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Posted

good luck, and know that we're here for you. And remember, taking this step in no way means that you've stopped loving her – only that you've decided to stop putting up with shxtty behavior!

 

hugs,

q

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

What a sad situation for the both of you! I have been there and done this one......on your daughter's side of it. My situation however was so different..you sound like a great supportive mother that really has tried everything in your power to give your daughter a great start in life.

 

I had two children by 19. I was removed from my mom by the state at 16 and filed for emancipation and won. I just jumped straight into adulthood but had honestly been there for a few years as it was. Having two kids at her age is hell. Pure, absolute hell. For me it was....not sure how far you would take it when she leaves as far as support, etc. goes. I bought my daughters first crib from a crack dealer that robbed a house :o I was an honor roll student in all advanced placement courses, had a full scholarship, the whole nine yards. I wasn't an idiot. I was just playing house way to young and living the life of an adult due to a crappy situation. My husband and I eventually got out of our dire situations and now lead a comfortable life so it worked out....but I wouldn't wish it on a soul.

 

I hope you both the best, truly. I know it is going to hurt you something fierce if your grandson goes with her. Hopefully she grows up soon, gains responsibility for her actions and realizes how lucky she is to have a mom who cares!

Posted

Kick her out, and don't offer her anymore help. She is 18. She is a spoiled brat!!

 

Obviously, if her kids are in a rough spot you can feel free to offer support to them. But let her learn a lesson. Tell her she can move out and get a job and live in the real world for a few days. Do whatever you have to even if it means changing the locks and throwing all of her stuff on the curb.. she is ungrateful and selfish, and she will not get far in life if you let her take advantage of you.

 

I have been living without the support of my parents since I was 16.. believe it or not, I never would have learned to live in the adult world if my dad wouldn't have just kicked me out of the house. I was making adult decisions because I had to.. and it was much easier to grow up being faced with these choices. One of the major decisions was putting a baby up for adoption.

 

Give her the chance to put her big people pants on without your help. If that means she needs to fall on her ass a few times, let her.

 

You're a great mom.. and you'll still be a great mom if you show her some tough love.

Posted

I have followed this thread and your posts and have not replied until now because ...I thought this is not a road I have traveled as a parent so what could I do but feel for you?

 

But today, I had a thought that I'd like to offer.

I was a defiant child. I was always in trouble. A victim of myself really. I didnt grow up and take responsibility for the situations I put myself in until I had a child of my own at 30. Yep 30.

 

I had to do it for her. And I did. All of the values , common sense, and lessons my parents taught me came through. They had always been a part of me, I was listening, I just didnt know it myself.

 

I sometimes wish I had had a child earlier in my life so I would have been forced to use the things my parents taught me earlier in life.

 

If you make her do it...she can come through for herself and her kids.

It was hard for me even at that age, but my parents were deceased and I had no one to help or advise me. I think my "defiant" attitude helped me pull myself together during the many crisis I was faced with and somehow all of that anger turned into determination.

 

Your daughter deep down is still the girl you aimed to raised, she can come through.

Posted

I agree you need to have her leave.

 

Give her 30 days. HElp her but don' do it for her.

 

she is 18 she made her choice to have a baby now she has to take the responsibility.

Posted

I was 16 when i had my first child. It was not easy, the emotions, the life altering reality shift. It was alot to deal with. But i was never given the option to have someone else be the mommy for me. Which lets face it, your raising her child. Yes i lived at home, and my mother would ehlp. But i had my own job. I bought my own groceries, i did the laundry and i cleaned the house. On some days i would be so freaking aggitated with my mother because my son would be crying i was trying to do homework and cook dinner and she wouldnt help, i would have to ask. But looking back on in, i THANK her for doing that. My son was my responsibility, not hers. I learned all the lessons that i needed to become a responsible mother and maitain a beautiful house.

 

It was not easy, but i had a strong mother behind me that showed me the way.

 

You must make her responsible for herself, and toughen up.

 

IT IS THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO FOR HER.

Posted

Be strong but never let go completely.

 

Help her to look after herself and her soul first and foremost. Then she will be a good mother.

 

If this happened to me with my girls, I would blame myself for not nipping the negative behaviour pattern in the bud at a younger age.. I think she is doing this because she doesnt really know how to look after herself and so constantly needs attention.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

  • Author
Posted

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences and opinions.

 

She is NOT pregnant, after all. Thank God.

 

Today, she was approved for an apartment about 30 miles away in a larger town. She will sign the lease tomorrow. Woohoo!!! She is leaning heavily on her father right now (my ex), and he's allowing it, so I'm leaving everything up to them. I need a break from it all.

 

The tension and dysfunction between us has been just awful. I keep telling myself that I'm the mature one and that I have to maintain control, so I have. It's not possible for us to sit down and have a rational talk. I have too much anger towards her, so I try to keep my distance rather than become engaged and chance the anger spewing forth. I hope that with time, we'll be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

I'm worried for my grandson most of all. But I have to let it go. I know he'll be fine. I so NEED to be able to just be gramma. Wearing socks with holes doesn't kill a kid, I suppose.

 

I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt about my grandson. I feel like I'm throwing him to the wolves. But then I tell myself that "I" didn't give birth to him, and it's not my job. I think about how I'm nothing more than a babysitter right now, 24/7. And then I feel better.

 

Thanks again. The move is supposed to happen this weekend. I'll be breathing easier next week.

Posted
I'm not sure how to reply to each individual question or post, so I apologize. She has always pretty much been a defiant person. Even as a small child.

 

 

 

I dont know if anyone has mentioned this but reading your posts about what she does (stealing clothes she doesnt need) and specially what i quoted above makes me think she might have a personality disorder. Have you ever consider having her checked out by a psychologist/psychiatrist?

 

I agree that just giving and giving wont do much good for her, but also you can help her by making sure she has all the tools she needs to fend for herself. You said that your two other children are fine and you have no idea what happened with her. I say that if it turns out is a psychological problem it will be a lot easier to deal with knowing its not just her being defiant and you blaming yourself for something you did/didnt do. Now if it turns out she is fine and is just a brat, then by all means kick her out the door.

Posted

I think the core issue is a state of envy. The daughter is envious of her Mother for some reason and these exploits are to keep Mom attentive to her wants. At some point previously I think she had real needs but these have turned to significant wants.

 

Now that the emergency is over, I hope that Mom, daughter and Grandson can learn to meet on more equal ground. Probably without stepdad being present.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

Posted

I have too much anger towards her, so I try to keep my distance rather than become engaged and chance the anger spewing forth. I hope that with time, we'll be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

I'm worried for my grandson most of all. But I have to let it go. I know he'll be fine. I so NEED to be able to just be gramma. Wearing socks with holes doesn't kill a kid, I suppose.

 

I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt about my grandson. I feel like I'm throwing him to the wolves. But then I tell myself that "I" didn't give birth to him, and it's not my job. I think about how I'm nothing more than a babysitter right now, 24/7. And then I feel better.

 

.

 

 

This GREATLY concerns me.

 

I understand being frustrated, but being that angry with her, i just dont get. You have enabled her. You have allowed her to act the way she does. You have taught her it is ok to walk all over you. Yet you want to be angry with her?? That is NOT fair.

 

While i agree it is not right (i couldnt IMAGINE acting like this toward my mother) you have none the less allowed her to do this and rewarded her for her actions. You pick up after her, you clean for her, you care for her child for her. What did you expect????

 

And YES you need to step back and realize that YOU ARE NOT the mother of this child. She is. And it is her job to take care of him, even if it is not in the fashion that you would.

 

I feel that i must ask this. Do you take care of the child because you care or because you simply dont feel that your daughter is good enough to do so?

 

If you have always put yourself in the postion of "I can do it better" then it makes sense that your daughter leaves it to you. If your daughter doesnt feel as though she measures up to what you expect her to be then i can understand her actions.

 

Saying you feel like you are throwing your grandson to the wolves?????

 

That is his mother, and you should encourage her not make her feel like you think she is going to screw this up.

 

I think you need to work on some anger issues that you may have with yourself, because at the end of the day, daughters are a reflection of the way they were raised. Like it or hate it, that is the way it is.

 

You both need to look into counseling. Individual and together.

 

Again i will state i think your daughters behavior is HORRIBLE and i would not tolerate it in my household. But to be angry with her when you are allowing this behaviour is insane.

  • Author
Posted

I don't feel that I have "allowed" all of this to happen. The anger comes from KNOWING that she has been taught better. She's lived her whole life seeing me treat others respectfully, including MY mother, yet feels it's ok to be disrespectful towards me. Do I just roll over and take it? Of course not. Does it make me angry? Heck yeah it does. I've talked and talked and talked, one on one, over and over.

 

Do I think I provide better care for her son? Nope. If I thought I could do it better, I'd be fighting for custody. Regardless, she's his mother and responsible for his upbringing, just as I was responsible for hers.

 

And you're right - I have enabled her terribly.

Posted

I guess I have to be the voice of dissention here.

 

Your child had a child when she was still a child. While she still may be a legal adult, she's STILL a child. She's YOUR child.

 

I'm honestly aghast at how much you want her "gone." :(

Posted
I don't feel that I have "allowed" all of this to happen. The anger comes from KNOWING that she has been taught better. She's lived her whole life seeing me treat others respectfully, including MY mother, yet feels it's ok to be disrespectful towards me. Do I just roll over and take it? Of course not. Does it make me angry? Heck yeah it does. I've talked and talked and talked, one on one, over and over.

 

Do I think I provide better care for her son? Nope. If I thought I could do it better, I'd be fighting for custody. Regardless, she's his mother and responsible for his upbringing, just as I was responsible for hers.

 

And you're right - I have enabled her terribly.

 

Allowing and enabling are the EXACT same thing in this situation.

 

You enable her by allowing this behavior to happen while you reward her with a home, clothing, food, ect.

 

Talking is one thing, but it is the actions that are speaking here. I can tell me kid a hundred times to not eat junk food in his room. But he will continue to do so if there is no repercussion for his actions. When he is caught with junk food in his room there is a punishment involved. Nothing major, but enough to get the point across that when i say no it means no. This teaches him respect, and when a child respects you there is a better chance of civility in a parent child relationship.

 

I have not heard through any of these posts anything that is a repercussion for her actions. And as you have mentioned talking is not working.

 

I don't mean to come off brash (i know i can, sorry) i honestly wish the best for you and your daughter, but sometimes the hardest thing to do is a bit of self discovery.

Posted
I guess I have to be the voice of dissention here.

 

Your child had a child when she was still a child. While she still may be a legal adult, she's STILL a child. She's YOUR child.

 

I'm honestly aghast at how much you want her "gone." :(

 

Her daughter is rotten. There's only so much you can do in some situations, and in this case she needs to learn the hard way. Tough love. The girl is a spoiled brat, and needs to learn a valuable lesson.. life's not fair or easy.

  • Author
Posted

I hope she's just "spoiled rotten" and that it's a fully curable disease.

 

She has moved out now. She has a plan in place and will hopefully stick to her goals. Conversations between us already flow more smoothly and I'm hopeful that some time and distance will help with the hurt feelings for us both. I only cried a little bit.

 

I feared that someone would flame me for wanting her out of my house so badly, and someone said they are "aghast" by that. All I can say is, walk a mile in my shoes, and then we'll talk more about it.

 

I'm just so ready to move forward - for her to move on to college and to be as good a parent as she can be, and for me to have some peace (and quiet) in my life. I can't wait for play dates with my grandson, and to take him to McDonalds or the park or swimming, and then to take him home. I just want to be Gramma.

 

So, for now, I feel the crisis is over. We'll see where this next chapter leads us. I am still appreciative of ALL the opinions - positive and negative. We all need to be made to view things from other perspectives as often as possible. Thanks!

Posted

no, you're not selfish... you just had enough of her... it's time to let her do all the work as a mother to become responsible for all her actions. she must move out in your house so that she will know what life is beyond what she has done to herself. you've been a good mother and yet she's done all wrong despite your goodness. she must learn the lesson. you make her move out in the house and be responsible for her kid and herself because she's pregnant again. it's okay, you've done everything and it's not selfishness at all.

Posted

She will hate you for it now, because she is a senseless teenager. She will thank you for it later, when she's a mature adult.

Posted

At 14 years old there was no way that your daughter was emotionally mature enough to have and raise a child all by herself. You "stood by" her and allowed her to carry the pregnancy to full term and keep the baby and now you want them both out of your house because it's too stressful for you? :confused:

 

Other than graduating from high school and recently turning 18, your daughter hasn't demonstrated that she's mature and responsible enough to raise a child all by herself. For that matter, how is she going to be able to financially support herself and her child and go to college? :confused:

 

Your teenage daughter and 3 year old grandson are going to need help in order for them to get by.

  • Author
Posted

Daughter and grandson are doing well. She works and will receive financial aid for school. Grandson will be attending a Head Start program. Her father, Grandson's grandfather, will be there for the times that she's working or in school and Grandson needs a sitter, so she won't have that expense.

 

I saw a Dr. Phil show recently about a 15-year-old who was pregnant. Her parents went through so much turmoil because the girl refused an abortion, and the parents DID NOT want to raise another child. The mother wanted "her" time and were looking at the long-term effects of having a baby in the house. The parents knew that THEY would be the ones providing the care for the baby, despite all the talk the daughter did to the contrary. I identified with those parents completely. I will not feel guilty anymore for refusing to be the primary care-giver to my grandson, when his mother is perfectly capable of doing a great job on her own.

 

When we moved her into her apartment last weekend, I was glad to see her taking charge and already talking to Grandson about not jumping on the floor because there are people below, about not going out on the patio without a grownup, etc.

 

They'll be fine. And she'll do great. Because she HAS to...Mom isn't there anymore. And that's a good thing.

Posted

You don't have to answer this, but how much or what did you teach your daughter about sex before she got pregnant?

 

Did you try and teach her about birth control? Or abstinence? Or did you avoid the topic altogether? This isn't meant to be an attack, I'm just curious.

Posted

I saw a Dr. Phil show recently about a 15-year-old who was pregnant. Her parents went through so much turmoil because the girl refused an abortion, and the parents DID NOT want to raise another child. The mother wanted "her" time and were looking at the long-term effects of having a baby in the house. The parents knew that THEY would be the ones providing the care for the baby, despite all the talk the daughter did to the contrary. I identified with those parents completely. I will not feel guilty anymore for refusing to be the primary care-giver to my grandson, when his mother is perfectly capable of doing a great job on her own.

 

When we moved her into her apartment last weekend, I was glad to see her taking charge and already talking to Grandson about not jumping on the floor because there are people below, about not going out on the patio without a grownup, etc.

 

They'll be fine. And she'll do great. Because she HAS to...Mom isn't there anymore. And that's a good thing.

 

Perhaps Dr. Phil should have focused on the long-term effects of letting 14 and 15 year olds have and raise children all by themselves.

 

You couldn't handle the responsibility and stress of it but you're now expecting your teenage daughter "to be perfectly capable of doing a great job on her own"? :rolleyes:

 

The time to put your foot down was when your daughter was 12 and 14. Not after you irresponsibly "stood by" and allowed your 14 year old to get pregnant, carry the pregnancy to full-term and keep the baby. Now that your teenage daughter has turned 18 years old and has a 3 year old child to emotionally, physically and financially support, you no longer want to take any responsibility for the situation? You are being selfish, You should feel guilty.

 

Is your grandson's father paying child support and helping raise his child? If not, she needs to pursue child support from him. He should be held accountable for his part in all of this.

 

It's great that your daughter's father is saying that he will help her out. For your daughter and grandson's sake, hopefully he'll follow through and help give them the care and support that they are going to need.

Posted
You don't have to answer this, but how much or what did you teach your daughter about sex before she got pregnant?

 

Did you try and teach her about birth control? Or abstinence? Or did you avoid the topic altogether? This isn't meant to be an attack, I'm just curious.

 

From my experience ( 16 when i had my first)

 

Sex was a topic that was mainly avoided in my household.

 

My parents gave me a book when i was around 12 that explained what a period was and about hormones.

 

My first visit to the obgyn was when i ws 6 months along.

 

Now flip to my niece. I was very open with her (and my son) about the fact that i was very young when i had him.

 

We talked in lenght about sex and boys and pregnancy. And on several occasions offered to take her to the obgyn (her parents knew, so i wasnt overstepping. They talked to her as well but felt that perhaps my experience would be valuable to her.). And she assured me that i need not worry and that she would use my experience as a guide.

 

She just had her first child. She is 16.

 

So i wonder, does talking truly help? Should i have simply just taken her to the OBGYN instead of posing it as a question? Should her own parents stepped up and taken her? I don't know.

  • Author
Posted

I was very open with my children about sex. We talked about safe sex, safest sex, birth control...we talked. Alot.

 

I thought I'd enacted an open-door policy. Obviously not. Just as with the niece mentioned here, if my daughter at 14 had said she needed birth control, she would have gotten birth control. Yes, even at 14. We would have talked even MORE, but I could have at least protected her from pregnancy.

 

What's the answer? These intelligent young girls...all so smart and with such bright futures....don't "think" when it comes to sex. My daughter is a very smart girl. So how do we stop and make them THINK? Maybe the answer IS to take them to the doc.

 

To NittyGritty, I am not a selfish person. My whole life revolves around my children and grandchildren. So, you're wrong about some points. You are correct, however, in that when she was 12 or 14, I should have saw some signs. I should have tough-loved her from toddler-hood, I suppose. She needed it. She has no choice but to be responsible now. She knows right from wrong, she knows how to pay her bills, and hopefully she'll know sooner rather than later that when you have a good thing going for you, you care for it, not stomp on it.

Posted

I just feel sorry for the kid with all this disruption and angst in his life.

 

3 is such a critical age for emotional and social development in children, they need as much stability as possible at that age.

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