Apart and shaken

[LisaUk]

Thanks for your heart felt words Lupa, they help a lot.

 

You're right he did walk out, for whatever reason, whether it be because of the reasons he gave or because he has commitment problems, who knows? I don't think he even does. What I know, is it doesn't matter, not to me anymore anyway. Something in me has changed over the last couple of days, i don't know what it is yet, I can't quite put my finger on it......

 

I just looked through some photos of him, us, our life and you know what, I didn't have the same feeling when I saw his picture. Sure I felt hurt (betrayed), but it was moving towards nostalgia. Something is definately different, I'm not sure how or how it has changed yet, I'll figure it I guess. I know now, I need to look forward and I think I am starting to.

[lupa]

Heh...if you could look through pictures, you're better off than I am. I have them all in a basket in the spare bedroom, and I will probably never look at them again. It would hurt too much.

 

See? You're strong! ...and getting stronger.

[WTFO]

Heh...if you could look through pictures, you're better off than I am. I have them all in a basket in the spare bedroom, and I will probably never look at them again. It would hurt too much.

 

See? You're strong! ...and getting stronger.

 

It's funny you brought up pictures. I made the stbxw a collage About our movie when we were dating(also the theme song for our 1st dance @ the wedding)..Well I put that frame and a couple of other 8x10s next to the garbage in the kitchen to go out. She told me she was having a good day until she saw this and told me she wants to keep them. she said they were a gift and wants to keep them. WHY?? She is so in love with this OM had sex with him the whole 9. I'm trying to move on by doing this and she keeps em? Any thoughts. Sorry for the hijack. =)

[lupa]

Get rid of them.

 

We need to start being our own people again.

 

Get rid of them.

 

i may not be able to throw them out on my own, but you can be damned sure they aren't going to stay on my walls. They might not even go up if she and I try counseling or 'dating' again. They would only appear after months of real effort to make things better.

 

I'm not pitching mine yet, but I certainly am not going through them, and I think for you, well, it sounds like you should get them out of the house.

 

Maybe put them away in the attic? Box them up? Have a friend come by so you don't have to deal with it?

 

Just don't f*cking keep them because SHE asked you to. Keep them because YOU want to, and even then, keep them out of sight and out of mind.

[LisaUk]

It's funny you brought up pictures. I made the stbxw a collage About our movie when we were dating(also the theme song for our 1st dance @ the wedding)..Well I put that frame and a couple of other 8x10s next to the garbage in the kitchen to go out. She told me she was having a good day until she saw this and told me she wants to keep them. she said they were a gift and wants to keep them. WHY?? She is so in love with this OM had sex with him the whole 9. I'm trying to move on by doing this and she keeps em? Any thoughts. Sorry for the hijack. =)

 

 

God only knows! Your ex sounds like a wonderful women (that's British sarcasm by the way)!

[LisaUk]

Heh...if you could look through pictures, you're better off than I am. I have them all in a basket in the spare bedroom, and I will probably never look at them again. It would hurt too much.

 

See? You're strong! ...and getting stronger.

 

They are all on my computer mainly, copied from his before I left. Freaky thing is, there are pictures of motorbikes for sale (you know my story, one of the reasons he gave is because I didn't want him to have a bike again after he had an accident, not that I would have ever stopped him, I didn't realise it was a big issue,) very secretive. Mid life crisis or what!

 

Anyway, it was weird because I used to think he was really hot, but looking at him now I'm like "what was I thinking!"

 

I just didn't feel the same about him, when the first picture came up on the screen it was like being hit, but hit with a feeling of betrayal and distaste. Looking through the rest, I just didn't feel connected to him anymore, detached in some way.

 

In one way it's a relief from the longing I have been feeling, but at the same time, it makes me feel sad. Sad that I now don't feel the same sort of love, connection, devotion, happiness. I will admit I had a bit of a cry afterwards, but because of this sadness that I don't feel the same, rather than sadness that he has gone. Does that make sense? I just hate that he has made it come to this.

 

There is still a chance for you and your wife Lupa, don't lose sight of that, and when the time comes those pictures will adorn your home again.

[lupa]

I don't see that chance anymore. I can hope it is there, but I don't see it.

 

This vacation will be the real test. I'm sure I'll have spare time, so be prepared to hear from me constantly...lol. As if I could post more.

[lupa]

Ho boy...

 

Wife's friend just called at work (from her work). Looks like they aren't exactly on "speaking" terms right now, because the friend explained to my wife a lot of things she and I talked about. Now my wife is pissed at her for "taking my side."

 

This poor woman is holding on to so much hurt and anger that she is even lashing out at her best friend now.

 

The friend said she was going to try to talk to my wife again, and I made her swear, SWEAR, that this conversation today never happened between us. I do not want to be in the middle of this, I don't want anyone thinking I'm causing this.

 

Evidently the thing that set the wifey off was when the friend said something to her when they were out...something like, "After talking to him, and hearing what he is saying, i think he is really being genuine and, hell, I'd give him a second chance."

 

My wife's default position in all of this is to go in defense-mode. Unreal. She is chasing me away.

 

I told the friend on the phone that I cannot keep this up much longer. I can only hold on so long and maintain any sanity. I hope we can work it out, but I'm getting to the 'done trying' phase.

 

Like I said, I told my wife I don't care anymore when she comes and goes to the house, who she is with...anything. I just don't have that kind of emotional capital left to spend on her.

 

It is like that dim, gray light that the world takes on just before dawn...where you can start to make out the trees, the ones closest at first, and as the seconds hurry past while it all takes an eternity, the forest takes shape. Morning is still a long way off, there is no doubt, and sunrise is still way behind the furthest hills, but the light is coming back, midnight is gone, the stillness has subsided.

 

What I'm saying is, I fought this day for as long as I could, because when I finally let go, I'm not real sure I want to ever take her back. It breaks my heart in a different way now, because what we had could have been so beautiful...we both just let it die.

 

Gah...why isn't there a manual that the state makes you read, and pass tests on, before issuing a marriage license? Besides the obvious encroachment on personal freedom, I mean.

 

I just wish I knew all this stuff before.

 

Her friend had to take a work call, and said she'd be calling me back. In the meantime, I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my absolutely destroyed work world, because I have neglected it over the past two months. I've kept the important things barely treading water, and now I have to see if i can salvage some of the others.

 

Keep the faith, folks, keep the faith.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why dont you just let her go. She already broke your heart when she left you the first time.

 

Why would you want her back? Isnt she with somone else. let's be clear on the situation.

 

Where do you stand, what do you want?

[lupa]

I don't think she is with someone...I think she made more out of the emotional affair than was there. This is from people around who know us all, who have been watching, and from the things she has said (and some snooping I did).

 

As for wanting her back...I am saying now that I'm ready to let go. I didn't want to, because that is a long time of my life that we spent together, and a lot of it was good. I'm saying I'm now at the door, and I'm about to walk away from it all, I just haven't taken that first (and final) step.

 

It is sad to do so, but I think that is what has to happen next.

 

I really was fond of her...

[LisaUk]

Lupa, you have a fantastic and poetic expression with words, you clearly have the ability to communicate. Just one point and I can't stress this enough, BOTH OF YOU DID NOT LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP DIE. You were unaware of her feelings and she didn't tell you, you did nothing intentionally to cause her pain or anger. SHE BAILED. She walked out without trying to fix things. You are not responsible for her actions. You have realiised you did stuff wrong, but she did not communicate this to you. A marriage takes work, that work is only possible if you work together, by not expressing herself to you she made the work needed impossible for you.

 

I do believe there is still a chance here, but it is now up to your wife to decide if she has the capacity to get through this. You have done all you can.

[hopesndreams]

Her friend had to take a work call, and said she'd be calling me back.

 

Involving friends as a go between is desperation right? Keep pushing her further away from you by doing this.

[lupa]

She was calling me...and the wife is pushing her away, too.

 

Like I said, I'm about to quit this. Too bad.

 

I'm feeling that sense of loss...but I have to pull the trigger.

[LisaUk]

She was calling me...and the wife is pushing her away, too.

 

Like I said, I'm about to quit this. Too bad.

 

I'm feeling that sense of loss...but I have to pull the trigger.

 

If you are certain that you definately do not want this women in your life anymore, ever. Never see her again, you've really thought about it, day to day, and your head is clear, completely clear, then you must do what you feel best.

[tojaz]

Don't know, but I always thought it sounded cool.

 

Also -- if we could pm...I have a couple of thoughts for you, not the least of which is you can't use your conscious mind to "turn off" the pain and hurt -- or at least I can't. You can't "will" yourself better, but you most certainly can will yourself to take a first step.

 

Tojaz was actually the brand of calculator I had on my desk when I signed up for my first E-mail account in high school. I thought it sounded cool and it's always available.

 

I have Yahoo messanger if you'd like to IM me, my ID is Tojaz87. I think you'll need to be on the site longer before you have access to the PM. If you don't have messanger, let me know. I have an E-mail addy I don't mind sharing with the world. I'd like to hear what you have to say.

TOJAZ

[TrustInYourself]

Save some emotional capital for yourself. It doesn't have to be about her all the time.

 

If there was a time to be selfish, now is the time. Do what you want, when you want, how you want.

 

Do not let her decisions destroy who you are and what you want.

[lupa]

If you are certain that you definately do not want this women in your life anymore, ever. Never see her again, you've really thought about it, day to day, and your head is clear, completely clear, then you must do what you feel best.

We were supposed to talk tonight about the plans for the week that I'm gone (cats, plants, mail) to verify that I took care of canceling the kennel, as well as talk about some bills that are due. I'm not calling her. If she wants to talk, fine, I'll answer, but I'm just going to assume that the cats are cared for. They can live a day or two outside on their own anyway if she doesn't call me, then I'll call a buddy and give him the garage code.

 

Tojaz was actually the brand of calculator I had on my desk when I signed up for my first E-mail account in high school. I thought it sounded cool and it's always available.

 

I have Yahoo messanger if you'd like to IM me, my ID is Tojaz87. I think you'll need to be on the site longer before you have access to the PM. If you don't have messanger, let me know. I have an E-mail addy I don't mind sharing with the world. I'd like to hear what you have to say.

TOJAZ

Don't have any IM program at all. You could post your email...if you want.

 

Save some emotional capital for yourself. It doesn't have to be about her all the time.

 

If there was a time to be selfish, now is the time. Do what you want, when you want, how you want.

 

Do not let her decisions destroy who you are and what you want.

I know you've been saying that to me since the get-go...but I don't think I was in any position to understand what you meant. It is really difficult to pass on wisdom. Lessons, yes, skills, yes. Wisdom, on the other hand, is a tough one.

 

I just talked to my sister for like an hour, and I told her the hardest part is feeling like I'm breaking the oath I took that day when I said "I do." I feel like walking away from this is breaking my oath. She immediately said that I'm not the one walking away, and that I have no other choice.

 

I think she is right.

 

I fought the good fight, I didn't go quietly into that night. I tried all the wrong things first, I've tried what everyone here has been saying...I am trying to be a better man.

 

So...I can now walk away, because that oath was broken for me, it was broken by her.

 

Symbolically I wish there were something I could do...I think I might leave my wedding band at home while I'm gone.

 

...or maybe I'll use it to pick up chicks. I heard they sometimes like that, ha.

 

I don't know. I think symbolism is overrated anyway. I think I'm just going to finish packing, clean up this office a little, organize the laundry room, pay some bills, and get the hell out. Everything I care about is locked up (Grandma's old honey pot is still sitting out, and if that woman does anything to it, I won't stop at burying her in the divorce, no sir)...so almost everything I care about is locked up.

 

I feel like I'm doing one last check around the hotel room before I go to turn in my room key. Feels like I'm leaving something...oh yeah...my dead marriage.

 

I'll make sure to turn out the lights as I go.

[tojaz]

[email protected]

[lupa]

I just went around the house with my camera and took pictures of everything as it is. Just in case some crazy sh*t goes down while I'm gone. I at least have the "before" pics.

 

Don't think I'll need them, but I have to decide if I'm taking the camera with me or not. I think I'll just bury it in the footlocker with my other stuff that I don't want to lose.

 

It is true...each day I miss "her" less. Now I need to get over missing "us," but it doesn't hurt that I've realized "us" hasn't been a real thing for a while.

 

Too bad.

 

Think of 23 yr old cutie...think of 23 yr old cutie.

 

heh heh heh. Niiiiice.

[seibert253]

I just went around the house with my camera and took pictures of everything as it is. Just in case some crazy sh*t goes down while I'm gone. I at least have the "before" pics.

 

Don't think I'll need them, but I have to decide if I'm taking the camera with me or not. I think I'll just bury it in the footlocker with my other stuff that I don't want to lose.

 

It is true...each day I miss "her" less. Now I need to get over missing "us," but it doesn't hurt that I've realized "us" hasn't been a real thing for a while.

 

Too bad.

 

Think of 23 yr old cutie...think of 23 yr old cutie.

 

heh heh heh. Niiiiice.

 

Very smart move. Video is even better. Video and stills are the best.

[LisaUk]

Hi Lupa, there is a really helpful post by PWXS3 on page 3 of my thread, that talks about the vows you made and God. Hope it helps you. Will you be posting whilst you are away?

[lupa]

I'll be checking in periodically, but not a lot.

 

Holy crap traveling really set me back. I had no idea how much the most mundane experience would smash me in the face, hard.

 

We spoke yesterday for a little bit...she said that dinner on monday was "awful". I said that I didn't think it was good, but that it was necessary. I said, we have to work through some issues, a lot of issues, that way we can know that we tried all we could before giving up. I said to her if it ends, I want it to end because there is nothing left, and I'd be ok with that.

 

Silence.

 

I really think this woman is so f'ed up in the head, and well, I just need to calm down a bit and exercise real patience. I'm going to take a couple days off from any concern for what she is up to.

 

This may sound stupid, but the 4th of July has always been a big holiday for my family, and this weekend already sucks. We should be together now...but the whole thing has exploded. Anyway, I'm having some fun with my buddy, and last night I tried to drink all of the alcohol in the world...can't be done by the way. That's what this weekend is...get hammered, no worries, chill out. I'm not going to let my brain get in the way of my fun week. We'll deal with the other stuff later.

 

I think my long term plan is to see if she and I can spend a little time together...more dinners, or something...and talk about a single issue at a time. If we can't do it, then I'm going to suggest that we call it quits. If we can, maybe we can see if we can be friends again, before we talk about finding a marriage counselor. This one month timeline is not going to be enough.

 

I'm not going to propose this until I get back, which is still 8 days away. I also am not, will not, certainly not, going to contact her in any way other than on strictly business matters for a few days.

 

I think there is a happy medium between "no contact" and too much contact, and I think my personal 180 involves no pressure and minimal interaction of big relationship issues, but also high level, superficial conversation where I'm the old me. Make sense? I'm not going to call today or ask what she's doing for the 4th, but if I have a question about something at home, I'm going to call, talk, and get out...and I'm going to be completely happy while doing it.

 

(I'll cry into the pillow later).

[tojaz]

Sounds good Lupa, You've really got it all mapped out. Have a good fourth and save some booze for me.

TOJAZ

[lupa]

Sounds good Lupa, You've really got it all mapped out. Have a good fourth and save some booze for me.

TOJAZ

I may have it mapped out, but it is real hard to keep this thing on track. I'm going to want to call her later, you know, I know, and hell, she probably knows it. That's why no contact isn't going to work for me, I'm not that tough. But what I can do is affect certain changes in myself...not fighting, not disagreeing (unless it is about my family), being much more upbeat and less "serious" and certainly, if there is a relationship thing I personally just HAVE to talk about, I won't push her in any way unless she offers.

 

In our phone call yesterday, it is like we can talk and get a long, and I get this feeling from her that she hasn't checked out entirely, but she is doing the "out of sight out of mind" thing with our life together. Part of me wants to put it front and center, and figure out a way to get closure.

 

So...I guess I'm asking, if she is putting us out of sight and out of mind, because that is easier than dealing with the real issues...will she ever want to address it, or do I have to be the one (slowly, subtly, and over time) to bring this back into focus?

[tojaz]

You can't influence her in any way, remember that. If you push, coax, suggest, regardless of how subtle, it won't change anything in her. She needs to decide for herself. You interfering in anyway, is just you not giving her what she needs right now, space. Don't do what I did, I asked the same question to myself. I tried to be subtle, I tried to go slow. Everytime she ran. Let her move at her own pace and get ready for either possible outcome. It's all you can do.

TOJAZ