Wife is having doubts about our marriage....

[KTMRider33]

I'm sorry it turned out that there is a third party involved.

I have learned so far,you cannot change somebody's mind,you cannot convince them to love you, and the more you try reason with them the faster they will pull away.

I'm sure some more knowledgeable people will be along in a minute and tell you about 180's and detachment.

But buddy, hang on in there, it's going to be a bumpy ride, keep posting on here, you will get some great respones, it has helped me a lot.

[exasperated]

I am not totally sure what I want. I know I at least want to know the truth about things.

 

Right now, I think my tendency is to stay and try to be the best husband and partner that I can and see if she comes back around. If she doesn't, at least I know I tried everything I could. At the same time, I don't want to be jerked around and taken advantage of. But she knows I know about the other guy, she doesn't know how much I know exactly, but she knows I know, so I feel like in some ways she doesn't have as much of an upper hand as before.

 

I told her today that I was committed to her and to making things work, this seemed to upset her, but I realize that is at least partly because I am no longer fitting into this box that she had put me in, which she was using to rationalize all her decisions.

 

She sent me a text telling me that I am "only pushing her further away", to give her space and time. Part of me finds thing space and time thing to be a little hard to believe b/c I feel like she is just going to use that space and time to meet up with this other man.

[2sunny]

I am not totally sure what I want. I know I at least want to know the truth about things.

 

 

 

 

 

She sent me a text telling me that I am "only pushing her further away", to give her space and time. Part of me finds thing space and time thing to be a little hard to believe b/c I feel like she is just going to use that space and time to meet up with this other man.

 

she intends to explore things with him and you are in the way.

 

your stable, predictable wife is not as honest and upfront as you figured.

 

face it, she's willing to throw away your past for a new man that she wants to know more about.

 

is that the sort of wife you intend to spend the rest of your life with?

 

she has told him that you are not together... or something along that line. SHE LIED! you are ignoring her prompts... she has made it clear that she wants you out of the picture so she can do what she wants with him.

 

KICK HER OUT!!! that's what she deserves. then see how she likes living with what she's been asking for...

[seibert253]

I am not totally sure what I want. I know I at least want to know the truth about things.

 

Right now, I think my tendency is to stay and try to be the best husband and partner that I can and see if she comes back around. If she doesn't, at least I know I tried everything I could. At the same time, I don't want to be jerked around and taken advantage of. But she knows I know about the other guy, she doesn't know how much I know exactly, but she knows I know, so I feel like in some ways she doesn't have as much of an upper hand as before.

 

I told her today that I was committed to her and to making things work, this seemed to upset her, but I realize that is at least partly because I am no longer fitting into this box that she had put me in, which she was using to rationalize all her decisions.

 

She sent me a text telling me that I am "only pushing her further away", to give her space and time. Part of me finds thing space and time thing to be a little hard to believe b/c I feel like she is just going to use that space and time to meet up with this other man.

 

This is absolutely the wrong approach. It's obvious your wife is a lier and a cheater, and does not care or respect you. To put it bluntly, and not to be offensive to our visually impaired friends, but "Ray Charles can see this".

It time for you to put an end to the games.

Contact an attorney, file for divorce, and have her served. Then advise her she has 7 days to move out.

You are not going "love" into seeing the error of her ways. Being the "best husband in the world" is not going to change the way she feels right now. As she already said, all this approach does is push the WS away further.

She's deep in the affair fog right now. She's living in la la land, a fantasy world.

Time for the tuff love approach. The 2X4 of reality upside her head.

She wants to be seperated, fine, you've got 7 days find somewhere to live and move out. She's abandoning your marriage, she leaves, you do not.

Let her be on her own, and find out what life is like without you.

Yes she will pursue the OM. One of two things will happen:

1. She will find out her fantasy world with the OM is just that, and a light will go off and she'll realize, what the hell have I done. Then if you wish, she comes back on your terms, not hers.

2. Your marriage is over. You are better off without a lying cheating wh#re. There is someone else who will treat you with respect and love.

This is the hardest thing you will ever do, but right now this is about YOU, no one else. What she thinks and feels should not even be on the radar right now.

[Athena]

Giving her space shows weakness -- you know there's another man interested in your wife, and you KNOW she fully intends to explore a possible physical relationship with this OM!

If you go ahead and namby-pamby her with well-wishes and 'give her space', and tell her you are committed to her, blah blah blah she will only wind up seeing you as WEAK.

No woman wants to see her man weak!

 

Far better to kick her out and tell her its because she emailed OM to continue their friendship. Far better to tell all your mutual friends and family. She will only be able to see that as you being Strong, even if she doesn't like it. She will respect you.

Maybe she will come back to you, maybe she wont, but for sure don't be a weak man.

[webmuse]

I don't truly believe in the stealth PI mode.. You know she's cheating.. why would you continue to look for things that are going to hurt you..

 

I agree with Athena.. it might (doubt it) work out in your favor this time (well so you might think) but what exactly is to stop her from pursuing other men after this.. I mean once you give her "space".. then why wouldn't you just do it all again.

[Windy27]

If you keep giving her "space" and don't take control of the situtation, it only takes days before she spread her legs for him. Is that what you want.

 

Affairs survive on secrecy. Once it's exposed, it's no longer romantic and fun. So, EXPOSE now to everyone she respects including her parents, friends, uncles, co-workers, her boss, etc. Do it now before she spread her legs for him.

Edited April 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LucreziaBorgia]

I know I at least want to know the truth about things.

 

You already know.

 

The problem is that you don't want to.

 

She is simply using you as a checkbook while she carries on her affair. I'm serious - affairs do not end for altruistic reasons. She will not end that affair on your behalf. Not if you beg, not if you cry, not if you plead. She does not care that it hurts you. All she cares about is OM right now, and finding ways to be with him.

 

If you want the affair to end, you have to force it to end.

[PWSX3]

An affair is like a drug, been there...You don't care how the other person feels because you are selfish & will do whatever to keep yourself happy....

 

I had an affair 20 years ago on my former wife & so I know, you say whatever it takes to keep your spouse thinking you are going to do something different when you really are just using both.

 

Until you do something serious she will keep doing what she is doing but remember if you giver her a ultimatum you have to be willing to follow thru...

[stillafool]

I could tell by your opening post that your wife was headed toward an affair. As I read on I see this is true. She wants to be involved with this other guy and is using the "trial separation" bull to get out of the house without making too big of a scene. Women do this because they are afraid men may become violent when it is time to let them go. I've done it myself. She is dying to get it on with this guy and is lying to you. Don't try to stop her from sleeping with this guy. It will only make her want him more. The worst thing you can do is to try to keep her from him. If she is willing to tell these lies to get out and act like a single lady again then let her go. If one wants to work on their marriage they don't move out of the house and away from the marriage to do it.

[stillafool]

I

I told her today that I was committed to her and to making things work, this seemed to upset her, but I realize that is at least partly because I am no longer fitting into this box that she had put me in, which she was using to rationalize all her decisions.

 

She sent me a text telling me that I am "only pushing her further away", to give her space and time. Part of me finds thing space and time thing to be a little hard to believe b/c I feel like she is just going to use that space and time to meet up with this other man.

 

 

This should tell you everything you need to know about your marriage. She wants you to let her go so she can be with the other man! Let her go! You can't stop her anyway. Literally, kick her sorry arse out of your house! Athena is right, we women can't stand a weak man and if you don't put her in her place (and fast) she will have no respect for you!!!

[exasperated]

Update:

Her Dad came in town yesterday evening and met with her to talk about things, I think this was good for her as he is someone she trusts and is not judgemental, but at the same time, he really wants to see the marriage succeed.

 

Before her meeting with her Dad, I confronted her about continuing to lie to me about this guy and their obvious intention to meet up. She told me she was not ready to give up on our marriage and wanted to go back to counseling (with a different counselor, I agree on this, I didn't like the guy we went to).

 

After her meeting with her Dad, she told me that she had contacted the guy and told him that we were working on things and that she could not be in contact with him anymore (this was of her own volition). Coincidentally, around the same time, I had sent an email to the other man, telling him that we are not separated, that I love my wife and we are not giving up on our marriage and I would appreciate it if he would respect that.

 

She still maintains that the only time she ever saw him was the night they met, she said he lives a couple hours away and only comes into town occasionally (which is true, I googled him, found him on social networking sites, etc).

 

Since then, and since her conversation with her Dad, she has not brought up the idea of separation anymore.

 

I met with her Dad this morning and went over what they had talked about their conversation and tried to assess the situation. It seemed pretty helpful to me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Please don't let down your guard. Chances are, they have an agreement behind your back and will keep things very on the DL. I've been where she is. When you are that deep into an affair, you don't just walk away. You make it appear as if you have. The more you confront her, the deeper she will drive it and the more she will lie and deny.

 

A plea to 'leave us alone' from the BS never works. When the BS pleads with the OW/OM to 'leave our marriage alone' it falls on deaf ears. The only thing that works is for the WS to completely cut off the OP, and mean it.

 

If she is only ending things on your and/or your marriage's behalf, and doesn't want to end it herself then she will eventually lapse.

 

I'm not saying this as a cynic. I'm saying this as one of the most notorious cheats you can say you have ever come across. I have cheated and been the OW more times than I care to admit. I know all the tricks. All of them. I recognize them immediately when someone posts here.

[seibert253]

I like the fact you contacted the OM and told him you and WW were working on things. I think I would have been a little more forceful though. Something like, if you ever contact my wife again, you will just disappear, never to be heard from again comes to mind.

[exasperated]

So I talked with my wife some today and she is still leaning towards a trial separation, a few weeks to see if she wants to work on things or not. She keeps saying it's what she wants to do, but not taking any step to make it happen.

 

Also, she said after she messaged the other man to say they had to break contact and we are still working on things, she said he messaged her back saying that he got my email and that obviously we are still working on things, so he would respect that and not contact her anymore. (Of course, this is all according to her, I haven't actually seen any of this, so I am definitely still keeping my eyes and ears open for any evidence to the contrary).

 

But that is where things are at now.

[quankanne]

she emailed her lover after the talk with her dad? Hate to have been wrong about maybe misreading her actions, but hon, she's blowing smoke up everyone's collective *ss. She is saying whatever it is she needs to say so she can go about her merry way.

 

time to go one step further and file for divorce, with the 7-days-to-vacate option. She'll understand then that you are not going to be yanked around. If she wants out, then out she goes.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Trial separation = the affair is still going on, and they are both blowing smoke up your @ss so that you won't disrupt things for them

[stillafool]

Trial separation = the affair is still going on, and they are both blowing smoke up your @ss so that you won't disrupt things for them

 

 

Exactly! If she wanted to work on your marriage she would not want to move out of her and your house (home). What sense does that make? If the other man meant any good he would have emailed you back with apologies and tell you he would keep away, but he didn't did he?????

[seibert253]

Exactly! If she wanted to work on your marriage she would not want to move out of her and your house (home). What sense does that make? If the other man meant any good he would have emailed you back with apologies and tell you he would keep away, but he didn't did he?????

 

Exactly what I'm thinking. Dude, she wants a "trial" seperation because she wants to take the other guy for a test ride, literally and figuratively. This "trial" seperation allows her to keep you around in case the other guy does not work out. Then she'll have this sudden revelation that she misses you and wants to come home. Then months or years later, when she finds another, "love of her life", you're right back where your are now.

 

When couples seperate, that's usually it, most marriages don't survive.

She's keeping the A on the down low right now, but trust me once she leaves, they will back at it full force. Dude, cheaters lie, tell you half truths when caught, and also tell you what you want to hear to string you along until they have all their ducks in a row.

 

If she wants to work on your marriage, you should do it together, not living seperatively.

 

If I were you, I would tell her you cannot work on repairing your marriage, and be seperated. I would tell her, I will do whatever it takes to save this marriage, but if you move out in my view you are abandoning our marriage. I will thus be filing for divorce.

[exasperated]

That's kind of my thoughts as well. It is kind of hard for me to believe that she has broken things off with this guy when she is not able to show me any evidence, also, I asked her to break things off before I told her I had emailed him, she was kind of waffling around, then I was like "well, you should know that I emailed him" I told her what the email said, & then that was when she told me she had told him she needed to break contact. (Also, she is claiming that she did this before meeting with her dad.)Just sounds fishy that she would waffle around first and then say that. She still is insisting that nothing has happened.

 

I do want to prevent this trial separation from happening, but I feel like I am running out of ways to prevent it. She's been asking for every few days for a couple of weeks, but I just keep kind of avoiding committing to it, and she hasn't made any effort to make it happen. She could easily stay with friends, etc. but she is not doing that. Nor has she said "I want you to move out". I guess she could be bluffing and I could call her bluff, but it seems like there must be another and better way to keep it from happening. What should I do?

[seibert253]

That's kind of my thoughts as well. It is kind of hard for me to believe that she has broken things off with this guy when she is not able to show me any evidence, also, I asked her to break things off before I told her I had emailed him, she was kind of waffling around, then I was like "well, you should know that I emailed him" I told her what the email said, & then that was when she told me she had told him she needed to break contact. (Also, she is claiming that she did this before meeting with her dad.)Just sounds fishy that she would waffle around first and then say that. She still is insisting that nothing has happened.

 

I do want to prevent this trial separation from happening, but I feel like I am running out of ways to prevent it. She's been asking for every few days for a couple of weeks, but I just keep kind of avoiding committing to it, and she hasn't made any effort to make it happen. She could easily stay with friends, etc. but she is not doing that. Nor has she said "I want you to move out". I guess she could be bluffing and I could call her bluff, but it seems like there must be another and better way to keep it from happening. What should I do?

 

Break contact, no END CONTACT. There is a difference. Break contact is that, a break, until she moves out then they can un-break contact. You need to INSIST NO CONTACT, whatsover.

 

Dude, actually your wife sounds wishy washy, like she doesn't truly know what she wants. Deep down she wants a strong man.

 

IMO, you need to man up here and grow a pair. Tell her your expectations on repairing this marriage, because what she's done is her fault, not yours. THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR LYING AND CHEATING, NONE.

 

I would tell her that you love her more than anything in this world, but your tired of her games. Make a decision, Him or Me, you've got 3 days. Stay, repair this marriage, and make it better than before, or leave and pursue your fantasy with this OM. I would tell her her indecisivness is not fair to both of you. You do not need to yell or get angy, but use a tone of voice to let her know you mean business.

 

You need to stop bending over backwards for her, because she does not have your best intrests at heart. She's being very selfish and manipulative. It's time to put YOU FIRST. You need to do what's best for you, not her, not anyone else.

[stillafool]

Another thing, she was probably feeling guilty when her dad was there. Girls don't like to feel like a "bad girl" around their daddies but now that he is gone she's right back at it again. Put your foot down and be the strong man she wants you to be.

[exasperated]

So here's where things are now:

 

As I mentioned, she's met with her Dad, so he knows the full details. He told her Mom everything. She has since talked with her Mom once and is going to talk with her again today, she has talked to several more friends, whom I trust to give her good advice, I've made sure plenty of people know about what was going on with her and the other man, so there is no secret about it. She is claiming she has broken all contact with the other man (I have seen no evidence to the contrary yet, but obviously I am still keeping my eyes peeled).

 

I have made it clear to her that I love her and want things to work but she has to stop the games and needs to be totally honest with me.

 

It looks like one of us is going to be staying with a friend for a few days, to have some time for things to cool down, get some breathing room, etc. We were supposed to be going out of town to a family event next week, but I think I may stay here, so she can go and have time without me in a context where I don't have to worry about the other man. It could also potentially be time for her to talk with her family about it more, without me there. I know they want to see the marriage succeed.

 

I have also made it clear to her that I am going to pursue counseling myself to deal with changes I need to make and ways I need to grow, and asked her again to go to counseling with me, but told her regardless of what she wants, I am still doing this for myself, but if she decides to join me, all the better. (She seems more open to it now than she did before.)

[SRV]

Hope everything works out for you. You are doing the right thing so far. You need to maintain that distance so that she knows that life for you will go on with or without her.

[Windy27]

So here's where things are now:

 

It looks like one of us is going to be staying with a friend for a few days, to have some time for things to cool down, get some breathing room, etc. We were supposed to be going out of town to a family event next week, but I think I may stay here, so she can go and have time without me in a context where I don't have to worry about the other man. It could also potentially be time for her to talk with her family about it more, without me there. I know they want to see the marriage succeed.

 

There is a chance that during the few days of your seperation, that contact with this other man continues and they might even seal the deal at some motel or his place. Keep your eyes open.