scared007 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My daughter is 18 today. I'm almost positive that she is pregnant. Again. She has a 3 year old son. Yes, she got pregnant at 14 and I stood by her. That little boy is the love of my life now, despite the challenges that come with having a toddler in the house. Yes, she lives with me. I think I'm going to lose my sanity. She is the most ungrateful, selfish person I have ever known. My older 2 children aren't like this. They are out on their own, making their own meager livings. She just graduated from high school. I told her 2 weeks ago that it was best if she moved out. I'm am so exhausted from the constant stress of her, plus trying to do the best for my grandson. I want so desperately to just be the "grandmother" that gets the weekends with her grandkids...my entire life is dictated by a 3 yr. old and his mother. I feel so selfish for wanting "my" life finally. She asked me yesterday if she could stay, to save up money for a car. My husband and I bought her a used car for graduation...that she wrecked 3 weeks later. An accident, I know, but just another burden on us. I have gone through so much hell with her since she was 12 that I'm just sick of it. I know her period's about 10 days late. I know that the gyn's office called for her today. I want her OUT. I want her out of my house. I want peace in my house, I want some ME time....and that sounds so selfish. I can't take another baby. Any suggestions/advice/differing perspectives?
Trimmer Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I'm absolutely not taking a position of advocacy one way or the other on this topic, but I believe it is piece of the puzzle that will become a part of the discussion one way or the other, so let's get it out there: do you have feelings, beliefs, strictures, etc. on the issue of abortion? It sounds like adding a newborn to the mix, with a daughter who is already demonstrating an inability to responsibly care for herself and her son on her own is likely to be a recipe for disaster, unless you are willing to "step up" your parenting role even more than you already take on. Just out of curiosity, was she using birth control and it failed, or was she not using it at all?
quankanne Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 my guess is that if she's careless with her possessions, and got pregnant at an early age, she's probably careless about birth control. After all, her folks bailed her out with the first baby, they'll do it again, in her way of thinking. Why should she be responsible? There's always a way around responsibility ... and she doesn't necessarily have to be a bad or evil person, just one who doesn't think past herself. hugs to you, scared – I know this must be really, really hard to deal with, but tough love is still a valid form of love. And your daughter is old enough to deal with the consequences in a mature manner. someone mentioned abortion; there's also adoption; there are homes/programs for women who are in crisis pregnancies and need a place to stay during their gestation period ... there are a whole lot of options she can consider, rather than just expect YOU and dad to do it all for her. the hardest part is going to be telling her, but if this is what you feel must be done to preserve sanity in your life (and force her to accept responsibility), you've got to do it. It doesn't mean you're a hateful or unloving parent, but one who understands that boundaries have to be set if the relationship is to survive in a healthy manner. one program I am familiar with is Project Gabriel, done through the Catholic Church. it helps women in crisis (read: unexpected) pregnancies explore their options. However, it is a pro-life ministry, abortion is not an option they tout. best of luck to you, and remember, you are NOT a bad mother for feeling this way, just one who is very, very aware of what is at stake if boundaries aren't set. in the meantime, have you done anything just for you/your husband lately to just ... "get away" from your responsibilities?
Lizzie60 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 My daughter is 18 today. I'm almost positive that she is pregnant. Again. She has a 3 year old son. Yes, she got pregnant at 14 and I stood by her. That little boy is the love of my life now, despite the challenges that come with having a toddler in the house. Yes, she lives with me. I think I'm going to lose my sanity. She is the most ungrateful, selfish person I have ever known. My older 2 children aren't like this. They are out on their own, making their own meager livings. She just graduated from high school. I told her 2 weeks ago that it was best if she moved out. I'm am so exhausted from the constant stress of her, plus trying to do the best for my grandson. I want so desperately to just be the "grandmother" that gets the weekends with her grandkids...my entire life is dictated by a 3 yr. old and his mother. I feel so selfish for wanting "my" life finally. She asked me yesterday if she could stay, to save up money for a car. My husband and I bought her a used car for graduation...that she wrecked 3 weeks later. An accident, I know, but just another burden on us. I have gone through so much hell with her since she was 12 that I'm just sick of it. I know her period's about 10 days late. I know that the gyn's office called for her today. I want her OUT. I want her out of my house. I want peace in my house, I want some ME time....and that sounds so selfish. I can't take another baby. Any suggestions/advice/differing perspectives? OMG... I feel for you.. What a brat!!!!... Strongly suggest an abortion.. she's obviously too irresponsible to have more kids... tell her that, unless she gets an abortion, she's on her own... You're not going to raise her whole family .. are you? I would kick her butt..
Author scared007 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I'm just lost. She was supposed to start college this fall, but didn't take care of financial aid and waited for someone else (guess who) to do it. I've tried to hard to give her a good life. I don't understand where I went wrong. She walks into a room where I am and it feels like a wet blanket of negativity was just thrown on me. I don't know why she hates me, but that's what it feels like. Abortion wouldn't be my choice...adoption would. She is not emotionally capable of having another baby. She doesn't nurture the one she has. Tough love, it WILL be. She has to go. Get out on her own and handle this life of hers. I've paid my dues, and it saddens to me to know I feel that way. Parenthood is supposed to be rewarding, joyous, yadayadayada. My husband is her stepfather. She didn't even send him a "happy father's day" text message, when he's the one who works all night then rushes home to get HER to work. When he's the man who has been in her son's life since he was 1 month old. I know that my husband does what he does for me, not necessarily her, and enough is enough. I know that she has to leave our home. I guess she'll just have to call her father to come pick her and her son up. This 3 year old child has been what has given me the most pause. But anytime in the past, during hard times, that I've mentioned taking custody of him and letting her go on to live her life, it became clear that he'd be the victim in all this, because she wouldn't willingly let that happen. I am a firm believer in fate, karma, God's plan, whatever you want to call it...and I know that everything happens for a reason. I didn't give birth to him and it's not my duty to raise him....right now. I won't fight her now. But when the time comes that he needs me, I'll be there. I hope that time never comes. I hope she turns all this around and becomes a productive member of society. I don't WANT to raise anymore kids....obviously didn't do a very good job with her.
Lizzie60 Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Come on.. don't say that... you did your best, just like with your other kids... I can feel that you're a great mother... It's her choice now.. I know it's extremely hard for you to let go.. but you have to... because if you don't.. right now... you'll end up raising kids after kids.. and in 10 years from now.. she'll be at the same place.. because she knows you're there.. The only way for her to 'wake up' and get her life together is by being solely responsible for her choices and the consequences of those choices. Take care,... and please don't feel guilty.. you did your best.. it's up to her now to do her part...
quankanne Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 as cold as this sounds, start documenting her relationship with him, good and not so good. So that when it comes time to consider a custody case, you have viable proof that she's hasn't lived up to her mothering responsibilities. this in no way means you're being hateful or vindictive toward her ... it's not about her, it's about that helpless and innocent child who needs someone on his side when his mother refuses to be responsible for his welfare.
Author scared007 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I've been battling myself over this need to save myself vs. the need to save her vs. the need to save my grandson. But the bottom line is that she will take advantage of us and never be held responsible for her actions as long as "I" allow that. And this new pregnancy, if it turns out to be, will be the final straw. The sooner I kick her butt out the door, the sooner she realizes that she has to sink or swim, the sooner she realizes that without Mama there to be gramma to her son she is a full-time parent....the sooner he can have a safe, stable life, with or without her. I know I'll worry. I know I'll have sleepless nights. She has to grow up and face the music.
Adunaphel Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 I support the advice other posters gave you of giving her some tough love and forcing her to accept her responsabilities... just make sure that she knows you still love her. If she happened to read your posts she'd get the feeling you do not love her and that she is a disappointment. Feeling rejected and hated by her own parents is not going to help her to get in control of her own life. Not implying that you do not love her... it's just that teenagers who are very fragile (your daughter probably is, surely she has a lot of personal issues) tend to easily get that feeling. So it would be great if she did not feel rejected as your daughter.
WineCountry Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 as cold as this sounds, start documenting her relationship with him, good and not so good. So that when it comes time to consider a custody case, you have viable proof that she's hasn't lived up to her mothering responsibilities. this in no way means you're being hateful or vindictive toward her ... it's not about her, it's about that helpless and innocent child who needs someone on his side when his mother refuses to be responsible for his welfare. I agree with this.
Author scared007 Posted June 25, 2009 Author Posted June 25, 2009 I just can't figure out where I went wrong. What HAPPENED? I was absolutely devastated to learn that my 14-year-old daughter was pregnant. What did I do wrong as her mother? It's not just the pregnancy. She was arrested for shoplifting...WITH her son....and had to do community service. She was trying to steal clothes for him, when he's the last kid who needs new clothes. I could list all of the parents worst nightmares that this child has laid on me, but I won't. I just wish I knew what parenting skills I lacked with her. I have talked and talked and talked to her since his birth about birth control and no sexual activity without it. She's beautiful, intelligent, and very charismatic - with other people besides me. And I do love her, very much. She is my beautiful baby girl. This is very difficult.
Adunaphel Posted June 25, 2009 Posted June 25, 2009 Please do not assume that whatever goes wrong with a kid is related with their parents' parenting skills! You can be the greatest mother in the world and still your sons or daughters could do extremely stupid things. It would not be your fault! You said that you feel like she hates you... have you and your daughter ever talked about this feeling? I am under the impression that many teenagers have a lot of wrong ideas about their parents...one of the major ones being they cannot talk to them about serious issues because 'they could not understand anyway'. I hope you can manage to handle this situation and make the right choice... I also hope it can be an occasion to improve communication with your daughter. It must have taken a lot of strength to handle the situation the first time your daughter got pregnant, a lot more strength to raise your grandson.
quankanne Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 she's making her choices regardless of what she's learned at your knee. All you can do is love her and look forward to the day when she gets an epiphany about how she ought to be behaving in life! we're kind of going through a similar situation with a family member who refuses to leave an abusive marriage and is keeping the kids in that environment. It's tearing her mom apart, but she has decided that while she loves her daughter and would do anything for her, her grandkids are the ones who are helpless and need for her to stand up for them. It's getting ugly, but we pray that her daughter comes to the realization that mom/grandma is doing this out of love for her and those little ones, not because she's trying to destroy that family the way the daughter thinks she is. you have my prayers, and all the support you need from me, mama! hugs, quank
mistletoe Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 i'm 19 this year. and if i had gotten myself pregnant, or my sister, we would have been kicked out of the house a long time ago. i can bet on it. you are the kindest, most tolerant and most forgiving mum i've met:) hugs! and hang on. it isn't really the upbringing of the parents for their child but, the child herself who makes her own decisions at the end of the day(even though knowing it is wrong) the bravest thing any parent like you can do now after all that lectures and long talk, is to let your child make her own mistake and learn from it.
Athena Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 Is your daughter in a stable relationship now? The 'father' of this new child (if she is indeed pregnant) -- can he be counted on to help parent the child/ren with your daughter?
Author scared007 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 She still adamantly denies that she's pregnant. She is not in a serious relationship, but there are dates here and there. So I don't know who the father might be. One would hope that SHE knows. I feel like I'm in that proverbial "rock and a hard place" place. She is taking advantage of me, I feel. Yesterday was her 18th birthday. I tried to talk her into requesting her "birthday dinner" which is our family tradition and she just wasn't interested. So my husband went grocery shopping and made something special, which she turned her nose up at. She had a birthday cake. She didn't bother to eat supper with us, but ate later, alone, in her room. Sigh. Why does she think that we are responsible for taking her back and forth to work, providing childcare for her son, keeping a roof over her head and food in her mouth, making sure she can have clean clothes and running water and electricity, when she treats us that way? She heard me having a hard time dealing with her son at one point, but she just ignored it, and I had to send him to her. She didn't bother coming to get him to take him off my hands. THAT is the crap that makes me angry. She did take him to bed when I told her it was bedtime. So no conclusion on the pregnancy suspicion. I'm just so very tired of it all. Two days ago when I sat her down to talk, she again made statements like "I don't talk to y'all, so we won't have any problems." It's not the first time she's said things like that. She doesn't like me, she doesn't like my husband, she doesn't like living where we live, she doesn't like the house...what should I do?
Citizen Erased Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 She doesn't like me, she doesn't like my husband, she doesn't like living where we live, she doesn't like the house...what should I do? You know what you need to do. She needs to go. She sounds like any other 18 year old, immature and with an attitude problem. Problem being it's just not going to cut it, she is a mother. Surviving on her own would help her grow up. Face it, with you there as a permanent baby sitter, her meals provided etc etc she could be with you until she's 30...and with the same attitude to boot. You need to make her leave.
blind_otter Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 I was just wondering if there were any events in her life that precipitated this - has she always been defiant and resistant and emotionally withdrawn, or did this change happen suddenly? I ask because my behavior changed very dramatically with my parents - I went from being a straight A, obedient, high achieving and loving daughter to a resentful and resistant druggie. I was raped pretty violently when I was 19, and this is the event that cause the dramatic change in my behavior. It's been 10 years. My mother still doesn't know. We are just now rebuilding our relationship. Sometimes I wish I had been with it enough to communicate to her what had happened to me, that I was lost and I couldn't see in the dark to even ask her to reach out her hand to help me. 18 is a tough age. I wish you well and hope that you find happiness in the choices that you decide to make.
sally4sara Posted June 26, 2009 Posted June 26, 2009 She still adamantly denies that she's pregnant. She is not in a serious relationship, but there are dates here and there. So I don't know who the father might be. One would hope that SHE knows. I feel like I'm in that proverbial "rock and a hard place" place. She is taking advantage of me, I feel. Yesterday was her 18th birthday. I tried to talk her into requesting her "birthday dinner" which is our family tradition and she just wasn't interested. So my husband went grocery shopping and made something special, which she turned her nose up at. She had a birthday cake. She didn't bother to eat supper with us, but ate later, alone, in her room. Sigh. Why does she think that we are responsible for taking her back and forth to work, providing childcare for her son, keeping a roof over her head and food in her mouth, making sure she can have clean clothes and running water and electricity, when she treats us that way? She heard me having a hard time dealing with her son at one point, but she just ignored it, and I had to send him to her. She didn't bother coming to get him to take him off my hands. THAT is the crap that makes me angry. She did take him to bed when I told her it was bedtime. So no conclusion on the pregnancy suspicion. I'm just so very tired of it all. Two days ago when I sat her down to talk, she again made statements like "I don't talk to y'all, so we won't have any problems." It's not the first time she's said things like that. She doesn't like me, she doesn't like my husband, she doesn't like living where we live, she doesn't like the house...what should I do? There is a saying one of my older relatives told me a long time ago. "Gratitude breeds resentment". She sounds angsty over being face to face with how much gets done for her and she has yet to find the motivation to change her circumstances. Your help is no long a help but rather a handicap to her now. And she is too scared to cast off the crutches and stand alone. Why would a person steal clothes for a child that doesn't need new clothes? To see what it is like to be a provider. Kick her out and, if you really do love her, don't let her move back in. If she brings the kid to you to take in, do so, but don't let her back in.
Author scared007 Posted June 26, 2009 Author Posted June 26, 2009 Again, I very much appreciate the responses. Your opinions and going back and reading my own words helps my perspective.
Just Angel Posted June 27, 2009 Posted June 27, 2009 I was very much like your daughter, I am ashamed to say. I had an exception mother, so my issues werent due to her teachings or lack of. I just felt entitled somehow to have everything I wanted to be handed to me. The turning point in my life was when she finally had enough. She wrote me a beautiful, heartfelt letter that she gave to me just before sitting me down and telling me that it was because she loved me so much, she was making me leave. Her heart was breaking and I knew it. I was forced to stop being just her daughter at that point. I had to be an adult (I was 19) and a mother. Mom was no longer there to do my laundry and raise my son, remind me and drive me to my appts, etc. She 'weaned' me off her as gently as she could tho. For the first month or so she came to my house a few times a week. Helped me clean, played with my son, went out shopping with me. Im sure part of this was so that she could monitor how I was doing for my son as well as myself. She was also trying to teach me how to be a woman, and on a more friend-level with her. When I called her with a problem, she no longer tried fixing it for me. Instead, she sympathized and asked what my options were. She gave suggestions and remained as unbiased as she could. My mom became my best friend and I am so very thankful for what she did. Tough love *is* tough. Both for you and for your daughter. Its a heart-wrentching love action that only a strong mother can give as a gift to her child. I would strongly suggest that you help her grow up. If you'd rather take your grandbaby (rather than social services should the situation go that way), Id be very clear with your daughter about him. Ie- I will take him on these days and only these days, I will take him long term only if you are willing to sign over guardianship of himto me, etc. Otherwise, she will pawn him off onto you frequently and your life will still be ruled by her. Sending you hugs, encouragement, love, strength and peace.
lildiva385 Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Don't let someone became a priority in your life, when u are just an option in theirs!!!!!
D-Lish Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Your daughter needs to go. Everything you are doing is enabling her.
alphamale Posted June 29, 2009 Posted June 29, 2009 Your daughter needs to go. Everything you are doing is enabling her. indeed....
Author scared007 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Posted June 29, 2009 I'm not sure how to reply to each individual question or post, so I apologize. She has always pretty much been a defiant person. Even as a small child. I know I'm enabling her. I know I'm very, very angry with her for behaving like this, to the point where I had an angry dream about her Saturday night. I know all this is building up - with me, her, and my husband - and he and I talked last night about the need to not blow our cool. She expected me to give her $20 today for something that SHE scheduled for herself, when she blew her whole paycheck. I refused. I'm done forking over money. So she thinks I've "done her wrong" again. I love the idea about the letter - we can't seem to communicate anymore, on any level. She needs to know that I love her, and want so very much for her to be happy and successful, but that I can't deal with her behavior. It's time for her to leave the nest.
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