taylor Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hello PhoenixRise! Thank you for your response. I do not really want a divorce. I want my husband back. I just do not know how to fix the situation. I filed the divorce to make him realize what he will be losing. I want him back so desperately. I love him so much. Yes, I was angry but who would not be? but I do not want to be without him. Why do you want a man back who has proven to you over and over again that he can't stay faithful. If he comes back to you and continues to cheat on you, do you REALLY HAVE him? You have every right to be angry. If this man wanted to F other women, he should have divorced you first rather than put you thru the humiliation and emotional torture that comes with multiple affairs. One day you will realize you are better off without him. Like another poster said, you are an RN. You have alot going for you. You have the means to support your child and he WILL have to pay child support..so you don't have to be concerned about financial well-bing like so many other women do who find themselves in a single parent situation. You are YOUNG. You can do so much with your life ahead of you. And there is a huge ocean out there swimming with young, available men looking for meaningful relationships...ones based on love, respect, trust and fidelity. Stop wasting your time with a man who doesn't know the meaning of those words. Time is precious. Don't throw it away.
taylor Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Great posts, Taylor. Thanks, Athena. Just calling them like I see them. I hope you are doing well today. (( )) to you!:)l
Athena Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Thanks, Athena. Just calling them like I see them. I hope you are doing well today. (( )) to you!:)l yes, I am fine today thank you!
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 I claimed it came down to the power and age imbalance and he has proven what a selfish, nasty person he is. The fact he has "found" a new girlfriend shows what little respect he has for you and the marriage if true. I hope you kicked him out and are in the marital home, that is very important that you remain at home. What you do next is quit wallowing in self doubt. If you want him back and want to go back to him cheating on you, controlling you, treating you as a second class citizen, be my guest, who am I to tell you otherwise. What you need to do is find the most powerful lawyer there is and make sure you get what is due. Your husband will be the one paying. Anyone who tells you that you need to find a job is wrong from the little I know. Only you know what is right and I wish you the best.....
Teslacoil Posted July 21, 2009 Posted July 21, 2009 Hello PhoenixRise! Thank you for your response. I do not really want a divorce. I want my husband back. I just do not know how to fix the situation. I filed the divorce to make him realize what he will be losing. I want him back so desperately. I love him so much. Yes, I was angry but who would not be? but I do not want to be without him. You may not want a divorce... but if your husband has already run off and begun another relationship, he's definitely demonstrating to you that he wants one. He's also demonstrating that he doesn't have any respect for you, and that he doesn't need you, and his own selfishness. If he wanted to maintain the relationship, he'd be working at mending things. Instead, his reaction to the divorce filing was to instantly cause you as much pain as possible. Those aren't the actions of someone who loves you. Those aren't the actions of even an angry person who loves you. I know you love your soon-to-be-ex-husband, and you have a family that is torn apart, and this is very hard for you. However, any marriage where only one person wants it is doomed to fail. It sounds like it will take you a long time to recover, but it is likely for the best. As an aside, I'm really disturbed by your tale of your husband at your parents' house. It makes it sound like you married a father-figure, not a husband. You need a husband, not another dad. Sorry you're hurting. I hope things get easier for you.
lkjh Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Taylor, I agree with you and everyone else that she should be happy that her H is gone. He did horrible things and is a bad H. But she wants him back, there will always be people that enjoy being the passive soft one in a relationship. I agree with you on that point. I disagree with you about this being a one sided affair. I think she was making it out to be innocent. I defiantly think she cheated too but her H did a lot more harmful things. I still think she avoided the lie detector test because she feared what would be revealed.
taylor Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Taylor, I agree with you and everyone else that she should be happy that her H is gone. He did horrible things and is a bad H. But she wants him back, there will always be people that enjoy being the passive soft one in a relationship. I agree with you on that point. Passive and soft are OK if you are in a relationship based on respect, trust, and love. Passive and soft are not OK if you are in a relationship where you are being hurt, disrespected, controlled, and lied to. Surely you would agree that a spouse being abused physically should not remain passive and soft. And even these kinds of "victims" often cling to their abuser...don't want to leave..and SAY they are happy. What advice would you give a "soft, passive" husband whose wife had sex with several other men and got pregnant by one of them? What if this "soft, passive" husband continued to say he loved his wife and desperately wanted her back? What would you say to him..honestly? Would you say, "Well, he wants her back. What he needs to do to win her back is own up to his EA with that younger woman"? That is, in essence, exactly what you are telling this woman to do. Most men would tell a "soft, passive" male BS to grow a pair and kick the tramp wife to the curb....that he deserves better. I think the same advice should be offered to this OP. Stop being so passive and soft...grow a backbone and kick the man-whore to the curb. He's a controlling, self-righteous serial cheater who has respect for no woman, let alone his trophy wife that he has, IMO, grown tired of. I still think she avoided the lie detector test because she feared what would be revealed. Or maybe she resents him for demanding she undergo a lie detector test when she did not demand the same of him. Why should SHE undergo one for her EA when he didn't undergo one for all of his PA's, including the one that produced a fetus. I still think her POSSIBLE EA is minor compared to the damage his serial cheating has done. And I doubt this H will change his cheating ways. He is in counseling and still cheating, for heaven's sake. What does that tell you about the chances of this marriage surviving? My advise stands. She should cut her losses and MOVE ON...no, RUN, from this poor excuse for a husband.
lkjh Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Passive and soft are OK if you are in a relationship based on respect, trust, and love. Passive and soft are not OK if you are in a relationship where you are being hurt, disrespected, controlled, and lied to. Surely you would agree that a spouse being abused physically should not remain passive and soft. And even these kinds of "victims" often cling to their abuser...don't want to leave..and SAY they are happy. What advice would you give a "soft, passive" husband whose wife had sex with several other men and got pregnant by one of them? What if this "soft, passive" husband continued to say he loved his wife and desperately wanted her back? What would you say to him..honestly? Would you say, "Well, he wants her back. What he needs to do to win her back is own up to his EA with that younger woman"? That is, in essence, exactly what you are telling this woman to do. Most men would tell a "soft, passive" male BS to grow a pair and kick the tramp wife to the curb....that he deserves better. I think the same advice should be offered to this OP. Stop being so passive and soft...grow a backbone and kick the man-whore to the curb. He's a controlling, self-righteous serial cheater who has respect for no woman, let alone his trophy wife that he has, IMO, grown tired of. Or maybe she resents him for demanding she undergo a lie detector test when she did not demand the same of him. Why should SHE undergo one for her EA when he didn't undergo one for all of his PA's, including the one that produced a fetus. I still think her POSSIBLE EA is minor compared to the damage his serial cheating has done. And I doubt this H will change his cheating ways. He is in counseling and still cheating, for heaven's sake. What does that tell you about the chances of this marriage surviving? My advise stands. She should cut her losses and MOVE ON...no, RUN, from this poor excuse for a husband. I don't think you get it, I agree with you on the first part. Her relationship is unhealthy and she shouldn't want him back. But for some reason she does. As for your second point, she gave a reason for why she didn't want the test. She said it was embarrassing and I think that is bs. I think she is trying to paint a picture of being a victim. I don't for a second doubt that her H is a horrible H. I just think she is cleaning up her part in this. The only part that we differ on is her affair. I agree that physical affairs are far worst than EA's. For some reason she forgave her H for his PA's. I don't think he should have been given a second chance, but she gave him one. But, she did cheat and when confronted with it she tried to cover it by playing hardball and she lost. Instead of admitting to it, she tried to play naive. Come on, do you really believe that there was nothing going on between her and the younger doctor? Why does he have her email and phone number and why did they communicateso much for non-work related reasons? Why did he give her and only her flowers on V-day and why does everyone at her work believe they were having a affair?
PhoenixRise Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 I don't think you get it, I agree with you on the first part. Her relationship is unhealthy and she shouldn't want him back. But for some reason she does. As for your second point, she gave a reason for why she didn't want the test. She said it was embarrassing and I think that is bs. I think she is trying to paint a picture of being a victim. I don't for a second doubt that her H is a horrible H. I just think she is cleaning up her part in this. The only part that we differ on is her affair. I agree that physical affairs are far worst than EA's. For some reason she forgave her H for his PA's. I don't think he should have been given a second chance, but she gave him one. But, she did cheat and when confronted with it she tried to cover it by playing hardball and she lost. Instead of admitting to it, she tried to play naive. Come on, do you really believe that there was nothing going on between her and the younger doctor? Why does he have her email and phone number and why did they communicateso much for non-work related reasons? Why did he give her and only her flowers on V-day and why does everyone at her work believe they were having a affair? She said he sent flowers to everyone in the unit, not just her. I don't think she had an affair. I think the younger Dr. was attracted to her and saw that the H was a cheating, controlling, bully, so he eventually let her know it. People other than my husband send me text messages and emails, this alone is not an indication that someone is cheating. Even if she enjoyed the attention, it does not make her a cheater. AND when you have done nothing wrong and you are dealing with someone who you KNOW has lied to and cheated on YOU then being asked to take a lie detector test is the hight of insult and disrespect. NOW. I think she filed for a divorce because she wanted to give him a wake up call, not because she actually wanted a divorce. I will say that this is a game no one should play. She got a result that she didn't really want.
Athena Posted July 22, 2009 Posted July 22, 2009 Or maybe she resents him for demanding she undergo a lie detector test when she did not demand the same of him. Why should SHE undergo one for her EA when he didn't undergo one for all of his PA's, including the one that produced a fetus. please correct me if I am wrong, but her husband never asked her for a lie detector test! The suggestion was made by a poster here on this thread, as a way of showing the H that she (OP) had nothing to hide.... The whole lie detector request is a non issue with her and her H -- he has no clue about it.
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 She said he sent flowers to everyone in the unit, not just her. I don't think she had an affair. I think the younger Dr. was attracted to her and saw that the H was a cheating, controlling, bully, so he eventually let her know it. People other than my husband send me text messages and emails, this alone is not an indication that someone is cheating. Even if she enjoyed the attention, it does not make her a cheater. AND when you have done nothing wrong and you are dealing with someone who you KNOW has lied to and cheated on YOU then being asked to take a lie detector test is the hight of insult and disrespect. NOW. I think she filed for a divorce because she wanted to give him a wake up call, not because she actually wanted a divorce. I will say that this is a game no one should play. She got a result that she didn't really want. The younger doctor didn't know her H cheated on her, he wanted her and thought she wanted him back. When you text and talked to these OM, do they confess their love to you? Do they risk their jobs confronting your H at a work party? Does everyone at your work think you are cheating with one of these men? Come on, you know that there was a lot more going on then some innocent text about general subjects. Her H never asked her to take the test, it was a suggestion on here after she asked how she could prove she didn't cheat, and she started giving reason why not to. Her reasons all had to do with it being embarrassing, even though she quit her job, dealt with all of the gossip, and had that nasty party incident. I don't think it was the embarrassment that stopped her from wanting to take the test, it was the fear of something being found. SHe wanted to find a way to cover it up Where there is smoke there is fire.
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 She said he sent flowers to everyone in the unit, not just her. I don't think she had an affair. I think the younger Dr. was attracted to her and saw that the H was a cheating, controlling, bully, so he eventually let her know it. People other than my husband send me text messages and emails, this alone is not an indication that someone is cheating. Even if she enjoyed the attention, it does not make her a cheater. AND when you have done nothing wrong and you are dealing with someone who you KNOW has lied to and cheated on YOU then being asked to take a lie detector test is the hight of insult and disrespect. NOW. I think she filed for a divorce because she wanted to give him a wake up call, not because she actually wanted a divorce. I will say that this is a game no one should play. She got a result that she didn't really want. also, she got special flowers with a card that said to my favorite nurse. Don't try to downplay all of this
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Thanks, Athena, for reading the post a little more astutely than I did..regarding the lie detector test. I retract my comments regarding it. However, I do not believe anyone here needs to put much effort into downplaying her POSSIBLE EA. Even if she had an EA with the younger doctor, it still PALES in comparison to what her husband did. And yet, her husband appears to have lashed back at her POSSIBLE EA far more severely than she lashed back at his infidelity. Definitely shows an imbalance of power, as one poster noted earlier. He is a bully and IMO, she is the victim. The affairs are water under the bridge, IMO. The discussion around them shed alot of light on the dynamics of their relationship, which, to me, is the main concern. He will never stop being a bully. He will never stop trying to control her. He will never stop seeing her as a trophy wife. He will never learn to respect her. And he probably will never stop cheating. I agree with the poster who said the D card should not be used as a wake-up call. I got embroiled in a huge debate about this on another thread. My opinion was that the word divorce should not be uttered unless you really mean it..unless you want it...and you plan to go thru with it. It should never be used as a way to intimidate or "wake" someone up. Most posters on that thread disagreed with me. But the way I see it, in this OP's case, if the AFFAIRS themselves and their devastation isn't enough to wake someone up, then it's time to move on. My EA was PLENTY ENOUGH to wake both my husband and I up to take a good look at our marriage and at ourselves. Why wasn't this husband's affairs enough to wake him up to his own wrongdoing and make him take a hard look at what he was doing to his wife and his marriage. The man just doesn't care enough. He just doesn't see enough value in his wife or his marriage to STOP CHEATING. IMO, a person should want to change his ways, work on the marriage, do what he has to do to be a good spouse, because he LOVES his spouse and because he values the marriage he has with her, not because his spouse threatened to DIVORCE HIM, take all his money, and keep his kids from him. If you have to hit someone over the head with the DIVORCE threat, you might as well walk. I wouldn't want someone back I had to "coerce" to be with me. Threatening divorce is no way to start down the path of reconciliation, IMO. With respect to the OP, I don't see her husband giving her any indication he wants to save his marriage..he's already moved on to another affair apparently. Her divorce threats are empty because he could care less. He was probably hoping she would file so he wouldn't look like the bad guy.
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 The younger doctor didn't know her H cheated on her, he wanted her and thought she wanted him back. When you text and talked to these OM, do they confess their love to you? Do they risk their jobs confronting your H at a work party? Does everyone at your work think you are cheating with one of these men? Come on, you know that there was a lot more going on then some innocent text about general subjects. Her H never asked her to take the test, it was a suggestion on here after she asked how she could prove she didn't cheat, and she started giving reason why not to. Her reasons all had to do with it being embarrassing, even though she quit her job, dealt with all of the gossip, and had that nasty party incident. I don't think it was the embarrassment that stopped her from wanting to take the test, it was the fear of something being found. SHe wanted to find a way to cover it up Where there is smoke there is fire. You know.... there have been male friends who expressed an attraction to me and I needed to put some distance into the friendship. Doesn't mean I was flirting or trying to get their attention, just means they crossed the line. AND if an OW is calling the office to discuss a pregnancy it is a safe bet that it was not the first time she had called the office for the H. Based on the way the OP has described her H, he sounds like a very proud man, a doctor who thinks he is god, and very arrogant. It is a safe bet that the people he spends most of his day with KNEW he was a serial cheater. AND It is very common for a cheater to suspect and accuse a BS of cheating. It is right out of the cheater's handbook. Accuse and deflect so the cheater doesn't have to acknowledge wrongdoing. Sounds to me like the OP has been living under the Husband's thumb and under his control for a long time. He tells her where to go, where to work, when to quit, when and under what circumstance she can see her family. Do you think his co-workers didn't see his domineering ways? Smoke does not always mean fire, sometimes smoke is just a smokescreen.
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 also, she got special flowers with a card that said to my favorite nurse. Don't try to downplay all of this Even if the younger dr sent flowers to HER. It means HE crossed the line not that she was having an affair. BUT Frankly, her H is a serial cheater and a domineering man to boot. A POSSIBLE EA is not the issue here.
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 To tell you the truth, lkjh, I could care less if she had a full blown EA with the young doctor. Obviously she was not getting her needs met by her husband who was putting tons of energy into F***ing and impregnating other women. How much emotional investment do you think he had in his wife and marriage? I completely understand her need to feel good about herself. I completely understand why she would enjoy the attention of another, younger man. Why should see sit at home looking pretty while her husband is out screwing anyone he darn pleases. Perhaps, if she did have a full-blown emotional affair, it was to supplement the lack of attention and affection she wasn't getting from her serial cheating husband. Or perhaps it was a revenge affair. Doesn't matter to me one bit that she had an EA (if she did), seeing as he had already destroyed the marriage with multiple PA's and by getting one of his affair partners pregnant.
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 To tell you the truth, lkjh, I could care less if she had a full blown EA with the young doctor. Obviously she was not getting her needs met by her husband who was putting tons of energy into F***ing and impregnating other women. How much emotional investment do you think he had in his wife and marriage? I completely understand her need to feel good about herself. I completely understand why she would enjoy the attention of another, younger man. Why should see sit at home looking pretty while her husband is out screwing anyone he darn pleases. Perhaps, if she did have a full-blown emotional affair, it was to supplement the lack of attention and affection she wasn't getting from her serial cheating husband. Or perhaps it was a revenge affair. Doesn't matter to me one bit that she had an EA (if she did), seeing as he had already destroyed the marriage with multiple PA's and by getting one of his affair partners pregnant. Taylor This is an excellent summation. She got flowers. Her husband got to be the OW baby daddy.
taylor Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 When you text and talked to these OM, do they confess their love to you? Do they risk their jobs confronting your H at a work party? Does everyone at your work think you are cheating with one of these men? It's obvious this OM at least had some kind of crush on her and it's obvious she liked the attention. Interesting question about the work party...would an OM risk his job confronting a Husband at a work party? This OM was young and felt competitive with the older husband. Perhaps has a bit of an ego, like the older doctor. He probably opened his mouth and challenged the husband for a couple reasons...he doesn't like the way the older doctor treats his wife.. he cares about the wife....he was trying to one-up him by putting him in a bad light. Now, if my OM had been at a work party with my husband present, I know exactly how that scenario would have played out: He would have remained calm, cool and collected. He most likely would not have acknowledged he even knew me. And he would have avoided my husband at all costs. If approached, he would have been cordial, but distant. Why? To PROTECT the affair. This is why it makes me wonder if there truly was an affair going on between this OP and the younger doctor. I think most SMART OM would have kept their mouths shut to protect the affair.
Athena Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 I still don't believe this thread is real. To me it appears 'made up'.
lkjh Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Athena, I actually think you are right. This does seem fake. But for some reason I still feel the need to talk about this. Phoenix, the OW didn't call the hospital that the OM worked at. She called the her H's private practice a long time before the OM was even around. You and taylor are just focused on evening out her H's affairs and not the original question.
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Athena, I actually think you are right. This does seem fake. But for some reason I still feel the need to talk about this. Phoenix, the OW didn't call the hospital that the OM worked at. She called the her H's private practice a long time before the OM was even around. You and taylor are just focused on evening out her H's affairs and not the original question. My point is that this H was bold enough to have OW calling his place of business. This is probaly not an uncommon experience for this H, not just with the particular OW and that particular incident. My point is his co-workers likely know about his serial cheating whether at the private practice or at the hospital. AND based on what the OP posted the H is a serial cheater. Saying that she had an EA is just speculation. But I am sure that when the H talks about the divorce to his friends and family the story HE will tell will be that OP had an affiar and that is why they are divorcing. Not trying to even anything out. There is nothing to even out. Like I said in an eariler post. OP got flowers H got to be OW baby daddy There is no way to make that even.
Author lillyrose Posted July 23, 2009 Author Posted July 23, 2009 Hello Everyone! I have been reading the responses, I am very distress about one poster's insistence that I cheated on my husband. Is it not possible that I am innocent and my husband is just a cheat and who views every man-woman relationship as a prelude to or already an affair? My husband and I have been talking and he gave me an ultimatum to withdraw the divorce (I have until tomorrow to decide) or face the consequences of my "childish and immature over-reaction". I have asked my husband if he is already seeing another woman and of course, he denied it. He said he went to a business lunch with someone in a restaurant near the hospital and some hospital staff saw them there. He told me that I should not listen to rumors, because if he was seeing another woman he would not take her to this very public place. Few nights ago, my friends took me out to a bar/restaurant and I got very drunk. I do not normally drink(they just wanted me to get out of the house and have some fun) and when they brought me home, my husband opened the door and he had the look of disgust on his face. Still, he took care of me and cleaned me up and put me to bed. Taylor, I wish I am as strong as you are. But I love my husband. I can't explain it. I just want to be with him. Athena, I do not know for SURE if the former girlfirend had the baby, all I know is what my husband told me. Toodamnpragmatic,please stop referring to my relationship as if it is wrong because of our age difference. I love my husband, why do you not understand that? I guess I am asking how to win him back. For you ladies who have more experience, how do you keep your man. I am fit and I take care of myself very well. Sexually, I am a willing and excited partner to whatever my husband wants ( not that he has ever asked for anything weird). I just want him back. I want the life that I had before all these chaos.
Lizzie60 Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Your husband is a jerk.. drop him now.. he will never stop cheating on you.. I think you're wasting your best years.. he's enjoying his ...
PhoenixRise Posted July 23, 2009 Posted July 23, 2009 Hello Everyone! I have been reading the responses, I am very distress about one poster's insistence that I cheated on my husband. Is it not possible that I am innocent and my husband is just a cheat and who views every man-woman relationship as a prelude to or already an affair? My husband and I have been talking and he gave me an ultimatum to withdraw the divorce (I have until tomorrow to decide) or face the consequences of my "childish and immature over-reaction". I have asked my husband if he is already seeing another woman and of course, he denied it. He said he went to a business lunch with someone in a restaurant near the hospital and some hospital staff saw them there. He told me that I should not listen to rumors, because if he was seeing another woman he would not take her to this very public place. Few nights ago, my friends took me out to a bar/restaurant and I got very drunk. I do not normally drink(they just wanted me to get out of the house and have some fun) and when they brought me home, my husband opened the door and he had the look of disgust on his face. Still, he took care of me and cleaned me up and put me to bed. Taylor, I wish I am as strong as you are. But I love my husband. I can't explain it. I just want to be with him. Athena, I do not know for SURE if the former girlfirend had the baby, all I know is what my husband told me. Toodamnpragmatic,please stop referring to my relationship as if it is wrong because of our age difference. I love my husband, why do you not understand that? I guess I am asking how to win him back. For you ladies who have more experience, how do you keep your man. I am fit and I take care of myself very well. Sexually, I am a willing and excited partner to whatever my husband wants ( not that he has ever asked for anything weird). I just want him back. I want the life that I had before all these chaos. Lilly Every woman has a choice to make about the kind of life she wants to live and you are no different. If you are chosing to stay with your husband without him making any changes within himself just be aware that you are chosing to accept his behavior. He will continue to cheat, he will continue to dominate your life. If this is what you want, it seems to me that your solution is very simple. Withdraw the divorce as your husband has ordered you to and just continue to do whatever he says. There is nothing you can do to make him stay faithful if he WANTS to cheat and there are no consequences for his cheating. You will just need to learn to accept things as they are. There are NO "Keep Your Man" secrets that work if your man does not respect you and does not want to be faithful. I really wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose to do.
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