Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 but i became exactly who she wanted and i gave her everything she dreamed of, Easy boy, don't flatter yourself. You made her believe she had everything she dreamed of and that you became who she wanted. Smoke-n-mirrors, my friend. You've admitted that you aren't at all who she believes/wants you to be. You won't find happiness until you figure out who you want to be when you grow up. yes i meant the same thing, smoke and mirrors, i am not flattering myself, if i didnt do the things i do and didnt have so much unhappiness i would actually be proud, but its not real its all a lie so i certainly am not proud. i can tell you i never wanted to be doing this when i grew up, probably why i never grew up..
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i would hope that people can see i want to do something but i just dont know what to do.i need this out of my head, this issint good. This is completely and utterly untrue. You know exactly what to do. You're just choosing not to do it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 This is completely and utterly untrue. You know exactly what to do. You're just choosing not to do it. there is a huge difference in knowing what to do and actually having the courage to do it.yes i know but now i am trying to put my words into action. i also know right from wrong and i never have stated different..
PhoenixRise Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i dont think she was digging, it was in the context of a conversation, yes maybe in her mind she wonders but she is not digging right now.. with that i do agree that it can eventually blow up in my face and i want to stop it before tha happens. i just wasnt ready, i was caught by surprise and i didnt spit it out, i know it was mistake because i was basically leading the horse to water and she took the bait and i failed. i need to know that its what i want to do, its just too conflicting to me on whether she needs to know or not, i know if o leave she needs to know but maybe if i get help from a therapist and fix myself she dosent really need to know, i know thats not fair but it will save her a lot of heartache.. If you are waiting for a time to come when all variables are accounted for and you can be promised great happiness and joy for YOURSELF and everybody else if you make a specific choice, you will be sitting on that fence trying to work it all out forever. At this point I don't think it matters WHY what you have at home is not enough (it NEVER has been). It just matters that you know it is not enough. Get therapy and fix yourself on your own time and quit wasting your wife's time. Therapy will not make you fall in love with your wife Gov. Sanford:cool:. You DON'T love her. You never have.
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm not saying that you don't know right from wrong. I'm saying that you DO know what you need to do, but you have decided not to do it. That's been your pattern, and I believe that while you may say that you want to change it...you've decided not to. Your protestations of how "difficult this will be" are simply how you intend to implement your choice and make yourself feel better about it. Be honest with yourself, and with everyone else. If you really, truly wanted to change...you would have done so by now. You don't want to give up OW, you don't want to give up any of the other behaviors that you've hidden from your wife...so you talk about making changes, but there's no INTENT to make changes.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i knew when i posted it i would get that response, it dosent by any means that im not going to tell her, but i was not ready too in that moment, you were the one understanding the sitting on the fence, i dont see how that has changed. i havent yet been able to come to the conclusion that i should tell her or that it will be beneficial without first fixing myself and figuring out what i want so why when caught off guard would i blurt that out without any real plan in place. I do understnad - but wasn't it you that said IF she asked you - you would tell?
PhoenixRise Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 And when he does this will this be the truth Phoenix? Or just a lie to keep up the facade? Who Knows? It may be true at the time. I think if his wife ever kicks him to the curb he will be camping outside her door. The facade is very important to him (maybe more important to him than it is to his wife) But I don't think he has ever loved or truly respectd her.
PhoenixRise Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 one thing i can promise is that when i do finally open the flood gates i will be truthful. i will not lie to keep up the facade and i am hoping that i will handle this one way or the other before being confronted or before anything hitting the fan. You also said that if she ever asked you if you cheated you would tell her the truth.
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 oh i know my wife wont like the real me, thats a guarentee,if she ever saw the real me from day 1 we wouldnt even be married,but i became exactly who she wanted and i gave her everything she dreamed of NS7, Listen to yourself a moment. You're caught in self-loathing. Why did you never give your W the oppurtunity to know you - because you figured she didn't like what she'd find. That wasn't fair to never be genuine and it shows that you have to deal with your massive insecurity. You were never and are not now a monster. But sitting there loathing yourself is NOT an excuse to do nothing. Yet here you are feeling sorry for yourself ....instead of trying to fix it and build redeeming qualities in yourself. My xMM did this mental wrestling, refusing to see a therapist for about a year. It was wasted time. By the time he went, he'd already been busted. i am trying to figure out what i want and trying to figure out how i can actually be happy. OMG, again, this is all deja vu. I have a bad feeling you are gonna end this the same way my xMM did - woth napalm all around. Anyway "happy" is a subjective concept. It's arrogant to think you have the ability to "destroy" anyone. Make unhappy, yes, destroy, no. Ultimately adults have to learn that we cannot live a pollyanna life. Moderate amounts of happiness is more realistic. You will always havbe to live with the guilt of what has happened, but if you do the right thing at least you can say you finally were honest with yourself and others. Or, you can keep screwing it up, keep feeling progressively worse about yourself, and sit in the corner sucking your thumb. GET a therapist, if nothing else. When I 1st went, I didn't tell my xH, I went during work hours. Like others have sadi, you don't need to tell her about that right now.
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Since you've been a MM, I'm going to share with you the advice I give to OW on the other forum when dealing with their MM, and how to determine their true/ultimate intentions. I tell them to IGNORE what the MM says...and focus on what he DOES. Words lie...actions tell someone's true intentions/motivations/plans. Look at your ACTIONS...especially those in the last 24 days. What do they tell YOU about your intentions/motivations/plans?
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I know.. I know.... you think you have it all covered up and she will never find out but your wife IS suspicious... she WILL eventually start digging.... She WILL find out.... the clock is ticking. . Especially since the SIL & BIL are going thru what they are going thru - Don't think for a second that even if she is "Secure" with you - she's not doing a little digging of her own. You said she was so shocked that it came about so quickly (we all know that nothing like this comes about quickly - it's slow & simmering for years before it even becomes a full boil) Even if you are the most trusting person on the planet (as you assume she is) THIS situation in your family alone might possibly make her take a second look at your own marriage. I think if his wife ever kicks him to the curb he will be camping outside her door. The facade is very important to him Excellent point Phoneix. I'd have to tagree with this.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 The facade is very important to him (maybe more important to him than it is to his wife) I believe this to be true as well. But I don't think he has ever loved or truly respectd her. I do believe he's loved is wife in a familial way. I don't believe he's ever had that head over heels limmerance feeling (that gets the pleasure centers firing) for her. He has that with his OW, as well as the fact that he can tell her anything... until the day that those things he's telling her would affect her in a negative way, then he's back to square one with the only coping mechanisms he's ever known.
MistyK Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 And you mentioned about your mother "turning a blind eye". Why do you think your wife is any different? Sometimes W's have suspicions but just don't want to know the truth (because then they'd have to find a way to accept it). And sometimes they ignore the obvious because it's too hard to face the truth. The fact that your W acts not suspicious does not mean she is not suspicious.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I appologize in advance if I've posted this link on this thread, I had looked for an article that I read a while back that compared love addiction to gambling addiction but I can't seem to find it. http://loveaddicts.org/KindsofLoveAddicts.pdf
PhoenixRise Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Especially since the SIL & BIL are going thru what they are going thru - Don't think for a second that even if she is "Secure" with you - she's not doing a little digging of her own. You said she was so shocked that it came about so quickly (we all know that nothing like this comes about quickly - it's slow & simmering for years before it even becomes a full boil) Even if you are the most trusting person on the planet (as you assume she is) THIS situation in your family alone might possibly make her take a second look at your own marriage. The wife has questioned his Odd behavior and mood changes. The SIL and BIL are dealing with infidelity and are on their way to divorce so BIL can be with OW. If she talks to SIL at all they will talk about the signs of cheating that SIL missed... it will get the wife thinking. Wife knows about the family history of chaos and cheating. She is going to put the pieces together (if she hasn't already and is just waiting for proof). She ALREADY asked him if he ever cheated. No woman casually asks her husband if he ever cheated during the marriage. There is nothing EVER casual about that question.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 And you mentioned about your mother "turning a blind eye". Why do you think your wife is any different? Sometimes W's have suspicions but just don't want to know the truth (because then they'd have to find a way to accept it). And sometimes they ignore the obvious because it's too hard to face the truth. The fact that your W acts not suspicious does not mean she is not suspicious. Exactly Misty He'll poo foo this - cuz I've said it before! He is one of those husbands that thinks his wife is naive. :rolleyes:But I am in 100% agreement here with you! Who's to say she doesn't already suspect. Otherwise, Why would she ask?...Not only because of the sil & bil....cuz that alone would make ya question the sanctity of marriage I know a few myself - that turn their heads at their husbands Shenanigans - & only IF it gets out of hand, do they pipe up & put a stop to it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 If you are waiting for a time to come when all variables are accounted for and you can be promised great happiness and joy for YOURSELF and everybody else if you make a specific choice, you will be sitting on that fence trying to work it all out forever. At this point I don't think it matters WHY what you have at home is not enough (it NEVER has been). It just matters that you know it is not enough. Get therapy and fix yourself on your own time and quit wasting your wife's time. Therapy will not make you fall in love with your wife Gov. Sanford:cool:. You DON'T love her. You never have. that is true that therapy will help but it wont make you fall in love again, but it can help if there is still love there and maybe it was just lost along the way somewhere.and at the least it will help me figure out what the hell i really want. yea that gov sanford is some peace of work, although i guess the same could be said for me. he already admitted it all and it was out there i dont know why he is kidding the world.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I do understnad - but wasn't it you that said IF she asked you - you would tell? what i said was that if she confronted me and asked me i would tell her, this was different, this was within a conversation about something else, i was caught by surprise, if i am going to tell her i want to do it on my terms and i want to be 100% sure that this is what i want to do and be prepared to stick by my decision, if she confronts me with facts and specifics before i do something, then yes i will tell her, i wont deny it.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I'm not saying that you don't know right from wrong. I'm saying that you DO know what you need to do, but you have decided not to do it. That's been your pattern, and I believe that while you may say that you want to change it...you've decided not to. Your protestations of how "difficult this will be" are simply how you intend to implement your choice and make yourself feel better about it. Be honest with yourself, and with everyone else. If you really, truly wanted to change...you would have done so by now. You don't want to give up OW, you don't want to give up any of the other behaviors that you've hidden from your wife...so you talk about making changes, but there's no INTENT to make changes. you know i agree with alot of what your saying but i dont agree with the fact that if i wanted to make a change i would have done it already, different people do things different ways and i can also say that nobody likes change,especially negative change, so its harder for me, i dont want to talk people to death but this is at least my first attempt to try and make a change,by at least talking it out,gaining perspective and then in the end its all up to me.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 NS7, Listen to yourself a moment. You're caught in self-loathing. Why did you never give your W the oppurtunity to know you - because you figured she didn't like what she'd find. That wasn't fair to never be genuine and it shows that you have to deal with your massive insecurity. You were never and are not now a monster. But sitting there loathing yourself is NOT an excuse to do nothing. Yet here you are feeling sorry for yourself ....instead of trying to fix it and build redeeming qualities in yourself. My xMM did this mental wrestling, refusing to see a therapist for about a year. It was wasted time. By the time he went, he'd already been busted. OMG, again, this is all deja vu. I have a bad feeling you are gonna end this the same way my xMM did - woth napalm all around. Anyway "happy" is a subjective concept. It's arrogant to think you have the ability to "destroy" anyone. Make unhappy, yes, destroy, no. Ultimately adults have to learn that we cannot live a pollyanna life. Moderate amounts of happiness is more realistic. You will always havbe to live with the guilt of what has happened, but if you do the right thing at least you can say you finally were honest with yourself and others. Or, you can keep screwing it up, keep feeling progressively worse about yourself, and sit in the corner sucking your thumb. GET a therapist, if nothing else. When I 1st went, I didn't tell my xH, I went during work hours. Like others have sadi, you don't need to tell her about that right now. you are right misty- i have to stop thinking about the fact that it will destroy my W because she will go on no matter what,i just dont want to hurt her or my kids either, although i am sure you will say i have allready done that, but i guess for me when she dosent know its harder to realize the hurt thats been caused because im not actually seeing it firsthand.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 although i am sure you will say i have allready done that, but i guess for me when she dosent know its harder to realize the hurt thats been caused because im not actually seeing it firsthand. yet...
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Since you've been a MM, I'm going to share with you the advice I give to OW on the other forum when dealing with their MM, and how to determine their true/ultimate intentions. I tell them to IGNORE what the MM says...and focus on what he DOES. Words lie...actions tell someone's true intentions/motivations/plans. Look at your ACTIONS...especially those in the last 24 days. What do they tell YOU about your intentions/motivations/plans? they tell me that at this moment i am no better off than i was when i first posted, i get that but i am trying here and i know alot more now and have better ideas of what i need to do thanks to everyone here on ls.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Especially since the SIL & BIL are going thru what they are going thru - Don't think for a second that even if she is "Secure" with you - she's not doing a little digging of her own. You said she was so shocked that it came about so quickly (we all know that nothing like this comes about quickly - it's slow & simmering for years before it even becomes a full boil) Even if you are the most trusting person on the planet (as you assume she is) THIS situation in your family alone might possibly make her take a second look at your own marriage. Excellent point Phoneix. I'd have to tagree with this. she might take a look but she wont dig,i dont think she beleives i am capable or at the least dosent want to beleive it. as far as my sister and bil, yes i agree it was probably simmering, he was no different from me,she was completely shocked but she is also much stronger than my wife and she is also alot more suspecting,my wife is not very technologically savy either so her digging would most likley only be something falling into her lap...again i am not bragging just telling you the facts
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 what i said was that if she confronted me and asked me i would tell her, this was different, this was within a conversation about something else, i was caught by surprise, if i am going to tell her i want to do it on my terms and i want to be 100% sure that this is what i want to do and be prepared to stick by my decision, if she confronts me with facts and specifics before i do something, then yes i will tell her, i wont deny it. WOW! I've heard & given a lot of excuses for things in my day...But this takes the cake. Can you hear yourself? How can you do it "On your terms" if you have already said IF SHE CONFRONTS YOU...You will tell her. So the moon & stars have to be aligned perfectly & it must be the third thursday of the month & she must provide one piece of evidence....THEN.....You will tell her.....LOL This is almost comical. I have NEVER been an advocate for telling. So for me to be on this 'bandwagon' takes a lot. Because you have said "If she confronts me"...then I figure, OK you're going to spill the beans when that happens.......Apparently Not!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 And you mentioned about your mother "turning a blind eye". Why do you think your wife is any different? Sometimes W's have suspicions but just don't want to know the truth (because then they'd have to find a way to accept it). And sometimes they ignore the obvious because it's too hard to face the truth. The fact that your W acts not suspicious does not mean she is not suspicious. my mother turned a blind eye with cold hard facts was my point.i dont think my W is turning a blind eye, i know her personality and if she thought something was up, i would know it.
Recommended Posts