Athena Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I have a question - & Maybe this subject has been brought up & I missed it (long thread)...But Do you tell your wife you love her? It's pretty much a given that he does, since he lives his life as a lie... but sure, he can answer that. I am pretty sure he says whatever he thinks people want to hear... not good... leaves one feeling empty.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 I have a question - & Maybe this subject has been brought up & I missed it (long thread)...But Do you tell your wife you love her? athena is right, yes of course i tell her that i love her,i play the perfect role,i tell her everything she wants to hear and i do everything she wants me to do,from the outsode looking in i am a great husband and an amazing father,her friends say it to her all the time ,how lucky she is, if they only knew... but yes i say i love you, i call her honey, i am the good soldier,like a robot.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 athena- i didnt want to copy your entire post but i read the whole thing and you made some amazing points and you were correct about everything, i am an impostor living in her world behind sad eyes. my other problem is showing her who i really am, im not sure i know who i am,i dont think she will get the real me,she wont beleive it because i have transformed into her perfect ideal husband for all these years, yes i avoid conflict so i always appeased her and i have become exactly who she wants me to be,until i am alone in my own world and thats when i become the real me. when i say we are polar opposites, i mean more from our upbringing,she agrees with this fact but thinks because of the act i put on that i am nothing like how i was brought up, evernthough she sees it in my family she thinks i am different, so when i say upbringing i mean that she came froma warm loving family,they will go to the ends of the earth for eachother,her father would spend 25 hours a day with her mother if it was possible, i on the other hand came from a chaotic environment, my parents do nothing to gether,my dad dosent treat my mom as special,i have told you in past posts that i am basically repeating my fathers behaviors, he even got caught by a letter my mom had found but of course he talked and denied and got around it all and is still married to my mom today.. the only difference is i didnt get caught and i treat my wife like shes gold(yes i know not in reality but i am talking about when i am living the lie)..i have let her into my world a bit on how my family effects me so she is not totally in the dark.so yes you are right i am used to that and i am more like my family then she even knows, she got a taste of it when the gambling was discovered but she has no clue how deep it all really is. we live the brady bunch life and your right i am scared to change that, its like i dont want to ruffle her feathers so i just carry on and do what i am supposed to do and live the life that a man with a W and 3 kids is "supposed to live"...but i dont know why or how it happened but i can no longer fight the demons and i can no longer put on the smile and fake it.but i also have no idea how to change it. its all difficult for me, even telling her i want to see a therapist is tough because g-d forbid i might have to give her a reason.so your right i come here because its easier and at least i get some of this of my chest,i know nobody here can solve my problems for me and that action and change will only come as a direct result of me but i dont even know who i am or what it is i even want so how the heck can i cnage anything, but i do know i cant live like this forever, i cant be my dad and leave my W hanging on for her whole life and now at age 65 still married but also still out there galavanting around while my W sits and wonders what could have been.i do not want to turn my w into my mother.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 NS7, I know you want to do the right thing here. And I believe it is eating you alive. But getting bogged about how you've been a cake eater isn't getting you from point a to point b. You've done something wrong and you need to fix it. Get out of your own head a minute, sounds like you've been obsessing in there a lot. It may help to at least put things on hold with the OW for awhile so you have a clear head to interact with your W. I know you fear the consequences of honesty, but the consequences of doing nothing are worse, WAY worse, for everyone. yes it is literally eating me alive, its really all i think about these days, its really effecting me.i am trying to get out of my own head,i am all over the place, one minute i am leaving,the next i look at my daughter sleeping and say i can never do this to them,then i am back to i need to reveal who i am and what ive done and the next i am saying well if i can just get past this A maybe it will never happen again and my W will never know and we can live happily ever after,but i know that is complete and utter bs because this sisint a one time thing and this will be an ongoing problem for me if i dont make a change or take some action. yes doing nothing is way way worse, but now i need to see what it is i want to do and can i finally be honest with myself and everyone else around me.i feel like the bad and sad man behind my brown eyes.
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Someone WILL pay the price for your dishonesty. You know this don't you. Be it your wife by not really having a loving husband. You through your physical and physchological health. Your children may fare the best if you can keep things going as they currently are but you're in an affair and most of the times affairs get revealed. It seems you're unraveling though. You already know you can't keep the current facade up, at best you'll do your best to be a best dad you can be but you wont be the best dad you could be. You may stay married but both you and your wife may end up as shells of people. Get to therapy. Tell your wife you're depressed, which is the truth. It's a positive step to letting your wife know who you really are.
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 telling her i want to see a therapist is tough because g-d forbid i might have to give her a reason You don't have to tell her or anyone else that you want to see a T. Just do it and stop procrastinating. Don't use that as an excuse NOT to go see someone to talk to. The sooner you go and talk this out with someone professional, the sooner you can start to sort stuff out and make a decision one way or another. Living a lie, staying with your wife out of fear for her unhappiness is KILLING you. Either way something has to change. It's time.
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You don't have to tell her or anyone else that you want to see a T. Just do it and stop procrastinating. Don't use that as an excuse NOT to go see someone to talk to. The sooner you go and talk this out with someone professional, the sooner you can start to sort stuff out and make a decision one way or another. Living a lie, staying with your wife out of fear for her unhappiness is KILLING you. Either way something has to change. It's time. IMO, it would be better for your wife to catch you with a therapist than with another woman. Seriously.
whichwayisup Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 True, atleast this way the communication would/could start. NS, you can't live in limbo like this for much longer.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Someone WILL pay the price for your dishonesty. You know this don't you. Be it your wife by not really having a loving husband. You through your physical and physchological health. Your children may fare the best if you can keep things going as they currently are but you're in an affair and most of the times affairs get revealed. It seems you're unraveling though. You already know you can't keep the current facade up, at best you'll do your best to be a best dad you can be but you wont be the best dad you could be. You may stay married but both you and your wife may end up as shells of people. Get to therapy. Tell your wife you're depressed, which is the truth. It's a positive step to letting your wife know who you really are. i agree with you, and my health will eventaully become a factor, its interesting when i think about things, my father did the same thing to my mother and i thought i had just the perfect little world when i was young, he was a great dad and gave us everything,it seemed he and my mom had great realtionship, well guess what at age 23, i overheard him and my mom arguing about an ow and my perfect little world fell apart, i think about that alot, i bet my dad thought and still thinks to this day that his kids dont know anything and that we still think he is what he projected himself to be.now here i am living the same life and i hate it and i also although hypocritical have so much resentment towards him and what he did and continues to do. you are right i am unraveling by the day, and i have thought many times that yes i am a great dad but of course i am not the greatest dad i can be and i am definetely not the best man i can be. i really dont think this affair will ever be revealed but of course i cannot be 100% certain, i dont think my w would end up being a shell of a person if i continue on my current path but i can guarentee i am headed that way.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 You don't have to tell her or anyone else that you want to see a T. Just do it and stop procrastinating. Don't use that as an excuse NOT to go see someone to talk to. The sooner you go and talk this out with someone professional, the sooner you can start to sort stuff out and make a decision one way or another. Living a lie, staying with your wife out of fear for her unhappiness is KILLING you. Either way something has to change. It's time. you are right, i am not soing anything for fear of her unhappiness and i continue to just live the lie and keep the bs status quo.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 IMO, it would be better for your wife to catch you with a therapist than with another woman. Seriously. lol its true and in a sad way you made me chuckle.
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 you are right, i am not soing anything for fear of her unhappiness and i continue to just live the lie and keep the bs status quo. Get to therapy, don't tell W about it, just go.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 True, atleast this way the communication would/could start. NS, you can't live in limbo like this for much longer. yes at least there would be some sort of communication i know i cant live in limbo much longer, i can no longer just tuck it all away like i have in the past,even if you read my posts you can see its getting progressively worse.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Get to therapy, don't tell W about it, just go. thats probably my only answer, otherwise its go home and drop a bombshell and take it from there but thats a little bit of a helter skelter approach because if i dont know what result i want and i havent even figured myself out,it will serve no purpose.
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 OK, so 30 pages of advice and 24 days of time have transpired since you first came here asking for what you should do. In all of that, you've received the same advice throughout from the majority of responders. In all of that...nothing at all has changed in your actions. So...what are you going to do TODAY to start truly resolving this issue?
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 athena is right, yes of course i tell her that i love her,i play the perfect role,i tell her everything she wants to hear and i do everything she wants me to do,from the outsode looking in i am a great husband and an amazing father,her friends say it to her all the time ,how lucky she is, if they only knew... but yes i say i love you, i call her honey, i am the good soldier,like a robot. This makes me sick to my stomach.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 OK, so 30 pages of advice and 24 days of time have transpired since you first came here asking for what you should do. In all of that, you've received the same advice throughout from the majority of responders. In all of that...nothing at all has changed in your actions. So...what are you going to do TODAY to start truly resolving this issue? owl- as much as i appreciate that you are trying to spur me into action,sometimes people need this push,they need this time to sit on the fence and figure things out, i dont want to or mean to waste anyones time, you can see i read every post, i think about and take every post in and i respond to most, i am trying here, i know a change needs to be made. my thought process now is to try and get to a therapist,as i type things out on here i realize there is so much inside me that needs to get out and be fixed before i can even begin to think about anything else. this has been hard, i have nobody to talk to,i dont have any close family or firends to help me so yes it may be 30 pages and alot of advice but whether you or anyone knows it or not, it is helping me and you can see i want to make a change. so in answer to your question, therapist seems to be the answer for now.
pollswolls Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 i agree with you, and my health will eventaully become a factor, I'm surprised your health is still in tact with this kind of pressure & lies to have to tell every day of your life its interesting when i think about things, my father did the same thing to my mother Just because your dad did it to your mom does not make it ok for you to do it to your wife. You keep bringing this up...Why?
OFGnomore Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 thats probably my only answer, otherwise its go home and drop a bombshell and take it from there but thats a little bit of a helter skelter approach because if i dont know what result i want and i havent even figured myself out,it will serve no purpose. No bombshell, get to therapy, don't tell wife. Repeat 100x
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 This makes me sick to my stomach. i am sorry for that but i am being honest.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Just because your dad did it to your mom does not make it ok for you to do it to your wife. You keep bringing this up...Why? i do not bring it up as an excuse, i bring it up because i resent him so much for it and i look at my mom and she never got to live the life she wanted, she is and apparently was always lonely but because he never gave her the facts or the chance she continued to stay married and turn a blind eye, i bring it up because now that i am in the same situation i can change that,my W is not lonely(well at least in reality) and i have the power to make a change and not be my father or my W be my mother.i bring it up because it ways heavily in my mind. i in no way think its right,nor does anything anyone else does give me the right to repeat the behavior.
Owl Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 owl- as much as i appreciate that you are trying to spur me into action,sometimes people need this push,they need this time to sit on the fence and figure things out, i dont want to or mean to waste anyones time, you can see i read every post, i think about and take every post in and i respond to most, i am trying here, i know a change needs to be made. my thought process now is to try and get to a therapist,as i type things out on here i realize there is so much inside me that needs to get out and be fixed before i can even begin to think about anything else. this has been hard, i have nobody to talk to,i dont have any close family or firends to help me so yes it may be 30 pages and alot of advice but whether you or anyone knows it or not, it is helping me and you can see i want to make a change. so in answer to your question, therapist seems to be the answer for now. Dude...you've been "sitting on the fence" for you're entire marriage...if not your entire life. Quit using the "thinking it over" as your EXCUSE to do nothing. That is ALL that this is. I'm done. I do not believe that there really is any true desire to change...just the desire to talk about it. I'll leave this to others to help you with. Good luck. Check pls...
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 No bombshell, get to therapy, don't tell wife. Repeat 100x i beleive thats the answer for now, i just have to actually do something already. maybe a good therapist can help figure me out,it certainly cant hurt anymore than it does by keeping it all to myself.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Dude...you've been "sitting on the fence" for you're entire marriage...if not your entire life. Quit using the "thinking it over" as your EXCUSE to do nothing. That is ALL that this is. I'm done. I do not believe that there really is any true desire to change...just the desire to talk about it. I'll leave this to others to help you with. Good luck. Check pls... there is true desire for change and i hope to prove you wrong about that, it may not end up being the change you advocate but a change needs to be made, i am sorry you feel that way and i do appreciate all of your time and advice you have given.
confusedinkansas Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 there is true desire for change and i hope to prove you wrong about that, it may not end up being the change you advocate but a change needs to be made, i am sorry you feel that way and i do appreciate all of your time and advice you have given. We all have "breaking points" when it comes to situations like this. What do you think your "Breaking Point" is? I still am of the belief (& you may not realize it, but I think it's true) that you're sitting on the fence waiting for the other woman. I think that if she were to leave her husband TODAY ... YOU would pull the trigger. You'd tell your wife & move out. From everyting you have said here - I truly believe that's what you're waiting for. But, I guess only you can say WHY you're sitting on the fence....So, WHY are you?
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