18 & Pregnant-Again

[sb129]

"Three-year-olds need familiar adults nearby for security as they explore and play. As they develop more independence, children this age begin to have real friendships with other children. When conflicts arise with peers, three-year-olds will typically seek adult assistance. They are learning to recognise the causes of feelings and will give simple help, such as a hug, to those who are upset. Three-year-olds can better manage their emotions, but may still fall apart under stress.

Emotional development

 

 

• Continues to develop preferences for special adults. Uses familiar adults as secure bases for exploration and play (e.g. wants mum to stay at friend's house when invited over, even though child seldom looks for her during play).
  
• Begins to develop and express a sense of individuality and personal preferences; for example, says, ‘See my toys!’
  
• Labels own feelings and those of others based on their facial expression or tone of voice. For example, looks at a picture in a book and says, ‘She's scared’. Understands, at least on a basic level that feelings have causes: ‘Sammy is sad because he can't find his blanket’.
  
• Shows progress in expressing feelings, needs and opinions in difficult situations or conflicts, without harming self, others or property. For example says, ‘I really, REALLY need that swing!’ May still fall apart under stress.
  

Social development

 

 

• Shows an interest in other children and copies what they do (e.g. Luke jumps off the couch; his neighbour Odelia does exactly the same, laughing). Plays cooperatively with another child for a time (e.g. pretends to talk on the phone with the child).
  
• Begins to have real friendships, even though child may not understand the concept of friendship or that these relationships may not last. For example says, ‘My best friends are Nathan, Sharon, Enrique, Cassidy ...’ and others in the class.
  
• Gives simple help to peers who are in need, upset, hurt or angry (e.g. hug, comfort object, pat, encouraging word). Such attempts to give aid may not take into account the other child’s characteristics or needs (e.g. offers a crying classmate a stuffed animal, even though the child has another comfort object).
  
• Accepts compromise when resolving conflicts if it is suggested by an adult. For example, mum says, ‘Jackson, you can use that swing as soon as Jana gets off’. Seeks adult help in resolving a conflict; for example, goes to dad and says, ‘Jacob took my truck!’. Continues to learn simple alternatives to aggressive ways of dealing with conflicts. For example, trades one doll for a desired one by saying, ‘You have THIS dolly, OK?’"
  

[scared007]

Thanks, SB. I appreciate that information.

 

My husband and I haven't and won't disappear from my grandson's life, nor my daughter's life. For example, I've talked to grandson every day on the phone. She and I talked on the phone last night, and grandson talked to both me and husband. All conversations, texts, etc., have been positive. We'll see them both this coming weekend. We want to continue to be a big part of his life, and we know he needs us.

[quankanne]

am smiling at the holey-socks comment ... not unusually AT ALL when it comes to little boys, they don't care.

 

:laugh: and that obviously continues on through adulthood with some men!!!

 

she's gonna be fine, mama – she just needs to be on her own so she can understand what it is to be a responsible adult. You're not punishing her or being mean, just pushing her out of the nest so she can test her wings, and rightly so. My guess is that she'll grow up quickly, esp. with a little one, and will come to appreciate what all you and her dad have done for her.

 

hugs,

q

[nittygritty]

I was very open with my children about sex. We talked about safe sex, safest sex, birth control...we talked. Alot.

 

I thought I'd enacted an open-door policy. Obviously not. Just as with the niece mentioned here, if my daughter at 14 had said she needed birth control, she would have gotten birth control. Yes, even at 14. We would have talked even MORE, but I could have at least protected her from pregnancy.

 

What's the answer? These intelligent young girls...all so smart and with such bright futures....don't "think" when it comes to sex. My daughter is a very smart girl. So how do we stop and make them THINK? Maybe the answer IS to take them to the doc.

 

To NittyGritty, I am not a selfish person. My whole life revolves around my children and grandchildren. So, you're wrong about some points. You are correct, however, in that when she was 12 or 14, I should have saw some signs. I should have tough-loved her from toddler-hood, I suppose. She needed it. She has no choice but to be responsible now. She knows right from wrong, she knows how to pay her bills, and hopefully she'll know sooner rather than later that when you have a good thing going for you, you care for it, not stomp on it.

 

Were you letting her date when she was 14? Or was she just without a lot of parental supervision? I'm sorry but I just don't understand how the parents of a 14 year old would not know with whom, where and what their child was doing. Nor why abortion or adoption did not take place if you were not willing to take any long-term responsibility for your decision to allow your minor child to carry a pregnancy to full term and keep the baby? Taxpayers shouldn't be expected to foot the bill for this.

 

There ain't no way that a teenager that just turned 18 can work enough hours most likely at low wages and afford a child and an apartment, food, gas, utilities, etc., and do a good job raising a 3 year old by herself. Even with Grandpa babysitting when she adds college to her already full plate.

 

Your marriage must be fairly recent because you posted about your boyfriend cheating on you in 2007. I find it difficult to believe that your "whole life revolves around your children and grandchildren" because of your posts on this thread. My apologies for any miscommunications.

[scared007]

NittyGritty,

 

Hmm. Maybe I should rephrase the "my whole world" statement.

 

My whole, entire life, until 3 days ago, was based on the schedules of children and grandchildren. School schedules, work schedules, extra-curricular schedules. In fact, MY work schedule was created as a result of their schedules.

 

My social life was scheduled around their schedules.

 

For the most part, my eating habits were a result of their eating preferences.

 

My financial status was entirely at the mercy of them. What they needed and what they wanted but couldn't always have was my responsibility to attain.

 

My morning showers were scheduled around theirs - finding an open bathroom AND hot water in the morning time was sometimes challenging.

 

My sleeping habits were the result of having children in the house.

 

My sexual habits were the result of having children in the house.

 

I'm sure I've missed some area of my life that was wrapped around my children, but I've attempted to hit them all.

 

Do you think that I don't realize that there's something hugely wrong with MY 14-year-old daughter getting pregnant? If so, you're wrong.

 

Thanks for sharing your opinions.

 

QA - your guess is EXACTLY my hope for this situation.

[Kenyth]

"Three-year-olds need familiar adults nearby for security as they explore and play. As they develop more independence, children this age begin to have real friendships with other children. When conflicts arise with peers, three-year-olds will typically seek adult assistance. They are learning to recognise the causes of feelings and will give simple help, such as a hug, to those who are upset. Three-year-olds can better manage their emotions, but may still fall apart under stress.

Emotional development

 

 

• Continues to develop preferences for special adults. Uses familiar adults as secure bases for exploration and play (e.g. wants mum to stay at friend's house when invited over, even though child seldom looks for her during play).
  
• Begins to develop and express a sense of individuality and personal preferences; for example, says, ‘See my toys!’
  
• Labels own feelings and those of others based on their facial expression or tone of voice. For example, looks at a picture in a book and says, ‘She's scared’. Understands, at least on a basic level that feelings have causes: ‘Sammy is sad because he can't find his blanket’.
  
• Shows progress in expressing feelings, needs and opinions in difficult situations or conflicts, without harming self, others or property. For example says, ‘I really, REALLY need that swing!’ May still fall apart under stress.
  

Social development

 

 

• Shows an interest in other children and copies what they do (e.g. Luke jumps off the couch; his neighbour Odelia does exactly the same, laughing). Plays cooperatively with another child for a time (e.g. pretends to talk on the phone with the child).
  
• Begins to have real friendships, even though child may not understand the concept of friendship or that these relationships may not last. For example says, ‘My best friends are Nathan, Sharon, Enrique, Cassidy ...’ and others in the class.
  
• Gives simple help to peers who are in need, upset, hurt or angry (e.g. hug, comfort object, pat, encouraging word). Such attempts to give aid may not take into account the other child’s characteristics or needs (e.g. offers a crying classmate a stuffed animal, even though the child has another comfort object).
  
• Accepts compromise when resolving conflicts if it is suggested by an adult. For example, mum says, ‘Jackson, you can use that swing as soon as Jana gets off’. Seeks adult help in resolving a conflict; for example, goes to dad and says, ‘Jacob took my truck!’. Continues to learn simple alternatives to aggressive ways of dealing with conflicts. For example, trades one doll for a desired one by saying, ‘You have THIS dolly, OK?’"
  

 

Nice! I took a child development class and loved it. I wish that I was older and had this kind of infomation with my first son. I made mistakes because of ignorance. Educated parents these days have so many resources at their disposal. It's great sometimes, living in the information age.

[smarties]

Are people actually daring to throw stones at a mother who's daughter got pregnant at 14?

 

I am guessing if people are they know NOTHING about kids.

 

I grew up in an amazingly catholic home. I was grounded for the slightest thing.

I didn't drink, didn't smoke and never took drugs. I worked hard at everything I did and was very much liked within the community.

I was sexually active at 16 like many of my friends.

I had a child when I was 19, I am now 35 with 4 kids all to the same man, we are married own our own home, nice car and both have 3rd level qualifications, no help from our parents.

I talk about sex, birth control, homosexuality, oh god you name it we talk about it with our kids.

I don't allow my eldest child out very much but I am not stupid I know I am not in control of him. I can only hope and trust he and his siblings behave. I drop them off, I collect them. I check their phones but I do not presume that they are above temptation.

I have no expectations of my children therefore they can never let me down.

 

There are 13 year olds in the city I live in with kids. If you think teenages aren't having sex in school you are wrong.

Teens with sti's in their throats because they believe it safer then penetrative sex.

 

Now here's the whooper. I worked with the health bored on sexual health promotion amoung teens. It will burst your bubble if you thing that your angel isn't getting it on in some shape or form.

 

I worked with kids from disadvantaged areas and yes they were a little bit more out there but I also worked with the elite kids and they were up to all sorts.

 

Don't ever ever cast dispersions on other peoples parenting unless they are in the pub24/7 or abusing their kids. The majority of parents are trying their best and this mother has done her best. I take my hat off to her for being there. Her daughter is old enough now to be raising a 3 year old in fact her mum has done the hardest bit, the next 10 yrs will be easy for her and then she will again be old enough to deal with her teen.

 

Education is the best policy we all agree but it isn't a guarantee .

 

The grandchild is loved and taken care of. The daughter is a lucky girl.

Less judgement and more advice.

The horse has already bolted.

[nittygritty]

Are people actually daring to throw stones at a mother who's daughter got pregnant at 14?

 

I am guessing if people are they know NOTHING about kids.

 

I grew up in an amazingly catholic home. I was grounded for the slightest thing.

I didn't drink, didn't smoke and never took drugs. I worked hard at everything I did and was very much liked within the community.

I was sexually active at 16 like many of my friends.

I had a child when I was 19, I am now 35 with 4 kids all to the same man, we are married own our own home, nice car and both have 3rd level qualifications, no help from our parents.

I talk about sex, birth control, homosexuality, oh god you name it we talk about it with our kids.

I don't allow my eldest child out very much but I am not stupid I know I am not in control of him. I can only hope and trust he and his siblings behave. I drop them off, I collect them. I check their phones but I do not presume that they are above temptation.

I have no expectations of my children therefore they can never let me down.

 

There are 13 year olds in the city I live in with kids. If you think teenages aren't having sex in school you are wrong.

Teens with sti's in their throats because they believe it safer then penetrative sex.

 

Now here's the whooper. I worked with the health bored on sexual health promotion amoung teens. It will burst your bubble if you thing that your angel isn't getting it on in some shape or form.

 

I worked with kids from disadvantaged areas and yes they were a little bit more out there but I also worked with the elite kids and they were up to all sorts.

 

Don't ever ever cast dispersions on other peoples parenting unless they are in the pub24/7 or abusing their kids. The majority of parents are trying their best and this mother has done her best. I take my hat off to her for being there. Her daughter is old enough now to be raising a 3 year old in fact her mum has done the hardest bit, the next 10 yrs will be easy for her and then she will again be old enough to deal with her teen.

 

Education is the best policy we all agree but it isn't a guarantee .

 

The grandchild is loved and taken care of. The daughter is a lucky girl.

Less judgement and more advice.

The horse has already bolted.

 

Yep. Caylee Anthony comes to mind.

[sb129]

Nice! I took a child development class and loved it. I wish that I was older and had this kind of infomation with my first son. I made mistakes because of ignorance. Educated parents these days have so many resources at their disposal. It's great sometimes, living in the information age.

 

Yes, its great however it is very easy to fall into the "information overload" trap, and there is alot of conflicting stuff out there depending on what parenting style you think you "fit".....

 

Am taking most things I read as "interesting to note" rather than "gospel", as you really don't know until you are in the thick of it.

 

I am not criticising the OP, or her daughter- I am staying away from that arena.

I merely feel for the kid, as his life is going to be disrupted, and from what I have been reading, 3 isn't the best age for disruptions to take place.

[smarties]

Yep. Caylee Anthony comes to mind.

 

Ok I get her mother was a hideous woman but we aren't talking about her.

There is no room for comparison here.

[nittygritty]

Ok I get her mother was a hideous woman but we aren't talking about her.

There is no room for comparison here.

 

The OP has stated the following about her daughter:

 

"She is the most ungrateful, selfish person I have ever known"

 

She wrecked her car 3 weeks after she got it.

 

She's given her "hell" since she was 12 years old.

 

"She was arrested for shoplifting...with her son..."

 

"I could list all of the parents worst nightmares that this child has laid on me, but I won't"

 

"She has always pretty much been a defiant person. Even as a small child"

 

"She is not emotionally capable of having another baby. She doesn't nurture the one she has"

 

A defenseless 3 year old is at risk. The "sink or swim" approach does not protect her grandson from his teenage mother's problems. My advice is not to leave the toddler living alone with his irresponsible, 18 year old mother.

[scared007]

Thanks for the concern - they're doing great so far. Honestly, she's more attentive to him and happier than I've seen her. Maybe "I" was the one making "her" miserable???!!! Or maybe she and I bother feel the release of all the pressure.

 

Her father is there - in the same town - and is involved with their day to day life. Her grandparents are there, also, as well as two uncles, their wives, her cousins, etc. So maybe grandson wasn't "thrown to the wolves" after all.

[Phateless]

never mind. didn't read whole thread.

[scared007]

I wish I knew how to respond to each individual post.

 

Kenyth's post struck a chord with me, as I was very ignorant of how to parent a child such as my daughter. She WAS defiant, rebellious, all of those horrible things. I didn't know how to handle it, as I came from a background of "children are to be seen and not heard" and more pronounced, "You do as I say BECAUSE I SAID SO." That just never worked with her, and I so badly wish that I'd gotten help for myself, in order to be a more effective parent for her.

[scared007]

Just wanted to update on my daughter.

 

She is now 18 1/2 and has been on her own since last August. She has a roommate that has been her friend since middle-school.

 

She's now in her 2nd semester of college and working basically full-time at a fast food restaurant.

 

Her son will be 4 next month and is well-behaved and attending head start.

 

Our relationship is more affectionate and healthier than it's ever been. She even calls or texts just to tell me she loves her mom!

 

I'm so proud of her it brings tears of happiness to my eyes. She's doing such a good job.

[quankanne]

fantastic news, Mom! I think when a child moves out on his or her own and realizes just what all responsibilities that come along with being "grown-up," they have a whole new appreciation for their parents. I know I still do, and I'm 44!

[Phateless]

I wish I knew how to respond to each individual post.

 

Kenyth's post struck a chord with me, as I was very ignorant of how to parent a child such as my daughter. She WAS defiant, rebellious, all of those horrible things. I didn't know how to handle it, as I came from a background of "children are to be seen and not heard" and more pronounced, "You do as I say BECAUSE I SAID SO." That just never worked with her, and I so badly wish that I'd gotten help for myself, in order to be a more effective parent for her.

 

I was the same way in high school and am very affectionate with my parents now that I'm older.

 

Honestly, I felt completely suffocated by my parents holding me back from doing things other children my age were doing. I feel that they stunted my emotional growth and if they could have just RELAXED there would have been no need for all the fighting.

 

I feel that with statements such as "because I told you so" they discredited themselves in my eyes.

 

Either way, I'm SO glad to hear things are going well, and just wanted to share my experience from the other side of it, though I never got into any serious trouble or got anyone pregnant.