Not feeling hopeful today.

[sunflower89]

Good for you. Guy sounds like a waste of time and you've done the right thing. Now, you have to stick to it.

[Lucky_One]

Bottom line to EVERY relationship EVER.

 

Never get or stay involved with an active alcoholic.

[brown_cow_eyez]

It sucks .. lol

I've been through this before and Im starting to wonder if maybe its a circle for some women.. To find abusive controling men. I hate caring about someone only to realize that he used me. I'm positive he did. He isn't the least bit bothered that I was hurt, or that the issues I brought up were important to me. Maybe he could've been the one if he was willing to listen and consider me. This morning completely sucks! Part of me wants to run back..but to what? He'd make me beg. I guess I need to remember that I'm better than that. Better than being called the names he calls me, I deserve someone who is going to trust me and not push me away constantly. lol and maybe someone closer to me.

[carvidep]

Way to go chica! Like KikiW said, delete all of his contact info, and even go so far as to block him on msn etc so he can't contact you at all, and go concentrate on YOU!

 

We're all proud of you, and I hope you are too! You are way better than him and you'll find someone who will treat you like a princess!

[bettedaviseyes]

This guy has anger issues. Fighting constantly wasn't a good sign at first. I'm learning the hard way.

Just try to stay strong and clear your memory of this guy, he doesn't deserve someone like you, you deserve much better.

You're not alone with this.

[hoping2heal]

This morning completely sucks! Part of me wants to run back..but to what? He'd make me beg. QUOTE]

 

 

Yes, exactly run back to WHAT. Put aside wether or not he would make you beg, in fact I don't doubt that within a week or two it's he who comes begging back TO YOU. Once agian ask yourself, you go back, but what are you going back too? Everytime it will be name calling, be litting, invalidating your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Going back won't change him or the situation, it won't make it better. As the most wise person I know says : Words are nothing, I need to see actions.

 

You're vulnerable, especially vulnerable now that someone has reduced your self esteem to almost non existent, so please think long and hard about WHAT you'd go back to when he does come crawling, trying to act like your loverboy gentlemen caller.

[Mei Mei]

My ex-hus is having a very similiar character with this man you are describing. He is abusive, provocative, impulsive, self-centre, rude and irresponsible. Underlying he has addictive behaviours and is hauntedly insecure. Being with him had caused a whole life suffering, so widespread that it had extended to kids and other familiy members. The social life was dehabilitated too. You are lucky to have opinions from these people so you will not step to real touch, hopefully. I am glad that i have excaped and find the real love again:bunny:

[Mei Mei]

Dear brown_cow_eyez;

 

I hope you will be more lucky than me. In fact, I have checked from DSM4 that this type of men is suffering from both borderline and narcisstic personality disorders.

[Island Girl]

Hello brown_cow_eyez

 

You have been on my mind today.

That comment you made about it being a "circle" for some women is well documented. And I am hoping this is the last of this pattern for you.

 

For whatever reason some women seek validation elsewhere instead of within themselves. And a lot of those women seek to prove themselves "worthy" to men. They get sucked in by abusive men because their self esteem is damaged. And they get so much benefit - initially - from this man being wonderful. When things go south and he starts finding fault it is easy for them to see truth in those comments and think if they just adapt to what he wants then everything will be fine again -- but it isn't. It never is.

 

They are accepting of their partners faults and excuse the terrible behavior away. And for whatever reason they don't demand the same in return.

 

It is up to you to figure out why you do not have set boundaries about how you will be treated. By that I mean basic respect and common courtesy boundaries that if crossed cause you to reevaluate the relationship and if it has run its course at that point.

 

Why do you think weathering damaging storms is okay or something that shows dedication and loyalty? I am not talking about disagreements or anything that someone endures when a relationship goes through trouble.

I am talking about very clear abuse.

 

There are certain things that are NEVER acceptable. This man has doled out many of those. There is no reason at all why he should be given a moment of your valuable time.

 

And yes your time IS valuable. You are given just so much time on this planet. And you as a unique and wonderful person could be sharing that time with friends and family who know you and love you.

Your children would benefit from those moments of time that you have up to now wasted even reading one of his abusive text messages or pleading with this stubborn abusive jackass to give just a little - like sending pictures or getting a web cam.

And you would get so much back.

 

You could treat yourself to a bubble bath - a rare treat I'm sure - instead of listening to any guy laugh at you or not take you seriously.

 

Maybe this is not making any sense to you. But I hope it is.

 

I love my husband and we have been through some issues - believe me. I know he loves me as well and we are dedicated to the relationship. There is no doubt about that.

But even though we are married we both know we do not HAVE to stay in the relationship. Each of us CHOOSES to be in it.

We do not take that for granted. We each have our moody times, etc.

But there is a level of respect on each side that is not crossed. I have no doubt that if I became abusive to him that he'd walk. And he knows I would too.

 

My wish for you is that you will understand that no man or relationship is worth sacrificing yourself for. It doesn't matter if you have spent one month in it or 10 years in it. When a man becomes abusive to you then you need to have a clear understanding of that and walk.

 

These things start on a smaller scale. There is always a pattern and it will get worse and worse.

 

I am glad you put your foot down finally. I am sad to see it was put as a "time out" instead of a permanent break up.

I am hopeful that maybe that was just a different word choice though.

 

The next move for an abuser is to come back with kindness. He has lost his grip on you and he knows that the strong arm tactics won't work. He hooked with sweetness before so he will try to coax you back in with what you crave. It is these same things that he withholds from you and that keeps you chasing to get them again. Giving and removing these things from the relationship is how he manipulates and controls you.

 

Please take the time to work on yourself and do not even entertain the thought of continuing this.

Expect that there are going to be painful days where you have thoughts of going back. It is your side of this horrible cycle of abuse. It is a pattern. You must break it and get past it.

 

I wish you strength, perseverance, and the knowledge that you deserve to be cherished and adored faults and all. And that you will not settle for less than that.

[Island Girl]

Mei Mei you are so incredibly sweet. I am glad you found your way here. I wish you the best of everything.

[brown_cow_eyez]

This happened once before.We broke up and I started dating a very nice man, he had a few hidden secrets but all and all he was a nice person. So I date M for about a month and then K comes back making promises "I promise Ill get a job and I will be there to see you soon." " I love you and dont want to lose you, you KNOW no man will every make you feel l ike I do." I was very persitant in saying no until I finally said " I love k so why not give it another try." He didnt follow through with any of those promises in fact he became more distant the I love yous stopped so did all the other perks that came along with being with him. Anyway that aside I think that I was the only one giving he was an emotional drainer so to speak. Talking with you guys opened my eyes a little bit. That night he got mad because I asked what he fixed for dinner. He said something like red beans and rice yata yata.. I responded with "I dont think Id eat anything youre cooking" he got mad and started rambling about me being negative.lol there wasnt anything negative in that line. so I said "I could tell you Id eat it but that would be a lie" Which further pissed him off.

I realized how can I be with someone I cant even have a normal convo about what he is having for dinner without being called a negative b!tch?

I know it hurts.. it hurts a lot. It's pretty freakin lonely actually. I know that it will get better though and right now he is more of an emotional crutch of sorts.. my safety net. The sooner I accept the fact that he wasn't the person I thought he was or the person he pretended to be in the beginning of our relationship I'm sure the days and nights will get easier. There is this feeling of betrayal I am having right now. Like I was used, because he knew what I wanted but he kind of held me at arm length to get the things he wanted. (steamy phonecalls, pics, video..etc) Maybe he did love me just he has some issues with that and him being an alcholic had a lot to do with his problems but.. He wasnt ready for any kind of relationship because he was uncomprimising and everything had to be his way, he couldnt accept my problems or take them seriously. I did want a break, but after the other night when I voiced my problems and he basically laughed at them then started a problem over something as simple as his dinner I think its best for the both of us to move on. Painful though..

[brown_cow_eyez]

Mei Mei, I know what youre talking about I was married to a very controling man too (which is why I commented on my finding abusive relationships being a continuous circle) I don't ever want to be in that situation again. I guess I got wrapped up in the thought " K loves me but he has his own way of loving me, Even if sometimes it hurts" Im learning. The people on here do help a lot. I wasnt listening to the people who do love me so I guess it took outsiders to give their opinions and open my eyes a little more.

[Mei Mei]

Dear Island Girl,

 

You are very awesome. I respect you down to my heart deep.You are so inner driven in your choice and your will in upkeeping your perseverace and commitment to this lasting LDR. Your sharings is so wholeheartedly. Many members here such as me, do really learn and benefit alot and trust that LDR can be promising when both sides are reciprocal and committed with equal strength!I wish you a forever fulfilling love :love:

[Mei Mei]

Dear brown_cow_eyez,

 

Committing to people with personality issues is never rewarding. I think there is hardly good prospect to reverse the circumstances. Clinincal psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers alike are making their lively contributions, but researches tell that they still find it so tough to make positive move on them! So, dear please leave the histornic chase to start a more rewarding new life!

[Mei Mei]

Dear Island Girl,

 

You are very awesome. I respect you down to my heart deep.You are so inner driven in your choice and your will in upkeeping your perseverace and commitment to this lasting LDR. Your sharings is so wholeheartedly. Many members here such as me, do really learn and benefit alot and trust that LDR can be promising when both sides are reciprocal and committed with equal strength!I wish you a forever fulfilling love :love:

[KikiW]

I guess I got wrapped up in the thought " K loves me but he has his own way of loving me, Even if sometimes it hurts"

 

This jumped out at me.

 

I've heard this EXACT phrase before. From a woman who was describing her father, who molested her repeatedly as a child.

 

If he truly loved you, he would never think to treat you like he has. It would never occur to him to speak to you like he has. Calling names? Keeping you at arms length?

 

"You'll never find another guy who loves you like I do.' - AND I HOPE YOU NEVER DO AGAIN, because if that's what love is like, you should RUN RUN RUN SCREAMING from it.

[brown_cow_eyez]

I failed my no contact rule last night and called him.. Sad part is I didnt want to talk to him I just wanted to listen to his voicemail. I am so upset at myself. I guess I should try and explain. I called at about 3am(12am in California) not expecting an answer just voicemail where I would listen and hang up.(hanging on?) Anyway, He picked up, I expected the "hey..what do you want" then him to hang up. Instead I had to listen to his friend, him and some chick have a convo about how I wont stop calling him. (Not true since I think I may have called twice in 3 days) "She isnt going to stop calling me especially if I let some other chick answer the phone" friend responds , girl laughs "I havent given her a reason to call, if someone else answered she wouldnt keep calling" I feel so humiliated. Like a fool. I keep thinking though that thats exactly what I needed and even though it hurts to be talked about the way he was doing and laughed at because I cared that it completely did for me what needed to be done.I wasted a year of my life on some guy who wasnt concerned with anyones feelings or time but his own.

Good news is that it pushed me to make sure there is no way he can contact me. I canceled my myspace account and started over fresh, made a new messenger accounts so he couldnt contact me that way either (there wont be history on it either) I just feel so stupid this morning because I called and got treated like trash he couldnt get rid of.

[Spirit of the Ocean]

Aww brown_eyes, I know what it's like to do something and immediately regret it. His being so nasty about you with his friends was probably cos his ego has just been dealt a blow cos you've told him you're not going to take his crap anymore.

 

I know it was horrible to hear this person who you thought was your best friend treat you this way now, but maybe this was that final thing that needed to happen to really put an end to it. It's never easy letting go, we always tend to hold on to something that was I think. But I think you're being really strong cutting him out of your life altogether. You don't deserve to be treated like crap by anyone and you shouldn't take it. It was his loss anyway.

[brown_cow_eyez]

Aww brown_eyes, I know what it's like to do something and immediately regret it. His being so nasty about you with his friends was probably cos his ego has just been dealt a blow cos you've told him you're not going to take his crap anymore.

 

I know it was horrible to hear this person who you thought was your best friend treat you this way now, but maybe this was that final thing that needed to happen to really put an end to it. It's never easy letting go, we always tend to hold on to something that was I think. But I think you're being really strong cutting him out of your life altogether. You don't deserve to be treated like crap by anyone and you shouldn't take it. It was his loss anyway.

I duno why it quoted you but oh well..lol

It sucks..terribly to realize that me sticking up for him, and letting go of so many great people that came into my life for him was a waste because they were right.You realize how many friends you have too..I called my best friend crying last night and she went right to talking about how much she hated him to make me feel better. I still feel stupid even talking about the way I felt last night/this morning.

[KikiW]

Ugh, what a horrible experience, but at least now you have irrefutable proof he is nothing but a complete slime. Even if he begged on his knees there would be absolutely no excuse for treating you that way.

 

Hopefully you won't feel any hesitation to wash your hands clean if this disgusting excuse for a human being, and will find someone who treats you with respect.

 

Demand respect, honey, you deserve nothing less in life!

[brown_cow_eyez]

It was absolutely horrible. Yea I seen his true colors and I didn't like what I saw. It hurt but its going to make me stronger. I learned a lot. I'm still hurt and upset but it will get better. His loss, because I had a lot to give.

[Tizzy]

"lol someone feel free to agree,disagree,tell me Im not alone or just comment.. whatever. "

 

I don't think anything you wrote is a laughing matter. I read this whole thread and it is very sad. You are "in love" with a complete jerk whom you've never met and who has never shown you any real respect. What about him made you "fall in love" with him? To me, this whole thread shows that you need to look inward and understand what has attracted you so much to a guy like this in the first place. Being attracted to such a blatant dirtbag speaks to a vulnerable, missing part of yourself. Nothing you wrote about your "relationship" sounds even remotely healthy or happy. It is beyond toxic, even if it is LDR. Try to start distancing yourself from this guy, and like I offered before, try to find out what it is going on inside of your head that would make you think that something like this should be acceptable. I wish you the best of luck.

[hoping2heal]

I agree that it probably was for the best, because this DID allow you to see his true colors, without allowing you to be in denial. It's sad that you were treated that way, but good for you because you will no longer make excuses for him or hang onto a man who doesn't care about you.

[brown_cow_eyez]

No it wasnt healthy in the least little bit. I think maybe I thought he was safe because he was so far away. Im not sure if that makes any sense to anyone but I felt so insecure about dating someone so close I thought that it would hurt less if things didnt work out because he was so far away. He reads this thread. My sister informed him of the site to show him that it wasnt her fault things ended when he sent her a message. He called me the other night and thats really the 1st contact I've had with him..I listened to the things he was saying to me and I felt disgust that I let him treat me the way he did.. that I actually allowed him to get away with it and still found him acceptable. So we hung up (he or I .. im not sure) and I immediately called this really kind guy that Ive been talking to so he could make my annoyance go away. Figured that I would give everyone the update.. Im happier than Ive been in a long time. I can do the things I want without harsh judgement and I get to spend more time with my kids.

[hoping2heal]

Glad to hear it brown cow . At least you got out.