Looks like he bailed on me

[Cora]

Yeah, I know it was probably not a very smart move on my part so early in the game. I have just been very secretive with my feelings in the past with guys for fear of rejection. Well, I figured it's better to find out now if i'm going to be rejected rather than later after possibly becoming more attached. I also failed to mention that I slept with this guy the first night we met and that has really been bothering me. I know that wasn't the best decision and it probably hurt me. That is another thing I made clear to him. I wanted to know if this was just about sex for him. He said no he is not that kind of guy by far. We talked about this somewhat before ever meeting as well and he still gave me the same answer.

 

So i'm now thinking that maybe it was all he was after. But I have no one to blame for that but myself. Maybe he just asked me out for that second date out of guilt who knows? Sorry I left that bit of information out before but I have never slept with a guy on a first date and he knows this. He claims he hasn't either. I'm seeing now that this was a huge mistake on my part and if nothing else....I've learned a lesson to not let it happen again. I felt really awkward talking to him today about my feelings so I am done with the contacting. I'll see if he comes around but in the meantime try not to get my hopes up. Thanks guys....you all really do give great advice and I probably should of took it to begin with.

[fishtaco]

I prefer to just have friendships first (a lot of my romantic interests seem to develop from friendships) or go out in bigger groups, rather than one on one.

 

I've heard many women complain about situations where one of their male friends "suddenly" became interested. And sometimes they get pretty annoyed, angry even, and they'd see this situation as the man using friendship as a tactic to gain romance.

 

While it could work, it's similar to dating your co-worker. When you make a move on a friend, there's more at stake. In case of failure, there's more to lose. As opposed to someone you just met. Ok, didn't work out, never see you again, whatever.

 

Reverse the genders, it's similarly bad. Whatever is at stake, is still at stake. So exchanging an existing friendship for romance I feel is generally a bad idea, and should be reserved for special situations as opposed to the normal approach.

 

Even if you have friendship magic and can make this work every time. This is not how most women operate in my past experience. As a man I've been trained not to go there.

 

Back to Cora, this is normal. I'm a guy, so I don't know what men do when they date, but I can tell you how women date - if they disappear, it's not unusual. If they lead you on, it's not unusual. We are all adults, it is our responsibility to identify and filter out the unsuitable ones, as opposed to the unsuitable ones' responsibilities to announce they are unsuitable.

 

So this guy is busy. Maybe it's real, maybe it's an excuse. Like another poster said, go date some other guys while you wait. If this guy comes back, ok, it's up to him to set a date with you and we'll see what happens. You just have to tell him if you're available or not (because you might have a date with the other guys). If not, you've already moved on, so who cares if you never hear from him back.

 

Multi-dating has many benefits.

 

Just my personal opinion.

[gwynieatpain]

He was telling the truth maybe. But then it also means that even if things are getting serious between you two, he will run his own schedule without filling you in.

 

I do think that he's still interested, but I cannot see his availibility for dating.

[electriclove]

This dating malarky is so tough.

It's so hard to know where you stand sometimes, so I can understand why you asked him straight out what was going on.

Unfortunately it sounds like he was just fobbing you off with the 'I'm busy' excuse.

As hard as it it is to admit in this day and age, I think that at the beginning of a a relationship it's the the guy's role to pursue the woman. If they like you enough then they'll do the chasing.

[JeezLouise]

I'd give up on this guy. You have had sex with him on the first date, and he didn't kiss you on the second date.

 

When asked about how he feels about furthering the relationship, he says that, sure, the two of you can go hang out sometime.

 

He just isn't into you. I'm sorry.

 

I at least hope the sex was good!

[paddington bear]

Him: Sure we can go hang out sometime.

 

I'm afraid that little line says it all for me. Forget all the crap about work. We can hang out (note: he didn't say go on another date, or I'll take you out), sometime (note: vague, fuzzy, sometime could be tomorrow, 3 months or never).

 

I've said it before in postings here. I hate the word 'busy' when used by guys that you're seeing - and I've used it too I'm afraid, on occassion, 'gosh I've been so busy! - it's non-specific, covers all, can't really be responded to. You can't reply 'well don't be busy, I want to see you' you just have to accept that that person is 'time-poor'. However, it's the cowards way out.

 

No one is too busy to send a text message or take the time to call you for 5 minutes. A busy man, who is a workaholic could still make the effort to keep in touch and say something like 'I know work is crazy now, I'm just checking in with you so you don't forget about me until I get to see you again'.

[Graduate]

 

Him: Yeah I would like to get to know you a little better also, but you must know I'm a workaholic.

 

Him: Sure we can go hang out sometime.

 

 

I hate to say this, but both statements tell me that he is not that interested in you. First he says he wants to get to know you A LITTLE BETTER. Excuse me, why only a little bit better? And what happens once he knows you a little better? Weird answer.

 

But the second one is the real bummer: We can go hang out sometime!? Not date, but hang out, and not on a particular day, but sometime. I am sorry, but to me that sounds like he is saying, 'okay, if you really want, I guess I can fit you into my busy schedule at some point, if I don't have anything else planned.'

 

To him you are clearly not a priority and while he might agree if you ask him out on a date, my advice would be against you doing this.

 

I am in a situation where for the last 2 months I have always been the one asking a guy out to meet. 95% of the time he accepts, but he doesn't ask me out himself, and I know he dates other people too. So to him I am obviously not a priority, but only a placeholder. And let me tell you that sucks. It hurts a lot because he was the one chasing after me for the first few weeks. I guess he lost interest then, but he did not hate me or anything, so he was still willing to go out whenever he had nothing better planned. I stopped asking him out 3 weeks ago and have not heard a peep from him since.

 

So here is my advice, try to forget him and don't contact him again. Better to break it off now, than 2 months down the line when you are much more emotionally involved.

 

Good luck to you!

[Cora]

Yeah, I was really bummed with his responses he gave me also!! I could read in between the lines that it was just a blow off and he obviously isn't interested. I don't get why he just couldn't come right out and say hey, i'm sorry but no i'm just not that into you. That's all it would of taken. End of story and he would never have to worry about hearing from me again. That is exactly why I was so direct with him and asked are you interested in me? He obviously could not give me a direct answer. He says sure we can go hang out sometime. Well I didn't ask him that. I asked were you interested? I just love how he can beat around the bush.

 

I know being intimate with him on the first date was a big NO NO!! So maybe that is why he is no longer interested in me, I don't know. I just don't get it because that night was great.....and I'm not just talking about the sex. We had great conversation, laughing non stop, kissed me good night and text me on my way home saying he couldn't wait to see me tomorrow. Tomorrow afternoon he text me again making sure I was still going. The second date was a bit awkward because there was no physical contact and I think I may have acted a bit stand-offish. He did make the comment during the movie...."wow it sure is cold in here, I have goosebumps," while rubbing his arms and looking at me. I wasn't sure if that was an invitation to slide a bit closer to him or he was just making conversation. I didn't know how he felt after last night and I really didn't know how to act. After the movie was over I started walking out but he wasn't too far behind me. He catches up to me and makes the comment "oh I see how it is you're just going to make me walk back here all by myself huh?" Like I said the whole date was just really awkward and I'm really shy anyway so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it.

 

So yeah, once the date was over he just hugged me goodbye and said okay I'll talk to you later online. Alright I know I'm repeating myself here but that's when I sent him the text saying I had a great time but wish we could of kissed goodbye. He texts back saying we can make that up next time. Four days go by with no word from him until I see him online the next day so I say hello. We make the usual chit chat....he asks how I was doing etc.. and asks what I thought about last weekend? I told him I had a great time and he said he did as well. Conversation was short because he had to go to bed. A couple days later is when I asked him if he was interested in me. So i'm not sure where things went wrong here or at what point he decided he was no longer interested in me but it's pretty obvious he isn't any longer. Well he doesn't have to worry because I won't be contacting him ever again. It sucks because I really liked him and I thought we connected really well. My mistake I guess. Oh well I guess that's how it goes sometimes but thanks again for all the responses!

[JeezLouise]

It's very hard sometimes to be direct with another person, especially if you think the other person likes you more than you like him/her, and if you think the other person may be a bit nervous/shy/bit low in self-esteem and you don't want to hurt their feelings, or if you are shy enough yourself not to be able to be direct back.

 

Don't think too badly for him trying to be kind, but don't keep yourself open to him anymore, either.

[Cora]

It's very hard sometimes to be direct with another person, especially if you think the other person likes you more than you like him/her, and if you think the other person may be a bit nervous/shy/bit low in self-esteem and you don't want to hurt their feelings, or if you are shy enough yourself not to be able to be direct back.

 

Don't think too badly for him trying to be kind, but don't keep yourself open to him anymore, either.

 

 

Yeah, I know he was probably just trying to be nice and no I don't think badly of him for that but I told him to just be honest with me because I would rather know now if he wasn't really all that interested rather than later. It would save both of us a lot of wasted time. Nice or not if I'm not interested in someone I don't want to give them any kind of false hope.

 

It's funny because in the beginning he seemed to of liked me more than I liked him but after talking to him more he started to grow on me and we just seemed to click. Somewhere along the line something went wrong and he lost interest. He pursued me first but it's like after I started to show the slightest bit of interest he backed off. Yeah, i'm not waiting around on him because it's obvious I'm not on his list of priorities. It would be okay if work really did take up most of his time and he was just being honest with me but somehow I just don't think that is the case.

[BCCA]

Please, I beg of you, ALL of you women...

 

DO NOT SLEEP WITH A GUY ON THE FIRST DATE! If you do, expect him to get wishy washy, or want a FWB. And I dont care that your friends sister's co-worker's aunt (or whoever, we all know 1 person) slept with her boyfriend on the first date and theyve been married 10 years, it doesnt matter. That is such a small percent of people it works out for that its not even worth hoping for.

 

If you give it out without at least waiting a few dates, MINIMUM, we're going to assume thats what you do with everyone, and all of a sudden, that sex and emotional connection doesnt seem so special. Then, we dont think of YOU as being so special, since afterall, you could very well have another date the next day.

 

I understand, the line between prude and prostitute seems very narrow at times, but as long as you avoid the extremes its usually pretty easy to see. Men want to feel like youre having sex with us because we're worthy and you picked us out of the crowd. We dont want to feel like you needed some penis, and we happened to have one. Sure, we'll take the sex...but dont expect it to have any deep meaning beyond how long it takes to finish.

 

Oh, and men will say almost anything to get sex. So, keep that in mind if he's saying all the right things while youre moving toward your bedroom...

[Cora]

Well I assure you that was my first and will be my last time ever sleeping with a guy on a first date! Lesson learned! It's just too bad it was learned too late for this guy. I can only imagine the impression he must have of me now.

[MeMyself&I]

Well I assure you that was my first and will be my last time ever sleeping with a guy on a first date! Lesson learned! It's just too bad it was learned too late for this guy. I can only imagine the impression he must have of me now.

 

Cora, Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes whether it's your circumstance now or some other one.

 

I recently resisted the urge to sleep with the last guy I was seeing for our first two dates....very attracted to him and now haven't heard from him. I guess we can all guess what he was looking for. Maybe I missed some great sex, but I have to feel satisfied in knowing I did what I was comfortable with. So it can go the other way too. Even if you waited you may still not have had a relationship with this guy. It's so "relative". It depends on the guy, the girl, circumstances.

 

You now know after this experience that you are not a "have-sex-on-the-first-date" girl. Accept that, know that and remember it for the future. And by the way, If a girl wants to have sex on the first date there is nothing wrong with it but like someone said on here earlier, know there may be consequences if you do and know whether you can handle them.

 

You sound like a great girl Cora. Let a guy get to know that girl and then introduce the physical side of a relationship.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt/disappointed. I understand. I liked the last "jerk" that tried to play me too! lol

 

Remember.....Their Loss!!

[Cora]

Cora, Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes whether it's your circumstance now or some other one.

 

I recently resisted the urge to sleep with the last guy I was seeing for our first two dates....very attracted to him and now haven't heard from him. I guess we can all guess what he was looking for. Maybe I missed some great sex, but I have to feel satisfied in knowing I did what I was comfortable with. So it can go the other way too. Even if you waited you may still not have had a relationship with this guy. It's so "relative". It depends on the guy, the girl, circumstances.

 

You now know after this experience that you are not a "have-sex-on-the-first-date" girl. Accept that, know that and remember it for the future. And by the way, If a girl wants to have sex on the first date there is nothing wrong with it but like someone said on here earlier, know there may be consequences if you do and know whether you can handle them.

 

You sound like a great girl Cora. Let a guy get to know that girl and then introduce the physical side of a relationship.

 

I'm sorry you were hurt/disappointed. I understand. I liked the last "jerk" that tried to play me too! lol

 

Remember.....Their Loss!!

 

Thanks! I really appreciate that. Yeah, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm just going to learn from this experience and move on. I gave him the wrong impression of me and now it's kind of too late to take it back which sucks because he seemed like a great guy. I'm actually quite shocked at myself for allowing myself to be placed in this situation. I don't regret sleeping with him. I only regret doing so too soon before getting to know him better. I guess I kind of got my hopes up too soon when he wanted to see me again after sleeping with me. I thought wow maybe I haven't screwed this up yet and he may actually be interested in me. I guess I was wrong. I guess you never can tell how it could go but I def agree that it's best to wait at the very least a few dates in before sleeping with someone. I wont make the same mistake again. Thanks again for your response.