tami-chan Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I agree. We were talking about how WSs are treated, not forgiveness. I merely mentioned the factors I see as needed to be forgiven as representative of the type of demonstrations of remorse from a Ws that, typically, elicit a more sympathetic response from BS posters. Like I said, if the WSs are not behaving like how the BSs on the board think they should then whatever feelings they have are overlooked. They just get slammed and flamed. I know for a fact that as a BS I have not behaved like a normal BS should (at least not on the board) but I have poured my heart out to someone,in the only way I know how and even then that was not enough. Some BSs are emotional bullies like that. They want you broken like them.
Reggie Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Maybe some react strongly. But cheating is abusive. Tough to be terribly sympathetic to an abuser who has no remorse.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Maybe some react strongly. But cheating is abusive. Tough to be terribly sympathetic to an abuser who has no remorse. BINGO!!! That's like when a serial killer or a sociopath kills and never feels remorse? You wonder why the hell do I feel sorry for this guy? How can we as betrayed spouses feel symapthy for people who intentionally hurt others with their actions? Especially when they are so adamant knowing they are doing wrong but just dont care. as long as they're ego get's stroked. Bottom line I dont sympathize with people who willingly cheat on their spouses and not have compassion or remorse for their actions. I mean damn that's like insult to injury. You just dont get IT do you tami? Some people will not forgive cheating or being cheated on ever!
tami-chan Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Bottom line I dont sympathize with people who willingly cheat on their spouses and not have compassion or remorse for their actions. I mean damn that's like insult to injury. You just dont get IT do you tami? Some people will not forgive cheating or being cheated on ever! I actually get you, Chrome (more than I care) and I actually get it, too....the point we are discussing here is-you might have missed it:rolleyes: or at least part of the discussion is---why do BSs like yourself post on OW/WS/OM thread when you have nothing to tell them but how you hate them? Just so you can spread your venom? I mean, really..is there anthing else? Oh I get, because you can and you want to...
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I actually get you, Chrome (more than I care) and I actually get it, too....the point we are discussing here is-you might have missed it:rolleyes: or at least part of the discussion is---why do BSs like yourself post on OW/WS/OM thread when you have nothing to tell them but how you hate them? Just so you can spread your venom? I mean, really..is there anthing else? Oh I get, because you can and you want to... LMFAO! I dont hate everybody... Venom, so being truthful about doing wrong things in life is venom? Really? if I dont stand up and be a voice in the darkness then who will? who will say what someone is doing is wrong? You? LOL. I actually think that a dissenting voice is very helpful.
tami-chan Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 LMFAO! I dont hate everybody... Venom, so being truthful about doing wrong things in life is venom? Really? if I dont stand up and be a voice in the darkness then who will? who will say what someone is doing is wrong? You? LOL. I actually think that a dissenting voice is very helpful. you only hate me. I get it...LOL, Let me put you on ignore.
boldjack Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Tami, I don't think that any ow/om, or ws , will ever get "flamed" as long as they are honest. Having said that , BS's have every right to call them on it , when they aren't. The BS's, who are still bitter and "venomous" are just venting and as long as they don't get personal, should be tolerated.. As an ex OM, I guess I feel a lot of compassion for them.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 you only hate me. I get it...LOL, Let me put you on ignore. Say what you want, it is what it is... lol.
HeidiB125 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I think its more perspective. I don't (or try not to) hate the OW but I hate what she did...what she allowed. I feel the same about my husband. That is how I feel when I'm calm and pretty non emotional. However...when I hear excuses, justification, or anything else that might be said other than total responsibility and remorse...FLAME ON!!!! I'm not proud of that either. The names that I call the OW are so reprehensible to me. I'm like a wounded animal lashing out at anything to make myself feel better. I've always been so kind, wanting to forgive, trusting....I'm in a battle for my life here, for who I want to be...who I used to be. I think that if OW/OM could actually see the damage and hurt that they caused they would walk slowly backwards from the bloody, horrendous scene and be forever changed for it.
OpenBook Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 From everything I've read on these boards, I firmly believe that it is part of the BS's healing process to vilify the OP. It makes it easier to forgive the WS (takes some of the guilt load off both of them - the WS for cheating; and the BS for accepting any responsibility for the state of the M that led up to the cheating, or her own poor choice of life partner in the first place) and keep on going with the M. It doesn't make it right or wrong. Just makes it easier for them.
jj33 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Maddiesue I understand that you were hurt but I hope you dont mean that you feel you have the right to flame people on the OW board. They are not the ones who interfered in YOUR marriage. And you have no right to flame any of us. If nothing else its against the rules of hte forum. If it upsets you, then simply dont read those threads. The OW board is not meant as an incitement to your pain, its purpose is to provide a forum for OPs, whether you think they deserve it or not.
lostsunsets Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 CinK, That quote is in the bible. But even Jesus separated adultery as the only sin that a person could divorce over. Not has to. But can. The funny thing is, coming here and complaining about the way people deal with others who have or are committing adultery is like going to a fish market and complaining about the smell. It goes with the territory.
HeidiB125 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 No, I understand that. To be honest I don't usually read the OW/OM forum as it does get my blood boiling at times. When I say "flame on" I don't mean it as a PERSONAL attack. You are what you are and lest I not be politically correct I wouldn't want to infringe on your rights to be so. I may say something that the person does not WANT to hear about their actions. Believe it or not, I've had times where I have felt compassion for the OW in my husband's life. First, her character is severly flawed, to even enter into an affair AND she must have been very dissatisfied with her own choice of a husband to even look at my husband as being a better man.
bentnotbroken Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Yes, but you are one to see all the different viewpoints of the A. You tend to understand what the OW might have been thinking and feeling based on what your WH told her. Most BS's don't have that kind of perspective and understanding. (By 'understanding', I am not saying accepting). So, those BS's who demanded 'all or nothing' and would never take back and forgive a cheater tend to be the ones who throw the stones. Raising my hand here:bunny:or ear. Forgiveness and reconciling aren't synonymous. Forgiveness means I don't want to punish you, hold you hostage to offending incident for life, or to make sure you never forget it. Forgiveness is me freeing my life to accept the blessings that wait for me. I can't accept those blessings if I am hanging on to the offender or the incident. Wanting to move on had nothing to do with me forgiving, but everything to do with trust and wanting to save myself. My life was in jeopardy. Not just because he cheated and put me at risk, but because my mental and emotional health was at stake. My health was failing, I had to get away from the toxic nature of the relationship. No marriage can survive without trust. I couldn't spend my life wondering if I was being lied to again. If I couldn't tell when he was lying during my entire relationship, how would I tell in the future. God didn't say I had to stay, he said I had to forgive, and I did.
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 CinK, That quote is in the bible. But even Jesus separated adultery as the only sin that a person could divorce over. Not has to. But can. The funny thing is, coming here and complaining about the way people deal with others who have or are committing adultery is like going to a fish market and complaining about the smell. It goes with the territory. I'm not "complaining about how people act"....I am merely pointing out a fact of this site. I don't get it. But it happens. I've had someone on here tell me that they feel sorry for my husband for taking me back. Sheesh. Like that person knows my situation. No, they don't. So, that's kind of my point. Tossing around comments like that are not helpful. Especially when an "IN GENERAL" question is tossed up for discussion. That There's All I'm Sayin... It would be like if I were to SLAM someone for NEVER forgiving, or leaving their cheating spouse. That's wrong too & I would never say that. Now, I do feel sorry for people who let a situation like this eat at them for the rest of their entire lives & can't manage to find happiness because of what someone else did TO them....(I still believe it's not what we did TO our spouses, but what we did it FOR ourselves, right, wrong, or indifferent-just my opinion) But everyone is different & make the decisions based on their particular situation.
OWoman Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Tami, I don't think that any ow/om, or ws , will ever get "flamed" as long as they are honest . BJ you're new around here so probably haven't noticed it, but many of us have lived through being flamed and worse, exactly because we've BEEN honest! Because we refuse to pretend to be what we're not and comply with what some posters here expect us to be, to fit their world view. Not everyone shares the right-wing morally puritan view of some of the more aggressive posters here. Some of us have different, but equally robust, value systems, and their screaming at us and calling us whores and rubbishes and spawn of satan won't change that - it must makes us laugh at them and wonder how they convince their bank managers they're adult enough to qualify for a home loan. Other posters here - including some BSs - take a very different approach, more rational, more engaging, more nuanced - and their points of view can be very valuable. It's just a pity that the hate brigade always feel the need to charge in with cannons blazing as if this was a 12year old's tv show.
soserious1 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Still, many BSs cannot allow themselves to be kind to fellow posters who are WSs because they only see the label, the "A" dangling from the neck. They ignore the fact that there are real feelings involved....pain, suffering,confusion. They are consumed by their own bitter experiences that to them no WS deserves kindness or true friendship for that matter. I gave a WS my kindness and true friendship.. he repaid me by using me as a meal ticket and cheating on me with women from craig's list. I don't feel that WS belong in hell or any such thing.. what I do think is that once D day comes and a BS decides that the marriage isn't worth trying to save that a WS should respect that. Why the constant need for WS to gain acceptance from BS here, why is it on us to provide warmth, comfort and a safe place to land ?
soserious1 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 BJ you're new around here so probably haven't noticed it, but many of us have lived through being flamed and worse, exactly because we've BEEN honest! Because we refuse to pretend to be what we're not and comply with what some posters here expect us to be, to fit their world view. Not everyone shares the right-wing morally puritan view of some of the more aggressive posters here. Some of us have different, but equally robust, value systems, and their screaming at us and calling us whores and rubbishes and spawn of satan won't change that - it must makes us laugh at them and wonder how they convince their bank managers they're adult enough to qualify for a home loan. Other posters here - including some BSs - take a very different approach, more rational, more engaging, more nuanced - and their points of view can be very valuable. It's just a pity that the hate brigade always feel the need to charge in with cannons blazing as if this was a 12year old's tv show. Unfortunately, many WS also subscribed to those "right wing morally puritan views" that you're denouncing here. My ex would have probably have beaten me to death if I'd decided to claim the right to cruise craig's list for men to bed in the same way that he cruised for women. From what I've seen most WS love the idea of an open marriage... sadly though they neglect to inform their spouses of this or to allow us an equal chance to eat from the same cake that they are enjoying. I've got no beef with alternate life styles, I do have a problem with lies, gaslighting and blame shifting. You don't want monogamy? great, as long as you are 100 % honest and clear with your spouse on this, I have zero problem with it.
pparrott Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Why the constant need for WS to gain acceptance from BS here, why is it on us to provide warmth, comfort and a safe place to land ? I don't think anyone is trying to "Gain" acceptance. I think that they are just here to vent. Same as you. Bounce ideas off of one another. Get guidence when legitimate questions are asked. I know some people always have to be right. It's not a matter of being right or wrong. Is it?
boldjack Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 Ow, do you think that this is a gender thing? I was a serial cheater, yet nobody has "flamed" me. Maybe it's because I don't do that anymore, or maybe it's because I'm a man. I'm thinking there is a double standard going on here. An OM is a stud, an OW is a slut. I don't know, possible. I do believe that "it takes two to tango" you've shown in your post, that you are as full of loathing as the "hate brigade". Your references to their ignorance and immaturity are hardly what I would call rational, engaging, or nuanced, either.
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 Ow, do you think that this is a gender thing? I was a serial cheater, yet nobody has "flamed" me. Maybe it's because I don't do that anymore, or maybe it's because I'm a man. I'm thinking there is a double standard going on here. An OM is a stud, an OW is a slut. I don't know, possible. I do believe that "it takes two to tango" you've shown in your post, that you are as full of loathing as the "hate brigade". Your references to their ignorance and immaturity are hardly what I would call rational, engaging, or nuanced, either. The double standard on this issue has been going on for years & years & years. AND It's WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.....But it does happen. I too believe it takes 2 to tango. One to initiate...One to accept.
pparrott Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 The women here that have such hatred for the OW. Are you SURE she was the one that instigated the A & tried to steal your husband away? Perhaps your "innocent" husband was the one to get the ball rolling..............And for husbands - Visa Versa. Perhaps your wife was the one that started things. Just something to ponder while blame is being tossed about.
HeidiB125 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 I wouldn't call a man who serial cheats on his wife "a stud". I do think there is a double standard in society about men and woman and how many sexual partners they have. Women are viewed more harshly then men are. I think what we're talking about here is that deception, lies and cheating are wrong...on ANY level. Anyone whe doesn't take a strong stand against those things risks some kind of negative response. That should be the same on a BS forum or OW/OM forum.
soserious1 Posted May 5, 2009 Posted May 5, 2009 The women here that have such hatred for the OW. Are you SURE she was the one that instigated the A & tried to steal your husband away? Perhaps your "innocent" husband was the one to get the ball rolling..............And for husbands - Visa Versa. Perhaps your wife was the one that started things. Just something to ponder while blame is being tossed about. Actually I don't blame the women my ex was involved with, he after all made a commitment to fidelity..they weren't married to me. I also feel kind of sorry for the woman he''s with now. With that said though let me also say that I really don't need OW sitting here telling me how wrong I am or what a horrible wife I must have been, I went thru years of blame shifting, gas lighting and lies, my ex was an expert at revisionist history writing.. I need to recover my own trust in my good judgment and in my instincts.. fact of the matter is... he vowed fidelity to me, he did lie, repeatedly, he used me as a meal ticket while he sought out and bedded other women.. he violated my trust repeatedly and no amount of singing the "he's just a poor, abused,misunderstood good guy" will change those facts.
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 5, 2009 Author Posted May 5, 2009 With that said though let me also say that I really don't need OW sitting here telling me how wrong I am or what a horrible wife I must have been, I went thru years of blame shifting, gas lighting and lies, my ex was an expert at revisionist history writing.. I need to recover my own trust in my good judgment and in my instincts.. fact of the matter is... he vowed fidelity to me, he did lie, repeatedly, he used me as a meal ticket while he sought out and bedded other women.. he violated my trust repeatedly and no amount of singing the "he's just a poor, abused,misunderstood good guy" will change those facts. Very true - Has someone here said "What a horrible wife you must have been?"
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