The alternative option to no contact

[j_cali_man]

Leap83,

 

Can you elaborate on some of the "magic" you have been seeing from NC and what the timelines for that magic have been? Would be helpful for many including myself who is in NC right now... Everyone is different but I like to read positive stories too.

 

J

[DenverBachelor]

I don't know. LC is working its magic right now with my ex. It is literally magic. I have hope for the future. However, my focus right now is on building a friendship, trust, partnership and nurturing relationship. If everything works out and we were meant to be together, we'll end up together. If not, hey at least I made a very good friend.

 

I think a lot of people who pursue second chances make too many mistakes based on too little information compounded by too many assumptions. What I mean is that they broke up with us for a reason. Whatever that reason was, it was strong enough for them to call it quits with you. That's a big deal when you're an otherwise decent person and never cheated on them, etc. So whether their checking out if the grass is greener or they really feel something was lacking in the relationship, you're already at a deficit.

 

Then there is the issue with information. People tend to forget that it isn't just you vs. your ex. There are other people floating around in their stratosphere of possibilities. They know you all too well and if you become their friend, what is there to miss? They can go through picking and choosing while they have you to text as an emotional crutch. So then you have to play *that* game of opening contact but not going to far into the friend-zone. Have you ever walked a tightrope before?

 

Then we make to many assumptions. They'll never usually come straight out and tell you what they're really feeling. Remember how they told you they loved you and a day or week later they kicked you to the curb? So we already know words don't mean anything at this point. Especially words in a text or in an e-mail. I see a lot of people trying to get out their Rice Crispies Secret Decoder and go letter by letter looking for some hidden meaning within the little pixels of their phone's screen. Sometimes a "hey, what's up?" is a feeler. Sometimes they're relieving guilt. Sometimes they're already in another relationship and are just curious about what you've been up to.

 

So then you have to play THAT game with them as well.

 

So not only do you have to navigate their stratosphere of potential mates, you have to do it on a tightrope so you keep the channels open while simultaneously not going overboard by making them realize that you're safe in their back pocket. THEN you have to figure out how to read into what they're saying to you but that's usually just anyone's guess unless you have some body language to back it up.

 

Then, if you can do all of that, you then have to do it perfectly in sync with them. When they move, you move. When they disappear, you go back to the gym and work out to keep yourself in shape.

 

And then there are those random variables that nobody can account for and sometimes a chance at reconciliation is just barely lost because the timing was off.

 

Hey, trust me -- I would love to get back with my beautiful ex. She's a great person and was my best friend for seven years. But she's dating another guy right now so I need to respect that and leave her be. I wish I could wave my hand and make things work out in our past in a different way but you can't change people. She made her decision to cut me loose. I had problems during our relationship that I realized I needed to address. So did she. Nobody is perfect within one.

 

All that is left to do now is to hit the gym each day and run a little further, get back to the body I had in my early 20's and enjoy life. Life isn't always fair but just because she decided to end it doesn't mean I can't become 10x better than what I was by fixing my problems, ending my addictions and moving forward. People get too hung up on one person and a majority of the time they don't even realize that it isn't the person they miss, but this great image they had built up that only that person could slip into.

 

Buildings are erected and eventually crumble. Civilizations grow and thrive only to eventually get transformed or wiped out. Nothing is permanent in this physical universe but what we can do is constantly adapt to our situation and make the best of our circumstances.

 

Some people continue to want to slam a square peg in a round hole. It's ok to let go and move on for yourself. That's the only person you should be doing it for -- not her or him.

 

Invest in yourself and smile and work out and become a positive person that people are drawn towards. Who needs a second chance when there are so many great first ones?

[selena_cat]

Absolutely Denver! great reply,so is everyones here,this is such an interesting and informative thread.

I realize my mistake is giving him that impression that i'm secure in his back poscket which is a big mistake in my part,i get it.if you go LC with the ex do it in a way that they don't think you're their back-up backburner decoy.

Edited November 23, 2009 by selena_cat

[DenverBachelor]

Absolutely Denver! great reply,so is everyones here,this is such an interesting and informative thread.

I realize my mistake is giving him that impression that i'm secure in his back poscket which is a big mistake in my part,i get it.if you go LC with the ex do it in a way that they don't think you're their back-up backburner decoy.

 

I've found the most common themes (as it relates to women anyway) are:

 

1) Mystery -- You can't be mysterious if you're always around. That's a strong point for NC.

2) Respect -- The sooner you stop acting bat**** crazy, the better.

3) Change -- When they do see you and you've cleaned up your act, that's attractive.

4) Distance -- Give them space. Let them sort out their own issues.

5) Communication -- Eventually, you'll need some dialog with them and transition from NC to LC in such a way that your head isn't up their ass constantly. Be polite, respectful and considerate, but don't be their shopping buddy.

 

Even with all that, sometimes one has to accept that the relationship failed and it is done. I've only had one woman in my life break up with me that shattered me. Every other one I just felt, "Thank God you dumped me because I hate doing the dirty work."

 

In my view, if she comes back to me, I'll give her a second chance if she's sincere and feels she made a mistake. I'm not going to hold the breakup over her head. That's just stupid. I'm not going to blame her for feeling the way she did -- even if she did so because of another guy.

 

Sometimes people in life just don't know what they want and they got involved with someone meant for them too soon -- but they need reassurance that the person is best for them.

 

At the same time, if she doesn't come back, then I wish her the best in life. If she was too blind or stupid to see I'm a great catch, then I don't want to be with someone who's perception of guy's is so warped that she feels the need to continuously go from one meaningless relationship to the next.

 

I'll never let a woman define my existence again. I made that mistake ONCE and it crushed me. I am stronger than that and I don't need anyone but myself, but I would like to share experiences with the right person. But I will NEVER put myself in the position where I give my entire heart to someone and not leave any for myself. You have to always love you first.

 

I've also found that many women define their self-worth by their relationships. They need the constant attention and support of a man. Likewise, I've seen men do this as well -- but generally for slightly different reasons.

 

In the end, **** happens. You either accept your course in life and adjust your sails or you resign yourself to defeat until you wash up on some island.

Edited November 23, 2009 by DenverBachelor

[leap83]

Leap83,

 

Can you elaborate on some of the "magic" you have been seeing from NC and what the timelines for that magic have been? Would be helpful for many including myself who is in NC right now... Everyone is different but I like to read positive stories too.

 

J

 

It's not NC (no contact) that was working it's "magic". It's the LC (limited contact). To be quite honest with you, no contact did nothing for "us" (my ex and me). I can speak for myself only (because I haven't talked with him about this and I can only assume) but no contact created even more confusion and misunderstanding.

 

I was NC with him for a month after we broke up. Then I started to use LC - first with e-mails (that lasted a month and a half) and then finally phone (which happened yesterday). So we built to the point of being able to speak over the phone. It did NOT happen over night.

 

What "magic" am I talking about?

Our break-up was fairly mutual. However, with it came an emotional rollercoaster for me - I was feeling sad, angry, then happy, then relieved, scared, insecure, etc. There was a lot of misunderstanding between the 2 of us (we didn't realize this at the time), a lot of fear (on both sides), and lack of understanding of dynamics of our relationship. So, the first month was a "analyze" everything month where I got nothing out of it - I came out even more confused and with even less understanding. Then the LC rolled around and it was okay - however, I was determined to get to the bottom of what happened. So, I started to look at myself and MY behaviour - I have a fairly good memory, so I wrote down everything that happened and took it from there. What I came to find at the end of the 2nd month was that we both screwed up - it was a 50-50 split between us. Issues from my past were causing his issues to pop up and other way around. Also, I realized a lot of things which I did without actually realizing at a time: ex. I would never listen to him, never asked him how he felt about certain things, etc. Keep in mind that before the whole end of the relationship was blamed on HIS behaviour - he accepted this and I acknowledged it. So in this second month, I realized that yes, he had issues, but so did I. I wrote down my thoughts of what I *think* he felt at that point in time.

 

Phone conversation yesterday went amazingly well. Why? Because there was NO anger, resentment, grudges on my part and he was open to talking about anything concerning our relationship. He didn't mind the LC part at all (neither did I). During our phone conversation, I went over a couple of things in our relationship and he told me how he felt - confirming my assumptions. It's up to ME now to see how I'm going to work on these, but I got to the bottom of it. Also, before he wasn't willing to even consider therapy, but after our conversation yesterday, he started to.

 

Now we're planning on meeting before Christmas for a cup of coffee (as friends). Why as friends? Because BOTH of us need to work on things - he knows this and I know it too. If we don't work on them, we're back to square one.

 

My point is this: second chances will come and work ONLY if you work on yourself and look at the situation objectively. You can only do this AFTER you've cooled off and have your mind somewhat clear. The last thing you want is to go back and be with them, WITHOUT working on yourself. Because, let's face it - it takes 2 to tango - so unless you were cheated on, physically and emotionally abused or they were seriously a major player, you BOTH contributed to the break-up.

 

People play the blame game all too much IMO. They blame the other but fail to first look at themselves. That was MY mistake. So, before you point the finger at anyone, you should be able to have your hands clean.

 

So, LC combined with personal development and awareness should help you get the second chance. But MORE importantly it is the work that YOU put into YOUR own development that matters. You shouldn't be doing this for your ex. You should be doing it for yourself.

[HeavenOrHell]

So glad it's working out for you, I hope LC will work for me, I'm trying to have hope simmering away in the background.

I identify so well with your last paragraph.

 

I believe everyone is different. We go through different experiences. For some people, NC would be the way to go; for others, it wouldn't. If you're planning to get your ex back, you definitively do not want to fall into the friend zone. However, if you really think about it, being friends could be a good idea, because it could grow into something more eventually (if the relationship before you broke up was a couple of months and you barely knew each other).

 

Some believe that being a friend with the ex is going to ruin their potential. Not necessarily. It again depends on the situation. You don't want to be buddies with them where they tell you about their new relationship or w.e. but you want to be friendly with them.

 

I don't know. LC is working its magic right now with my ex. It is literally magic. I have hope for the future. However, my focus right now is on building a friendship, trust, partnership and nurturing relationship. If everything works out and we were meant to be together, we'll end up together. If not, hey at least I made a very good friend.

[Art_Critic]

What's with all this talk about LC.. LC is just a term for people who don't want to commit to NC..or for people to weak to do NC...

 

NC is about healing the hurt.. you can't heal the hurt when contact stills happens.

LC or NC isn't about getting another uninterested party interested again..

 

When a relationship breaks the person who left isn't going to magically come back to you becuase you played some game of LC..

They only come back if they want too and if they want too isn't altered by LC.

 

If anything LC pushes more people away..

If an old exgf of mine kept in contact with me after the breakup I would grow tired of it and wish that she would just stop it.. ( and that has happened more than once )

[leap83]

I think a lot of people who pursue second chances make too many mistakes based on too little information compounded by too many assumptions. What I mean is that they broke up with us for a reason. Whatever that reason was, it was strong enough for them to call it quits with you. That's a big deal when you're an otherwise decent person and never cheated on them, etc. So whether their checking out if the grass is greener or they really feel something was lacking in the relationship, you're already at a deficit.

 

Yes. I agree with you on this. However, how will you know what was lacking in a relationship if you've never asked them? Wouldn't you ever wonder? I mean, let's face it, sometimes we do things almost unconsciously and we don't even realize what we have done until later. I believe that talking with your ex (if you're still talking) about this would be a great insight into your self-development. In the end, YOU have the right to disagree with them and later on say "That's bull****." However, you also have the right to know how they viewed you while you were with them (IMO).

 

Then there is the issue with information. People tend to forget that it isn't just you vs. your ex. There are other people floating around in their stratosphere of possibilities. They know you all too well and if you become their friend, what is there to miss? They can go through picking and choosing while they have you to text as an emotional crutch. So then you have to play *that* game of opening contact but not going to far into the friend-zone. Have you ever walked a tightrope before?

 

I'm walking on it right now. Yes. There are people. So? I sense as though you feel insecure about your own strengths (I don't mean this in a mean way at all - you can disagree with me if you want ). Are you scared that your ex might pick someone else? It's a 2 way street. You can start by opening contact, but then let them know that if they ever feel like calling you up, they're more than welcome to do so. That way you're making it a 2 way street. While they're picking and choosing, you could be doing that as well (IMO). You don't have to sit there and wait for them to call. In the end, you're broken up now so they don't need to call you. This is the way I view it: if there is a possibility of a second chance, you risk your heart. Yes, you might end up getting hurt (worst possibility) or you might being with them again (best possibility). Until you try, you don't know. You can only assume. And what does assuming do? It makes an ass of you and me.

 

Then we make to many assumptions. They'll never usually come straight out and tell you what they're really feeling. Remember how they told you they loved you and a day or week later they kicked you to the curb? So we already know words don't mean anything at this point. Especially words in a text or in an e-mail. I see a lot of people trying to get out their Rice Crispies Secret Decoder and go letter by letter looking for some hidden meaning within the little pixels of their phone's screen. Sometimes a "hey, what's up?" is a feeler. Sometimes they're relieving guilt. Sometimes they're already in another relationship and are just curious about what you've been up to.

 

Okay. So let's say you're in LC. You talk normally and your ex is open to talking about dynamics of your relationship. Why wouldn't you be able to ask them how THEY feel about something? IMO, words are a bunch of fluff (even when you're in a relationship). It's the ACTIONS that matter. They can tell you a million things but if that is not followed by a proper action, then they're bull****ting. I can tell you this for a fact because with my ex, that's exactly what I did. My actions never followed my words - so my words were a bunch of bull. They don't necessarily HAVE to tell you how they feel - you can gauge this from the way they look at you, body language, their tone of voice, etc.

 

And sometimes they actually care.

So then you have to play THAT game with them as well.

 

You DON'T HAVE TO play that game. It is YOUR life. You have the power to do what YOU feel is right. You don't need to play any games at all. You can do what you makes you feel good about yourself and your relationship with them. If you feel like not answering that phone, then don't. If you feel like cutting the convo short, then do that. It's very simple actually.

 

So not only do you have to navigate their stratosphere of potential mates, you have to do it on a tightrope so you keep the channels open while simultaneously not going overboard by making them realize that you're safe in their back pocket. THEN you have to figure out how to read into what they're saying to you but that's usually just anyone's guess unless you have some body language to back it up.

 

Again, why aren't you asking THEM how they feel about certain things? Why assume? Are you scared to ask? What's the worst that can happen - they say "No. I don't love you and I think there's no chance between us." How is that going to hurt you? You're already broken up.

 

Then, if you can do all of that, you then have to do it perfectly in sync with them. When they move, you move. When they disappear, you go back to the gym and work out to keep yourself in shape.

 

And then there are those random variables that nobody can account for and sometimes a chance at reconciliation is just barely lost because the timing was off.

 

Hey, trust me -- I would love to get back with my beautiful ex. She's a great person and was my best friend for seven years. But she's dating another guy right now so I need to respect that and leave her be. I wish I could wave my hand and make things work out in our past in a different way but you can't change people. She made her decision to cut me loose. I had problems during our relationship that I realized I needed to address. So did she. Nobody is perfect within one.

 

All that is left to do now is to hit the gym each day and run a little further, get back to the body I had in my early 20's and enjoy life. Life isn't always fair but just because she decided to end it doesn't mean I can't become 10x better than what I was by fixing my problems, ending my addictions and moving forward. People get too hung up on one person and a majority of the time they don't even realize that it isn't the person they miss, but this great image they had built up that only that person could slip into.

 

Buildings are erected and eventually crumble. Civilizations grow and thrive only to eventually get transformed or wiped out. Nothing is permanent in this physical universe but what we can do is constantly adapt to our situation and make the best of our circumstances.

 

Some people continue to want to slam a square peg in a round hole. It's ok to let go and move on for yourself. That's the only person you should be doing it for -- not her or him.

 

Invest in yourself and smile and work out and become a positive person that people are drawn towards. Who needs a second chance when there are so many great first ones?

 

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. I'm also sorry to hear that she's with another. Yes. You are right. Some people cling onto the hope of getting back together with their ex and they do everything in their power to look better, etc. However, it's not about that. It's about making your life better for yourself. Now, whether you decide to keep an ex in the picture or not, is up to you. I decided to keep my ex in the picture because I'd like to believe there is hope for us - this is based on his words and some of his actions.

 

I used to get all tangled up in "What did he mean by this? Or that?" and really it was very simple. If you don't understand what they mean by this or that, you say "I'm so sorry. I didn't quite understand that. Would you mind clarifying?" Or instead of wondering what the heck they were/are feeling, how about you ask them "How are you feeling about me/us? How were you feeling about me when we were together? How did this make you feel?" Why assume? The only reason why I'm sticking with this guy is because I stopped assuming and started asking. Otherwise, I would assuming, thinking there is hope, when really there isn't. Simply put.

 

Responses are above.

[leap83]

So glad it's working out for you, I hope LC will work for me, I'm trying to have hope simmering away in the background.

I identify so well with your last paragraph.

 

Are you trying to have hope or based on his words/actions, you see that there is hope? LC only works with self-development. Keep that in mind.

[leap83]

What's with all this talk about LC.. LC is just a term for people who don't want to commit to NC..or for people to weak to do NC...

 

Disagree. I'm not weak. You shouldn't make such assumptions and generalizations.

 

NC is about healing the hurt.. you can't heal the hurt when contact stills happens.

 

This is true. That's why there should be a month, 2, 3 of NC before the LC.

 

LC or NC isn't about getting another uninterested party interested again..

I agree with this. It's not.

 

When a relationship breaks the person who left isn't going to magically come back to you becuase you played some game of LC..

 

Agree with this. They won't. But LC combined with mutual understanding, respect and willingness to change the dynamics, and self-development might bring you two together.

 

They only come back if they want too and if they want too isn't altered by LC.

 

True.

 

If anything LC pushes more people away..

 

Disagree. LC didn't push my ex and me away. It only brought us closer together and more in sync with each other's wants/needs. It will push away the other only if you use LC to beg, cling, and try to get them to come back to you. If you use it to talk about life, it doesn't necessarily push the other away - unless they're not understanding and they specifically don't want to hear from you ever again.

 

If an old exgf of mine kept in contact with me after the breakup I would grow tired of it and wish that she would just stop it.. ( and that has happened more than once )

 

I'm hoping you were very clear with her about "wishing that she's stop it." I'm hoping you told her "I don't want you contacting me again. Thank you." when she started doing it. And not just all of a sudden cut it off without first telling her. That's a cowardly move (IMO) - didn't mean that in a mean way.

 

Responses above.

[leap83]

Okay. Just to make it very clear about my situation so that I'm not giving false hope to others.

 

My situation was a tad bit different. Our break-up was fairly mutual. My ex NEVER told me not to contact him. In fact, he told me that I'm more than welcome to give him a call. I told him that I need to go NC and I went NC for a month. I contacted him after a month and started the process of LC through e-mails. This was mostly talking about life in general (no mention of relationship). He again NEVER mentioned not to contact him. He was very fast to respond to my e-mails and tended to write a lot (which led me to believe he would be comfortable in talking over the phone). However, before the phone contact, I asked him whether he'd be comfortable if I gave him a call through an e-mail and he was very open to communicating. I wanted to talk about the development of our friendship and ask him a couple of questions about our relationship to help me in my self-development. He was VERY open to discussing the dynamics of our relationship and more than willing to go over these with me.

 

So, he NEVER stated NOT to contact him. He never seemed annoyed. When we talked over the phone, we talked for an hour and a bit. He seemed happy and our conversation flowed very smoothly - no awkwardness or confusion. When we talked about our relationship, there was no awkwardness there either. It was a very open, honest communication on both parts and very understanding and respectful. This conversation and the way it went led us to believe that we can see each other in person. So one thing transitioned to another transitioned to another. It wasn't forced. No pressure.

 

So, I just wanted to clarify this.

 

And yes, there were indirect sentences in the conversation which pointed to having feelings. I did not ask him specifically what he meant by saying this or that because I believe it would be too much pressure for the first conversation for both of us, but these clues were pretty damned obvious (obviously, I'd have to confirm this - right now I'm just assuming).

Edited November 23, 2009 by leap83

[Art_Critic]

Responses above.

 

Okay leap.. good luck to you..

[Art_Critic]

My situation was a tad bit different. Our break-up was fairly mutual.

 

Well.. in your case LC, which is just friendship if done with the intent of having respect for the other person is the way to go...

 

Glad it worked out or you

[mmk1]

LC can work, but most likely not. More likely, it will just delay the inevitable and not meet your needs at all. Therefore, I will never try it again. The energy is better spent on yourself and finding someone new.

[HeavenOrHell]

No, of course the dumper won't automatically come back after LC, yes they would only back if they want to and any pressuring is likely to push them further away.

My ex made it clear before he left that he would always want to stay in contact with me and that he was terrified of losing me altogether, because we still love each other and are totally ourselves with each other, the bond is too strong to just give up on altogether.

I asked for some space (LC) so that I could let go a little and try to build myself back up again.

 

 

What's with all this talk about LC.. LC is just a term for people who don't want to commit to NC..or for people to weak to do NC...

 

NC is about healing the hurt.. you can't heal the hurt when contact stills happens.

LC or NC isn't about getting another uninterested party interested again..

 

When a relationship breaks the person who left isn't going to magically come back to you becuase you played some game of LC..

They only come back if they want too and if they want too isn't altered by LC.

 

If anything LC pushes more people away..

If an old exgf of mine kept in contact with me after the breakup I would grow tired of it and wish that she would just stop it.. ( and that has happened more than once )

[Art_Critic]

My ex made it clear before he left that he would always want to stay in contact with me and that he was terrified of losing me altogether, because we still love each other and are totally ourselves with each other, the bond is too strong to just give up on altogether.

I asked for some space (LC) so that I could let go a little and try to build myself back up again.

 

That's called being back burnered.. if you are all for 2nd or 3rd place then go for it..

 

I have always thought too much of my own self esteem to allow myself just table scraps in a relationship..

I want the full course meal...

[HeavenOrHell]

I meant that the little hope I have I am keeping on the back burner rather than having it boiling away in the foreground, ie I am not pinning all my hopes on it as I have no idea if we can ever rebuild.

The reason I have some hope is because he has left twice before and come back and because when we broke up this time we finally opened up and talked fully about what the problems had been and acknowledged everything, cried together about it, we didn't want it to come to this.

I feel there were mixed/confused messages in the lead up to him leaving, and certain things he has said since he left, BUT I could just be reading into them, I don't know.

Whatever happens I am building myself and my life up again and he can see that, but ultimately I am doing it for me.

This could be a time of self development for us both and reflecting on things.

If he wanted to try again at some point I would be hesitant but pleased, I like to think that we would be more solid for having gone right to the very depths, the lowest place we could go. We would have to take things slowly. Rebuilding may not be possible, I wish we could try. Some couples CAN and DO rebuild, but of course it depends on the circumstances.

I am fully aware it may not even be an option for us, but I don't think I will regret not going NC from the start, no-one knew/knows for sure what our outcome might be.

 

 

Are you trying to have hope or based on his words/actions, you see that there is hope? LC only works with self-development. Keep that in mind.

[leap83]

I meant that the little hope I have I am keeping on the back burner rather than having it boiling away in the foreground, ie I am not pinning all my hopes on it as I have no idea if we can ever rebuild.

The reason I have some hope is because he has left twice before and come back and because when we broke up this time we finally opened up and talked fully about what the problems had been and acknowledged everything, cried together about it, we didn't want it to come to this.

I feel there were mixed/confused messages in the lead up to him leaving, and certain things he has said since he left, BUT I could just be reading into them, I don't know.

Whatever happens I am building myself and my life up again and he can see that, but ultimately I am doing it for me.

This could be a time of self development for us both and reflecting on things.

If he wanted to try again at some point I would be hesitant but pleased, I like to think that we would be more solid for having gone right to the very depths, the lowest place we could go. We would have to take things slowly. Rebuilding may not be possible, I wish we could try. Some couples CAN and DO rebuild, but of course it depends on the circumstances.

I am fully aware it may not even be an option for us, but I don't think I will regret not going NC from the start, no-one knew/knows for sure what our outcome might be.

 

Ok. So you said there were mixed messages on both sides. I'm assuming you're still in LC with him (?). Have you 2 talked about how he feels and how you feel at all since you broke up? Have you asked him to clarify some of the things he has said? I believe communication is the key at this point in time. However, communication without pressure. Keeping it as light as possible. I don't know your circumstances, so I'm just guessing and assuming here.

 

With my ex, we've only broken up once. If there comes a point in time to be able to be with him again, I wouldn't want to break up again. And the break-up we went through wasn't a clean break. It was more of a "give up" than a break-up. Right now, I can only build on whatever I know we have and thank God, we didn't demolish what we had.

[leap83]

That's called being back burnered.. if you are all for 2nd or 3rd place then go for it..

 

I have always thought too much of my own self esteem to allow myself just table scraps in a relationship..

I want the full course meal...

 

I believe that to get a full course meal sometimes you have to work a bit on it (like preparing the meal not just getting it). You give up on relationships you believe are not worth it and save the ones you believe you can build on. Sometimes circumstances don't let you be with the person you want to be with - ie. distance, career focus, different paths in life, which doesn't mean that eventually you won't be on the same path.

 

Obviously, I'm against being used for anything. So, in that sense you're right. But if it is based on mutual respect and you give a little and they give a little, then you're not being used. It's all about balance. Some people go out and use and abuse their relationship with their ex - that's why when you meet someone who is actually honest, you're skeptical. Haha. So give a little, receive a little. Good balance.

[DenverBachelor]

\And the break-up we went through wasn't a clean break. It was more of a "give up" than a break-up. Right now, I can only build on whatever I know we have and thank God, we didn't demolish what we had.

 

Don't delude yourself. A breakup is a breakup. If two people are in a relationship and sharing daily plans and then they no longer are, that's a breakup. All breakups are because one or two people "give up."

 

I've dated .... oh god ... I lost count -- but I've been broken up with at least 5+ times. Sometimes I just lost interest in the relationship or purposely sabotaged it because I was too chicken at the time to end it myself. My first ex came back after 6 months. That relationship failed again -- same patterns from her.

 

Another relationship I can remember that failed and she came back ... she came back and I called her a fat whale or something and that sealed up that second chance. She wasn't fat, but she was always talking about her weight and she was in good shape. I was a dick and went below the belt with that one.

 

Another one ... she broke it off and I didn't give two ****s. Didn't come back.

 

Another one ... she broke it off, then we got back in touch months later ... started dating again ... then it went casual ... then it was dating. Then she didn't know what she wanted and said we should probably break up. I told her I didn't even realize we were supposed to be exclusive. She slammed the door in my face. Time went on and we became good friends.

 

So in my own life, I've had about a 50% + ratio of women eventually come back around or somehow the relationship got restarted. All of them didn't work out.

 

So think about that when you're begging yourself for that second chance.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm finding it hard to understand why so many members here say that couples can never get back together, never rebuild! How can you speak for everyone?! I know people who have split up and got back together and stayed together, a friend of mine had a long term partner, she split with him for 3 years, she dated others, although he didn't, and they are still together, she even had an affair for 2 years (I don't condone this!) while living with him and he didn't dump her, he was distraught and angry, but they're now happily married, they have been together 25 years.

My best friend ended up hating her ex partner because of his behaviour over the past year, she dumped him, but after NC for 1 or 2 months and then LC they are are rebuilding.

I will probably not be lucky enough to have this happen to me, but all I'm saying is, who knows.

If it is meant to be then it will be, if it's not it won't, some people are right together and some aren't!

[DenverBachelor]

I'm finding it hard to understand why so many members here say that couples can never get back together, never rebuild! How can you speak for everyone?! I know people who have split up and got back together and stayed together, a friend of mine had a long term partner, she split with him for 3 years, she dated others, although he didn't, and they are still together, she even had an affair for 2 years (I don't condone this!) while living with him and he didn't dump her, he was distraught and angry, but they're now happily married, they have been together 25 years.

My best friend ended up hating her ex partner because of his behaviour over the past year, she dumped him, but after NC for 1 or 2 months and then LC they are are rebuilding.

I will probably not be lucky enough to have this happen to me, but all I'm saying is, who knows.

If it is meant to be then it will be, if it's not it won't, some people are right together and some aren't!

 

To me, things in life require investment. Investments have costs and rewards. It simply is a bad investment to pawn after an ex (from my past experience). The risk/reward ratio is horrible. Sure, some people DO get back and it works. People also win the lottery. Would you spend every waking moment trying to win it?

[leap83]

Don't delude yourself. A breakup is a breakup. If two people are in a relationship and sharing daily plans and then they no longer are, that's a breakup. All breakups are because one or two people "give up."

 

Really? What about if you're still sharing your daily plans? Still know what the heck the other one is doing by talking and keeping in touch? We literally both gave up because we realized that at this point in time this ain't going to work - different paths of life. We're both trying to get ahead career wise and we're trying to sort out our lives. Aside from that, I'm also not in the country next year which makes this an even more difficult situation. He wants me to take the position and see the world, which shows that he's really supportive.

 

People DON'T give up. They get sick of each other. One person doesn't care anymore or they lose feelings. It's not a "give up." It's an "I don't care attitude". I don't think I've given up on my relationship with my ex of 4 yrs. I think that ended because I started to lose feelings and in the end, didn't care anymore. It was completely out of my control

 

This break-up however was in our control. It was a decision we've made together. It wasn't like one person decided to get out and they said "Well, I don't want to be with you." It was "This can't work right now." Two different situations.

 

I've dated .... oh god ... I lost count -- but I've been broken up with at least 5+ times. Sometimes I just lost interest in the relationship or purposely sabotaged it because I was too chicken at the time to end it myself. My first ex came back after 6 months. That relationship failed again -- same patterns from her.

 

Another relationship I can remember that failed and she came back ... she came back and I called her a fat whale or something and that sealed up that second chance. She wasn't fat, but she was always talking about her weight and she was in good shape. I was a dick and went below the belt with that one.

 

Another one ... she broke it off and I didn't give two ****s. Didn't come back.

 

Another one ... she broke it off, then we got back in touch months later ... started dating again ... then it went casual ... then it was dating. Then she didn't know what she wanted and said we should probably break up. I told her I didn't even realize we were supposed to be exclusive. She slammed the door in my face. Time went on and we became good friends.

 

So in my own life, I've had about a 50% + ratio of women eventually come back around or somehow the relationship got restarted. All of them didn't work out.

 

Well, maybe you should look at your patterns then. YOUR behaviour. The reason why these relationships didn't work out is because you (I'm assuming) didn't put in the work to make them work. You didn't change your patterns, behaviour or didn't work on your personal development. Or the girls didn't work on it. There's 2 sides to everything. So, they failed because of this - SAME PATTERNS. It wasn't different than the first time. It was the SAME relationship repeated TWICE or OVER AND OVER. It wasn't ANY different. That's why you DON'T go back unless something changes; unless issues that were there are resolved; unless the other person put some work into personal development and reflection and changed their patterns. It takes 2 to tango. You can't expect one person to change and other not to. The reason why so many relationships fail the second or third time around is because of this. People don't learn. They don't bother to.

 

I'm not saying that it is possible to re-build a relationship with every person. It is NOT. But in certain situations, it is very much possible. I've seen it happen. I know of people who have done it. I know of people who split for 5 years and then got back together and now they've been married for 10 years and have beautiful children, a happy marriage.

 

So think about that when you're begging yourself for that second chance.

 

I'm not begging anyone. My ex is blaming himself for the failure of our relationship. Until that gets resolved, we can't get back together. He's willing to put in the work - which he's been doing for the past couple of months. He's supportive of my own development and he is also learning from my development (as much as I'm learning from his). No one is begging anyone. We're working together to make something out of our lives and we deeply respect one another and care for each other. If we end up together, all the better. That's another reward (aside from changing our patterns and learning about ourselves).

 

The second chance is presenting itself because of the work we're putting in. The more we put in the more we get out of it. It's very simple.

 

And if you think I'm a clingy, pushy, pressuring type of person who is calling him and every conversation begging for a second chance and calling him because I want to get back with him - you're wrong. I'm calling him because I want to hear him and because I care about him. I'm keeping him in my life because he's an incredible, honest individual and it's very rare to meet someone with whom you have such a connection. He knows this and I know it.

 

IMO, I think you're just jaded because your previous attempts didn't work out. Yes, sometimes it doesn't work. But you have to have the benefit of the doubt that in certain situations, it is very much possible.

 

Re: answers above

[HeavenOrHell]

Some relationships are worth fighting for, but only some, not all by any means. If it becomes clear in time that my ex doesn't think it is worth fighting for I still won't regret having this contact with him, I don't know unless I try.

 

 

 

To me, things in life require investment. Investments have costs and rewards. It simply is a bad investment to pawn after an ex (from my past experience). The risk/reward ratio is horrible. Sure, some people DO get back and it works. People also win the lottery. Would you spend every waking moment trying to win it?

[DenverBachelor]

Some relationships are worth fighting for, but only some, not all by any means. If it becomes clear in time that my ex doesn't think it is worth fighting for I still won't regret having this contact with him, I don't know unless I try.

 

Different strokes for different folks. I learned long ago that when the pain is greatest, that after I let go completely that pain becomes a strength and I become a much better person.

 

Sometimes we go through the hardest experiences in life solely to eventually have a contrast in which to compare the best ones. If we dwell on the pain, it remains a weakness. Once we smile and let go, it becomes a source of strength.