SadHatter Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Hi, I'm really confused by a girl who I have been out with a few times. I met her on the first day of work, we both started new jobs at the same company but in different departments so we met for our first day "training". She then began e-mailing me at work quite a bit, which was nice...my new colleagues kept joking and saying how she obviously "fancied me". She asked me to her house on Xmas Eve for a party, but I couldn't make it. But we kept in touch and I invited her to a party a few weeks later and she came and we had a really good time. Anyway, we went out 3/4 times after that, just the two of us, for a drink etc. but I was finding her very confusing. Whenever I would suggest meeting up, she is ALWAYS busy to the point where every single weekend if you say, "hey...do you want to do something this weekend?" she will reply..."Hey...I have no free time this weekend, have xxx's birthday next weekend and am busy the weekend after...how about the weekend of 06/05" - its like she'll ask to see you 4 weeks down the line! It is really weird. Made me think.."hmmm...she can't like me that much or she wouldn't wait 4 weeks to see me". Anyway, the last time we went out, it kinda came to a head. I asked her if this was going anywhere and she said, "We're just friends. I think you're good looking and all but I'm not looking for a relationship. I don't fancy you, I don't feel like I want to kiss you, I just see you as a friend." I was a bit gutted (male pride, what's wrong with me etc. etc. the usual thoughts). Anyway, I was due to go on holiday for two weeks and the next day she sent me a text message and said, "let's meet up when you get back and see how things are." I was thinking, "you've just told me you're not into me...how are things going to be any different when I get back?!". She text me a couple of times whilst I was on holiday and then this week she mentioned meeting up. I said we could do (I didn't know if it was worth even bothering anymore) and asked her how she was fixed for the weekend. She said sorry she was busy and busy for the next 3 weekends (I've never known anyone who always has so much on every weekend as her, Friday, Saturday and Sunday!) and she said about going to the cinema this week. I don't know how to act tomorrow...is it a date or what? I think the whole thing is confusing, do I mention anything or just act like I don't care, don't act like it's a date at all? Is it even a date?! Thoughts please on how to act/what to do would be very much appreciated! Any suggestions anyone? I'm feeling really low right now...I'm usually really confident, but this past year, since my last girlfriend and I broke up from a long-term relationship, I don't seem to be having any luck with women! I'd like to think I am reasonably attractive, have a good sense of humour (everyone says I am funny) and have a nice personality. But every girl I meet lately just keeps giving it the old, "I only see you as a friend". I don't get it. It's been like this for like a year. Meanwhile, my ex is all happily involved in a relationship, all of my mates are settling down, feels like I am getting left behind. I just don't know what I am doing wrong. If it was just one woman, fair enough, but about the last 5/6 women I have been out for drinks with just say they "only see me as a friend." I look at the people they do fancy, and without meaning to sound arrogant, I don't get what they have that I don't. I work hard, have a good job, I have more to offer now than I ever have, yet I used to seem to be able to get women a lot more than I can now. I don't get it. I'm 26 by the way. Meh...I feel really fed up at the moment (doesn't help with going back to work after my lovely holiday!). Any help/advice would be welcome with regards to all of this. Thanks.
paddington bear Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 didn't you post this exact post previously...? Or am I going mad. The answer is of course, to act like yourself. And be warned...any time that I'm unsure whether it's been a date or not, it's turned out 'not' to be a date. Her being so 'busy' means that (sorry if this sounds harsh) that really she's not that bothered about whether she sees you one to one or not. Be warned, this 'date' could be, in her mind, a 'well, I guess I owe it to him to spend some time with him' type of thing, just a re-connect before she goes off again to do whatever she does on her weekends. If you're always getting friendzoned, look up some of the other posts regarding that. Flirt with her, don't be too eager to please, don't talk to her about her ex boyfriends, etc, basically don't act the way her female friends would act around her. She has enough female friends, she doesn't need another one in male form. If you go on this 'date' feeling utterly low and nervous, then you're not going to show yourself off in the best light, so try somehow to get your confidence up prior to meeting her.
lora22 Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Maybe she has a boyfriend? She sounds like an attention whore who gets all her validation from men she's not interested in wanting her. (Which would be why after saying she's not interested in your or attracted to you she asked you to hang out, saying "let's see how things are then"....that's how she draws you back in, don't fall for it). Approach this as a friend thing. She gave you all the info you needed when she: 1. said she wasn't interested in dating you, in a relationship with you, or attracted to you; and 2. can't make time to see you other than once a month or whatever it is.
WTRanger Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 How old is this girl, is she younger than you? She's probably still in her I want to meet as many people as possible stage in her life, so at any given point the most important guy to her is the one giving her the direct attention. She's a slut in a non-sexual way, and yes you can be an attention whore. What she told you boils down to this. She might be interested but she knows there is a higher chance that she'll meet someone more interesting. So for the time being, she doesn't want to lose the attention so she'll string you along. She should have just said, "Look, I'm going to meet 5,000 guys over the next 8 months. If none of them work out, well, then I guess you'll have to do."
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 If she said she's not into you, it's not a date. Do NOT act contrary to that at all until SHE takes the lead in another direction with something obvious like sticking her tongue down your throat.
Author SadHatter Posted May 28, 2009 Author Posted May 28, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. OK, well I decided not to go. I text her this morning and said, "It doesn't seem worth going tonight. Especially as you want to go home straight after the cinema. I think I'll give it a miss. All of it seems pretty pointless to me..." She replied with just, "OK". I left it. Later today she text me and said, "I don't think it is pointless at all. Text me if you want to go out for a drink sometime." I was like what the...?! So I replied and said, "it does seem pointless, nothing will be any different either from the last time we went out...you made it clear how you felt then..." and she replied, "I think we are getting our wires crossed...I thought you meant you didn't see the point in the cinema...well I am happy to be friends if you are" and then I replied, "it all seems really pointless, sorry, a friend I see like once every 5 weeks, and it isn't really what I am looking for either" and she replied, "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that"....no idea what she's on about lol... so I just text her back, "Well I hope things work out for you. Take care" and left it at that... So there you go...did I do the right thing? She's really confusing to be honest (well I think so)...I should have been at the cinema right now with her lol...
paddington bear Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys. OK, well I decided not to go. I text her this morning and said, "It doesn't seem worth going tonight. Especially as you want to go home straight after the cinema. I think I'll give it a miss. All of it seems pretty pointless to me..." She replied with just, "OK". I left it. Later today she text me and said, "I don't think it is pointless at all. Text me if you want to go out for a drink sometime." I was like what the...?! So I replied and said, "it does seem pointless, nothing will be any different either from the last time we went out...you made it clear how you felt then..." and she replied, "I think we are getting our wires crossed...I thought you meant you didn't see the point in the cinema...well I am happy to be friends if you are" and then I replied, "it all seems really pointless, sorry, a friend I see like once every 5 weeks, and it isn't really what I am looking for either" and she replied, "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree and leave it at that"....no idea what she's on about lol... so I just text her back, "Well I hope things work out for you. Take care" and left it at that... So there you go...did I do the right thing? She's really confusing to be honest (well I think so)...I should have been at the cinema right now with her lol... You did the right thing, look at what you've written which I've emboldened. Go for a drink...sometime, that's what friends do, hey yeah we must catch up sometime. She told you right out she's happy to be friends, if you are (but you're not and you told her straight up, so bravo! Honestly, at least you told her where you stand). I guess we'll have to agree to disagree means I think we can be friends even though you want more, I don't think going to the cinema with a male friend and then leaving immediately afterwards is pointless. But as you know yourself, it IS pointless for you, because you want more than friends. It's a bit crap that you're home now instead of out with a woman you like, however, look at it this way, you've just saved yourself months of wondering and waiting and heartache to come to this exact place where you're at now. The sooner you get over her and realise that this wasn't going anywhere, the sooner you can move on. It's tough I know, but keep your chin up, decide that you are worth more than just being a casual friend and seek out someone who isn't going to friendzone you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Um, no - not confusing at all looking in from outside. She wants a buddy - she doesn't understand that you aren't interested in that. LOL She's kinda dense, actually.
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