Author MrMayI Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 I think it's going to take some time for all the questions to go away. I don't like them, but they creep in anyways. It's how you let them effect you that you can control. Thats where you 're going to see progress. TOJAZ that's true. i think i'll be questioning it all for a long time, whether i want to want to or not. i woke up first thing this morning and thought about my parents. they've been married almost 45 years. my wife's father walked out when she was 4. she's never seen him again. i was thinking of what i've heard. that children from broken marriages have a seemingly easier time dealing with their own sep/div later in life, if it happens. that's where it actually turns into OUR problem, not just mine or hers. i know kids can grow up well adjusted with parents who aren't together, but when the lifestyles they grow up around, and the parents have such diverse parenting techniques, it can really effect the child's identity. i wanted our daughter to be well rounded her entire life. i can already see personality changes in her.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 If you can cope and adjust well, then your daughter will as well, she will follow your example. My parents divorced when i was fairly young, but it was handled well and looking back the transition was easy for me and my sister, an adjustment to be sure, but the trauma was minimal. Counseling helped a lot in that time as well. You may want to consider that for your daughter if it's age appropriate. I'm sorry, I don't remember her age though. TOJAZ
Author MrMayI Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 i have really let this vicious cycle consume me for too long. i have to really start moving on.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Theres moving on and theres moving forward. Which are you looking at? Moving on means leaving her behind. Moving forward means just that, not sitting and stagnating in the viscous cycle but plodding ahead for your own well being and hoping she joins you but accepting she may not. That path is harder and unsure but will be more rewarding regardless of the outcome. TOJAZ
Author MrMayI Posted July 25, 2009 Author Posted July 25, 2009 moving on with a shade of moving forward. i have to just be done. my piles of research and books, my head full of thoughts, my friends and family who probably just don't want to hear it anymore. i need to get away from it. i know i can't in my own head, but i can definitely shut it off to everyone else. then, maybe that'll help me move on/forward, by actively involving myself in subjects other than my situation.
tojaz Posted July 25, 2009 Posted July 25, 2009 Sounds good, plus sometimes you can't find what your looking for until you stop searching for it. A little hope never hurt anybody. TOJAZ
delajoonal Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 ok...so this post is about 2 pages late...long story short, i haven't been online in about a day and a half...i rescued a tiny little chihuahua yesteday..OMG...i am still shaking from the horrible adventure...anyway... my point, IS..Gunny posted something a few pages back about marriage and who we marry and what we marry ,etc... OMG! thats IT...that is where ALL the rest of this grieving is coming from...its gotta be? i had mentioned in another post about being angry that i won't get my 50th wedding anniversary... anyway, so we do marry MORE than just the man/woman, it is ALL those DREAMS that come with it!... i am sorry if this post makes NO sense...LOL..but reading that Gunny's post, just gave me an "ahha' moment! a moment of clarity..for the first time since ALL this mess started...which was exactly 5 months ago today..ack! happy anniversary of my H admitting to his online EA...ackkkkk! anyway...thanks for reading my non-sense..sometimes i ramble, i know..sorry...;0
hopesndreams Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 they've been married almost 45 years. my wife's father walked out when she was 4. she's never seen him again. I, too, believe that the history of who you are with makes a difference whether the marriage survives or not. Just like your wife, my H's dad walked out on him at about the same age, never to see him again, and many years later, as an adult, he found out that his father had remarried, had more children, and lived not that far away from where he grew up. H's mother was a bad example as well. She went from man to man. He had watched her cheating ways for years and even though she is now in her late 60's, she had just left another man, a year ago, to go be with another. My parents were shining examples for me. Sadly, my mum passed away in '95 at the age of 54. My father still grieves and has not hooked up with anyone since, not even a date or anything. He has been my rock since my H left me. So yes, even though children of divorce can survive and be productive human beings and marry for life, sadly, it may be true that some don't because of what their parents have done. I left my 1st H, after 13 years of marriage. I stuck it out as long as I could but my children had suffered watching their father abuse me and I should have left before they were old enough to be witness to it. The only thing you can do, is be there for your child. Never bad mouth the mum, ever, and just be the kind, doting father that you are.
Author MrMayI Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 The only thing you can do, is be there for your child. Never bad mouth the mum, ever, and just be the kind, doting father that you are. she and i are all that matters to me at this point. i've had friends with kids over both nights this weekend. it's been good. my (our) friends don't even hear the story, just the basic of how she split, and where it is today, and they are floored. i just tell them to believe it's happened and don't get upset with me, because i WILL be demonized by her. she'll tell them everything from her angle.
LisaUk Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I think you sound like a wonderful father MayI and that is what will be the shinig example to your daughter through all this. None o fthis has been your choice and so you can only do your best, so long as you do that, you can do no more. I can tell how much you love your little girl, so I am sure she knows it too.
drmaerdepip Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I agree with Gunny's post (again) and others on this thread. It's not just the 'person' you marry, it's all of the hopes and dreams, the 'identity' as a married man (or woman), etc. that die with the death of a relationship. Just as in a death, we have to mourn that stage in our life, and our dreams that we now realize are lost. If she has changed into someone that you don't recognize, it is totally natural to mourn the love and closeness that you used to have. Your values and beliefs just don't match anymore. The fact that she is still insisting that her 'friend' come first - before you, before her daughter - that says so much, Mr. MayI. I am very proud of you for working through all of your feelings instead of just burying them away, because it is going to make you so much stronger - and ready, when the time comes, to fully open your heart again to someone who will honestly and truly love you, (and your sweet daughter). You will find happiness again, and you will get through this. It may feel at times as if you won't - but you will! Already, you've shown that you are a fighter - and also you've shown how true your love for your wife is/was. She will regret this someday, when the OM shows his true colors and as is typical with OM/W...when she becomes 'available' and isn't married anymore, the 'thrill' will be gone. By then, you'll be through the worst of your pain and as you are already, ready to trust and give your love to someone who will not use you, hurt you, or lie to you. I have gone through this, also, and it was the worst pain I have ever felt. But, I did begin to live again, albeit slowly. If you do choose to mend things, just make sure that she is worthy of you extending that trust and love again. You deserve so much and so does your daughter. The fact that she is more interested in herself right now would make me wonder if I wanted her back anymore. Can you trust her again if she did come back? Does she really love you the way you deserve to be loved? If she came back for awhile and your daughter (and you) softened your hearts again would she just leave sometime down the road and break your hearts when your little one is alot older and the damage would be tenfold??? I would think that seeing the divorce papers and realizing that you aren't messing around anymore would be somewhat of a wakeup call. If you don't see that, and see her instead continuing what she is doing, (asking you to allow the third party permanently in your relationship), I would be VERY suspicious. I made that mistake and thought that if I just let my husband's new "friend" stay friends with him, he would realize that our marriage was worth it - eventually he left me and our little son (four at the time) and is now married to her.I've heard through the grape-vine that they have both cheated on each other. I kicked myself for letting him back into my heart. But that was a long time ago, and I have moved on and can say that my life became so much happier because it was authentic and real. Living with someone you know could do something as heartless as walk out on you and your child just makes it hard to trust them fully ever again. I really am very proud of you for the way you are handling this entire situation. I also wanted to add that I believe if it is at all salvageable and the marriage can be saved, that would be the best option. However, the way she is acting leads me to believe the OM is alot more than just a 'friend'. Really, who in their right mind would put some friend ahead of their marriage and child? Doesn't add up to me.
drmaerdepip Posted July 26, 2009 Posted July 26, 2009 I don't want to confuse anyone about the last part of my post about believing if at all possible, to keep the marriage in tact. I have seen so much heartache as a result of divorce, that I think if there's any way to save it, that would be my first choice. In this situation, sadly, it looks like Mr. MayI, you are doing the right thing getting papers drawn up and moving forward for the best interest of your child and yourself. If it looks like she is 100% vested in repairing the damage and letting go of the OM, I would say to try to save it! But if she says MC is ok, but then won't let go of him, I wouldn't even go to MC - what's the point? Hope that makes sense Sorry about the long post!
Author MrMayI Posted July 26, 2009 Author Posted July 26, 2009 I don't want to confuse anyone about the last part of my post about believing if at all possible, to keep the marriage in tact. I have seen so much heartache as a result of divorce, that I think if there's any way to save it, that would be my first choice. In this situation, sadly, it looks like Mr. MayI, you are doing the right thing getting papers drawn up and moving forward for the best interest of your child and yourself. If it looks like she is 100% vested in repairing the damage and letting go of the OM, I would say to try to save it! But if she says MC is ok, but then won't let go of him, I wouldn't even go to MC - what's the point? Hope that makes sense Sorry about the long post! thanks for the posts. they were nice to wake up to today. you too lisa. i've really done all i feel i can do. it's just funny. the day i showed her the papers and thought i may see at least a bit of shock from her, is the first day she didn't call our daughter to tell her goodnight, and also had "plans" that kept her out for the night, as far as i know. honestly, i don't really care about that. i went and looked at a different house yesterday. i'm going to walk through it tomorrow night. i think i need to give us a bit of a change. i feel like maybe it's time for a bit of a change. i'm no longer concerned with my wife coming back. she's not. even if something were to change, which i am NOT anticipating, she wouldn't move back into this house with us, anyway. i'm certain of that. we picked this house out together to live in. i let her have the final say in whether we'd move in or not. so, essentially she picked this place. i don't want to look at it anymore if i don't have to. the house i checked out is directly across the street from a good friend and his wife, and they have 2 kids in my daughter's age range, so it'll be nice to have kids playing in the backyard on saturdays, cooking out and just being daddy for a while. i'm burned out on being daddy, and husband who's fighting a lost cause. at least for now.
Author MrMayI Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 i've realized in the past couple of days just exactly how much i've let go. a friend of mine's wife went by the wife's place a couple of nights last week after hours (she bartends) and my wife wasn't home either time. she told her hubby, he told me, and then told me he was very sorry. i told him there is absolutely no need for anyone to be sorry. she's making choices. her choices do not affect me, at all, but the second that HER choices trample on my daughter, then they do affect me. granted, i've had a little trouble when thinking "damn. it's gone full PA now", but realistically, i don't know that, and i'm finding out quickly that i truly don't even care.
phineas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 I don't want to confuse anyone about the last part of my post about believing if at all possible, to keep the marriage in tact. I have seen so much heartache as a result of divorce, that I think if there's any way to save it, that would be my first choice. In this situation, sadly, it looks like Mr. MayI, you are doing the right thing getting papers drawn up and moving forward for the best interest of your child and yourself. If it looks like she is 100% vested in repairing the damage and letting go of the OM, I would say to try to save it! But if she says MC is ok, but then won't let go of him, I wouldn't even go to MC - what's the point? Hope that makes sense Sorry about the long post! I agree. I pissed away damn near $300 on MC that she said she wanted to go to after she told me OM was gone. She was lieing. She knew exactly what she was doing also when she did it.
Author MrMayI Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 i am really learning how to turn it off. hopefully, gone are the days of constantly beating myself up. i've actually been sleeping more and more as the days go by. when i do wake up, i tend to think things like "i'm okay. this is a means to an end, and i'm fine." i'm definitely not walking tall yet, but i'm getting there. having to see her as much as i do because of our daughter is really bothersome, but it truly gets easier. she would hug me every time i saw her, but since having times of "disappearing" she hardly even looks me in the eye when she talks. i don't find it sad. i find it disgusting. i will never understand cheaters. emotional or otherwise. although, i guess i do since all of the behavior is textbook. it's nice to know within myself that i have gotten through as much as i have so far without having to have someone of the opposite sex stroke my ego. i WANT love again someday. i damn sure don't NEED it.
Gunny376 Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 :lmao::lmao::lmao: Having been what I've been through, seen, experienced? I just want to celebrate another DAY of living! Your leaving! Have at it! Wish your @zz the best! Have a happy the rest of your life without me! I did my best! I gave my best! I gave all I had! I did all that I knew at the time to do!
phineas Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Gunny - your posts are an inspiration. They have helped me to realize it wasn't me. If it was me that was the problem, she would of just left 2 yrs ago instead of registering on a dating site & carrying on a double life for two yrs. That alone tells me just how screwed up in the head she is. I'm sad I won't grow old with the family I planned for. I'm sad my kids will be jumping from house to house & not having both parents there for them under the same roof. But man, I can't waste any more of my life on this woman. She has been coming over to clear out her stuff. (I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore) She has nothing but smiles & buddy,buddy talk & compliments for me. I'm finding it rather annoying. Personally, if I had manipulated, bad-mouthed, & used a woman the way she used me I wouldn't be able to face that person or anyone they knew. She has no problem. She feels no shame. I know I would never treat someone that way & I know there are women out there that wouldn't either.
Author MrMayI Posted July 27, 2009 Author Posted July 27, 2009 phineas, you are 100% right. i'm just glad my stbx (hopefully) is already completely out. i say (hopefully) because i don't want to stir the beast about the papers i gave her. it's an agreement, and if i do something to piss her off, the agreement may become a war. i'll give it some time to maybe sink in. i still have resigned to the fact that i am not concerned with her actions any longer.
LisaUk Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 Gunny - your posts are an inspiration. They have helped me to realize it wasn't me. If it was me that was the problem, she would of just left 2 yrs ago instead of registering on a dating site & carrying on a double life for two yrs. That alone tells me just how screwed up in the head she is. But man, I can't waste any more of my life on this woman. Personally, if I had manipulated, bad-mouthed, & used a woman the way she used me I wouldn't be able to face that person or anyone they knew. She has no problem. She feels no shame. I know I would never treat someone that way & I know there are women out there that wouldn't either. So true, so true. It isn't you, it's her, you are correct, otherwise she would have gone long ago. Sounds like she is brazen, I would be p*****d too! Yes there are women out there that would never do that, you are talking to one of them right now.
LisaUk Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 phineas, you are 100% right. i'm just glad my stbx (hopefully) is already completely out. i say (hopefully) because i don't want to stir the beast about the papers i gave her. it's an agreement, and if i do something to piss her off, the agreement may become a war. i'll give it some time to maybe sink in. i still have resigned to the fact that i am not concerned with her actions any longer. Play it cool until you get the D, then you can say whatever you like to her, she sounds like she could do with a few home truths. Keep concentrating on yourself and your daughter, you are all that's important now.
hopesndreams Posted July 27, 2009 Posted July 27, 2009 it's nice to know within myself that i have gotten through as much as i have so far without having to have someone of the opposite sex stroke my ego. i WANT love again someday. i damn sure don't NEED it. I feel the same.
Author MrMayI Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Play it cool until you get the D, then you can say whatever you like to her, she sounds like she could do with a few home truths. Keep concentrating on yourself and your daughter, you are all that's important now. that's all i am doing. i think of her often, but the warm thoughts that compelled me to try are few and far between. i KNOW i will be fine. i loved being single all those years. i always, always wanted a kid. i'm glad i have her more than anything i've ever known. it's a reason to smile every day. not the coaxing and petting of a snake woman who just wants to bust up a family to get laid. have a good night everybody. you all deserve it.
Author MrMayI Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 i got about 3 hours of sleep again last night. no real solid thoughts of the marriage overtook me. it was more the excitement of our new house i signed on yesterday. i can't wait. 2 1/2 weeks and we'll be in it. my little girl is super excited. she has a bedroom over twice the size of hers now. mine is about half the size of now, which is perfect, because i don't have so much in there now. the backyard is the selling point, though. beautiful. flowers everywhere, and even a little garden that has been neglected. i'll till that up and get to work on it very soon. i think i've grasped that this is all coming to an end with the wife, and although i am admittedly sad, i'm completely okay with where things are going. i just pray to god that there is no courtroom showdown. i refuse to lose.
hopesndreams Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Sounds perfect. Very happy for you. To h*ll with snake woman.
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