Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 WE both fell off the marriage train & now we are back on track. you say that as if both of your "falls" are on equal footing in an attempt to mitigate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 I have always believed that it is a crock to stay in a marriage JUST for the kids. I think that people who believe it's the ONLY RIGHT thing to do are mistaken. I don't think it's fair for anyone involved. (maybe i didn't say it correctly before) As for PKN's wife.....Maybe she does have a scew loose OR like I said before, maybe she has her own agenda. Maybe she's trying to make it bareable for her to stay by being nice, sucking up, etc. We don't know what type of personality she is. (If anyone saw the Dateline special on Infidelity - a woman did go on there & pretty much blamed the "wife" for the husband cheating - ANOTHER CROCK) Anyway, maybe she's taking the blame for him cheating, figures, she'll suck up....try to make things better......AND IF they get better then GREAT - But if they don't get better, she has at least not lived in a war zone - until the day comes that they divorce. Perhaps she has an 'evil plan' herself;) I know you Dex think that PKN hasn't told her everything. Maybe he has, maybe he hasn't. Assuming the latter - then that would be very sad for her. But-cha can't save them all Dex:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 you say that as if both of your "falls" are on equal footing in an attempt to mitigate. Perhaps in my eyes & in his eyes they were. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Perhaps in my eyes & in his eyes they were. you think? didn't you say that if he had done what you had done, that you don't think you could have stayed with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 I don't recall saying that. And, considering the circumstances in our marriage at the time...Yeah - we'd have worked things out, just like we did after mine. There are a lot of underlying incidents that happened over a 7 year period of time. NOW - since we are working things out - IF it happened now, I can't say I'd be as forgiving as he was at that point in the marriage. Dunno - Hope to never find out if I have to make that decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 I don't recall saying that. And, considering the circumstances in our marriage at the time...Yeah - we'd have worked things out, just like we did after mine. There are a lot of underlying incidents that happened over a 7 year period of time. NOW - since we are working things out - IF it happened now, I can't say I'd be as forgiving as he was at that point in the marriage. Yes, knew you had said that before. But if it happened now, surely it would be because there were "circumstances in [your] marriage"...no? thats what the unfaithful tell us time and time again. So if it happened later, you wouldn't be as forgiving. Hence both of your faux paus in the marriage are NOT equal in your eyes afterall. Its only equal now because you committed a much bigger "paux". Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 No... I really wouldn't have said that. If you find a post where I did - I'll take it back. But it doesn't sound like me to say that. But, on the other comment. Nope too....I don't believe that what I did was worse & if you ask my husband (given the circumstances at the time) he wouldn't think so either. But it also isn't about keeping score either. You did this +1 point. I did that +2 points.....that's just silly! Marriages to thru stages - THAT particular stage of our marriage was an unhappy, partying, blurrrrr........We realize that now. Both of us. Those of you that have been cheated on think that an affair is the be all, end all, worst all, that can happen to a marriage. I disagree. I think there are lots of other things that are just as bad if not worse. And, don't come back with............Yeah but you were the cheater of course you feel that way. - again, my husband would agree with my statement. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 No... I really wouldn't have said that. If you find a post where I did - I'll take it back. But it doesn't sound like me to say that. well its almost word for word what I remember reading, but even if i couldn't find the exact quote......you just DID say that. Those of you that have been cheated on think that an affair is the be all, end all, worst all, that can happen to a marriage. yup....and?? I disagree. but of course YOU do. I think there are lots of other things that are just as bad if not worse. And, don't come back with............Yeah but you were the cheater of course you feel that way. - again, my husband would agree with my statement. I don't think he'd agree that much as you'd think. Ok for arguments sake, what was it that he did? I can't remember. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Cheating is about as bad as it gets, IMO. It is so destructive and traumatic. DV, too. They are right at the top of the list. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Cheating is about as bad as it gets, IMO. It is so destructive and traumatic. DV, too. They are right at the top of the list. the only thing worse that I can think of is domestic violence. So in my opinion, if her husand didn't physically abuse her, then nothing is worse than cheating in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 Well, he did have an EA. He lived in "do as you please land" for MANY years with no consideration to his family whatsoever. He was a VERY heavy drinker. While there was no physical abuse, there was emotional. There is the porn issue as well as him not caring one way or the other (at the time) whom I slept with "as long as I was happy & came home to him"......In A Nutshell......... So, see.....not the model husband by any stretch. AT THE TIME....He knows he Fuc*&d up. All water under the bridge now. HE didn't see the affair as a "deal breaker" ..... you gonna think he's a little whacked in the head? You probably will Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 I don't think he is whacked, Folks have differing abilities to get beyond this. If we follow the reasoning of some folks here, I should be askig you things like : What role did you play in leading him to porn or drinking or his EA and emotional abuse? What needs were you not fulfilling that led him down those paths? BUT, just like cheating, it's clear that he made the decisons to do this stuff on his own and you had nothing to do with it. Hope things work out for you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 See Reggie - that's why I started this particular thread in the first place. Because there are people that do ask those kinds of questions. And then it turns into an ugly back & forth bantering session. UGLY being the operative word. You didn't do that. It WAS his choice, just like it was mine. He chose to deal the way he chose to & visa versa. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 I just think , perhaps as a defense mechanism, some folks that cheat NEED to attribute some responsibility for cheating to the state of the marriage or their spouse's alleged deficiencies. I see the same justifications from other types of abusers I have dealt with in my work. It is very clear to me that there is no relationship between the choice to abuse,(and most agree that cheating is a very severe form of abuse) and marital issues. Good luck on fixing the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Well, he did have an EA. He lived in "do as you please land" for MANY years with no consideration to his family whatsoever. He was a VERY heavy drinker. While there was no physical abuse, there was emotional. There is the porn issue as well as him not caring one way or the other (at the time) whom I slept with "as long as I was happy & came home to him"......In A Nutshell......... So, see.....not the model husband by any stretch. AT THE TIME....He knows he Fuc*&d up. All water under the bridge now. What a great guy. You really have yourself a winner there. Good thing you cheated on him... otherwise he may have never changed. HE didn't see the affair as a "deal breaker" ..... you gonna think he's a little whacked in the head? You probably will That's because he is 1. Spineless, 2. a Loser, and 3. Your the Best he can hope for. He isn't whacked in the head... just pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 What a great guy. You really have yourself a winner there. Good thing you cheated on him... otherwise he may have never changed. That's because he is 1. Spineless, 2. a Loser, and 3. Your the Best he can hope for. He isn't whacked in the head... just pathetic. Isn't that just LOVELY........Thank you so much! It's people like you that this forum could definitely do without. He is none of the above. ..... But thanks ever so much for you input!! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Well, he did have an EA. He lived in "do as you please land" for MANY years with no consideration to his family whatsoever. Boom, there you have it. I can now understand why he is so "understanding".....because he'd be a hypocrite if he didn't. Even though his was "only" an EA. EA and PA are just as bad in my opinion. If he hadn't of had an EA, then I'd say no, nothing any man that did as he did was equal to physically having another man up to his cahones in his wife. sorry to be so graphic about it, but thats the way it is. He was a VERY heavy drinker. While there was no physical abuse, there was emotional. There is the porn issue as well as him not caring one way or the other (at the time) whom I slept with "as long as I was happy & came home to him"......In A Nutshell......... So, see.....not the model husband by any stretch. AT THE TIME....He knows he Fuc*&d up. All water under the bridge now. HE didn't see the affair as a "deal breaker" ..... you gonna think he's a little whacked in the head? You probably will No, as I said, he'd be a hypocrite if he left you since his affair was just as bad ...well, not really in my view, but still he'd be a hypocrite just the same. So now I understand why he was so "understanding"...he had an affair himself. He can't see the affair as a "deal breaker" because his affair could have been one. If he hadn't had an affair, yes....I'd say he's whacked in the head. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 I just think , perhaps as a defense mechanism, some folks that cheat NEED to attribute some responsibility for cheating to the state of the marriage or their spouse's alleged deficiencies. Too true, you see that justification all the time on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 If he hadn't had an affair, yes....I'd say he's whacked in the head. Oh Poo Dex.....Can't there just be NICE guys out there just for the sake of being a nice guy? I didn't even realize at the time of my affair that his was an EA. (was naive) So, I didn't have my affair just because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Oh Poo Dex.....Can't there just be NICE guys out there just for the sake of being a nice guy? Well if it were a case of him not cheating himself, and he was a nice guy, you would have proven that nice guys get walked all over. I didn't even realize at the time of my affair that his was an EA. (was naive) So, I didn't have my affair just because of that. So how do you feel about him not consumating his affair....but you got to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 :cool:Reggie.... I'm not justifying what I did. Nor do I come here for validation. IS WHAT IT IS.......We all talk about it, get help if we need it...get pounded when someone feels it necessary to rake us over the coals for what we did because they are a perfect person & NEVER in a million years would make any poor judgements in their lives....So, they come to these forums to put us in our places- Some of us take it to heart, others of us just blow it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 12, 2009 Share Posted May 12, 2009 Isn't that just LOVELY........Thank you so much! It's people like you that this forum could definitely do without. He is none of the above. ..... But thanks ever so much for you input!! No, YOU could do without me. I am very helpful to everyone else. I've read most everything you posted about him. I am basing my assessment 100% on your words. If I am so wrong... Tell me what makes him the opposite of what I say. Or is it that difficult to think of good things to say about him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 Well if it were a case of him not cheating himself, and he was a nice guy, you would have proven that nice guys get walked all over. So how do you feel about him not consumating his affair....but you got to? Walked all over? How do you figure that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 Or is it that difficult to think of good things to say about him? He has a lot of good traits to him. What I said in this thread about him - I also said was water under the bridge. Past Tense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedinkansas Posted May 12, 2009 Author Share Posted May 12, 2009 See Reggie - that's why I started this particular thread in the first place. Because there are people that do ask those kinds of questions. And then it turns into an ugly back & forth bantering session. UGLY being the operative word. You didn't do that. It WAS his choice, just like it was mine. He chose to deal the way he chose to & visa versa. Sorry Reggie..........This was meant for Untouchable_fire Link to post Share on other sites
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