worse. Last night, my dad got angry with my sister because she wasn't able to go out of country for a field trip (she's a soph in high school) so he started ranting and yelling at her.. "lecturing" her. My dad seemed to have had enough so he said he was going to move out. This here is another thing that has been expressed over and over again. But it's never been as serious as this time. He flat out told my mother that he didn't care for her at all and never had. He told her that he used her to get out his country and now he's prosperous here and she isn't and that we are all leeching off of him. He told me and my sister that he loved both of us but that he had no love for my mom.

 

My mom has been broked down ever since. I've never actually seen her cry this much and I feel useless. She wants to move and my sister and I are okay with it. But there's really no means of support. My dad (a doctor) has supported us all throughout our lives. My mom is a tutor and she makes money, but not as much compared to my dad. She feels as if she needs to get ouf of the house in order to not feel as if she's under his control.

 

On one hand, I want to do whatever my mom needs to because I feel so sorry for her. But on the other hand, I can't imagine my life any different. I've always expected things to go back to normal after every fight. But this time, I type this with a burden on my heart. It's starting to affect my studies as well. I was planning on studying for a test I have on later this week but I don't have the will to. I keep thinking how my life would be like. I'd have to quit school to help support my mom and sister. I've always lived my life comfortably.. parents would buy things for me (within limits of course). I feel disgusted with myself that I think greedily like that. But I don't want my life to change.

 

Things were starting to turn around for me after a couple rough semesters. This semester (taking 18 hours) seemed to be going so well for me. Test week is here, and I can't study anything. I can't stop worrying about what's going to happen.

[innocent]

I'm sorry this isn't really emotional help but money help.

 

There are lots of ways that your mother can get money(if you are in the US)

child support from your father

the government

umm...she could try to get a job as a tutor somewhere

secretary...

 

I'm sorry I'm not helping very much...I wish I could

[midori]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I know that any advice offered will be easier to say than to do, but here are my thoughts:

 

1. As much as you might feel for your mother, her relationship with your father is her problem, and it's up to her to solve it. She could leave if she wanted to. It wouldn't be convenient, it might require some material sacrifices, but she could leave. I don't doubt her misery for a moment, and I'm sure it's painful to watch. But there are solutions, she will just have to figure out what's right for her. That's entirely in her hands.

 

2. Your dad doesn't sound like a very nice guy. But remember that there are two sides to every story, and while it may look like your mom is the wronged party and your dad is a jerk, the truth might be much more complicated and nuanced. Regardless, it's wrong for your parents to ask you to be a sounding board for them to vent at, or to take sides. They need to respect your perfectly reasonable and important need for neutrality (at least on the surface. naturally you'll have your opinions about what is going on. but you shouldn't have to voice your opinions or to listen to their explanations/rationales/complaints).

 

3. You need to carve out a mental space for yourself so that you can have peace of mind on a daily basis. You must be at least an adolescent, right? I know that parental discord and divorce is painful at any age, but you've gotten over the stage where you most need to have two parents on hand all the time. You'll have relationships with both your parents even if they do split up. They've just got to sort themselves out. You need to stay as far out of it as you can, and you need to get your own stuff done. To that end, I suggest that you find a quiet place -- the public or school library perhaps, a cafe or diner even (not so quiet but if you can tune out the din of chatter it's fine actually for studying) where you can go on a regular basis and study. Find a place to relax too, a place that's not dependent on your relationship with anyone else to access (e.g. a bookstore would be a better place to cultivate than hanging out at your friend's house -- cos if you have a falling out with your friend you will also lose your place to chill).

 

I don't envy you. But you can cope with this. Just don't mistake your parents' problems and responsibilities for your own.