MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Do you ever wonder if something tragic were to happen to the MM, (critical or fatal car accident, murder, illness) do you know if anyone will be able to contact you so you can visit him or even attend the funeral? Surely if its a secret, the wife or the children or any of the family wont know you so they can't contact you Say if you died, do you think MM would attend your funeral or burial? I'm just curious because if the relationship is kept secret and something tragic happened it would be awful for either one of you to not be able to give your last respects to one another. Or what if you don't find out until it's too late and they've been dead for months
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 This has come up before and I have a question from the BW POV. Not at all meant to be bashing, just wondering. If the MM did die, would you have enough respect for the grieving wife and family to stay away at such a tragic time?
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 This has come up before and I have a question from the BW POV. Not at all meant to be bashing, just wondering. If the MM did die, would you have enough respect for the grieving wife and family to stay away at such a tragic time? I don't think they should stay away, regardless of the circumstances, the OW loved the MM too. Perhaps she should sit in the far back and not let her presence be known. I know when the rapper Notorious BIG died, his OW sat in the far back and didn't make a peep. She just grieved in silence.
Owl Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 A couple of years ago there was an OW on this site who dealt with exactly this issue. Her longtime MM passed away. From what I recall, I believe that she did attend the funeral, but was deeply hurt that she was unable to be with him during his hospital stay 'at the end'.
Trialbyfire Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 If you or MM died, would you be able to attend funeral? If you're dead, then yes, at least your spirit can attend your funeral. If your body or ashes are taken to your funeral, then yes, you are attending the funeral.
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 A couple of years ago there was an OW on this site who dealt with exactly this issue. Her longtime MM passed away. From what I recall, I believe that she did attend the funeral, but was deeply hurt that she was unable to be with him during his hospital stay 'at the end'. Was the wife and family aware of the affair? Who invited her to the funeral?
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 If you're dead, then yes, at least your spirit can attend your funeral. If your body or ashes are taken to your funeral, then yes, you are attending the funeral. Are you implying that you'd do something fatal to the OW?
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't think they should stay away, regardless of the circumstances, the OW loved the MM too. Thank you for your answer.
Owl Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I don't think they should stay away, regardless of the circumstances, the OW loved the MM too. Perhaps she should sit in the far back and not let her presence be known. I know when the rapper Notorious BIG died, his OW sat in the far back and didn't make a peep. She just grieved in silence. I would disagree. If something had happened to my wife while she was still involved in her EA with OM, and he showed up at her funeral...there probably would have been another funeral, or at least an arrest made at that time. As a BH, the best I could have done would have been to told him to get the heck out and grieve on his own. But I doubt I would have had the self-control at that time to do this. If something happened NOW, and he showed up...years later, I still wouldn't be civil in any fashion with him...on the contrary, since we've worked this hard to recover our marriage, his showing up would be hugely disrespectful of her wishes.
Owl Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Was the wife and family aware of the affair? Who invited her to the funeral? I'll have to go back and see if I can find her threads...it's been quite a while.
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I would disagree. If something had happened to my wife while she was still involved in her EA with OM, and he showed up at her funeral...there probably would have been another funeral, or at least an arrest made at that time. As a BH, the best I could have done would have been to told him to get the heck out and grieve on his own. But I doubt I would have had the self-control at that time to do this. If something happened NOW, and he showed up...years later, I still wouldn't be civil in any fashion with him...on the contrary, since we've worked this hard to recover our marriage, his showing up would be hugely disrespectful of her wishes. Now, the OM, has feelings too and I think it's unfair to make such a scene at your own wife's funeral. It's best to be cordial and realize that he loved her too, and let him get a last look at her so he can get some sort of closure.
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I would disagree. If something had happened to my wife while she was still involved in her EA with OM, and he showed up at her funeral...there probably would have been another funeral, or at least an arrest made at that time. As a BH, the best I could have done would have been to told him to get the heck out and grieve on his own. But I doubt I would have had the self-control at that time to do this. If something happened NOW, and he showed up...years later, I still wouldn't be civil in any fashion with him...on the contrary, since we've worked this hard to recover our marriage, his showing up would be hugely disrespectful of her wishes. Right, having the affair in the first place shows a lack of respect for the BW and family (by both the OW and the MM), but to show up at a most tragic event like a funeral while they (the MM family) are grieving is, IMO, despicable. IMO, the affair was conducted behind the back of the BW, the OW can grieve behind her back (the BW's) and on her own as well. Not in the same place at the same time.
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Now, the OM, has feelings too and I think it's unfair to make such a scene at your own wife's funeral. It's best to be cordial and realize that he loved her too, and let him get a last look at her so he can get some sort of closure. Why, was the OM cordial to OWL while he was having an EA with his wife?
NoIDidn't Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Okay, Meagan. Suppose the MM and OW are your dad and a mystery woman. Suppose your mother displayed obvious hurt at her audacity for showing up at another FAMILY event when her presence was not wanted nor warranted. Forget it, I'm definintely not agreeing with you. They have feelings. Sure. But their feelings don't matter. Should I also put them as beneficiaries for his life insurance policies since he once shared something with them? Should my kids call her "step mom" even though I was still married to their dad at the time of his funeral? Any more indignities you think the betrayed and their family should endure because the OPs have feelings?
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Now, the OM, has feelings too and I think it's unfair to make such a scene at your own wife's funeral. It's best to be cordial and realize that he loved her too, and let him get a last look at her so he can get some sort of closure. Would it be OK with you if the MM brought his wife to your funeral so she could spit on your grave for her own closure? After all, you did have sex with her H, so she should get a last look at you too.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I wouldn't have to do anything. If Mr. Messy died today and I was supporting my children in the death of their father, ow wouldn't be welcome. She would have caused my children and family enough pain, even though he and she are no longer together. My extended family would probably stop the service and escort her out in a very embarrassing way. And I would hope he would be as respectful of the pain he has already caused her family and stay away.
Owl Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Meagan, you're seeing the BS side of this in spades. Which isn't unreasonable, since the WS would be "dead and gone", and the only person left in to handle the funeral and all would be the BS. And honestly, I agree with the replies back that I've had to my response and yours...OM wasn't respectful of me in any fashion, I would have no reason to behave in that fashion to him. He had no care for what he was doing to me during the affair...why should I care about his feelings? He wooed my wife in secret...let him grieve in secret. Works for me. And honestly, this exact attitude is exactly what any OW/OM would be contending with in the very event you've described.
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Um, NO! Meagan is entitled to her opinion, and a BS would be entitled to punch the homewrecker in the face upon laying eyes on him/her. Don't you think that's a very immature way of dealing with things? Do you really want your children to have memories of their mom jumping down someone's throat at their father's funeral? Why so much animosity at the OW but not the spouse who cheated? Did they not play just as much of a part in the affair as the OW/OM? If you can feel sympathy and grieve over them than you surely can let the OM/OW attend the funeral or at least view the body
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Um, NO! Meagan is entitled to her opinion, and a BS would be entitled to punch the homewrecker in the face upon laying eyes on him/her. Yes, Meagan is entitled to her opinion, but she shouldn't expect to be treated any better than she treats others. Again, another OW holding the BS to a higher standard of respect. If she is willing to show her face at a MM funeral, then she should be up for the consequences. No different than being in the affair in the first place. Actions have reactions and everyone is responsible for their own actions.
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Would it be OK with you if the MM brought his wife to your funeral so she could spit on your grave for her own closure? After all, you did have sex with her H, so she should get a last look at you too. It is what it is. These type of things happen so often. If she attended then there is nothing I can do about it, that's between my mom, and the OW. There are circumstances where the OW attended the spouse's funeral and it did not break the children into a million pieces. As long as the OW can be quiet and mourn like everybody else there shouldn't be a problem
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Don't you think that's a very immature way of dealing with things? Do you really want your children to have memories of their mom jumping down someone's throat at their father's funeral? Why so much animosity at the OW but not the spouse who cheated? Did they not play just as much of a part in the affair as the OW/OM? If you can feel sympathy and grieve over them than you surely can let the OM/OW attend the funeral or at least view the body I would think she viewed his body enough before he died, live with the memories. As if an ow really cares about his children or she wouldn't show her face and upset those same children.
Owl Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Don't you think that's a very immature way of dealing with things? Do you really want your children to have memories of their mom jumping down someone's throat at their father's funeral? Why so much animosity at the OW but not the spouse who cheated? Did they not play just as much of a part in the affair as the OW/OM? If you can feel sympathy and grieve over them than you surely can let the OM/OW attend the funeral or at least view the body Not at all. The OW/OM didn't feel that he owed me anything when he opted to engage in an affair with my wife...why on Earth would I owe him ANYTHING WHATSOEVER????? Even a "final viewing"...why does he deserve this from me? As far as the kids being upset about a scene...I'd probably have to restrain my sons from kicking his butt before I tossed him out. Odds are real high that they would SHARE my anger at his showing up.
Author MeaganRaye Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 Yes, Meagan is entitled to her opinion, but she shouldn't expect to be treated any better than she treats others. Again, another OW holding the BS to a higher standard of respect. If she is willing to show her face at a MM funeral, then she should be up for the consequences. No different than being in the affair in the first place. Actions have reactions and everyone is responsible for their own actions. Are you a BS? You seem to show nothing but hostility towards the OW but NONE towards your spouse.
herenow Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Don't you think that's a very immature way of dealing with things? Do you really want your children to have memories of their mom jumping down someone's throat at their father's funeral? Why so much animosity at the OW but not the spouse who cheated? Did they not play just as much of a part in the affair as the OW/OM? If you can feel sympathy and grieve over them than you surely can let the OM/OW attend the funeral or at least view the body What would be the use of being angry at the MM who cheated, he's dead. And, no I wouldn't want my children to ever see the OW ever. She has no place being around my family no matter what the circumstances are. BTW, most kids (if they were old enough) would take care of the problem for their mother.
NoIDidn't Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Don't you think that's a very immature way of dealing with things? Do you really want your children to have memories of their mom jumping down someone's throat at their father's funeral? Works for me, LOL. Why so much animosity at the OW but not the spouse who cheated? Did they not play just as much of a part in the affair as the OW/OM? If you can feel sympathy and grieve over them than you surely can let the OM/OW attend the funeral or at least view the body Because the person that cheated on them is DEAD. Who in their right mind at a funeral wants to see some other woman, or man for that matter, grieving what should never have been? Why should the BS and remaining family have ANY sympathy for someone who didn't have any for them when helping the dead person cheat and lie? You really aren't getting this. Its a shame too. Its like the inappropriateness of this is totally lost on you.
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