Author tigressA Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 You might have disparate emotional setpoints in your males here. Tell me, when your friend and your BF are together (with you in the same room) do you get the sense that your BF changes somewhat, like he becomes territorial or dominant? If yes, do you note this behavior at other times and, if so, when? My BF and I are naturally predisposed to be affectionate with each other, so whenever we're together, even in a group of people, we're always at least holding hands or have our arms around each other; I could be sitting on his lap, and we'll kiss occasionally. My friend has commented saying, "You two are always in your own little world, being lovey-dovey with each other." I remember once when my BF asked me to rub his shoulders and my friend chimed in with "Oh, she's really good at that"--I had given him a shoulder rub once before--this was before my BF and I started dating--and I guess he remembered it really well. My BF gave him a death-stare. Several days ago when we had our talk about my friend and my BF was reassuring me that he trusts me because he knows I care about him--this was an online conversation--immediately after our talk and ever since then, he's been even cuter with me than usual. I would always use <3 when saying good night to him and he never would, but the very night we had our talk and he said good night he used it; he's been using it since then. He's also been saying "hi beautiful" when greeting me instead of just "hi" or "hi baby" and saying he misses me and that he was thinking about me, about how good it would feel to have me by his side, without me having to say it first. That behavior from him is not normal; I usually have to pull that kind of stuff out of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tinaa Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 I think he is very interesting on you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 OP, can you reach an agreement with your friend, a friendly one, for him to distance himself from you for a couple of months? If yes, try that and do not mention him to your BF and be honest that you haven't seen him if BF asks. Watch BF's behaviors. I have a theory Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Tigress, it's okay to have a friend crushing on you, since you can't control how someone else feels. What's not okay is for you to allow inappropriate comments. There's a level of acceptability in flattery. The minute your friend exceeds the line of good taste in a relationship, is the minute you should shut down those comments directly. "Look, those comments are inappropriate. Please cease and desist". If your b/f had a close g/f who told him how sexy he was and would like him naked, etc, on a regular basis, how would you feel? Is this respectful to your b/f and are you in the least bit concerned about his feelings or perception in this matter? You can't possibly be that insensitive, that you don't realize how this could hurt him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 OP, can you reach an agreement with your friend, a friendly one, for him to distance himself from you for a couple of months? If yes, try that and do not mention him to your BF and be honest that you haven't seen him if BF asks. Watch BF's behaviors. I have a theory Well, that'll be really easy since my semester's almost over; I'll be visiting my parents for 2 weeks after and then spending the rest of the summer with my BF and his family in NJ; my friend lives in MD, so done and done. What's your theory? I'm curious. "Tigress, it's okay to have a friend crushing on you, since you can't control how someone else feels. What's not okay is for you to allow inappropriate comments. There's a level of acceptability in flattery. The minute your friend exceeds the line of good taste in a relationship, is the minute you should shut down those comments directly. "Look, those comments are inappropriate. Please cease and desist"." This is very true. Well, soon enough I won't be talking to him because I'll be away for several months, so I bet things will naturally level off. He'll probably start dating once he comes back from student-teaching and forget all about his flirtation with me, which would be a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 Hang out with us for a few months and update. It's best that things take their flow naturally. I'll opine your BF is an interesting man. Focus on him for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Sure, I'll do that. Thanks for all the help so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 7, 2009 Author Share Posted May 7, 2009 In the last couple of days since I told my friend my BF doesn't trust him, I've also started reminding him of the girl he had told me about some months ago who he liked and had asked out once, but had been turned down. I interrogated him, asking questions like, "Well, do you think she likes you? How can you tell? Do you still like her? Would you ask her out again? What if she turns you down?" I'm confident I've challenged him enough to get his mind on pursuing that girl again as his overall response to my questions was, "Oh, I know she likes me; yeah I'm totally going to ask her out again; she won't turn me down and if she does there are plenty of others", etc. His flirting with me has stopped altogether. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 8, 2009 Author Share Posted May 8, 2009 Well, things haven't worked out as well as I thought they did, with my last post. Things escalated into a full-blown confrontation--last night and earlier tonight--with my friend. I found out he's going to the same late-June wedding I'll be attending with my BF and from there, it went downhill. After he asked me if my BF was really jealous of him I brought up the fact that the things he had said to me are inappropriate; he said he would stop but still insisted that he was only joking. He later admitted, "Okay, in a slight sense not really joking" and "Slight as in it entered my mind but will never happen" and "When I first met you I considered dating you" after I told him that every other guy who's found me attractive had never, ever been as explicit with me as he had been. But he's interlaced those things with lame rationalizations/generalizations: "I have to remind you that I'm a guy and you're a hot girl, not overly complicated; I think you're overanalyzing this" and even accused me of having "a thing" for him. He's accusing me of being "deceptive" by not having told my BF that he is going to be at our friend's wedding and even went so far as to ask me "What would you do if the situation were reversed? Wouldn't you want to know if (my BF's name) knew of one of his friends that you were jealous of was going to be there?" He also said, "You were just an example of innocent flirting, it means nothing." He's been talking in circles. I'm just about fed-up with his immature behavior and lame excuses. Every time I've tried to get him to focus on the issue--which is that his "flirting" was in no way "innocent" and it was very inappropriate--he's brought up other things, I guess to avoid discussing the issue. Any advice on how to deal with this? Link to post Share on other sites
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