Understanding my MM

[GreenEyedLady]

I know he will not want to hurt me on purpose.

 

Who cares if he wouldn't want to hurt you:

 

HE DID!

 

You need to stop making excuses for him. Accept that he will ring you when it is easy for him and don't expect more. Then you won't get hurt.

 

He's not going anywhere with these actions.

 

Please make him pay for this. If you don't, you'll get more of the same.

[tami-chan]

Perhaps the reason is that my marriage was over months before I fell in love. I have told my husband I do not love him. He is free to leave but he chooses not to. I have not told him that I subsequently fell for someone else. This is not the reason. I was not in love with him when I fell for mm. As for previous posters, I do not expect to be mm's priority. Does that make me stupid? I would not call him if it would cause suspicion either even though I am desperately in love with him.

 

No not stupid...just really expendable. You are selling yourself short. You should leave him alone. You are way too available for him and he does not value you like you should be valued.

[SoleMate]

dump him dump him dump him dump him dump him

 

DUMP HIM DUMP HIM DUMP HIM DUMP HIM

 

DUMP HIM DUMP HIM DUMP DUMP DUMP HIMMMMMMM

 

Is any of this making any sense?

[delirious]

Yes, i have moved on slightly, my last words to him were, when he did not apologise but ranted to me how stressful this all was "have a nice life" and then I put the phone down. Now I am regretting it..... but hopefully it will get easier.

[ednadean]

yay! good stuff.

Now you just have to stay strong -- and remember that if he was ranting about his own problems -- he doesn't sound all the empathetic to yours. Not exactly ideal for a life-partner.

 

hang in there -- and remember we're here for you.

 

this is definitely a good step fwd. DEFINITELY don't contact him. If he contacts you, ignore, or keep things super cool, calm and curt. Don't fall back into his arms (he might go a little crazy when he knows your not available) -- but if you do the horrible game will start again.

 

Just stay cool and in control. You can do this It might surprise him that he doesn't have someone beckoning at his heels -- but he's had two prizes long enough.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, i have moved on slightly, my last words to him were, when he did not apologise but ranted to me how stressful this all was "have a nice life" and then I put the phone down. Now I am regretting it..... but hopefully it will get easier.

 

Don't regret it. Mourn it, accept it, and start your healing process. Even if you think you've made a mistake, you haven't. You've set yourself free of the affair rollercoaster and won't be treated like second fiddle anymore!

[delirious]

Thanks for that, I kept my pride, lost the love of my life.

[dobler33]

Thanks for that, I kept my pride, lost the love of my life.

 

and i know that sounds like a crap bargain at the moment. stay with the addiction metaphor. yes, you can take methadone to get off junk but that doesn't make ALL the pain and withdrawal go away. it is going to hurt, my dear. it is going to hurt like a rabid b*tch. but not only are you already hurting, but you are taking repeated kicks to the self-esteem every time he doesn't call. i won't tell you that he doesn't care, because that will only make you go searching your memory for data to prove me wrong, which will only keep you locked in an addictive embrace with all those feel-good chemicals. pretend i'm sitting in front of you and look me in the eyes: it doesn't matter if he cares or not. this is hurting you. that is all that matters. and the only thing you CAN control is what you do. you can't control whether or not he calls, you can't control whether or not he cares. i know it feels like all the control you ever had is floating up sh*t creek without a paddle, but you still have it. girl, i truly wish you and i could go out on the p*ss for a night and hash this all out. where are your girlfriends, honey? do they know what you're going through or have you isolated yourself in an attempt to keep the big secret? let someone take care of you, if only for a little while.

[tami-chan]

Thanks for that, I kept my pride, lost the love of my life.

 

Sometimes, it is easier to handle the lost of the love of your life when your pride is still intact. I know it doesn't seem possible. But try to imagine, losing your pride AND losing the love of your life......worse, right? I say that because the way the situation is unfolding, it looks like you were going to lose both.

[delirious]

Thanks everyone for the support, I do have girlfriends who support me, but it is better to speak to those with direct experience, it does help. Otherwise it just feels like sympathy - better someone that understands how it feels. If I could just get him out of my head, (he is just there all the time) then I will start to get over this.

[Owl]

Thanks for that, I kept my pride, lost the love of my life.

 

Not sure how old you are, Delirious, but experience has told me that we rarely have ONE "love our lives".

 

I'm curious...where are you at on your marriage at this point? I ask, because I can recall my wife being angry with me for the exact reason you mentioned above...I "caused her to lose the love of her life", by not supporting her choice to leave me to explore her chances with OM.

 

As I've mentioned, that was five years ago, and out marriage has recovered wonderfully since then.

 

Right now, it sounds to me like you're still in the fog, and still in the withdrawl stages.

 

Give it more time...keep NC in place...and THEN see where things stand.

[ednadean]

Sometimes, it is easier to handle the lost of the love of your life when your pride is still intact. I know it doesn't seem possible. But try to imagine, losing your pride AND losing the love of your life......worse, right? I say that because the way the situation is unfolding, it looks like you were going to lose both.

 

 

tamichan -- that's such a good pt!

[delirious]

Not sure how old you are, Delirious, but experience has told me that we rarely have ONE "love our lives".

 

I'm curious...where are you at on your marriage at this point? I ask, because I can recall my wife being angry with me for the exact reason you mentioned above...I "caused her to lose the love of her life", by not supporting her choice to leave me to explore her chances with OM.

 

As I've mentioned, that was five years ago, and out marriage has recovered wonderfully since then.

 

Right now, it sounds to me like you're still in the fog, and still in the withdrawl stages.

 

Give it more time...keep NC in place...and THEN see where things stand.

I am mid life crisis age. Lots of experience, did not get married early. My H knows, I have told him that i no longer love him (my H), he thinks i am in MLC mode. He loves me. I told him i would not blame him if he left. I did want him to, i feel i have been honest enough, i don't know now what to do. I am in the fog, i can't stop the tears. Maybe it will come back, what i felt for him before, i can't see it right now. He said he blames himself some for neglecting me for two years, he did, I fell out of love with him before MM.

[Owl]

I am mid life crisis age. Lots of experience, did not get married early. My H knows, I have told him that i no longer love him (my H), he thinks i am in MLC mode. He loves me. I told him i would not blame him if he left. I did want him to, i feel i have been honest enough, i don't know now what to do. I am in the fog, i can't stop the tears. Maybe it will come back, what i felt for him before, i can't see it right now. He said he blames himself some for neglecting me for two years, he did, I fell out of love with him before MM.

 

Good on you for being honest with your H about all of this.

 

What you describe is 'standard script'...I can completely understand what you're going through right now.

 

I'd like to offer you two things to consider at this point.

 

First, please realize that even your own memories of your marriage are suspect right now. It's called "re-writing marital history"...it's a common phenomena with WS's. My wife did this during her own affair. She'd claimed that she'd been unhappy for YEARS...I could see where she'd not been happy in a year, but not in years. I won't bore you with details, but the bottomline was that her memories (at that time) didn't match those of ANYONE else who'd known her or us. Even as we recovered...as she came out of the fog...her memories gradually shifted so that they matched much closer to what we (everyone else) could recall. My point is...you may feel you haven't been in love with your H for a long time...but later, as the fog clears, your own memory of this may change over time.

 

At this point, you've got no rush to make a decision. There's no reason why you can't/shouldn't give your husband and marriage the chance to see if things can recover/improve. OM/MM is out of the picture...he's not pressuring you to make a choice. You stand to lose nothing by waiting to see if your feelings can return.

 

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley? While it's mostly aimed at BS's, but there's tons of useful information in there that you can use to help see how things can/should run for you in this.

[HisSweetThing]

Not sure how old you are, Delirious, but experience has told me that we rarely have ONE "love our lives".

 

QUOTE]

 

I'm 42. I did get married early - at the age of 20. I did not have a lot of experience before. But my MM is the "love of my life". I have fallen in love for the first time at my age! One of the things that scares me to death is the thought that this is it. I will never ever feel this way again. That's why I am holding onto hope. That's why I can't stop.

[delirious]

Owl thank you, but I can not get my head around that right now, i cannot believe that i have been living in a fantasy world and rewriting my marriage. My husband admits that he neglected me for some time. I needed to feel love and I felt it alright, i also felt pain beyond what i ever recall. I guess the two go hand in hand. You settle for a, dare i say, run of the mill kind of love, a sort of companion type love, which most do, or you want the passion and the excitement of another kind of love, a totally head banging experience. If you believe we can fall for the love of our life many times, then you must also believe that there are many ways to fall. If you have never experienced this kind of love, and i can only relate it to my first ever love, then i feel sorry for you. I think you are probably like my H, and I do not mean this negatlively, i am glad you can be like that and be happy, but you may never have experienced this kind of love, ever. HST and myself have experienced this and it has been heartbreaking, but amazing. I do not regret this, even if it is the last time - it has been an out of this world experience which i will never forget and i doubt my MM will either. So do you not think you are missing something? You may never know.

[Owl]

Owl thank you, but I can not get my head around that right now, i cannot believe that i have been living in a fantasy world and rewriting my marriage. My husband admits that he neglected me for some time. I needed to feel love and I felt it alright, i also felt pain beyond what i ever recall. I guess the two go hand in hand. You settle for a, dare i say, run of the mill kind of love, a sort of companion type love, which most do, or you want the passion and the excitement of another kind of love, a totally head banging experience. If you believe we can fall for the love of our life many times, then you must also believe that there are many ways to fall. If you have never experienced this kind of love, and i can only relate it to my first ever love, then i feel sorry for you. I think you are probably like my H, and I do not mean this negatlively, i am glad you can be like that and be happy, but you may never have experienced this kind of love, ever. HST and myself have experienced this and it has been heartbreaking, but amazing. I do not regret this, even if it is the last time - it has been an out of this world experience which i will never forget and i doubt my MM will either. So do you not think you are missing something? You may never know.

 

What makes you say that I "settled" for ANY kind of love?!?!

 

I'd tell you that both my wife and I believe we've got the kind of love, the kind of marriage, that most people DREAM of.

 

I've got another reading suggestion for you, my friend. Read chapter #3 of "The Five Love Languages". Specifically focus on the "types" or "stages" of love that it describes.

 

What you're describing is the "falling in love" stage of a relationship. That stage has a biological imperative...the "overwhelming love" of that stage is designed to draw a couple together and keep them together through the conception and birth of a child.

 

THAT PHASE WAS NEVER INTENDED TO LAST.

 

Love typically begins morphing shortly after the 2 year mark (sometimes earlier, sometimes later). It starts to "calm down" a bit...it slowly changes into a "long term love" that is much different. It's not as 'overwhelming', it doesn't cause the heart to race, the pulse to pound, etc... It's a love based on a deeper understanding between the two, formed during the first few years of marriage. It's a love based equally on friendship...and it's a more lasting version of love that's intended to keep the couple together through raising their children to adulthood.

 

Some people never learn how to identify that 'second stage' as love. They become addicted to the endorphin release of the earlier stages...they become addicted to the 'in love' stage of a relationship, and never learn how to maintain a long term love relationship.

 

I absolutely went through that "in love" phase with my wife...and we periodically go through similar 'waves' in our feelings for each other, just like any other long term relationship does.

 

I suspect you're making a number of assumptions about my relationship with my wife, based on a dislike of my advice and viewpoints as they don't support what you WANT, vs. reality.

 

Again...if you doubt my advice/views...do some research on your own. Take a look at the books I've referenced...do some good web research.

 

At this point...my advice still stands tho. What you had with OM is done...finito. Mourn the loss of that relationship, but be smart enough not to burn bridges with your H yet. Once you get through the withdrawl of the loss of OM...then start looking around to see where things are at.

[HisSweetThing]

What makes you say that I "settled" for ANY kind of love?!?!

 

I'd tell you that both my wife and I believe we've got the kind of love, the kind of marriage, that most people DREAM of.

 

I've got another reading suggestion for you, my friend. Read chapter #3 of "The Five Love Languages". Specifically focus on the "types" or "stages" of love that it describes.

 

What you're describing is the "falling in love" stage of a relationship. That stage has a biological imperative...the "overwhelming love" of that stage is designed to draw a couple together and keep them together through the conception and birth of a child.

 

THAT PHASE WAS NEVER INTENDED TO LAST.

 

Love typically begins morphing shortly after the 2 year mark (sometimes earlier, sometimes later). It starts to "calm down" a bit...it slowly changes into a "long term love" that is much different. It's not as 'overwhelming', it doesn't cause the heart to race, the pulse to pound, etc... It's a love based on a deeper understanding between the two, formed during the first few years of marriage. It's a love based equally on friendship...and it's a more lasting version of love that's intended to keep the couple together through raising their children to adulthood.

 

Some people never learn how to identify that 'second stage' as love. They become addicted to the endorphin release of the earlier stages...they become addicted to the 'in love' stage of a relationship, and never learn how to maintain a long term love relationship.

 

I absolutely went through that "in love" phase with my wife...and we periodically go through similar 'waves' in our feelings for each other, just like any other long term relationship does.

 

I suspect you're making a number of assumptions about my relationship with my wife, based on a dislike of my advice and viewpoints as they don't support what you WANT, vs. reality.

 

Again...if you doubt my advice/views...do some research on your own. Take a look at the books I've referenced...do some good web research.

 

At this point...my advice still stands tho. What you had with OM is done...finito. Mourn the loss of that relationship, but be smart enough not to burn bridges with your H yet. Once you get through the withdrawl of the loss of OM...then start looking around to see where things are at.

 

Owl,

I am happy that you are happy in your marriage. Maybe you and your wife had/have the kind of love I'm experiencing, maybe you didn't/don't. I never had it with my H. When I married him, I thought I was being smart. I thought I was making a good choice. I loved him, but I didn't realize that I wasn't in love with him. I didn't know the difference. My feelings didn't change at all after 2 years. I felt the same as I had when we got married - maybe because I wasn't really feeling what I should have been when we married? I don't want to give Delirious poor advice. I just want her to know that I understand how she feels. I hope her marriage can be repaired and that she can be happy. I don't think I can ever settle for less than the feeling I have right now with MM. I don't think it will ever disappear or change or fade. But, I'll let you know in another year and a half!

[HisSweetThing]

Owl thank you, but I can not get my head around that right now, i cannot believe that i have been living in a fantasy world and rewriting my marriage. My husband admits that he neglected me for some time. I needed to feel love and I felt it alright, i also felt pain beyond what i ever recall. I guess the two go hand in hand. You settle for a, dare i say, run of the mill kind of love, a sort of companion type love, which most do, or you want the passion and the excitement of another kind of love, a totally head banging experience. If you believe we can fall for the love of our life many times, then you must also believe that there are many ways to fall. If you have never experienced this kind of love, and i can only relate it to my first ever love, then i feel sorry for you. I think you are probably like my H, and I do not mean this negatlively, i am glad you can be like that and be happy, but you may never have experienced this kind of love, ever. HST and myself have experienced this and it has been heartbreaking, but amazing. I do not regret this, even if it is the last time - it has been an out of this world experience which i will never forget and i doubt my MM will either. So do you not think you are missing something? You may never know.

 

When I told my husband that passion is what has been missing from our marriage, he didn't understand the concept. He asked what I meant by passion? He couldn't comprehend what I was saying. I told him I was sad for him that he has never experienced it. He came back later and said that he had - with me, but if he didn't get it right away and if he had to think about it, he's never really had it. That's why I worry about never finding it again. I wonder how many people have never experienced it. No matter what happens between me and MM, I will never regret any of it. I have truly lived in his arms.

[OpenBook]

HST, you DO realize that if you had ended up with your OP, that eventually you'd go thru the same thing with him as you are now going thru with your H... boredom, listlessness, lack of passion... right????????????

 

And you don't seem to be taking any responsibility for the current state of your M. You seem to be looking at your H like it's all his fault. Why is that?

 

You also seem to be conveniently forgetting the passion you initially felt for your H in the first stages of your relationship with him. Or are you claiming there never was any????

[OpenBook]

And I just now realized that HST is not the OP who started this thread. My apologies!!

[Heather1]

The logic is Owl. He is right about the stages of love & how to rebuild a marriage after the fact. Basically, if you want to rebuild your M you have to let go.

 

And then there's your feelings....totally valid & I'm right w/ ya on the MLC ride sister. Actually, I relate to your whole story because I'm in the exact same boat!! I haven't told my H I don't love him, but after years of him being injured and attending a funeral a weekend for the past few years, I need & crave the OM. My H knows, OM doesn't know my H knows. My H wants us to stay married, so he says he wants me to be happy. I can SO relate to the intensity of it all & it's so much more passion than I've ever had in my life you can't tell me that's false. I also wouldn't have passed it by, no matter the pain. The OM & I have both talked about that. Having lost a lot of friends to death, I'm on a "life is short" thing too. Part of what mid-life is all about?? But really, I see a future w/ my H & I don't see one w/ OM. I'm the one who probably wants my cake & eat it too. My problem is the OM is feeling incredibly guilty, and I don't want that for him.

 

Don't ignore what Owl is saying about this stuff. I've read a lot about it and it's made me feel calmer & that I'm human. This would have never happened if I wasn't vulnerable to it. There's also logic to how men are wired as opposed to women. Men & women are SO different in this & it's been a long time since you've dated. It's all the chase!!! Make yourself available, and you can forget it. Every time I'm a little desperate, my OM backs off BIG TIME. It probably triggers the fact that they'll get caught. Sit tight and move on. The only way I've figured out to do this is that every talk, email, etc. needs to be initiated by him & could be my last. That way, days will go by & I'm super busy & hearing from him is a nice surprise. Let him do the chasing & take the lead.

 

But I totally experience everything you're saying. I've been going back & forth for months but he hasn't seen me break a sweat.

[Owl]

I don't want to T/J Delirious's thread, but I want to pose a question to you, Heather1.

 

What would happen if your H suddenly "blew up" on you over this?

 

If he came home tonite with preliminary D papers in hand, and told you point blank that he was DONE with trying to convince you to stay.

 

That you make up your mind, right now...this moment...one way or another.

 

And laid the D papers on the table in front of you...and sat back and crossed his arms waiting for a response?

 

What would you do?

 

Frankly, I think this same thought is something that Delirious needs to consider too.

 

Because it might happen. It could happen TODAY.

 

I know...because frankly, after months of my wife's indecision between rebuilding our marriage, or continuing to try to keep contact with OM "just as friends", this is exactly what she was faced with.

 

At some point...you WILL be forced to decide.

 

I know what my wife chose...but what would YOU choose?

 

And frankly...I'd seriously suggest that both Delirious and Heather consider this post...think about what they'd choose and why...and take that decision home and implement in thier lives, today.

[cheatingheart]

When I told my husband that passion is what has been missing from our marriage, he didn't understand the concept. He asked what I meant by passion? He couldn't comprehend what I was saying. I told him I was sad for him that he has never experienced it. He came back later and said that he had - with me, but if he didn't get it right away and if he had to think about it, he's never really had it. That's why I worry about never finding it again. I wonder how many people have never experienced it. No matter what happens between me and MM, I will never regret any of it. I have truly lived in his arms.

 

I also "fell in love for the first time" at the age of 39, and until it happens, you have no idea what you've never felt before. I've had typical silly crushes and have definitely even been in love before, more than once, and I'd been in a happy marriage for over 14 years when I met the "love of my life," and nothing prepares you for it and no rationalization matters and any risk is worth it. If you've never felt it, like Owl, you can't imagine it exists, it sounds stupid and ridiculous and immature - it sounds like a giddy 13 yr old. Until it happened to me I'd spent my whole life being the one rolling my eyes at crap like that. That wasn't real love, that was some kind of cotton candy fantasy world. But once you feel it? Nothing else matters. And for me, after four years it hasn't faded at all. But because of the way my life had already been built up before then, there is no good solution. There are other people to consider, and there's nothing that can make everything fine for everyone. Because as soon as you've had those feelings for someone else you're screwed - even if you don't act on them and you stay put and follow all the rules, your heart is somewhere else so you're already giving someone else less than they 'deserve'. Betrayed spouses accuse the cheater of being selfish, but I think in cases when it's this kind of ridiculous thunderbolt true love, if the cheater were being selfish he or she would be gone immediately. If they're not it's probably because they're considering other people's feelings. From reading the comments of betrayed spouses on here, it seems like they look at it as "unfair" for the OW/M to take away something that's theirs, or unfair for the WS to to be giving someone else what's theirs. But in some cases they're demanding to have something back that they never had in the first place. I've never felt this way before, about anyone. I've never 'belonged' to anyone the way I 'belong' to my AP, and Owl can cite as many scientific or psychological or sociological facts and studies as he wants to but they won't matter to anyone whose feelings are a different reality. His wife may never have felt this way about her OM, and if she didn't that's good news for Owl, because maybe that way she can swap out partners no problem. She can 'choose' who to love. I realize that some people who have affairs are just in it for the excitement, and some are indiscriminate, and some are getting revenge, and some are just looking for an ego boost... but some of us are really, truly, head-over-heels, crazy in love with one very specific special person who also happens to be very inconvenient. And that's really hard. And not just for the betrayed spouse.

 

And sometimes, like in this case, yeah, maybe the other person doesn't even have the same reciprocal feelings, maybe it's not as intense, maybe he doesn't call as often as he should or have the amount of empathy that he should, but that doesn't necessarily change the feelings of the person in love or make the choice feel very much clearer or less confusing. Sometimes it makes it even more confusing. Some of the most important things in life can't be intellectualized.

[Owl]

I also "fell in love for the first time" at the age of 39, and until it happens, you have no idea what you've never felt before. I've had typical silly crushes and have definitely even been in love before, more than once, and I'd been in a happy marriage for over 14 years when I met the "love of my life," and nothing prepares you for it and no rationalization matters and any risk is worth it. If you've never felt it, like Owl, you can't imagine it exists, it sounds stupid and ridiculous and immature - it sounds like a giddy 13 yr old. Until it happened to me I'd spent my whole life being the one rolling my eyes at crap like that. That wasn't real love, that was some kind of cotton candy fantasy world. But once you feel it? Nothing else matters. And for me, after four years it hasn't faded at all. But because of the way my life had already been built up before then, there is no good solution. There are other people to consider, and there's nothing that can make everything fine for everyone. Because as soon as you've had those feelings for someone else you're screwed - even if you don't act on them and you stay put and follow all the rules, your heart is somewhere else so you're already giving someone else less than they 'deserve'. Betrayed spouses accuse the cheater of being selfish, but I think in cases when it's this kind of ridiculous thunderbolt true love, if the cheater were being selfish he or she would be gone immediately. If they're not it's probably because they're considering other people's feelings. From reading the comments of betrayed spouses on here, it seems like they look at it as "unfair" for the OW/M to take away something that's theirs, or unfair for the WS to to be giving someone else what's theirs. But in some cases they're demanding to have something back that they never had in the first place. I've never felt this way before, about anyone. I've never 'belonged' to anyone the way I 'belong' to my AP, and Owl can cite as many scientific or psychological or sociological facts and studies as he wants to but they won't matter to anyone whose feelings are a different reality. His wife may never have felt this way about her OM, and if she didn't that's good news for Owl, because maybe that way she can swap out partners no problem. She can 'choose' who to love. I realize that some people who have affairs are just in it for the excitement, and some are indiscriminate, and some are getting revenge, and some are just looking for an ego boost... but some of us are really, truly, head-over-heels, crazy in love with one very specific special person who also happens to be very inconvenient. And that's really hard. And not just for the betrayed spouse.

 

And sometimes, like in this case, yeah, maybe the other person doesn't even have the same reciprocal feelings, maybe it's not as intense, maybe he doesn't call as often as he should or have the amount of empathy that he should, but that doesn't necessarily change the feelings of the person in love or make the choice feel very much clearer or less confusing. Sometimes it makes it even more confusing. Some of the most important things in life can't be intellectualized.

 

Again...how in the heck would anyone here KNOW that I've not felt that way, or don't feel that way about my wife?!?!?!

 

It's a repeated ASSUMPTION.

 

And...I'd challenge you, or Delirious...please...hook up with your "true love", spend 22 years married to them, and then come back and talk to me about what your feelings are and have been for the entire duration of your relationship.

 

Until then, I'd challenge that none of you could possibly know what the differences are between an "in-love morphing into long-term love" and "just settling". I can absolutely say that I've not "settled" for my wife...after 22 years of marriage. The love we share is amazing.

 

No one's feelings here are "a different reality".

 

We're all humans. We all share the same basic psychological makeup, unless something has traumatized a person so greatly that they no longer work like the rest of humanity.

 

I think the only reason that you can't "intellectualize" something like this is because it's impossible to explain something to someone who unequivocally wants to deny what they're being told. To sit here and scream that I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, that the people who have researched and studied this (and may have even experienced the same feelings you describe), to claim that "no one else can understand" is simple denial, and nothing more.

 

Again...you're "in true love" now...talk to me five years into your marriage to your "true love", and show me how I'm wrong.

 

I'm 22 years into marriage with my "true love".