redhead26 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 My husband and I have been fighting nearly constantly for about a year. Latley I have been seriously considering starting the divorce process. I think that the only reason I am still with him is, of corse because I love him still, but mainly because we have two children together. Our daughter is only 3 years old, and he guilts me about tearing our family apart and causing the kids pain. I am trying to figure out a way to work past the guilt he is throwing at me, and make the decision that is right for me. Am I selfish for wanting a divorce? Is it better to just "fake it" until my kids are old enough to understand a little better? Any advice would be greatly appreicaited as I do not have any support from family and friends because we have kept our problems private. Thank you
Ronni_W Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Redhead, No, it is not "selfish" to want to feel happy, fulfilled and peaceful. In fact, you NEED to feel that way in order to be the best possible mom for your kids. That said. Have you guys tried couples' counseling? In my own case, I wanted to be sure that I had left no stone unturned BEFORE heading for the lawyer's office. Our counseling was ultimately unsuccessful, but I'm not wondering if I did, or feeling guilty that I did not, do everything that was in my power to do. There is an interesting article titled, "Relationships in the new era" that you can search for at SpiritLibrary.com It is from a spiritual perspective -- 2012 energies/consciousness, karmic relationships, healing relationships and the like -- so the article is not for everybody (which is also why I'm not posting the link.) I'm sorry that you're going through this -- it certainly doesn't sound like a happy or healthy way to live. I'd also suggest that your children are not being well-served in such an environment. Kids are sensitive to the "vibes" even if the adults do manage to keep their hostility behind closed doors. Maybe it's about asking your husband if he has any desire to WORK (with you and a counselor) to repair your relationship instead of just manipulating/guilting you into putting up with an intolerable situation? If he's not prepared to put forth a good faith effort...that is your answer about your marriage, and then it's your a free will choice to stay or leave. Marriagebuilders.com is an excellent resource -- many good articles and questionnaires that can help to bring some clarity and insight. You do deserve to be happy! And your kids deserve to have a happy mom, dad and home environment. Wishing all of you a positive, nurturing and loving future.
tojaz Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 Have you spoken to your husband about why you are unhappy? Not fought over it, but openly discussed? My wife recently revealed that she wasn't happy, she did that by asking for a divorce. Wouldn't try MC or even a seperation. One month ago I was happy as can be and loved being married, now I have been served with divorce papers and never had a chance to make it right. Never saw it coming. >>my story >> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ As the husband in a situation like this, in my own experience I was completely devestated. Still am. If you still love your husband and he still loves you, I would exhaust every possible avenue before the BIG D. Counseling is a big help, if he won't go with you ,go alone. Do some reading on the subject of your relationship. A lot of people on LS suggest "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner-Davis I have been reading it, and it has helped alot. Not with my relationship, but with how I understand MY part in it. I also read "Reconcilable Differences" by Andrew Christensen. This book speaks a lot about how people interact with each other and how to communicate and fight in healthy ways. I would check them both out. I guess, what I'm trying to say is. If you want it to work, it will be hard and it will take time, everything worthwhile does. DONT RUSH!! You can always get divorced if that is what needs to happen, but the scars run deep so be sure thats whats best for you in your heart before you pull the trigger. Like I said, my wife is gone and I have been served but to this day she says she is still confused whether she is doing the right thing or not, yet she will not give me the opportunity to prove it. If your husband is anything like me, he wants the marriage to be the best it can be, unfortunately we don't always know how to get there on our own. Keep posting,there are a lot of folks here that are a lot smarter the I am, they help alot. Read other posts to see it from all sides. and I wish you all the happiness and all the best. TOJAZ
DNU1 Posted June 7, 2009 Posted June 7, 2009 My husband and I have been fighting nearly constantly for about a year. Latley I have been seriously considering starting the divorce process. I think that the only reason I am still with him is, of corse because I love him still, but mainly because we have two children together. Our daughter is only 3 years old, and he guilts me about tearing our family apart and causing the kids pain. I am trying to figure out a way to work past the guilt he is throwing at me, and make the decision that is right for me. Am I selfish for wanting a divorce? Is it better to just "fake it" until my kids are old enough to understand a little better? Any advice would be greatly appreicaited as I do not have any support from family and friends because we have kept our problems private. Thank you Red: Sorry you are here contemplating the big D word. Question for you. Do you believe there is someone else in his life? Another woman? Is there someone else in your life? Another man? What specifically are you fighting about? Money? Meeting emotional needs? Intimacy? I strongly recommend a book by Dr. Harley called "his needs, her needs." Very good words on what makes a marriage work...and what makes a marriage fail.
whichwayisup Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 Have you two gone to marriage counselling to try to sort things out? You two DO owe it to your kids to give your marriage your best. Do counselling, and work together to make things good again. Obviously you two married and were inlove at some point, having two kids with him.. Go on date nights, get a sitter for the kids, or drop the kids off at the grandparents house.. Spend ALONE time as a couple, be romantic..Talk to eachother and also have fun. Seems maybe both of you have forgotten what LOVE and family is about.
Recommended Posts