OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i beleive thats the answer for now, i just have to actually do something already. maybe a good therapist can help figure me out,it certainly cant hurt anymore than it does by keeping it all to myself. Okay, so how about make your next post, I'm meeting with a therapist on **/**/2009? Okay? Gee you sound so much like my xMM. He was in so deep in his late 40s and unwilling (that's how I see it) to make changes. He also had a plethora of health problems too for a man his age and unfortunately, I had the misfortune to experience some first hand. Uggggh. Don't become him, he's doing no one a favor. He was discovered. Now his W and family have to deal with the shame on TOP of the same unresolved problems. But he did go out a buy a new car, so I guess he did "something" toward fixing his situation.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 We all have "breaking points" when it comes to situations like this. What do you think your "Breaking Point" is? I still am of the belief (& you may not realize it, but I think it's true) that you're sitting on the fence waiting for the other woman. I think that if she were to leave her husband TODAY ... YOU would pull the trigger. You'd tell your wife & move out. From everyting you have said here - I truly believe that's what you're waiting for. But, I guess only you can say WHY you're sitting on the fence....So, WHY are you? i dont know what my breaking point is but i can say it must be close, all of my past things i was able to keep inside but now it seems i finally have had enough and not only am i looking back but i am also trying to see the future. i understand your belief and i have thought about that,but i truly do not think that is the reason i am sitting on the fence, honestly i beleive the ow would leave her h within a day of me leaving my w, so i have no reason to be waiting for her. i think i am sitting on the fence because i dont know what to do, and i dont know what i really want,and no action i guess is better than action, although this philosophy is wrong i think thats why i am still on the fence, not wanting to hurt anyone or upset the status qou.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i dont know what my breaking point is but i can say it must be close, all of my past things i was able to keep inside but now it seems i finally have had enough and not only am i looking back but i am also trying to see the future. i understand your belief and i have thought about that,but i truly do not think that is the reason i am sitting on the fence, honestly i beleive the ow would leave her h within a day of me leaving my w, so i have no reason to be waiting for her. i think i am sitting on the fence because i dont know what to do, and i dont know what i really want,and no action i guess is better than action, although this philosophy is wrong i think thats why i am still on the fence, not wanting to hurt anyone or upset the status qou. EXACTLY! It's the same thing. What is it 'You've had enough OF"...Your wife treats you well, your children & she love you.......What is it you've HAD ENOUGH OF?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Okay, so how about make your next post, I'm meeting with a therapist on **/**/2009? Okay? Gee you sound so much like my xMM. He was in so deep in his late 40s and unwilling (that's how I see it) to make changes. He also had a plethora of health problems too for a man his age and unfortunately, I had the misfortune to experience some first hand. Uggggh. Don't become him, he's doing no one a favor. He was discovered. Now his W and family have to deal with the shame on TOP of the same unresolved problems. But he did go out a buy a new car, so I guess he did "something" toward fixing his situation. those things dont fix the problems, just like an A dosent fix the problems,yes it helps me supress the problems but it dosent solve anything.i have tried the running/excercising,the buying expensive toys etc etc but its all fluff and does nothing to help me. i can imagine this can cause health problems,i dont know if related but i was in the er on july 4th passing a kidney stone....i guess not thinking you will be discovered helps me to continue the lie.. i would hope that people can see i want to do something but i just dont know what to do.i need this out of my head, this issint good.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 EXACTLY! It's the same thing. What is it 'You've had enough OF"...Your wife treats you well, your children & she love you.......What is it you've HAD ENOUGH OF? i dont know confused, i know that is frusturating to hear but i really cant pinpoint it.yes my wife is loving,loyal,secure, a great mom but that dosent always mean that a man is happy but i will say it should be enough and thats the part that bothers me, why at the end of the day is the perfect family and wife not enough for me because its beyond apparent its not enough for me.
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 EXACTLY! It's the same thing. What is it 'You've had enough OF"...Your wife treats you well, your children & she love you.......What is it you've HAD ENOUGH OF? I'm daft, what's the same thing? You think the OW is feels the same about NS7 and she's hanging around miserable too? Just trying to follow along here.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm daft, what's the same thing? You think the OW is feels the same about NS7 and she's hanging around miserable too? Just trying to follow along here. Something like that. He is just "buying time".....
bentnotbroken Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 And the band plays on....slowly to the death march. How many casualties will there be? Too soon to tell, but time is short. The end is near.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i would hope that people can see i want to do something but i just dont know what to do.i need this out of my head, this issint good. Get to a therapist to figure you why your family isn't enough. THEN you can make your decision and follow through. You can't fix anything until you diagnose the problem, its obviously not getting any better while you sit on the fence. What are you afraid of? I think that you know the answer already but admitting that would mean that its time to take the next step and leave your wife.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i would hope that people can see i want to do something but i just dont know what to do.i need this out of my head, this issint good. Get to a therapist to figure you why your family isn't enough. THEN you can make your decision and follow through. You can't fix anything until you diagnose the problem, its obviously not getting any better while you sit on the fence. What are you afraid of? I think that you know the answer already but admitting that would mean that its time to take the next step and leave your wife. I don't think that in a "timely fashion" any therapist can help. He seems desparate. Yet, won't seek help from a professional - after all this time, I don't see him doing it now. He's afraid of the unknown....Aren't we all?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Something like that. He is just "buying time"..... confused me too but i see what confused is thinking, she thinks i am buying time and hoping someone else makes my decision for me, but if that were the case and i am sure she would leave then why buy time, why not just leave my w,its certainly a choice that anyone can make,nothing can really stop you from leaving, but in my case i am not buying time, i am trying to figure out what i want and trying to figure out how i can actually be happy.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 i would hope that people can see i want to do something but i just dont know what to do.i need this out of my head, this issint good. Get to a therapist to figure you why your family isn't enough. THEN you can make your decision and follow through. You can't fix anything until you diagnose the problem, its obviously not getting any better while you sit on the fence. What are you afraid of? I think that you know the answer already but admitting that would mean that its time to take the next step and leave your wife. yes i am afraid of change, it may sound crazy but i have actually gotten used to living like this all these years, i dont even remember what it was like to not live like this. i am afraid that i will upset the apple cart or yes that it might actually lead me to leave my innocent W and those innocent little children of mine, i fear her knowing the real me because i dont think ,in fact i know she wont like the real me. so yes i am afraid of change, i can openly admit that.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I don't think that in a "timely fashion" any therapist can help. He seems desparate. Yet, won't seek help from a professional - after all this time, I don't see him doing it now. He's afraid of the unknown....Aren't we all? after she caught me gambling i went to a therapist and of course i told her nothing but bs to satisfy my W that i even went..the other night i told my wife how it scares me that i could be like my dad and she point blank asked me if i ever cheated in our marriage and there it was my moment and guess what i said no and we moved on. so yes i completely agree, i am vastly afraid of the unknown,if i could see the future and know everything would be ok one way or the other i wouldnt sit on any fence but of course thats not possible. i am not desperate but i also cannot have this eat me alive, that will benefit nobody, i am the sole provider,i take care of the world, i cannot continue on this path of destruction, nobody wins.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 NOT: you need a professional 2 help you, for sure. But it's quite possible in this day and age 2 find a "feel good" therapist who will enable your fence-sitting for as long as you want. I worry that's what you'll do, if you do anything, you'll find one of these worthless "professionals". What you need is a pro-marriage counselor or coach. Nobody here is, 2 my knowledge. I used 2 recommend MB, but I can't anymore, because the "2x4" approach 2 newbies (on the forum, at least) would probably drive someone like you away rather than help them. I do know of one site that has a private forum that's read by the owner - a professional marriage coach - that you can request access 2 and get help from the coach and other WSs trying 2 end their affairs. Moderators, if it is a TOS violation 2 post another site here, feel free 2 remove it, and I apologize in advance for posting it, but I think it might be what NOT needs 2 get him moving in a positive direction here. NOT: Look up saveyourmarriagecentral.com. They have a discussion forum that if you click on it and scroll down 2 the "private forums" link, you may find what you're looking for. -ol' 2long thank you, i will look at the site
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 after she caught me gambling i went to a therapist and of course i told her nothing but bs to satisfy my W that i even went..the other night i told my wife how it scares me that i could be like my dad and she point blank asked me if i ever cheated in our marriage and there it was my moment and guess what i said no and we moved on. so yes i completely agree, i am vastly afraid of the unknown,if i could see the future and know everything would be ok one way or the other i wouldnt sit on any fence but of course thats not possible. i am not desperate but i also cannot have this eat me alive, that will benefit nobody, i am the sole provider,i take care of the world, i cannot continue on this path of destruction, nobody wins. WOW! You opened the door How many times have you said here.........IF she asked, you would tell her? So really the bottom line here is that you don't plan to ever tell her, you don't plan to do anything about the situation. You just want to sit on the fence & TALK about it & THINK about it....what??? FOREVER? WOW...I had given you way more credit than this. (Not that my opinion of you matters...)
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i am sorry for that but i am being honest. WHAT HAPPENED HERE.......You being honest? So you never intend to tell her even if she looks you in the eye & asks? ...Again, WOW!!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 WOW! You opened the door How many times have you said here.........IF she asked, you would tell her? So really the bottom line here is that you don't plan to ever tell her, you don't plan to do anything about the situation. You just want to sit on the fence & TALK about it & THINK about it....what??? FOREVER? WOW...I had given you way more credit than this. (Not that my opinion of you matters...) i knew when i posted it i would get that response, it dosent by any means that im not going to tell her, but i was not ready too in that moment, you were the one understanding the sitting on the fence, i dont see how that has changed. i havent yet been able to come to the conclusion that i should tell her or that it will be beneficial without first fixing myself and figuring out what i want so why when caught off guard would i blurt that out without any real plan in place.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 WHAT HAPPENED HERE.......You being honest? So you never intend to tell her even if she looks you in the eye & asks? ...Again, WOW!! i have been nothing but honest on here from my first post.. i never claimed to be honest with myself or my W, thats why i am here in the first place.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You know that your wife doesn't make you happy and that you are no longer happy leading a double life. Those two things you know... so if happiness is possible then maybe you find it out there and maybe you don't, either way what have you got to lose? I can assure you that if you were gone tomorrow, the world still turns and your wife and children will survive. And you can bet, that your wife won't like the "real you". Its going to take tons to convince her that you ARE the real you. She's going to want to help you, to fix you, to make things right if its the last thing that she does, because thats what loyal, loving wives do. I can also assure you that she won't during any of that time worry about whether she's "happy" or not. The damage has been done NS. No turning that back, no recreating "you". Change is inevitable. Happiness, however, comes from within. That's the next lesson in NOTSURE's school of hardknocks that your wife gets to learn. Its a great lesson in the end though.
PhoenixRise Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i knew when i posted it i would get that response, it dosent by any means that im not going to tell her, but i was not ready too in that moment, you were the one understanding the sitting on the fence, i dont see how that has changed. i havent yet been able to come to the conclusion that i should tell her or that it will be beneficial without first fixing myself and figuring out what i want so why when caught off guard would i blurt that out without any real plan in place. Many posters here including me have tried to tell you that your wife is not as clueless as you think. She is chosing to trust you but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have suspicions. I know.. I know.... you think you have it all covered up and she will never find out but your wife IS suspicious... she WILL eventually start digging.... She WILL find out.... the clock is ticking. NS In that moment when your wife flat out asked you if you had cheated on her you were at a crossroads. You could have chosen to finally dig up a shread of integrity and tell her the truth. Instead you decided to take the easy way and do the same thing you have always done. Lie. You had an opportunity to end all of this madness and you chose to wallow in it and dig yourself in even deeper. You will NEVER tell her the truth and you will NEVER leave her. You will wait until everything blows up in your face. And ironically, when the sh** does hit the fan, YOU will probaly be the one begging HER to forgive you and to stay with you.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 You know that your wife doesn't make you happy and that you are no longer happy leading a double life. Those two things you know... so if happiness is possible then maybe you find it out there and maybe you don't, either way what have you got to lose? I can assure you that if you were gone tomorrow, the world still turns and your wife and children will survive. And you can bet, that your wife won't like the "real you". Its going to take tons to convince her that you ARE the real you. She's going to want to help you, to fix you, to make things right if its the last thing that she does, because thats what loyal, loving wives do. I can also assure you that she won't during any of that time worry about whether she's "happy" or not. The damage has been done NS. No turning that back, no recreating "you". Change is inevitable. Happiness, however, comes from within. That's the next lesson in NOTSURE's school of hardknocks that your wife gets to learn. Its a great lesson in the end though. i do beleive happiness is possible, even with all my problems i am not depressed or on drugs or alchohol or anything like that, so yes i beleive i can find happiness,now how is the question. oh i know my wife wont like the real me, thats a guarentee,if she ever saw the real me from day 1 we wouldnt even be married,but i became exactly who she wanted and i gave her everything she dreamed of, she was born to be a wife a mother and she does both very well. so now here i am 11 years later,yes she will want to help me and fix me but she will want to fix me back to who she thought she had and i dont think thats possible because i am and never will be that person, thats an act to appease her.when she caught me gambling, she cried alot and was devastated but yes she worked on fixing me. i know the damage has been done, she dosent know it yet but i sure do.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Many posters here including me have tried to tell you that your wife is not as clueless as you think. She is chosing to trust you but that doesn't mean that she doesn't have suspicions. I know.. I know.... you think you have it all covered up and she will never find out but your wife IS suspicious... she WILL eventually start digging.... She WILL find out.... the clock is ticking. NS In that moment when your wife flat out asked you if you had cheated on her you were at a crossroads. You could have chosen to finally dig up a shread of integrity and tell her the truth. Instead you decided to take the easy way and do the same thing you have always done. Lie. You had an opportunity to end all of this madness and you chose to wallow in it and dig yourself in even deeper. You will NEVER tell her the truth and you will NEVER leave her. You will wait until everything blows up in your face. And ironically, when the sh** does hit the fan, YOU will probaly be the one begging HER to forgive you and to stay with you. i dont think she was digging, it was in the context of a conversation, yes maybe in her mind she wonders but she is not digging right now.. with that i do agree that it can eventually blow up in my face and i want to stop it before tha happens. i just wasnt ready, i was caught by surprise and i didnt spit it out, i know it was mistake because i was basically leading the horse to water and she took the bait and i failed. i need to know that its what i want to do, its just too conflicting to me on whether she needs to know or not, i know if o leave she needs to know but maybe if i get help from a therapist and fix myself she dosent really need to know, i know thats not fair but it will save her a lot of heartache..
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 And ironically, when the sh** does hit the fan, YOU will probaly be the one begging HER to forgive you and to stay with you. And when he does this will this be the truth Phoenix? Or just a lie to keep up the facade?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 but i became exactly who she wanted and i gave her everything she dreamed of, Easy boy, don't flatter yourself. You made her believe she had everything she dreamed of and that you became who she wanted. Smoke-n-mirrors, my friend. You've admitted that you aren't at all who she believes/wants you to be. You won't find happiness until you figure out who you want to be when you grow up.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 And when he does this will this be the truth Phoenix? Or just a lie to keep up the facade? one thing i can promise is that when i do finally open the flood gates i will be truthful. i will not lie to keep up the facade and i am hoping that i will handle this one way or the other before being confronted or before anything hitting the fan.
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