Jolene Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 okay, the subject line says it all.... I met my boyfriend online....speeddating on facebook. We talked on the phone hours before meeting up. Then it all happened quite slowly. I dated a few others and then decided to date him exclusively. We've been together for two months. He spends almost every night with me, sleeps over just like as if we lived together. He calls often, and used to call even more when we didn't spend as much time together. On weekends we spend time together. Of course we have great chemistry as well....you know what I mean. My big disconnect or real concern is that I've talked to him about his online profiles, so he took down the plenty of fish profile but sticks with the facebook speeddate profile. He still receives and sends email to girls who wink and flirt. We are supposed to be in a relationship, and we've had this talk. So do I have anything to worry about if all he's doing is having online communications with women??? he spends almost all of his spare time with me, SO FAR. How normal is this? I want him to stop logging onto his online dating profile.....what a menace it is!!! He can't help himself.....and he knows how I feel about it. How long do I turn a blind eye???
Bejita463 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 How long do I turn a blind eye??? You've done it long enough. If he wants to date other people, fine, but 2 months is plenty of time to make that decision. He is not giving you a whole lot of respect here.
Author Jolene Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks for your reply. The trouble I am having is that I can't accuse him of dating other people when he hasn't actually gone out with anyone else..... nothing has happened yet, if ever or at all. I find this confusing. Not sure how to have a conversation with him about something he isn't really doing....he isn't cheating. It's the cyberworld and it holds a lot of potential, but so far nothing real is happening to make me think he has strayed or is planning to. Play dumb? or pull the plug??? Sit him down and tell give him an ultimatum? Like what does it take to tame a guy these days with all this option online?? Drives me insane.
dreamergrl Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 But he's doing things that make it much more possible for him to date other women. You've had a sit down talk with him right? If he can't respect you, then move on.
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Uh. If you're really into somebody, the thought of "looking around" loses its appeal. At least IMO. So, yeah - I think I'd be inclined to say that I was only interested in staying exclusive to somebody that was 100% devoted to me. I don't understand why you don't think you're worth 100%. No...not "technically" cheating. But 98% effort is NOT 100%. How much do you deserve, Jolene? Are YOU giving 100%? Then why do you deserve ANYTHING less than that?
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 You know - it crossed my mind that maybe he'd value you more if you valued yourself.
Author Jolene Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 I do value myself but I want to be fair and patient as well......at some point I can cut him off if I have to. But maybe it's a process that he has to make up his own mind and not have it be MY decision for him to take down his profile. Two months is not long enough for some but maybe long enough for others. Just looking for feedback....I almost cut the tie on him once, so I can tell him I really do and did have a lot of patience for this stuff but it has to stop NOW. Before I get hurt. Not sure why it is such a temptation to do all that online cyber date crap anyway. I used it and met him, but at some point it's got to stop right?? right
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Thanks for your reply. The trouble I am having is that I can't accuse him of dating other people when he hasn't actually gone out with anyone else..... nothing has happened yet, if ever or at all. I find this confusing. Not sure how to have a conversation with him about something he isn't really doing....he isn't cheating. It's the cyberworld and it holds a lot of potential, but so far nothing real is happening to make me think he has strayed or is planning to. I think you're focusing on the wrong thing, this idea that actually dating would be wrong, but that's something he "isn't really doing" right now. Fact is, even without actually going out and dating, if his current behavior - of maintaining dating profiles and cultivating communications with other women who wink, or poke, or flirt, or whatever - bothers you, then you have a right to your feelings about that, and you have a right to draw a boundary if that is something you cannot tolerate. Different people will differ on where the boundary is for them - I happen to think that, for me, "date-seeking" behavior like your BF seems to be showing is something I would not tolerate after 2 months of dating and an exclusivity talk. (I assume that's what you mean by "We are supposed to be in a relationship, and we've had this talk." Please clarify if that meant something else...) So there's no absolute guideline written in the stars or some master dating bible - you get to decide and communicate what works for you and what doesn't. But I just wanted to point out that even if he's not "actually dating," his behavior itself may be something that you can't tolerate, and if that's the case, then "not actually dating" is not an excuse that will erase that bad feeling.
Author Jolene Posted June 22, 2009 Author Posted June 22, 2009 Yes we are clear on being exclusive. No third parties. It's just so new. I'll feel better when he introduces me to his family and some friends. So far I've heard him tell his female friends that I exist. Now, if only he would tell these online chickadees that he is NOT single, and that he is NOT on the market. What gives? Maybe it is just EGO
SoulSearch_CO Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I do value myself but I want to be fair and patient as well Uh. Expecting anything less than 100% is not valuing yourself.
Art_Critic Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Yes we are clear on being exclusive. No third parties. It's just so new. I'll feel better when he introduces me to his family and some friends. So far I've heard him tell his female friends that I exist. Now, if only he would tell these online chickadees that he is NOT single, and that he is NOT on the market. What gives? Maybe it is just EGO What gives ?... Well.. he is still looking for someone. If the exclusive talk has happened and he keeps his profile up and continues to talk with other women.. you know.. getting to know them thru email and possibly exchange other contact info then he is cheating on you or getting ready to... Point blank.. this guy needs to go...you are just good enough for now until he finds someone better.. who wants to be that person ? If you force him to cancel his facebook speed dating profile then it won't change why he wants to continue to try and find someone else after he has been in an exclusive relationship with you.. My advice would be to dump the guy but if you are not sure then have it out with him.. Let him explain to you why he is still trying to find another woman to date and then you can re-evaluate the relationship when you get his answer..
loveslife Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 If you force him to cancel his facebook speed dating profile then it won't change why he wants to continue to try and find someone else after he has been in an exclusive relationship with you.. I agree. Forcing him to cancel the DATING profile is not the answer. If he wants to talk to women online, he will. Right now he has your blessing (sort of) but you push it and he takes it down, he could do one without you knowing. On the other hand, the fact that he's so open about it might mean it really is harmless. Nobody can know for sure other than you. And I think you do know the answer to this one yourself. Sadly, I think this is a real problem with the Internet. Everything is so disposable now and it's so easy to "order" another anything online. I don't think anyone else can tell you what to do here.
DarkestDreams Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 I'd be worried that he feels the need to still chat up random girls, whether he intends to follow through or not for 2 reasons: 1) you're exclusive, which puts an end to "looking around", 2) he shouldn't WANT to be looking around, if he was so head over heels with you. You're giving him your silent blessing by not standing up for yourself, so he'll continue doing it. Stop being "nice". This is the time when you have to rock the boat and be prepared to walk away.
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Let him explain to you why he is still trying to find another woman to date and then you can re-evaluate the relationship when you get his answer.. I like this advice, and I recommend you enter such a discussion NOT with the attitude that you have to justify your boundary that this is not OK, or try to change his behavior - he will certainly try to turn it around into being "your problem" that you can't handle his harmless behavior. You should just be confident in your boundary, give him the chance to justify and explain his behavior, give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to his explanation without turning it into an argument, and then make some decisions. It may come down to him having nothing better for you than claming that "it's harmless." Then you can decide whether you can live with that long term or not.
loveslife Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 It may come down to him having nothing better for you than claming that "it's harmless." Then you can decide whether you can live with that long term or not. Chatting with random girls online is not harmless in the same way looking at pictures of random girls online or in a magazine is. At the very least, he's playing with these girls emotions, leading them on. If he is actually committed to the OP then he's not being very nice to these girls he's engaging with online. That, to me, says something about his level of kindness or lack therof.
collegekid491 Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 We've been together for two months. He spends almost every night with me, sleeps over just like as if we lived together. He calls often, and used to call even more when we didn't spend as much time together. On weekends we spend time together. ? Just gotta comment on this, how do you do it? Don't get me wrong, I like my gf alot, but 1-3 times a week and I'm happy, every day would drive me nuts! but ya, onto the actual question lol. you don't turn a blind eye to it, hes not fully committing. if you want him to fully commit you gotta offer a ultimatum, you, or speed date
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Chatting with random girls online is not harmless in the same way looking at pictures of random girls online or in a magazine is. At the very least, he's playing with these girls emotions, leading them on. If he is actually committed to the OP then he's not being very nice to these girls he's engaging with online. That, to me, says something about his level of kindness or lack therof. Hey, I'm not claiming it's harmless... I'm just trying to give level advice to the OP that she should set her boundary with confidence, listen to his explanation without letting him shift the blame to her and pull her into an argument, and then make some decisions. That's my advice. My opinion is the same as yours: what I'm saying is that if he can do no better than "it's harmless," then he's not being respectful to anyone involved...
loveslife Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Hey, I'm not claiming it's harmless... I'm just trying to give level advice to the OP that she should set her boundary with confidence, listen to his explanation without letting him shift the blame to her and pull her into an argument, and then make some decisions. That's my advice. My opinion is the same as yours: what I'm saying is that if he can do no better than "it's harmless," then he's not being respectful to anyone involved... Oh, I understood you weren't *saying* it was harmless. Sorry for the misunderstanding. My comment had to do with him if he claimed that, not what you said.
Trialbyfire Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 From what I've read on LS about online dating, for some people, the ego stroking can get addictive. Be wary of anyone who needs an excessive amount of external validation and has an addictive personality. OP, set your boundaries and stick to them. If he can't break his addiction, it will only get worse in the future.
Trimmer Posted June 22, 2009 Posted June 22, 2009 Oh, I understood you weren't *saying* it was harmless. Sorry for the misunderstanding. My comment had to do with him if he claimed that, not what you said. Gotcha ---
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