tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 between last night and today, it has become abundantly clear that i am not ready to be divorced. i have zero proof of a PA, and until i do, i can't blindly make accusations. hell, i've disappeared several nights myself since this started and haven't cheated. Why does everybody always look for the nail in the coffin rather then focus on whats right in front of them. I wasted so much time and energy asking if she was cheating, trying to catch her, wondering with who etc. i completely ignored what was right in front of me. Focus on what you know MayI, work on that, rather then what if's. Work on why she left, not what shes doing while shes gone. Thats your only chance of getting her back. TOJAZ
LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 between last night and today, it has become abundantly clear that i am not ready to be divorced. i have zero proof of a PA, and until i do, i can't blindly make accusations. hell, i've disappeared several nights myself since this started and haven't cheated. Yes, I think you have been in the anger stage. Just take your time.
Author MrMayI Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 this is one hell of a ride, and what's the worst is at this point it truly is all within me. what i feel guilty for. what i could've done. what i want out of life. all that jazz. i'm just busted up today. frankly, i hope i wake up in the anger stage again tomorrow. it really seemed to be working for me. i really do want to just get the paperwork signed and get all of this overwith. no sense in dragging it out any further. this woman has lost all trust i ever could've had for her. i almost feel as though i don't even love her anymore.
delajoonal Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 hmmm...there must be something to that ANGRY mode??? everyone including my doctor keeps telling me to get mad/angry... and i read it here on LS all the time... but i a can't..no matter how mean he is to me..i just feel sorry for him and the sap i am, i just think of the good times...wth? why can't i think of the bad crud too??? ok...so MrMayI how do i get really ANGRY..i m not kidding? he even took MY 50" plasma..AFTER we signed the property division papers...the ink was NOT even dry and he was in the parking lot screaming about how he is keeping MY TV...argh! he hates TV, he said it was just to take something from me that made me happy and i enjoyed....wtf? what in the world did i do to deserve THAT??? he had the EA...LOL now i get mad at that stuff...but it never lasts more than a few moments.. then i cry and cry like a big ol' baby! but now,..I WANT MY DARN TV BACK..I'M SO NOT KIDDING!
Author MrMayI Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 hmmm...there must be something to that ANGRY mode??? everyone including my doctor keeps telling me to get mad/angry... and i read it here on LS all the time... but i a can't..no matter how mean he is to me..i just feel sorry for him and the sap i am, i just think of the good times...wth? why can't i think of the bad crud too??? ok...so MrMayI how do i get really ANGRY..i m not kidding? he even took MY 50" plasma..AFTER we signed the property division papers...the ink was NOT even dry and he was in the parking lot screaming about how he is keeping MY TV...argh! he hates TV, he said it was just to take something from me that made me happy and i enjoyed....wtf? what in the world did i do to deserve THAT??? he had the EA...LOL now i get mad at that stuff...but it never lasts more than a few moments.. then i cry and cry like a big ol' baby! but now,..I WANT MY DARN TV BACK..I'M SO NOT KIDDING! i can't tell you how to get angry. i can tell you that the tv is a really good starting point. the awful things he says to you. don't let them make you sad. get angry about it. i curse my wife's name all of the time. i condemn her in my mind for what she's done. i watch MY family and their sorrow for what i'm going through, and their anger for what's been done to not only me, but my daughter. i listen to my friends tell me over and over '**** HER!'. i have a wealth of reasons to be angry. granted, it sticks here and there. i'd still be angry had i not disappointed myself with my thoughts and actions. she's coming over tonight. i don't know what to say to her really except that this has absolutely gone on for long enough. two weeks is enough time to have decided whether she wants to work on things, or cut the cord. i hope she's happy. i really do, because she has left a ****storm in her wake. i also hope she wakes up one day and looks back at what she's done, and can't bear to look at herself.
Author MrMayI Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 our daughter is showing signs of withdrawal whenever she comes back from the wife's house. it really bothers me. she's always in the best of moods when she's with me. i don't suspect anything going on i should be concerned about, i just think she doesn't like being there so much. i don't know.
Owl Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I read your comment over on the other thread about the advice you needed to hear today, so I came by and caught up on your thread as well. I want to ask you...are your and your wife's finances totally seperated? Is she completely funding her own fantasy world at this point? If so...then I'd suggest you stop waiting on a response from her on the papers, and go to your lawyer and have her officially served. If she gets angry, tell her she's had them for weeks and done nothing...so you're moving ahead with how they're written right now. Make sure that they're in your favor...or at the very LEAST, equitable. You're still hurting because you're still sitting in limbo. You're not healing...you're still bleeding, and nothing is being done to treat the wound. Taking back control of your life is the first step. Stop letting your wife dictate terms...stop waiting for her response on the papers before you file, stop waiting to see if she'll come by, etc... You may not want your marriage to end...but it surely can't survive what it's going through right now, can it? Better to kill it quick than to keep suffering as you have been. Take action...I think I've said this before, but women can't respect a man they can walk all over...and they can't love a man that they can't respect. Being a whimp is unattractive. Taking charge, fighting for yourself and your daughter is very attractive. Doing what you've been doing is getting you nothing but more limbo and pain. Time to change. If you don't change...why on Earth would you expect her to?
Author MrMayI Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 I read your comment over on the other thread about the advice you needed to hear today, so I came by and caught up on your thread as well. I want to ask you...are your and your wife's finances totally seperated? Is she completely funding her own fantasy world at this point? If so...then I'd suggest you stop waiting on a response from her on the papers, and go to your lawyer and have her officially served. If she gets angry, tell her she's had them for weeks and done nothing...so you're moving ahead with how they're written right now. Make sure that they're in your favor...or at the very LEAST, equitable. You're still hurting because you're still sitting in limbo. You're not healing...you're still bleeding, and nothing is being done to treat the wound. Taking back control of your life is the first step. Stop letting your wife dictate terms...stop waiting for her response on the papers before you file, stop waiting to see if she'll come by, etc... You may not want your marriage to end...but it surely can't survive what it's going through right now, can it? Better to kill it quick than to keep suffering as you have been. Take action...I think I've said this before, but women can't respect a man they can walk all over...and they can't love a man that they can't respect. Being a whimp is unattractive. Taking charge, fighting for yourself and your daughter is very attractive. Doing what you've been doing is getting you nothing but more limbo and pain. Time to change. If you don't change...why on Earth would you expect her to? you're right. however, i don't feel i've been a wimp at all. i initiated no contact, and have made sure it sticks. i do know exactly what you mean about the wound not healing. it hasn't. it's not going to until this is all said and done. i really don't feel that i'm in limbo anymore. i feel like we're finished, but for some reason she won't sign the papers. i have talked to my attorney. i'm going to have her served with them exactly how her copy looks. i can't wait any longer for it to happen. the papers are completely beneficial to me and our daughter, and her as well. our finances are completely separated.
Author MrMayI Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 i'd like to think i haven't had her served with the papers because i'm afraid of the absolute end, or something like that. the truth is, i don't know why i haven't had it done. i know that if she came to me today asking to work on things, i'd absolutely say no. i know that if she said she'd sign, i'd be fine with that. i still can't figure out what it is in myself that's causing me not to have her served.
PWSX3 Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 i'd like to think i haven't had her served with the papers because i'm afraid of the absolute end, or something like that. the truth is, i don't know why i haven't had it done. i know that if she came to me today asking to work on things, i'd absolutely say no. i know that if she said she'd sign, i'd be fine with that. i still can't figure out what it is in myself that's causing me not to have her served. The unknown.......... We are comfortable with what we know, we are afraid to go outside our box, afraid things will be turned upside down & then what?????? Sometimes the basket needs to be turned upside down in order for us to move forward in life......
Author MrMayI Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 The unknown.......... We are comfortable with what we know, we are afraid to go outside our box, afraid things will be turned upside down & then what?????? Sometimes the basket needs to be turned upside down in order for us to move forward in life...... i absolutely agree with you, owl, chrome, gunny, everybody. the advice here is always great. i really think my biggest issue is taking what she said to stock. she doesn't know what she wants, but she knows right now it's not a divorce. if she pulls her **** together and we work it out later, great. i don't know if it's just that i reveal too much on here, and i get myself all messed up, and disoriented, or if i just don't want to serve divorce, because i hold a shade of hope to god still. this is terrible. i'm a little afraid of the unknown, but quite honestly, marriage was the unknown. her moving out was the unknown. me moving with our daughter is the unknown. i just don't know if that's quite it.
tojaz Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 i absolutely agree with you, owl, chrome, gunny, everybody. the advice here is always great. i really think my biggest issue is taking what she said to stock. she doesn't know what she wants, but she knows right now it's not a divorce. if she pulls her **** together and we work it out later, great. i don't know if it's just that i reveal too much on here, and i get myself all messed up, and disoriented, or if i just don't want to serve divorce, because i hold a shade of hope to god still. this is terrible. i'm a little afraid of the unknown, but quite honestly, marriage was the unknown. her moving out was the unknown. me moving with our daughter is the unknown. i just don't know if that's quite it. MayI, I'm about as pro save your marriage as you can get, but if that was true, she'd get off her a$$ and put an end to all this, or at least start trying. Having her served isn't necessarily the end. It's a line in the sand telling her that you have been pushed as far as you are willing to go! Papers or not, shes the only one who can decide what happens next, but you can decide how long your willing to put up with it. (not that I'm a great example, I learn by F****ing up!) TOJAZ
Author MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 MayI, I'm about as pro save your marriage as you can get, but if that was true, she'd get off her a$$ and put an end to all this, or at least start trying. Having her served isn't necessarily the end. It's a line in the sand telling her that you have been pushed as far as you are willing to go! Papers or not, shes the only one who can decide what happens next, but you can decide how long your willing to put up with it. (not that I'm a great example, I learn by F****ing up!) TOJAZ i know exactly what you're saying. i just need to type this out, and see if it seems to be effort or just more smoke up my a$$. the wife came over last night for a good while. our daughter was at a function, and wanted to stay at mommy's last night, so she came and hung out with me to wait on her. well, of course the conversation went back to "us", but not in the way it has. we were discussing our daughter's school starting next week, and how we're going to handle it. she said it'd be best if i have her half the week, and she has her half the week. i told her that is completely ridiculous, because ever since she left i don't believe our daughter has any form of normality or structure to her life, and that it is high time she gets it back. she said something to the effect of "oh. so i'll only get to see her when i'm able to come by and see her then?". i said absolutely not. i just want her to know what HOME is, i want her to be able to actually say THIS IS MY HOME, and not "mommy's house" or "daddy's house". she seemed agreeable with that. i did say that i don't see the problem with her having her stay there maybe one night during the school week, and she can drop her off, pick her up, and keep her until i get in from work the next evening. we then got into us. i told her that i find it very unnerving that she and i have spoken maybe for 5 minutes or so since i gave her the papers 2, almost 3 weeks ago. i asked her had she thought anymore about them, and she said she has often. she just doesn't know what to tell me or do. i said that i can't force her to sign them, but i'm nearing the end of my rope with the waiting game, and that if there's going to be no effort into getting ourselves back to civility and seeing if there's any hope then i see no point in the game anymore. it just needs to end. she then told me she was thinking she and i could do something together this weekend, just us. i told her while that sounds good, i don't want to be somewhere and mention "us" and her flip on me all over again. i let her know that i'm not mentioning "us" to bait her into moving back with me, or to get her in the bed. i'm mentioning "us" because we are still married, and as long as she's not saying she wants a divorce, i can only assume she wants to still be married, so "us" is completely relevant. she says she understands that. that's all i can muster right now. i have to do a couple of functions for our daughter through the weekend, with the wife, so i just don't know what's going to happen. damnit!
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 MayI, she's cake eating, first it was "I don't know what I want" then you said you were done, so all of a sudden "I was thinking maybe we could do something this weekend?" Funny how she didn't mention that before you said you would have her served then?!
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 MayI, I just read your post on my thread, sorry I put it so bluntly!
Author MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 MayI, she's cake eating, first it was "I don't know what I want" then you said you were done, so all of a sudden "I was thinking maybe we could do something this weekend?" Funny how she didn't mention that before you said you would have her served then?! i'm sorry. i think i mistyped that part of it. she actually mentioned us doing something together a few days ago, but i blew it completely off. blunt is what i need. i need to be bashed upside the head with it. i've really taken all of the advice i've gotten here and from the counselor in. i've come to grips with no more marriage. i really have. NC works well too. i think right now it is crucial for me to have civility with her. i feel it's mostly for our child. i don't want her growing up thinking mommy and daddy hate each other.
Author MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 i feel nowhere near back to square one. i've come a great distance since this all began. however, if the opportunity is there for me to get together with my wife and possibly reopen a dialogue that can let us both see if we really want to go on, why shouldn't i? i have zero intention of begging. if she doesn't want the marriage to be saved, that really is okay. i can't force it, and i'm not really sure it's what i want anymore, either. i've accepted my faults in the marriage, but i've also started really remembering what she did that made me start to want out as well. i can remember when all of this started, and she was still at home with us. i was essentially pulling a 180 without even knowing it. i told her if she wanted to move that was fine. know that i didn't want it, but i wasn't apt to fight it either. everything was all smiles and agreeable, even though i was falling apart. somewhere along the way, we had a lengthy discussion about her moving out, and she said "i don't want to be moving back in 2 months just because we missed one another, and didn't work anything out". i agreed to that. i agreed to that. honestly, it hasn't even been 2 months since she moved out. we basically told each other that it was going to be a lengthy separation, possibly into divorce. yet, i have tried and tried to MAKE something happen several times. damn, i'm losing my mind.
phineas Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 You really need to find out if there is someone else. If she is even talking to another man it needs to end. My wife pulled the same "spend the weekend" crap on me when she realized I was fed up with her "I don't know what I want" BS. she wanted to string me along a little more.
Owl Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I say take her out, and have the best night together the two of you have ever had. Do something FUN AND EXCITING...something that you would have done with her when you were younger, but haven't done or thought about in years. Dancing maybe, or a carnival. Don't just do "dinner and a movie". Make it EXCITING. And don't talk about "us" even once during the whole evening. Drop her off at her place, or at her car at your place, and end let the night end PERFECTLY. Leave her alone the rest of the weekend...don't initiate any contact at all. And if you've not heard from her on Monday, call her and ask the status of the d papers. Don't be angry or cold, and don't be all sweetness and sunlight. Just be cordial and polite. If she asks why you're asking, be polite but evasive. "Oh, just curious.". Let her start working through the 'mixed messages'. It'll throw her off balance, and it might well 'push her off her fence'.
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 I say take her out, and have the best night together the two of you have ever had. Do something FUN AND EXCITING...something that you would have done with her when you were younger, but haven't done or thought about in years. Dancing maybe, or a carnival. Don't just do "dinner and a movie". Make it EXCITING. And don't talk about "us" even once during the whole evening. Drop her off at her place, or at her car at your place, and end let the night end PERFECTLY. Leave her alone the rest of the weekend...don't initiate any contact at all. And if you've not heard from her on Monday, call her and ask the status of the d papers. Don't be angry or cold, and don't be all sweetness and sunlight. Just be cordial and polite. If she asks why you're asking, be polite but evasive. "Oh, just curious.". Let her start working through the 'mixed messages'. It'll throw her off balance, and it might well 'push her off her fence'. Love it! Owl I swear you are a genuis! Give her a taste of her own MayI, let her find out how it feels. Re the exciting date thing, that's actually a good tip, people tend to bond when things are emotionally charged, so a carnvial or horse racing etc are great ideas!
Author MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 it's actually an event we've been to numerous times, but always had fun when we went together. it's monthly. i've been alone the past 2 months, and was a little miserable. i really don't know what to do. i'm having a really ****ty experience with the roller coaster right now. just not wanting to become completely depressed again. i swear if not for my little girl and my family close by, i'd be moving somewhere way off right about now.
Author MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 the backslide is great (sarcasm). i found the first picture i ever took of my wife in my desk here at work, and fell apart. i can't believe how far i've fallen. i truly hope the move will turn things around a bit. i really think i should go back to NC/LC. apparently, seeing her brought me back down to my knees.
delajoonal Posted August 6, 2009 Posted August 6, 2009 mrMay... i am right there with you...the Fabulous BACKSLIDE..ack! where does IT come from and WHY? we were doing do well... and whammo! it's sucky... i guess i have no advice...just want you to know that someone else is right THERE with you... somes that old adage is comforting... misery loves company???...;0
Author MrMayI Posted August 6, 2009 Author Posted August 6, 2009 mrMay... i am right there with you...the Fabulous BACKSLIDE..ack! where does IT come from and WHY? we were doing do well... and whammo! it's sucky... i guess i have no advice...just want you to know that someone else is right THERE with you... somes that old adage is comforting... misery loves company???...;0 thanks dela. i can look right at her, and tell myself "i don't want her back", and really mean it. i mean, REALLY mean it. then, she's gone again, and something inside of me clicks. i'm going to be around her for the next 4 days at some point in each day, all involving our daughter. it's really going to be tough. to be a family again, if only for a brief moment, and then go our separate ways. god, i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i love that little girl so much. i just can't understand how someone can become so blind, so polluted by interaction with others, that they can LITERALLY convince themselves that the one who was ALWAYS there for them never really was. i just don't get it. i didn't always treat her like gold, but i was always, always right there. i never turned my back. i just bobble between sadness and anger when i think of my little girl growing up in a broken home. i know psychologically and physically she will be okay, but damn if it just doesn't break my heart over and over again.
tojaz Posted August 7, 2009 Posted August 7, 2009 MAYI, first off, if you don't take her out and follow Owls advice to the letter, I'm going to beat you upside the head with a 2X4!! This is an opportunity most of us would kill for.
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