My husband, his colleague and I

[Reggie]

I agree. He treats her like a possession or a pet.

[PhoenixRise]

Hi everyone! I am in my husband's private practice office. I am here because he does not trust me alone in the house. I have no purpose here. He has hired two RN's since I started working in the hospital. I do not even get to screen the calls for him. The other nurses do it. All calls for me goes to him (luckily there are practically no calls for me). I am very depressed and humiliated. My husband is treating me unfairly. The way my husband is acting is giving credence to the gossips that I had an affair with Dr. B.

 

PhoenixRose-I do not mind following what my husband want. I do not think he is asking of me things that are impossible or that are uncomfortable. I understand why I had to quit working in the hospital. It would have been difficult for me to continue there knowing I am bound to run into Dr. B plus all the gossips.

 

Tami-chan-I will try and talk to him and hope to put an end to it. If not we can talk about it when we have our joint session with the counselor. I have not been in contact with Dr. B. He has , though, sent me an email-apolgozing on how everything went down and saying he understands why my husband is reacting the way he has, that he would do the same if I was his wife. I have not responded to the email and I have not shown it to my husband. Do you think I should show it to him? I worry that it would just make matters worse.

 

Ikjh-I understand what you are saying. I do not understand how the tables have turned. From him being the cheater to me, being the one not being trusted.

 

In like Flynn- so what do you think I should do?

 

 

You don't mind doing what he says because what he asks is not impossible or uncomfortable??

 

Didn't you just post that you were at your husband's private practice, not by your choice, feeling humiliated, with no purpose for you to be there?

 

Didn't you just post that you feel that he is giving credence to the gossip with this behavior?

 

Isn't he treating you like you can't be trusted to be home alone like an adult?

 

Do you ever actually tell your husband what you need or want and expect to get it? Do you ever voice an opinion that is respected?

 

I agree with every poster here who has suggested IC for you.

 

It is so telling that you are here posting about your husband's suspicions about an affiar that you DID NOT have, instead of dealing with the numerous affiars that your husband DID have.

 

I really wish you the best of luck.

[lillyrose]

PhoenixRise-I am sorry, I did not explain myself clearly, I meant the things he has asked me to do were acceptable to me until now. Now, it is a bit stifling.

 

It looks like everyone is of one consensus. I feel terrible reading the responses. I am cut into pieces. I will quit counseling. There is no use. I am nothing but a joke, I guess. I feel the anger and frustration by some here. It is the exact feeling I get when I go to the hospital. As if this is all my fault. But I realized this is all my fault for falling in love with an older man. What was I thinking? There is nothing else to do but file for divorce and leave town. I always believed that even if my husband is not perfect, I knew he loved me, but it looks like nobody thinks that is so but me.

 

Thank you everyone.

[PhoenixRise]

PhoenixRise-I am sorry, I did not explain myself clearly, I meant the things he has asked me to do were acceptable to me until now. Now, it is a bit stifling.

 

It looks like everyone is of one consensus. I feel terrible reading the responses. I am cut into pieces. I will quit counseling. There is no use. I am nothing but a joke, I guess. I feel the anger and frustration by some here. It is the exact feeling I get when I go to the hospital. As if this is all my fault. But I realized this is all my fault for falling in love with an older man. What was I thinking? There is nothing else to do but file for divorce and leave town. I always believed that even if my husband is not perfect, I knew he loved me, but it looks like nobody thinks that is so but me.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

((((Lillyrose))))

 

thanks for the clarification. I don't think anyone who has posted wants you to feel demoralized. You did nothing wrong. I don't think you had any kind of affiar with anyone. I think your husband is using this situation to control you and to take the heat off of HIS affiars.

 

I don't think your husband's actions are your fault.

I do think (based on our limited interaction here) that you lost your voice and your power somewhere along the way.

 

Your husband sounds very controlling.

 

Please Consider individual counseling.

[tami-chan]

Way to go...

 

 

Lillyrose, you have to remember one thing-misery loves company. Please do not take everything here to heart. Some people come here with their own agenda. You and your husband have been on marriage counseling and by your own admission have been doing well. It's a little bit confusing here, because sometimes some people would advise that your husband should be open and transparent, I think it was good that he asked you to work in the hospital where he work-maybe his way of being "open" to you. Yet, that too was criticized.

 

Do not quit your IC or MC, those things work for many people. I am not going to pretend I understand what you are going through. I can only begin to imagine-you are young and most likely very attractive and married to a successful oncologist. Many are jealous of you and want to tear you down. Plus you have also caught the eye of another oncologist! Trust me, many women there are probably asking themselves, what does she have that I don't? Well, whatever it is, YOU have IT!

 

If you love yor husband, and both of you want to stay in the marriage then he knows what he needs to do as do you. I know you are frustrated and sad, this is but a bump, this is surmountable. It is a lot of work from what I hear, but it can be done.

 

Personally, I would not let your husband know about the email. No need to make matters worse.You did not have an affair. It is enough that you are true to yourself and true to him. Many will argue of course and they would advise you to let your H read the email. You are the only one who knows how your H will react, weigh the pros and cons and decide.

[stuckinoz]

{{hugs lilly}}

It doesn't seem to me that you have done anything wrong here. It looks as if he is in the wrong. Please don't beat yourself up over this.

Would it be impossible to talk to him? Tell him how you feel humiliated.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Lilyrose, please don't beat yourself up. I hope my comments were not taken as malicious or condescending. I hope now at 30, you are able to stand up for yourself, be treated as an equal and expect more from your husband.

 

I will not recant my comments about the age gap, but after 10 years I do sincerely hope you are able to voice your thoughts, needs and wants. You have to demand it.

 

One thing not discussed or mentioned is do you have a support group (friends and family) to turn to?

[lillyrose]

hello everyone! It has been a very difficult couple of days for me. Largely because I am at the tipping point of my marriage. Last night I told my husband I was not going to go back to the office if the reason he wants me there is because he does not trust me alone in the house. I did not get much resistance from him, so today I stayed home. I cried most of the day. How can anyone survive in a relationship when there is always someone doubting your sincerity? If it is not somebody from his side of the family, it is some of his friends,or some random person in the hospital. Always asking, how can she be in love with him? He is too old for her. My husband is ONLY 50. He is not 80 years old!!!!

 

I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am lost. I feel I have tried very hard to live my life as a loving dutiful wife and mother. I am very aware of the naysayers -people who have called me a golddigger. Yet, here I am accused of adultery.

 

I have asked my husband to let me and my daughter go home to my parents (they live in another state, ) for the summer. I need to be close to people who know me best. But he said no. I am thinking of running away. Take my daughter with me and run away.

 

Tami-chan, I love my husband. I never want to disgrace him. I cannot think straight. I do not understand why so many people are so quick to believe the rumors/gossips. Before this happened, I never doubted I wanted to save the marriage. But now, I just feel like no matter what I do, I will always be suspect because I am a lot younger than my husband.

 

PhoenixRise, I am in counseling and my husband and I are in marriage counseling. But I am tired of fighting for my marriage, for respect.

 

Toodamnpragmatic and stuckinoz, I have told my husband about my feelings of humiliation and that is why today I am at home. Alone, unmonitored-at least, I think I am. My God, I am getting paranoid, I certainly would not let it get past me if my husband has hired somebody to watch my every movement.

 

Thank you all for taking time out and sharing your thoughts with me.

[tami-chan]

Lillyrose! I am glad you came back to post. Lillyrose, there will always be naysayers-I do not know why that is so, perhaps borne out of jealousy or "jaded-ness". But, this is your life. You know who you are, you know who you have been married to. You are not a child, you are a grown woman, so please, Lillyrose, do not worry about those people who bring up your age. You are a 30-year old woman, not a 16 year old teen-ager.

 

As much as I would like to say that maybe it is good for you to leave for the moment, I hesitate only because I think as a family you really need to close ranks right now. Re-group. Your husband needs you by his side. He has just been attacked (I agree with this assessment by somebody here on the board).

 

It looks like your husband is loosening his grip a little. Continue on letting him know what is and is not acceptable treatment to you. If he loves you, which I think he does, he will at least, try and see it from your perspective.

[jnj express]

what is the matter with you---you are allowing him to bully you, and treat you like his property, and his slave----you are married, equal partners, you have a say in everything you do with your life---it is your life. If you want to go home for a visit---tell him you are going to go, and just go. He is not going to do anything to you---In a divorce he gives you 50% of everything, so he certainly isn't going that route. Just stand up to him, he cheated, not you---and from the tone of all this, i don't think you did much about his cheating. Its time you let him know where things stand, make him back down and stand up for yourself, and if you have to get in his face to do it then do so.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

See a lawyer and discuss your rights. Go to IC as I suggested earlier. Do not do anything rash. From your posts I even wonder whether you could see a lawyer without him knowing, seeing his controlling attitude.

 

You come back to age, which I did bring up and I will continue to as you met when you were only 20 years old, he was an established Dr. (and by all accounts a philanderer/cheater) and you were may be not even graduated from nursing. Yes that is a huge difference and has molded your persona (as we read in the post) and how he treats and respects you.

 

What I also don't understand is that you write as if people are questioning you, your age, your actions, as opposed to a brazen cheater.

 

You need to figure out your legal rights and what will make you happy.

 

Good luck.

[JeezLouise]

Let's call a spade a spade.

 

This younger doctor either has a psychological problem where he has socially unacceptable obsessions with women that he doesn't know well, or he has more reasons than you have posted here to think that he knows you very well emotionally. This guy wouldn't be sending roses to "his fav nurse" or "I love you" texts without some sort of reason.

 

If he has a mental illness that is making him obsessed with you, then you need to follow your H's lead in having him dismissed from working with patients and the public and totally stay away from him.

 

You have forgiven your H repeatedly for many acts of infidelity. That is your right and your choice (some would say your stupidity, but I can understand trying to work through one affair to save a good marriage, although I can't see working through many). He does not have to forgive you for what he sees as your infidelity, though; he has that choice as well. You had the choice to confront, to humiliate to try to have the OW fired; your H has that choice, too.

 

When the public consistently takes the part of a known philanderer, then there is a reason why. Look at Jon and Kate Gosselin - there are many people who will say that kate was an emasculating b&tch and deserved to have her H cheat on her; sort of odd for a known cheater to have so much public support, but then again, Kate IS an emasculating b&tch.

 

I think there is stuff going on that you aren't being quite straight about. There are always three sides to the story - yours, his and the truth.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Let's call a spade a spade.

 

This younger doctor either has a psychological problem where he has socially unacceptable obsessions with women that he doesn't know well, or he has more reasons than you have posted here to think that he knows you very well emotionally. This guy wouldn't be sending roses to "his fav nurse" or "I love you" texts without some sort of reason.

 

If he has a mental illness that is making him obsessed with you, then you need to follow your H's lead in having him dismissed from working with patients and the public and totally stay away from him.

 

You have forgiven your H repeatedly for many acts of infidelity. That is your right and your choice (some would say your stupidity, but I can understand trying to work through one affair to save a good marriage, although I can't see working through many). He does not have to forgive you for what he sees as your infidelity, though; he has that choice as well. You had the choice to confront, to humiliate to try to have the OW fired; your H has that choice, too.

 

When the public consistently takes the part of a known philanderer, then there is a reason why. Look at Jon and Kate Gosselin - there are many people who will say that kate was an emasculating b&tch and deserved to have her H cheat on her; sort of odd for a known cheater to have so much public support, but then again, Kate IS an emasculating b&tch.

 

I think there is stuff going on that you aren't being quite straight about. There are always three sides to the story - yours, his and the truth.

 

Don't think you are being fair to the OP, who is in a vulnerable state. I still contend that she does not have a support group (friends, family in another state) to help her, has probably been kept like a bird in a gilded cage for 10 years, and needs to assert herself and independence.

 

She keeps worrying about being perceived as a gold digger and that is unhealthy. I will tell you this what other people say may well be true, only she knows. I doubt it, but frankly if she was, she wouldn't be in this place now and would know exactly what to do.

 

I am an incredibly nosy person and will also ask because of my curiosity, whether she had a big wedding (as it speaks to her husband's control and I bet it was very small) and again whether she still has her childhood friends nearby.

[PhoenixRise]

hello everyone! It has been a very difficult couple of days for me. Largely because I am at the tipping point of my marriage. Last night I told my husband I was not going to go back to the office if the reason he wants me there is because he does not trust me alone in the house. I did not get much resistance from him, so today I stayed home. I cried most of the day. How can anyone survive in a relationship when there is always someone doubting your sincerity? If it is not somebody from his side of the family, it is some of his friends,or some random person in the hospital. Always asking, how can she be in love with him? He is too old for her. My husband is ONLY 50. He is not 80 years old!!!!

 

I am exhausted. I am depressed. I am lost. I feel I have tried very hard to live my life as a loving dutiful wife and mother. I am very aware of the naysayers -people who have called me a golddigger. Yet, here I am accused of adultery.

 

I have asked my husband to let me and my daughter go home to my parents (they live in another state, ) for the summer. I need to be close to people who know me best. But he said no. I am thinking of running away. Take my daughter with me and run away.

 

Tami-chan, I love my husband. I never want to disgrace him. I cannot think straight. I do not understand why so many people are so quick to believe the rumors/gossips. Before this happened, I never doubted I wanted to save the marriage. But now, I just feel like no matter what I do, I will always be suspect because I am a lot younger than my husband.

 

PhoenixRise, I am in counseling and my husband and I are in marriage counseling. But I am tired of fighting for my marriage, for respect.

 

Toodamnpragmatic and stuckinoz, I have told my husband about my feelings of humiliation and that is why today I am at home. Alone, unmonitored-at least, I think I am. My God, I am getting paranoid, I certainly would not let it get past me if my husband has hired somebody to watch my every movement.

 

Thank you all for taking time out and sharing your thoughts with me.

 

Lillyrose

 

I am glad you came back.

I think sometimes people are very jaded and jealous of the life they THINK you have. If people are looking at you with suspicion because they think you are a golddigger who married an older man then you have to ask yourself why those same people are NOT looking at your Husband wondering why he chose to marry a much younger woman instead of seeking out someone closer to his own age.

 

I think here on this forum, people mentioned your age difference because from what you have written here it looks like there is a HUGE power differential in your marriage.

 

If you need some time away from him then you should take it. Go home to your family where you feel safe and where people know you best. In dealing with just a spouse's infidelity getting away so you can clear your head is a good idea, with everything else that is going with you and your marriage it is an excellent idea.

 

 

Do you NEED his permission to go? Can you just tell him that with the discovery of his Multiple affiars you need time away and you are going away for the summer?

 

 

 

Talk to your counselor about your desire to just take the children and run away. Your individual counselor, NOT your marriage counselor. Tell him you feel trapped. Then tell him you suggested going away for the summer and your husband said no.

[PhoenixRise]

Let's call a spade a spade.

 

This younger doctor either has a psychological problem where he has socially unacceptable obsessions with women that he doesn't know well, or he has more reasons than you have posted here to think that he knows you very well emotionally. This guy wouldn't be sending roses to "his fav nurse" or "I love you" texts without some sort of reason.

 

If he has a mental illness that is making him obsessed with you, then you need to follow your H's lead in having him dismissed from working with patients and the public and totally stay away from him.

 

You have forgiven your H repeatedly for many acts of infidelity. That is your right and your choice (some would say your stupidity, but I can understand trying to work through one affair to save a good marriage, although I can't see working through many). He does not have to forgive you for what he sees as your infidelity, though; he has that choice as well. You had the choice to confront, to humiliate to try to have the OW fired; your H has that choice, too.

 

When the public consistently takes the part of a known philanderer, then there is a reason why. Look at Jon and Kate Gosselin - there are many people who will say that kate was an emasculating b&tch and deserved to have her H cheat on her; sort of odd for a known cheater to have so much public support, but then again, Kate IS an emasculating b&tch.

 

I think there is stuff going on that you aren't being quite straight about. There are always three sides to the story - yours, his and the truth.

 

Why imply that the op is responsible for her husband cheating. Sometimes the public doesn't know what the hell it is talking about. I think there is a tendency to look at a successful, older doctor, who has prestige and probaly lots of money and say, if there is a problem it must the the wife's fault.

 

It would not take a mental illness for another doctor to take an interest in her. If she is beautiful and intelligent that would be enough. Add in the fact that the whole hospital is probaly gossiping about her Husband cheating on her then another doctor could befriend her, start to see that she has a good sprit, on top of beauty and brains and begin to believe that she deserves better than her husband.

 

Her husband sounds like a controlling man. Most likely, all his collegues know it. He could be seeing infidelity on her part because it is in his interest to see it. Gives him one more reason to keep her under his thumb.

[silktricks]

LillyRose - please, please, please be careful. It sounds like you are taking the opinions of people on a board who do not know truly know anything about you or your relationship as if it is gospel. We don't know ANYTHING. We are only faceless people who give our opinions freely, and sometimes without too much thought of their effect upon those who may take it as TRUTH.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with a 40 year-old marrying a 20 year-old. Everything depends upon the people involved. My grandmother was 19 years younger than her husband, my brother-in-law is 30 years older than his wife. It's not common in American society, but it's not weird or abnormal either.

 

Being an oncologist, your husband is accustomed to control - a lot of it. Up until now, you have apparently never resisted that control.

 

You need to decide what is important to YOU. Not to any of us, but to YOU. It sounds like you love your husband, but have been badly hurt. No one but YOU can decide how you want your life to be. Don't throw your life away because other people don't like the way it is. It may not suit them, but it could be that it suits you just fine -- and it could be that after spending time deciding what you want, that you want a change. Just make sure that it is you deciding what you want in life, because you are the one who will need to live with the repurcussions of your choices.

 

(((hugs)))

[Toodamnpragmatic]

LillyRose - please, please, please be careful. It sounds like you are taking the opinions of people on a board who do not know truly know anything about you or your relationship as if it is gospel. We don't know ANYTHING. We are only faceless people who give our opinions freely, and sometimes without too much thought of their effect upon those who may take it as TRUTH.

 

There is NOTHING wrong with a 40 year-old marrying a 20 year-old. Everything depends upon the people involved. My grandmother was 19 years younger than her husband, my brother-in-law is 30 years older than his wife. It's not common in American society, but it's not weird or abnormal either.

 

Being an oncologist, your husband is accustomed to control - a lot of it. Up until now, you have apparently never resisted that control.

 

You need to decide what is important to YOU. Not to any of us, but to YOU. It sounds like you love your husband, but have been badly hurt. No one but YOU can decide how you want your life to be. Don't throw your life away because other people don't like the way it is. It may not suit them, but it could be that it suits you just fine -- and it could be that after spending time deciding what you want, that you want a change. Just make sure that it is you deciding what you want in life, because you are the one who will need to live with the repurcussions of your choices.

 

(((hugs)))

 

Actually almost everyone has defended and supported her on this forum. Those she mentions I think are from her community.

 

You may think there is nothing wrong with a 40 yo marrying a 20 yo or a 30+ year age difference. I on the other hand raise my eyebrow and certainly think there are huge issues here specific to the age difference.

[lkjh]

Let's call a spade a spade.

 

This younger doctor either has a psychological problem where he has socially unacceptable obsessions with women that he doesn't know well, or he has more reasons than you have posted here to think that he knows you very well emotionally. This guy wouldn't be sending roses to "his fav nurse" or "I love you" texts without some sort of reason.

 

If he has a mental illness that is making him obsessed with you, then you need to follow your H's lead in having him dismissed from working with patients and the public and totally stay away from him.

 

You have forgiven your H repeatedly for many acts of infidelity. That is your right and your choice (some would say your stupidity, but I can understand trying to work through one affair to save a good marriage, although I can't see working through many). He does not have to forgive you for what he sees as your infidelity, though; he has that choice as well. You had the choice to confront, to humiliate to try to have the OW fired; your H has that choice, too.

 

When the public consistently takes the part of a known philanderer, then there is a reason why. Look at Jon and Kate Gosselin - there are many people who will say that kate was an emasculating b&tch and deserved to have her H cheat on her; sort of odd for a known cheater to have so much public support, but then again, Kate IS an emasculating b&tch.

 

I think there is stuff going on that you aren't being quite straight about. There are always three sides to the story - yours, his and the truth.

 

 

I have to agree with this. I feel either the younger doctor is really messed up or you were leading him on. I am sorry, I know its not what you want to hear but lets be honest. men don't give flowers and valentine gifts to every woman, they don't try an steal them from the husbands, and they don't have emotional talks with them unless they think they have a shot. Everyone thinks you are cheating because what you probably see as innocent behavior most see as flirting. I really think there are more parts to this story. I think you should consider taking the lie detector test. Its private so there is no reason to be embarrassed by it.

 

 

I really wonder if you expect your H is reading this thread and you are trying to make it out as innocent as possible.If not try to really look at this from the outside. be careful about taking peoples advice on here. There are cheaters, bs, people who side with genders and so on.

[BlueEyedGirl]

First of all, no you didn't have an emotional affair. Emotional affairs by defition include feeling strong emotions on your part which you didn't. You were simply receptive of his compliments and flowers (who wouldn't be?) and were unaware that he truly did have feelings. You didn't have feelings and that's all that matters - what you had with him is nothing beyond light friendship.

 

OM does not have to be crazy or even led on. People see what they want to see and he probably missread her friendliness for more. Also it is common to develop crushes and feelings for people that are unrequited. You don't have to be mentally ill to do that

 

Now onto the husband. His serial affairs are the only thing about him that would truly bother me. As for control/power issues, I can tell you that my parents are the same age and my dad is perhaps even more controling than your H. It doesn't have much to do with age. Also, some people (myself included) do not mind being with a strong/dominant man who calls all the shots. Some of us actually prefer more traditional gender roles. Not everyone has to be a ragining feminist. It seemed to me that you had no problem with him having the control and that is perfectly fine, no matter what people on the internet tell you.

 

You do sound like you truly love your husband. Don't let yourself be influenced by LS people, you know in your heart what the best thing to do is.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

First of all, no you didn't have an emotional affair. Emotional affairs by defition include feeling strong emotions on your part which you didn't. You were simply receptive of his compliments and flowers (who wouldn't be?) and were unaware that he truly did have feelings. You didn't have feelings and that's all that matters - what you had with him is nothing beyond light friendship.

 

OM does not have to be crazy or even led on. People see what they want to see and he probably missread her friendliness for more. Also it is common to develop crushes and feelings for people that are unrequited. You don't have to be mentally ill to do that

 

Now onto the husband. His serial affairs are the only thing about him that would truly bother me. As for control/power issues, I can tell you that my parents are the same age and my dad is perhaps even more controling than your H. It doesn't have much to do with age. Also, some people (myself included) do not mind being with a strong/dominant man who calls all the shots. Some of us actually prefer more traditional gender roles. Not everyone has to be a ragining feminist. It seemed to me that you had no problem with him having the control and that is perfectly fine, no matter what people on the internet tell you.

 

You do sound like you truly love your husband. Don't let yourself be influenced by LS people, you know in your heart what the best thing to do is.

 

Wonderful first paragraph, bang-on.... Then you cavalierly say that maybe the serial affairs would bother you.... The temper, leaving the child alone because the nanny is late, being told what you can and can't do, being cloistered, and basically having your entire life monitored... I take it that is perfectly okay with you.

 

No there is nothing philosophically wrong with a relationship where there is a dominant figure, but when you are completely controlled there certainly is.....

[BlueEyedGirl]

Wonderful first paragraph, bang-on.... Then you cavalierly say that maybe the serial affairs would bother you.... The temper, leaving the child alone because the nanny is late, being told what you can and can't do, being cloistered, and basically having your entire life monitored... I take it that is perfectly okay with you.

 

No there is nothing philosophically wrong with a relationship where there is a dominant figure, but when you are completely controlled there certainly is.....

 

No there is nothing wrong with it unless OP feels that it's wrong (no matter how it appears from the outside). This was normal marriage say a 100 years ago. I like a man who takes the reins and prefer a more submissive role. Level of control is subjective. And I got the feeling that OP is OK with that aspect of her marrieage...

[lillyrose]

Hello everyone! Thank you for your responses. I do want to point something out here, as some of you have made assumptions for the worse.

 

Toodamnpragmantic-I NEVER said my husband left my daughter because the nanny was late. I said my husband was supposed to bring my daughter to school but she wasn't ready on the designated time and my husband left. Leaving my daughter with the nanny. I understand you have a problem with the age gap. But I am now 30 and far from being a child and no I was not "kept in a gilded cage for 10 years".

 

jnj-my husband and I have continued our marriage counseling since I discovered his affair last year. I do not understand what you mean by "by the tone of this I have not done much about his cheating". I am not sure what is your basis for that statement. My husband and I have worked hard to heal from his infidelities. And for you to say those things is quite insulting, but I guess, that is what you posted here for, to insult me. Well, I am not like you. I am not a feminist, but I am also not a wife who does not have anything going for herself.

 

lkjh- I am sorry but taking the lie detector is out of question. I am not going to be subjected to such a humiliating procedure. What does privacy have to do it with it? I do not care if it was in a top secret location. Humiliation is what I feel inside. I have told my husband that if he does not believe me then he can file for divorce. I think Tami-chan was right, I told my husband once for all that I am not going to answer anymore questions about Dr. B. and that if he was not satisfied with it, he can let me go. He was very furious., but I am tired of it.

 

"I really wonder if you expect your H is reading this thread and you are trying to make it out as innocent as possible." What does this mean? My husband is a busy man. His time on the internet is spent only in connection with his profession.

 

BlueyedGirl- In the last ten years I have chosen to be good, dutiful wife. It made me happy to be such. I was not a prisoner in my own home. I was free to leave as I wish, I never did. I preferred going places with my husband and my daughter. Thank you for your post.

 

In closing, I believe I have become a pawn in a battle of egos between colleagues. I am sickened and saddned by all these.

[tami-chan]

Hi, there Lillyrose! I agree with Silktricks-try and put whatever people say on this board in perspective..most do not mean harm, some channel their anger and bitterness here-but they are not the majority, they seem a lot but they are not, they are a loud minority.

 

That said, I am glad you stood your ground with your husband. Sometimes we have to put forth an ultimatum for people to come to their senses. It's a scary and dangerous way of doing things. I know it is, because I am going through all of that at this time...not the pain...just the ultimatum part. I hope you will find someone who can help you see things straight as I am trying to ( it's a process..lol). It makes a difference.

 

Any update on what the hospital is going to do with the situation your H raised? Are you still in marriage counseling? Please keep us posted. I am nosy that way!

[White Flower]

Hi everyone! I am in my husband's private practice office. I am here because he does not trust me alone in the house. I have no purpose here. He has hired two RN's since I started working in the hospital. I do not even get to screen the calls for him. The other nurses do it. All calls for me goes to him (luckily there are practically no calls for me). I am very depressed and humiliated. My husband is treating me unfairly. The way my husband is acting is giving credence to the gossips that I had an affair with Dr. B.

 

PhoenixRose-I do not mind following what my husband want. I do not think he is asking of me things that are impossible or that are uncomfortable. I understand why I had to quit working in the hospital. It would have been difficult for me to continue there knowing I am bound to run into Dr. B plus all the gossips.

 

Tami-chan-I will try and talk to him and hope to put an end to it. If not we can talk about it when we have our joint session with the counselor. I have not been in contact with Dr. B. He has , though, sent me an email-apolgozing on how everything went down and saying he understands why my husband is reacting the way he has, that he would do the same if I was his wife. I have not responded to the email and I have not shown it to my husband. Do you think I should show it to him? I worry that it would just make matters worse.

 

Ikjh-I understand what you are saying. I do not understand how the tables have turned. From him being the cheater to me, being the one not being trusted.

 

In like Flynn- so what do you think I should do?

I've only read half the thread and promise to go back and read all of it. If I sound redundant, this is why, but I wanted to address this before I go on.

 

I bolded two sentences you wrote. They are contradictory to each other. And the ONLY reason you HAD to quit is because of the gossip YOUR H initiated. Smart move on his part.

 

Lillyrose, you sound like a very warm, thoughtful, and caring woman. Just the kind of woman your H needed in order to carry on with his serial cheating. Why do you think he married someone 20 years his junior? He needed the trophy wife so the other OWs would be jealous of you, making them produce even better sex to make up for their older age and declining beauty. I am so sorry to say that to you, but I feel it is the truth.

 

Serial cheaters NEED to have someone at home who sincerely loves and forgives them. He knew this about you from the very first date. He can't be faithful to one woman and even worse, he needs to have sex on the side because it is the getting-away-with-something-behind-his-W's-back that gets him off. And further, he is a narcissist. Not all serial cheaters are, but he is. He took HIS horrible situation and turned it on YOU, making you the bad guy who needs YOUR calls screened while you sit there in his office being monitored by HIM. Do you see how he turned this all around? He is a master manipulator of the worst kind. Just incredible and you allow him to think he is sitting there with riddled nerves because of YOUR actions??? No, he is laughing as you sit there hoping he'll calm down one day soon. Then he'll be back to boffing another nurse while you think he is taking the MC seriously.

 

He figures that since you get the house, the income, the vacations and retirement plan that you should sit there and look pretty and be happy. If you can handle this reality, then that's ok, as long as you see if for what it is. But if you think he is sorry and truly fears you're cheating you've not looked reality head on.

 

If he is truly hurt and jealous over a supposed affair that he has no proof of and you have not confessed to, then he is delusional AND selfish. It is OK for him to have an affair, but not you, especially knowing all the s*** he pulled on you? Why haven't you said, 'Tit for tat' to him? I know why--it is because you are sweet, caring, and wouldn't wish that kind of pain on him. Just the way he likes it. (Re 'tit for tat' watch Burn After Reading with George Clooney).

 

I'm feeling sorry for the OM who desires you. This guys sees the story for what it really is. You could be living in HIS nice house, getting HIS retirement plan, going on vacation with HIM, and have his WHOLE heart besides.

 

Which would you prefer?

 

I'm not saying go out and have an affair with the OM or anyone. I'm suggesting you wake up and realize just how manipulative your H really is. Get IC and print this post out for your counselor to read. She'll agree with me wholeheartedly, I guarantee that.

 

Best of luck to a very sweet girl whose H is a wolf in sheep's clothing.

 

OK, I've read all of the thread now. Lillyrose, again, you are a warm and kind woman. You owe nothing to your H, especially a lie detector test. In fact, I believe it is HE who owes YOU such a test.

 

Do let posters get you down, even if they tell you hurtful truths. You remind me so much of myself when I was a young wife. I idolized my H and wanted to please him in every way. I gave him the benefit of the doubt even when he didn't deserve it. I saw our world through rose-colored glasses and I think you are doing the same thing.

 

When one of the posters said you didn't do much regarding your H's infidelity you seemed hurt by it. I'm guessing that poster thought that by staying with your H you were showing him that it was OK to cheat on you. This may or may not be true, but you do need to look at this. I know you are not a girl anymore, but you have a beautiful, giving spirit as I did at 30 and sometimes we giving types can be polyanna-ish. We're too positive, in other words, and hope everything will be OK even during the worst of things.

 

I hope you really take the information from all these different perspectives for the knowledge that it is and try not to take it as a stab personally. We only want you to open your eyes so that you will have the information you need to make a good decision now and in the future.

 

Best, WF.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wonderfully written.... Sounds like you have some history and experience regarding this matter.

 

I hope she reads and appreciates your words....