My husband, his colleague and I

[lillyrose]

Hello again, everyone...

 

Athena, I wish I had made this all up. I would give anything to make this thing just a fragment of my imagination. Maybe I am crazy.

 

Phoenix, you are right. Thank you for your insight.

 

I think I got comfortable with my life. Venturing on my own now seems an unthinkable thing to do. But there are many women like me, I just did not think I will end up a divorced woman.

 

Many things to think about, fears to conquer, shame to get over with-----

[taylor]

Lilly

 

Every woman has a choice to make about the kind of life she wants to live and you are no different. If you are chosing to stay with your husband without him making any changes within himself just be aware that you are chosing to accept his behavior. He will continue to cheat, he will continue to dominate your life.

 

If this is what you want, it seems to me that your solution is very simple. Withdraw the divorce as your husband has ordered you to and just continue to do whatever he says.

 

There is nothing you can do to make him stay faithful if he WANTS to cheat and there are no consequences for his cheating. You will just need to learn to accept things as they are.

 

There are NO "Keep Your Man" secrets that work if your man does not respect you and does not want to be faithful.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth, PhoenixRise. Best insight and advise anyone could give her.

[PhoenixRise]

Hello again, everyone...

 

Athena, I wish I had made this all up. I would give anything to make this thing just a fragment of my imagination. Maybe I am crazy.

 

Phoenix, you are right. Thank you for your insight.

 

I think I got comfortable with my life. Venturing on my own now seems an unthinkable thing to do. But there are many women like me, I just did not think I will end up a divorced woman.

 

Many things to think about, fears to conquer, shame to get over with-----

 

I get you being afraid of the unknown.

 

Lilly, at the end of the day you have to make decisions that will benefit your life. No one can tell you what to do.

 

I can tell you that doing the same thing over and over will always get you the same results.

[taylor]

My husband and I have been talking and he gave me an ultimatum to withdraw the divorce (I have until tomorrow to decide) or face the consequences of my "childish and immature over-reaction".

 

Your husband sounds like an old blow-hole. If he thinks YOUR behavior is childish and immature, what would he call HIS behavior?

 

Did he EVER express remorse for his past affairs?

 

Did he ever tell you he would work hard on the marriage by forsaking all others and recommitting to only you?

 

What consequences did he ever have to PAY for his bad behavior?

 

I have asked my husband if he is already seeing another woman and of course, he denied it. He said he went to a business lunch with someone in a restaurant near the hospital and some hospital staff saw them there. He told me that I should not listen to rumors, because if he was seeing another woman he would not take her to this very public place.

 

Who cares if he is seeing YET another OW. How many OW does he have to sleep with before you decide enough is enough? Is there a magic number. One would be enough for most people.

 

If you really want to know if he is cheating on you AGAIN, hire a PI. Do you really think he is going to tell you the truth. He has become a master of lies and deception. That's one "skill" of all serial cheaters.

 

Few nights ago, my friends took me out to a bar/restaurant and I got very drunk. I do not normally drink(they just wanted me to get out of the house and have some fun) and when they brought me home, my husband opened the door and he had the look of disgust on his face. Still, he took care of me and cleaned me up and put me to bed.

 

You are acting like a child and he is treating you like a child...or a pet.

 

 

 

Taylor, I wish I am as strong as you are. But I love my husband. I can't explain it. I just want to be with him.

 

Well, if you want to be with a man after he has put his penis in other women..if you want the used up penis...help yourself to the scraps.

 

Have you been checked for sexually-transmitted diseases? He could have easily passed one or two on to you from his sexual encounters with these other women? I would not even KISS him again until I knew he was "germ" free.

 

Lillyrose, I am not strong. I was weak and fell for the advances of another man.

 

But what I do have..and you need to find...is SELF-RESPECT. It's all the strength you need. I have worked over a year to regain it. Instead of looking for ways to "keep your man", look for ways to build your self-respect.

 

Once you find your self-respect, you will see him in a different light.

 

I want the life that I had before all these chaos.

 

I don't think it's possible to have that life back. He stole it from you. It's gone. Mourn it. Miss it. But don't be so naive that you will ever have that back. He destroyed it.

 

Take some time to reassess the life you had. What did you really have? A controlling, cheating husband. Is that really what you want? Is that what you want to keep fighting for?

[taylor]

Hello again, everyone...

 

Athena, I wish I had made this all up. I would give anything to make this thing just a fragment of my imagination. Maybe I am crazy.

 

Phoenix, you are right. Thank you for your insight.

 

I think I got comfortable with my life. Venturing on my own now seems an unthinkable thing to do. But there are many women like me, I just did not think I will end up a divorced woman.

 

Many things to think about, fears to conquer, shame to get over with-----

 

Of course you love your husband BUT ask yourself this question?

 

Does HE love you ENOUGH to stop cheating on you?

 

Does HE love you ENOUGH to treat you with respect, ie., treat you like an equal parter, be 100 percent faithful, consider what is in your best interests, invest in your happiness?

 

Is the REAL reason you want him back because of your undying love for the man...or because you are AFRAID to let him go..be alone..on your own?

 

Tough question. Search your heart.

 

I'll go out on a limb here and say the driving force behind your desire to hang on to him is FEAR rather than LOVE.

[Athena]

Lily, put a private investigator onto your husband. Firstly to see if he has had a child with that other woman, and secondly to see if he is still seeing her or someone else.

Then, he will stop trying to control you and give you ultimatums if you and he both know what he is really up to.

 

Will you do this?

Put a stop to the divorce -- you don't want to divorce him, and your H has asked you not to do this. If you wish to divorce him later, you can take it up again. First find out what he is really up to.

[taylor]

Lily, put a private investigator onto your husband. Firstly to see if he has had a child with that other woman, and secondly to see if he is still seeing her or someone else.

Then, he will stop trying to control you and give you ultimatums if you and he both know what he is really up to.

 

Will you do this?

Put a stop to the divorce -- you don't want to divorce him, and your H has asked you not to do this. If you wish to divorce him later, you can take it up again. First find out what he is really up to.

 

Again, I ask, how many times does a man have to cheat before a woman convinces herself that he is no good for her? What is the magic number?

 

If the OP finds out he is cheating again, what difference does it really make. He is already a serial cheater. What's one more?

[Athena]

Again, I ask, how many times does a man have to cheat before a woman convinces herself that he is no good for her? What is the magic number?

I think it must be 9

 

cuz my H is on 8...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'm sorry, but I will not mince words.... Stay with him and watch the cycle begin again. You stop the divorce and he will again have the ultimate control over you, like he always has had.

 

Go back to being the dutiful, wife and mother, since he no longer wants you near him, the office and places he can work his "magic".... Let him play his golf and continue to rule you and your life.

 

I will say it over and over, no 40 yo doctor, as successful and charismatic as you purport him to be, should have been with a 20 yo. What is done is dones, but take a good long look and decide what is best for you.

[utterer of lies]

...long story...

 

 

You should really ask yourself what you want.

 

If your 'stable' family life and your kid is more important to you than your husbands fidelity, maybe staying in the marriage is the right thing for you to do.

 

It seems unlikely to me that your husband will ever stop seeing other women, but as long as he gives you what you need, and you can be happy with what you get from him...( family, status, wealth, ... )

 

I know this is pretty different from what most people advice here, but you really have to make sure that you are happy. Don't let yourself be led by ideals, but by what you actually need for a fulfilling life.

[utterer of lies]

I will say it over and over, no 40 yo doctor, as successful and charismatic as you purport him to be, should have been with a 20 yo.

 

 

Did you ever think that maybe his dominance and status and the age difference is what attracted her to him in the first place?

[lkjh]

My point is that this H was bold enough to have OW calling his place of business. This is probaly not an uncommon experience for this H, not just with the particular OW and that particular incident. My point is his co-workers likely know about his serial cheating whether at the private practice or at the hospital.

 

AND based on what the OP posted the H is a serial cheater. Saying that she had an EA is just speculation.

 

But I am sure that when the H talks about the divorce to his friends and family the story HE will tell will be that OP had an affiar and that is why they are divorcing.

 

Not trying to even anything out. There is nothing to even out. Like I said in an eariler post.

 

OP got flowers

 

H got to be OW baby daddy

 

There is no way to make that even.

 

 

Ealrier you said that it was not lilly's fault that the OM sent her flowers but now its her H's fault that the OW called his work? That seems like a double standard.

 

Lilly, if your H cheated on you as much as you say you can't possibly expect this time to be any different. You should really think about what is best for you. If you want your H back then it is simple, withdraw the divorce. But you are right I do believe that you cheated, I' am sorry but the innocents you are playing at doesn't seem likely. Let me ask you this, why did everyone at your work think you were cheating?

[PhoenixRise]

Ealrier you said that it was not lilly's fault that the OM sent her flowers but now its her H's fault that the OW called his work? That seems like a double standard.

 

Lilly, if your H cheated on you as much as you say you can't possibly expect this time to be any different. You should really think about what is best for you. If you want your H back then it is simple, withdraw the divorce. But you are right I do believe that you cheated, I' am sorry but the innocents you are playing at doesn't seem likely. Let me ask you this, why did everyone at your work think you were cheating?

 

 

No double standard. It is not a big deal for a baby momma to call her baby daddy at work. They have a relationship. They have been sleeping together. They have to discuss the child they made together. I didn't say I blamed the H. I said he had his baby momma calling his place of business and it probaly was a regular occurance.

 

It is NOT Lilly's fault if some guy has a crush on her and sends her flowers.

 

If you want to continue to specualte that Lilly had and EA with the younger dr go ahead. It doesn't matter.

 

Lilly got flowers

 

Husband got to be a baby daddy.

[lkjh]

Pheonix, that is not what you said. You said the "h was bold enough to have her call". He never had her call and we still don't know if the lady had the baby. There is nothing in the original post that said this was a regular occurrence.

 

Don't get me wrong her H's PA's are far worse than her EA. I know some people think they are even but I don't. Physical is worst then non-physical. But that doesn't mean we have to make separate rules for each.

[PhoenixRise]

Pheonix, that is not what you said. You said the "h was bold enough to have her call". He never had her call and we still don't know if the lady had the baby. There is nothing in the original post that said this was a regular occurrence.

 

Don't get me wrong her H's PA's are far worse than her EA. I know some people think they are even but I don't. Physical is worst then non-physical. But that doesn't mean we have to make separate rules for each.

 

The whole point of my interaction with you is because you stated several things that from what the OP actually said there is no basis for.

 

You said she had a EA as if it were fact. The OP said the younger dr sent flowers to her workplace, that the younger dr mentioned it to her H and that SHE told her H as well.

 

You said she got emails and texts. THe OP said she and her H were at a party, the younger dr got drunk and said to the H "You know you don't deserve her" more than once. The first time he said it it was laughed off as a joke, then H got angry about it.

 

Then she got a text from younger dr expressing his feelings. She was shocked he felt that way as all of their previous interactions had been friendly only and that he had talked to her about girls he was dating but OP stated that she had NOT talked to him about her marriage or her troubles.

 

You also said that other people in the office didn't know about H affairs. OP said other people in the Office DID know and she was the last to know. I pointed out that the baby momma was calling the office to show that it IS probable that others in the office DID know.

 

As to me stating that the Husband was bold enough to have the baby momma call the office. YES h sounds very bold and arrogant and domineering. AND even though PERHAPS he didn't ask her to call on this occasion it doesn't change the fact that the baby momma DID call and it was probaly not the first OW to call and probaly not the only incident because OP stated that others in the office KNEW about his affairs.

 

It seems that we will have to agree to disagree on this point. You think that just because someone sent her flowers and an inappropriate text message she MUST have done SOMETHING to encourage this. I disagree.

[lillyrose]

Hello Everyone!

 

It has been a while since I posted. I just want to update you guys and also because I feel really, really lonely and lost tonight.

 

So, our divorce has chugged on. It is a very painful process. My husband has vacillated from being angry and being reconciling. When angry, he has threatened to take my daughter away from me or threatened to make my life a "living hell". When reconciling, he wants to take me to dinner ( with our daughter), he wants to "start over again and woo me back".

 

Sometimes I want to stop the divorce. Most of the times, I just want to get it over and done with. But the financial settlement is a bone of contention. All he wants to do is pay for child support. He has told me that since I am "ballsy" enough to leave the marriage, then I should be ballsy enough to buy my own house, to support myself. Well, I am, but my lawyer does not want me to be stupid. But I am tired.

 

My friends have encouraged me to go out. Some friends tell me to go start meet ing "people". They said it is the only way to get over a broken heart. Others tell me to wait and until the divorce is over. But I am very sad and broken. My H is already going out and not even secretive about it.

 

But these days, I find myself thinking more and more of the other doctor. You know like the "what ifs". What if I DID have an affair with him? Would he have stood by me? He has sent me a few emails wanting to know how I am doing-I have yet to respond to any of them. Do you guys think I should respond?

[boldjack]

Old saying: least said , soonest mended, applies here. You aren't out of one situation yet. Don't get into another, until the smoke has cleared and you are on your feet.

[imagine]

Respect your marriage while you are married.

 

I am concerned that association with the other doctor will become like a rebound. Grieve for your marriage. Make association with the other guy after divorce.

 

You do need support while your husband is trying to bluster through your divorce. Listen to your lawyer. It would help if you had a lady friend to speak to.

 

In the mean time, there is always us on the web.