Taucher Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Yes of course people can change. Aside from relationships, people change all the time. People HAVE to change. However, I am not convinced that changing in itself is ever enough and it certainly isnt easy. I mean, I could change and get back with my ex and getting back with my ex is ANTI-CHANGE. It's back to what existed before. But my god if she gave me a chance I would try. But not yet. My theory is that people are shaped by their experience and by their situation. A change in personality can sometimes only happen alongside a change in situation. My situation for example. My SO accused me of being distant and secretive (I totally understood her thinking I was distant, but not secretive). Anyway, and this is where it gets a bit personal for me and I reveal stuff about my life, my Mum is currently an alcoholic. A fairly abusive alcoholic (toward my Dad). My Dad is suffering from depression as a result and me and my dad (and my bro) have all been ENABLERS to my Mum's problem; ignoring it, hiding it from other people, supporting her and letting her think that everything is ok no matter what she threw at us. Now, the break up between me and my ex affected me badly. I started counseling 2 weeks after and looking into my life I have begun to understand exactly how much of a negative influence my mum and her drinking has been on my life. It has affected EVERYTHING. Not that I knew this before - I tried to hide it from my GF and put off going to visit my parents. However, with this knowledge and self-awareness comes the power, ability and WILL to change. Which I am in the process of doing. I am beginning to understand myself more, losing my self-loathing and realising that actually, I have been through a lot and can change myself and my life for the better. I have also come to realise that my Mum needs to want to change HERSELF in order for her to get better. I am going to help her come to that conclusion. I WILL BE A BETTER PERSON IN MANY WAYS WHETHER MY AND MY EX GET TOGETHER OR NOT. There's more to it than this...sorry for going on for so long. T Link to post Share on other sites
L.Lou Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I believe Taucher said it the best. Great post Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 can you teach a old dog new tricks Rarely, people justdont change in days weeks or months. If they were like that for say 20 years of their life what makes you think they can change so easily? look me for example i've been shy my whole life, finally i'm opening up, opening up has took me like 3 years:laugh:. Horrible analogy but I'm just saying most people who say they "change" haven't really its just a act and once they comfortable again the "hair dye" goes aawayand their natural color (personality, etc.) reappears. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelo_28 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Hi, Change is a real reality of everyday life. Everyone we meet, interact with and court with will affect our behaviour in some fashion. Expressing a certain desired behaviour can be mis-directed and the receptor, him/her will behave in an undesired fashion. Communication and trust is key to underline problems in a relationship and to channel changes as possitives for both parties in the relationship. To simply say "he must change for me...he must change for himslef" etc. is not sufficient. Both parties must understand the effect/consequence factors of interacting behaviour patterns and the implications, positive or negative, they put forth pertaining to the relationship. Once the "self-aware" process is in place for both parties in the relationship - ONLY THEN can possitive results imerge. so yes...change is possible...dont ever believe differently! relationships are hard work...successful ones are harder work...believe me, i know -Angelo Link to post Share on other sites
Taucher Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I believe Taucher said it the best. Great post Thanks can you teach a old dog new tricks Rarely, people justdont change in days weeks or months. If they were like that for say 20 years of their life what makes you think they can change so easily? look me for example i've been shy my whole life, finally i'm opening up, opening up has took me like 3 years:laugh:. Horrible analogy but I'm just saying most people who say they "change" haven't really its just a act and once they comfortable again the "hair dye" goes aawayand their natural color (personality, etc.) reappears. EmporerR I agree with what you are saying...to an extent. I think that people can and do change. I dont think that they can change 'easily'. However, in order to change, it HAS to come from within. It cannot come from someone TELLING you that you must change and it CANNOT come from someone rashly promising they will change just to keep a relationship alive. If there is real awareness from an individual of a need for them to change for their own benefit, then change happens. I believe that as soon as someone genuinely feels in their heart that they have to change, then they already HAVE changed. Their negative thoughts or behaviours might carry on, THAT is stuff that takes ages to change, but if the individual has an awareness of this damaging behaviour, then positive change has started. An example: a year a go, I was a overwieght. One day, I woke up and decided, then and there, to get fit and in shape. I went to gym 3 times a week and swimming once or twice a week. In my head, I had changed. However, it took months for the effects to be visible on my body and for the effects of the change in my head to show positive results. I beleive that this can be applied to mental changes. My situation is; I have some thought processes that have hurt ME in the past and have gone some way to ending my most recent relationship. I also believe that my SO was frustrated not so much by my behaviour, but by my inability to recognise how how I was behaving was damaging our relationship. If, 6 months ago when she still loved me, I had said "I know that I have to change, I need help with doing that from a therapist and from you" then she would have been so happy. The change wouldnt have happened straight away but my acknowledgement of my need to change would have been change enough. Sorry if this is garbled, I know what I mean just cant seem to express it! T Link to post Share on other sites
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